Ex wants to stop maintenance; what could happen?

[coughup]

Ex and I split in 2017. We have three kids who are now 14,12 and 7. Since the split he has had them every other Friday to Thursday term time with me having them all half terms and half each of Easter, Christmas and summer (I work term time only, he doesn't). It worked fairly well. I do all the kids' life admin, appointments etc and have occasionally been frustrated with things like he isn't consistent about rules to do with phone use at night for our daughter who is 12 and has a few mental health struggles but in general it was ok. We used the gov.uk calculator to work out maintenance based on this amount of nights per year and his salary back in 2017 and he paid that monthly ever since, no change. He is still in the same job although I don't know his current salary. He bought a house nearby and has done it up very nicely. He is not hard up.

At the end of 2021 I inherited some money, some of which I invested and some of which I put aside to extend my house. The work is starting next month. The week after I inherited (he knows this because it was the proceeds of a probate house sale) he messaged to say he wants the kids 50:50. He admitted fairly quickly that he doesn't see why he should pay anything to me now I'm "financially independent". I was very upset by this and accused him of trying to appropriate the money left to me by my parents. He denied this, while still being clear that asking for more contact is about the money for him.

I really don't want to change the kids' arrangements. What he has with them is enough. I suggested he keep contact the same but reduce the maintenance by 45% and he agreed after a very expensive mediation session. This idea was stupid of me because I don't think I can afford to pay all the bills now. I've cut back on more or less all luxuries and am just managing but will have to dip into savings for any emergencies and to buy kids birthday gifts etc.

I am thinking of using the CMS to pursue him for maintenance calculated on his salary and fully expect him to then apply for a court order to get 50:50 contact.

My questions are:

How long will CMS take to process my claim? If anyone with experience can let me know I'd be v grateful.

How long will family court proceedings take to reach a resolution in these covid times?

I am fairly confident he won't be successful in his application to change contact because my solicitor told me the court is very reluctant to change the status quo unless it is demonstrated to be in children's best interests. I think I can argue that it's in their interests to leave things as they are. I'd like a resolution though because I'm very stressed about this.

Thanks for reading! Any advice/anecdotes gratefully received; thank you.

Sorry I meant if your ex is so unorganised. Not your op!

@Cloverforever

So you've gone part-time, agreed to reduce your ex's maintenance payment by 45%, are having your house extended and have invested some money where you can't get at it, but you're now saying you can't afford for him to stop maintenance payments if he has them more?

Sounds to me like managed your inheritance badly and should have kept more back for the boring necessities of life such as fuel.

Thanks for your comment.

I did all those things you mention -part time work, invest etc - some time ago
because I never ever thought the man who cried at my mum's funeral would try to gouge her money off me within a week of the house selling. In any case, my original post was a couple of questions about procedures (thanks people who answered them), not a call for sympathy -also appreciated from sympathetic posters though, thanks - or an invitation for anyone to criticise my money management. Please don't comment again unless you have input on the cms/family court questions.

Why is he even paying any maintenance when he has them so much. And now your better off you might have to pay him maintenance. Don't think I would be very happy in your ex's position.

@Viviennemary

Why is he even paying any maintenance when he has them so much. And now your better off you might have to pay him maintenance. Don't think I would be very happy in your ex's position.

He has them 40:60. CMS says he should pay £700 based on that and his 2017 salary. I am not the CMS. I don't make the rules. My solicitor says with the type of clean break we had any inheritance is irrelevant. He is the non resident parent and should pay towards their upkeep. I use his maintenance payments to go towards their costs - read my earlier posts to see what they are. What's the point of your post? Feels a bit like you just want to put the boot in... Are you my ex?

I'm not denying I have fucked up with this. People do. I just wanted to get him off my back so the kids wouldn't be messed about with. Thanks to the people who answered helpfully about timescales. I'm going to contact cms and he can pay the amount they determine

Do the cma deal with higher income claims?

He must be fairly well off if the calculations are 700 for 60/40 custody split.

Even 400 is alot for it.

