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Original poster

Ex wants to stop maintenance; what could happen?

60 replies

coughup · 19/02/2022 20:42

Ex and I split in 2017. We have three kids who are now 14,12 and 7. Since the split he has had them every other Friday to Thursday term time with me having them all half terms and half each of Easter, Christmas and summer (I work term time only, he doesn't). It worked fairly well. I do all the kids' life admin, appointments etc and have occasionally been frustrated with things like he isn't consistent about rules to do with phone use at night for our daughter who is 12 and has a few mental health struggles but in general it was ok. We used the gov.uk calculator to work out maintenance based on this amount of nights per year and his salary back in 2017 and he paid that monthly ever since, no change. He is still in the same job although I don't know his current salary. He bought a house nearby and has done it up very nicely. He is not hard up.

At the end of 2021 I inherited some money, some of which I invested and some of which I put aside to extend my house. The work is starting next month. The week after I inherited (he knows this because it was the proceeds of a probate house sale) he messaged to say he wants the kids 50:50. He admitted fairly quickly that he doesn't see why he should pay anything to me now I'm "financially independent". I was very upset by this and accused him of trying to appropriate the money left to me by my parents. He denied this, while still being clear that asking for more contact is about the money for him.

I really don't want to change the kids' arrangements. What he has with them is enough. I suggested he keep contact the same but reduce the maintenance by 45% and he agreed after a very expensive mediation session. This idea was stupid of me because I don't think I can afford to pay all the bills now. I've cut back on more or less all luxuries and am just managing but will have to dip into savings for any emergencies and to buy kids birthday gifts etc.

I am thinking of using the CMS to pursue him for maintenance calculated on his salary and fully expect him to then apply for a court order to get 50:50 contact.

My questions are:

How long will CMS take to process my claim? If anyone with experience can let me know I'd be v grateful.

How long will family court proceedings take to reach a resolution in these covid times?

I am fairly confident he won't be successful in his application to change contact because my solicitor told me the court is very reluctant to change the status quo unless it is demonstrated to be in children's best interests. I think I can argue that it's in their interests to leave things as they are. I'd like a resolution though because I'm very stressed about this.

Thanks for reading! Any advice/anecdotes gratefully received; thank you.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 22/02/2022 08:16

The court situation is how long is a piece of string tbh. But the two eldest would have their opinions asked. The 7yo, possibly not and it could result in there being two different orders in terms of contact with you both. Though rare.

Do you have anything in writing re why he wants 5050? If you don't, it maybe worth trying to get him to say it in writing, so that when you go to cms and then if he pursues court you have this as evidence of his intent.

Cms if you applied now, you'd probably get paid in April if he's a straight forward employer of an organisation.

Theunamedcat · 22/02/2022 08:18

What do your children want?

Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 09:02

Thanks for replies! I think the kids want to keep it as it is because they're kind of in the swing of things as they are after 4+ years. My daughter in particular won't want to spend more time with him, she is quite scathing about things like him not keeping them properly supplied with toiletries, eg deodorant, and I often have to drop round period pads to his house etc.

He has, in writing, more than once said that he wants to go 50:50 because he "can't afford" things like pocket money and treats for them because he pays me so much. He can, however, afford a new block paved driveway this month and a week's holiday in Europe with his mates in the summer...

OP posts:
Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 09:06

Also, because he wfh a lot of the time he intends to just leave them to it in the house during school holidays whereas I'm free to talk/play/take them out etc as not working - so I think they'd prefer to spend holidays largely at my house because he doesn't get enough leave for 50% of school holidays. Plus obviously he is using some of that leave to go away without them when he goes on his lads' trip

OP posts:
Sausagedogsarethebest · 22/02/2022 09:31

I'm a bit confused. You say he has them every other week from Friday through to the following Thursday, which is a week, and you're sharing most of the holidays (except you have all half terms). You're not far off 50:50 then surely? What additional time does your ex want?

Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 10:40

@Sausagedogsarethebest

I'm a bit confused. You say he has them every other week from Friday through to the following Thursday, which is a week, and you're sharing most of the holidays (except you have all half terms). You're not far off 50:50 then surely? What additional time does your ex want?
It's almost exactly 40:60 at the moment... he has 6 nights out of 14 in term time but because I do more over holidays it works out at about 155 nights a year. He wants Friday to Friday, year round regardless of school holidays.

It is, in my opinion, a completely unnecessary change to make. He's said in mediation that the current arrangement works well for the kids. But he thinks since I inherited a share of my mum's house that he should keep the money he currently pays in maintenance

OP posts:
Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 10:41

I currently buy all uniform, shoes, coats. He buys casual clothes for them to keep at his but i but the rest. School trips (when they used to happen) were paid by me if it was a day out locally but we split the cost of residentials

OP posts:
Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 10:51

I also pay for all out of school activities and music lessons in school.

The reason I don't want them to spend more time with him is because he is very disorganised- he used to have to manage a certain type of medical appointment for the kids because the practitioner only operated 9-3 during weekdays and I was working full time in a school. He more than once was late or even forgot appointments even though I reminded him.

My eldest was also very stressed for a while that he (DS1) was having to oversee DS2 taking medication because "dad just leaves DS2 to put himself to bed". I don't think he's a terrible dad, but I don't think his head's in it as much as it needs to be with 3 kids 6 nights a fortnight, let alone more.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/02/2022 11:30

He can't be paying much maintenance on 60/40 unless he has a really high paying job surely.

spacehardware · 22/02/2022 11:33

So he wants to change the contact arrangements so that the child support is reduced. Classy of him

spacehardware · 22/02/2022 11:34

@RedHelenB

He can't be paying much maintenance on 60/40 unless he has a really high paying job surely.
Presumably he's paying 60% of whatever the figure would be with no (or de minimis) overnight contact, which is probably still a few hundred quid?
WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 11:37

I fucking hate men who think they only have to top up for their children. No, you fucking twat, they are your children and your equal responsibility.

