Ongoing saga with ExH not seeing kids

[sal1223]

I've posted before just looking for some advice if anyone has any ideas that might help.
In a nutshell ExH has hardly seen the kids as he's 'not coping' he won't commit to seeing them regularly as he's trying to get better and is busy with work and hobbies to help with depression (all down to his own actions ie : infidelity/ divorce / drink & drugs) . I have spoken to him today and he's seeing them later for the first time in over 2 weeks because our cat died Monday .
I'm so fed up with him picking them up and dropping them when he feels like it - there's no court orders . The original agreement was see them here twice a week and once at weekends - but he's not maintained that so I've said we need to make a new agreement- which he says he can't do at the moment .
It feels like it is all on his terms just calling and asking to see them as I said 'as and when he feels like it' - I don't feel like I can say no you can't come because I know the kids want to see him . Feels like he's got me over a barrel really, it's infuriating

@sal1223

Yes I've said that those days are what we will aim for but occasionally there will be a variation due to circumstances - and if he can maintain regular contact over time we can talk again at a later date about increasing contact ie let's see if he can manage bare minimum

Agreed just be careful how you word things as you don't want to sound patronising

Yes have kept all messages . I am being super careful how I word everything and just keeping in mind everytime that this May at some point be read by someone else

A flexible arrangement to fit around you and your plans on an ‘as and when’ basis isn’t what’s best for their well-being. This last 12 months has been very unsettling for them due to your lack of consistency , I have tried my best to accommodate for this but it’s gone on now for too long.

I have informed you of when they will now be available for contact. If you can maintain this contact over time we can then discuss possible changes at a future date.

As for your suggestion I call you to ask if you would like to see them , as I have said previously - i will facilitate contact but it’s not my job to maintain it and essentially chase you to see them.

I want you to have a good relationship with the children so I hope you understand why it is important for them to have stability . It’s their needs that should come first and they will feel more secure if they have regular contact.

I just keep basically saying this ☝️ I don't need to get into anything else with him . So yeah ongoing saga 😖

Great message!

Yep just keep resending the same message over and over again. He wants to be in control but tough shit!

Thanks ☺️ and if he ever threatened to kill himself again I'll phone the police

OP your last message was great.

Just make sure you don't go over past issues e.g. his affairs, his shitty behaviour in your relationship, in any of your messages about the children.

If he mentions his mental health problems again in any message, or his general life problems, just don't respond to that part of the message in your reply. You are no longer in a relationship with him so they are not your issues to deal with or solve.

I have older friends who have had to deal with sorting out contact between parents and kids years ago. They have pointed out it is common for some parents not to understand that by not seeing their child(ren) regularly, while they are annoying/frustrating the other parent/carer, they are actually harming their relationship with the child(ren) involved.

In regards to narcissism - everyone has narcissistic characteristics. Stressful events e.g. relationship breakdown makes some people exhibit them a lot more. Unfortunately as the target for his narcissist behaviour you can only protect yourself by enforcing clear boundaries about what you won't accept plus you need to minimise contact and communication with him. This is why you will have to use pre-emptive tactics like blocking him. He will eventually realise, though it takes years in some cases, that he has no form of relationship with you.

@RedWingBoots thanks for your reply . And yes you're right . It was difficult no to say something but I'm pretty good at keeping it soley about the kids x

It's now I'm out of it I can see the gas lighting - 'if You want to make it difficult' if You want to play games & if You want to fall out - trying to make it all my fault or at least make me think it's my fault .
When he confessed last year to having sex with someone else behind my back - he'd kept it secret for 2 years 😖 and said he had to tell me because of the guilt and he'd thought about killing himself

People who commit suicide don't tend to tell people in advance they are going to do it.

You need to grey rock your ex.

Yes I've been told about grey rock before and it works well . X

You're doing so well, great message and just copy and paste it to him each time

@forrestgreen thanks 😊 and yeah I was thinking of doing that - literally nothing else to say for now