Go to the CMS and start a claim. When you see the actual amount based on his current salary that he owes you he may well back pedal fast on his current demands.

I’d also keep all communication he’s sent clearly stating that he wants more contact so he didn’t pay maintenance.

Your current arrangement sounds better for him than he would get through courts usually I can’t see the courts disturbing the status quo actually.
If he drags you to court have it written in the court order that he also has to pay half of all child related costs should he get 50:50, so uniform, wardrobe, trips, activities absolutely everything.

Either way he’s had it super cheap till this point.

That’s a lot he’s paying when it’s 60:40

I’m not surprised he’s going 50:50 as then he won’t have to pay anything

I’d imagine his costs are a valid reason as he’s paying a lot for a little less time

@Watapalava

That’s a lot he’s paying when it’s 60:40

I’m not surprised he’s going 50:50 as then he won’t have to pay anything

I’d imagine his costs are a valid reason as he’s paying a lot for a little less time

I do not set the rules about maintenance! He has the kids A LOT compared to other separated dads and he lets them down. I don't want him to have more time with them so he can ignore their needs further and better fund lads' holidays and shiny new patio furniture. The way he lets them down in small ways hurts me so much. He's not abusive or obviously neglectful but it's like death by 1000 paper cuts

Where you married when you got the inheritance as he’s entitled to claim half if you were at the time?

I expect if you go via cms you’ll get w lot less

I’ve never heard of anyone getting that much for 60:40

I think he has the raw deal here

And yes, he pays a lot. He EARNS a lot. He is very rich because he progressed his career stratospherically while mine stagnated because I went part time, I did all the childcare and wife work for donkeys' when kids were tiny. He put himself and his career first and now he earns massive amounts.

@Watapalava

Where you married when you got the inheritance as he’s entitled to claim half if you were at the time?

I expect if you go via cms you’ll get w lot less

I’ve never heard of anyone getting that much for 60:40

I think he has the raw deal here

Not married. Mum died fully 18 months post divorce. If he inherited money it wouldn't cross my mind to think of any of it as due to me

CMS calculator awarded me £700 a month based on 40:60 contact for 3 kids and his salary in 2017. I've never asked for more. If he has had any pay rise since then they will say he owes more. Lots of recent posters seem to think I'm trying to scam him or am grabby. I'm not. I just financially regret letting him off the money he legally should pay me as resident parent in order to protect my kids from more of his lax parenting.

[quote Frankola]@lalala1 my query about what the kids want was about both parents. Not just ops.

I have indeed read ops posts and I wasn't suggesting her motivation was money related.

Contact time should be about kids. Not maintenance from either side. The man hating is strong from you lalala1![/quote]
I never had a dig about your query about what the kids want ( I actually agree with u on that) my reply to your post was about “forget about the money” that insinuated the op was motivated by the money if u had indeed read her post properly you must have missed the part where she reduced the amount he was legally to pay by 45%!

I’ll be sure to let my DH know my Man hating is strong” lol

@lalala1 you should do. He might want to move out! 😀

He is their dad and if he is good enough to have them 40% of the time why not 50% of the time??

It sounds like you are don't want him to have access because you don't want the maintenance to stop so you are using the kids as much as he is.

The fact his career progressed and you haven't got spousal maintenance (because you weren't married) is a separate issue from child maintenance.

The courts generally start from 50/50 access now and you need to persuade them why that shouldn't apply in this case.

Tbh, it sounds like 40:60 is hardly in the children's best interests if he is so chaotic.

I'd have a chat with the older ones about what they want. It may be that they'd prefer an EOW arrangement. So I'd be arguing for that if he takes you to court rather than maintaining the 40:60 arrangement if it's what the kids would prefer.

@Blankscreen

He is their dad and if he is good enough to have them 40% of the time why not 50% of the time??

It sounds like you are don't want him to have access because you don't want the maintenance to stop so you are using the kids as much as he is.

The fact his career progressed and you haven't got spousal maintenance (because you weren't married) is a separate issue from child maintenance.

The courts generally start from 50/50 access now and you need to persuade them why that shouldn't apply in this case.