If he wants 50/50 then you make sure he knows that means he pays absolutely everything for that 50%. School dinners, fares, pocket money, 50/50 split on all school activities etc etc. Clothes for his house, I mean, you could make a massive list! See how keen he is when he realises you won't be paying for anything for them on his time.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/02/2022 11:56

@WouldIwasShookspeared

I fucking hate men who think they only have to top up for their children. No, you fucking twat, they are your children and your equal responsibility.

If he wants 50/50 then you make sure he knows that means he pays absolutely everything for that 50%. School dinners, fares, pocket money, 50/50 split on all school activities etc etc. Clothes for his house, I mean, you could make a massive list! See how keen he is when he realises you won't be paying for anything for them on his time.

Totally agree with this.
Original poster
coughup · 22/02/2022 12:16

@RedHelenB

He can't be paying much maintenance on 60/40 unless he has a really high paying job surely.
Yeah, big earner. 2017 salary calculation was £700 a month. He's now paying £400 and what with the increase in fuel/home energy costs combined with going part time at work (which I thought I'd be fine with, because I inherited) I can't really make ends meet.

I'm going to run this new same contact-reduced maintenance arrangement a month or two then tell him it's not working, apply to CMS and then see if he does apply to court. Thank you pp who gave estimates on timings; that was really why I posted but it's quite reassuring to see other posters think he's being a bit unfair. I was starting to wonder if I was being unreasonable in wanting to invest my inheritance for my future and the kids' future while working a bit less to be more present for them. I did not want to have to spend it on day to day costs, especially as I have fuckall pension after working part time for ages when older ones were little.

OP posts:
TorringtonDean · 24/02/2022 00:37

They haven’t suddenly stopped being his kids because you inherited something. It sounds like he only wants them more to save himself money, not because he wants to see them more. Typical male. Don’t give up the money you are entitled to.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 25/02/2022 18:31

Does he have alternative means of financial support? Sadly I know men who have reduced their working hours or quit work altogether and lived off their partner/spouse or their wealthy parents. Does he have the means to pull a stunt like that? Rightly or wrongly, if there's a risk of him pulling stunts to pay no maintenance at all I'd be more likely to accept a reasonable sum even if it wasn't as much as CMS. I know that's not the "right" thing to do, but having seen how easily men get away with paying nothing if their new wife or parents are well-off and happy to support them not to work, that's now my position!

Original poster
coughup · 26/02/2022 20:51

I don't think he has the ability to make it look like he's earning nothing - no partner and I doubt his parents can fund him. I think he just genuinely believes that I'm rich now (I'm not, I've invested some money that's hard to get hold of at the minute and has decreased in value due to all the shit in the world) and therefore I should use that to keep us all going and he should have more disposable income to spend on himself Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/02/2022 21:00

Just go to CMS now and deal with him taking it to court about changing contact to 50:50 it will cost him ££££ and the DC wishes will be taken into account.

You can self rep.

Thanks
Frankola · 01/03/2022 17:14

Nevermind the money.

What do your kids want?

Lalala1 · 01/03/2022 17:31

@Frankola

Nevermind the money.

What do your kids want?

"he messaged to say he wants the kids 50:50. He admitted fairly quickly that he doesn't see why he should pay anything to me now I'm "financially independent".

Did u even read the OPs post?

It's the ops ex that is focussing on "the money" it's obvious the 50/50 now is cms orientated because of her inheritance otherwise why has he not asked for it before...... or is it just a coincidence Hmm

Original poster
coughup · 01/03/2022 17:53

@Frankola

Nevermind the money.

What do your kids want?

As I said to someone the other day, I think the kids want to leave things as they are but I haven't asked outright because I don't want to worry them.

The money... he has reduced maintenance by 45% with my agreement (wrongly, I should've done my maths better and predicted fuel costs rising) because I don't want him to have them more because he's disorganised, doesn't get them what they need, puts himself first all the time. I gave him the money he wanted to protect my kids and I regret it now because I am falling short every month. My inheritance is invested, I can't just get it out to top us up.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/03/2022 18:10

The 14 and 12 year old would be asked by cafcass what they wanted and would be listened too. It would be unusual for your youngest DC to have 50:50 if the elder two don't.

I think you need to just go to CMS. Taking you to court wouldn't be a quick thing.

Cloverforever · 01/03/2022 18:33

So you've gone part-time, agreed to reduce your ex's maintenance payment by 45%, are having your house extended and have invested some money where you can't get at it, but you're now saying you can't afford for him to stop maintenance payments if he has them more?

Sounds to me like managed your inheritance badly and should have kept more back for the boring necessities of life such as fuel.

Frankola · 01/03/2022 19:04

@lalala1 my query about what the kids want was about both parents. Not just ops.

I have indeed read ops posts and I wasn't suggesting her motivation was money related.

Contact time should be about kids. Not maintenance from either side. The man hating is strong from you lalala1!

Frankola · 01/03/2022 19:07

@coughup if you're kids want things as they are then it's not a question. Keep them as they are and put in a cms claim.

You should get the money cms say you should and the kids should have the contact time they want.

If you're OP is also so unorganised etc then 50 50 would be a really bad idea. They'll be living in a calm, organised situation with you and a chaotic environment with him. That's no good for any of you.