He's not good enough to have them 40%, frankly. But I agreed to that when I was in tatters during the divorce because he told me if I had them more, for example EOW, he could never provide a nice house for them to stay in etc. I didn't want him to live in a hovel and I knew that the money he was proposing would be ok.

I posted this in lone parents looking for advice - which I did get and will act on - but now I see it's in active and people are piling on to just basically have a pop and I'm not really up for that in my already stressed and unhappy state

@Viviennemary

Why is he even paying any maintenance when he has them so much. And now your better off you might have to pay him maintenance. Don't think I would be very happy in your ex's position.

Why would u think she might have to pay him maintenance? that would only happen if he was the pwc. With a 60/40 split cms would still be due to the pwc,the amount due would depend on their income obviously so the OPs ex must be a high earner like she’s said.

[quote Frankola]@lalala1 you should do. He might want to move out! 😀[/quote]
I’ll tell u what I’ll pack his bags first then tell him since I’m a man hater! how does that sound?

Sounds like he's borderline negligent and barely understands what is involved in parenting,. Totally unforgivable for your daughter to have to call you from his for pads that must have been awful for her. Id be speaking to them and gaging if they even want to spending the amount of time they are with him, at 12 and 14 their views will be considered. Perhaps every other weekend is more suitable for someone who cant manage basics. In the meantime get the CMS claim in now don't wait 2 months, just say you would rather stick to the law on this matter to avoid conflict. Its the bare minimum anyway. Don't short change your children so he can large it up on lads holidays. At least one of you should be putting them first.

Before I leave this thread for today, or maybe forever, I'll tell all the "I wouldn't be happy in his shoes" posters this: in all our dealings about this, he is constantly focusing on him, the money and why he wants this. He has not once said how making a change to 50:50 would be better for the kids. He blustered and didn't answer when I asked how he'd cover school holidays - I work term time only and he doesn't.** He has also used 5 days of his already insufficient annual leave to book a term time holiday without them.

When - wrongly, and in utter desperation to avoid putting the kids through a court battle - I offered him to keep 40:60 contact but reduce his payments by 45% he agreed the same day. If he really wanted half their lives with him, he'd have pushed for a court order of 50:50. He cares most about money. I care more about the kids but that doesn't mean I'm happy to live worrying about cash flow because I made the wrong decisions about maintenance and investing. If he feels ok about saying "this arrangement doesn't suit me financially" then he should also be ok with me saying that I've tried this new way, it doesn't suit me and I want to change it

@Blankscreen

He is their dad and if he is good enough to have them 40% of the time why not 50% of the time??

It sounds like you are don't want him to have access because you don't want the maintenance to stop so you are using the kids as much as he is.

The fact his career progressed and you haven't got spousal maintenance (because you weren't married) is a separate issue from child maintenance.

The courts generally start from 50/50 access now and you need to persuade them why that shouldn't apply in this case.

They were married , she mentioned divorce.

I'd talk to the children (at least the older ones) and see what they want.

If they want 50/50, fine. If they're unhappy spending so much time with him due to his piss-poor parenting, I'd tell him that not only is he not getting 50/50 but actually you're going to look to reduce contact (and will go to court if necessary). I don't see why your DC should have to spend so much time with a father who doesn't meet their basic needs just to reduce his financial liability to them.

@ChocolateMassacre

I'd talk to the children (at least the older ones) and see what they want.

If they want 50/50, fine. If they're unhappy spending so much time with him due to his piss-poor parenting, I'd tell him that not only is he not getting 50/50 but actually you're going to look to reduce contact (and will go to court if necessary). I don't see why your DC should have to spend so much time with a father who doesn't meet their basic needs just to reduce his financial liability to them.

Absolutely this. And @coughup go to the CMS today so that your claim starts now. If it's not been updated since 2017 (does he not think inflation applies to you?) it may be more now.

You are entering very expensive years with your three children and if their dad can't put them first you can get the extra maintenance to ensure they have what they need and don't look back on their teenage years as a time of their mum scrimping and their dad's neglect.

I actually think this is a good opportunity for you to reset things.