Totally, utterly and absolutely alone.

[MockneyReject]

Do most lone parents have at least someone, to share not only the burden, but also the joy?
This Xmas I will, once again, buy the presents, wrap the presents, then watch the presents being unwrapped. Just me and DS. No-one to share his surprise with. The joy. The excitement. No-one to play along with.
Anything he wants is down to me to provide. Any disappointment is mine to manage.
Then there's the guilt - at having to leave him home alone while I work to earn the money to buy the presents. And then on Xmas day, when I work for FA, because that's minimum wage care work minus 63% UC deductions for you.
Then I'll do dinner for us both, same as the other 364 days a year. We'll pull crackers and the winner will be either me, or him.
I'll somehow have to stage manage a present for myself, again, without him realising, so that he doesn't feel sorry for me. Same as I did for my birthday. And Mother's Day.
For the 10th year in a row.
At least there's a slight novelty value this year, in that I'll be doing it all one handed. Because I've broken my shoulder and it needs surgery. But I can't have the surgery, because there's no-one to look after him - plus I can't afford the time off work. Because I pay 100% of the rent and the bills. So, I have to 'learn to live with it'.
It's f***g relentless.

I'm really sorry you're having such a shit time. This sounds so incredibly hard. I'm sending you some love this Christmas.
Is there no other friends or family you can team up with? Or a volunteer group or similar? Do you live in a town or village where there might be some community things going on? Altho I know time must be impossible xxx

I didn't want to read and run OP but that sounds like really tough going. Do you have anyone at all, friends you could have over or relations, even distant, that you could call up? Neighbours that you could have over for a glass of wine and a chat?

Sending over some hugs x

OP I also think it's incredibly important you take care of yourself - I think prioritising that surgery should be top of your list. Could your son stay with you in hospital, or could Social Services help out with care for one or two nights? Could a neighbour take him?

That sounds so bloody hard. Well done you for managing it every other year. Your son will one day understand everything you have provided. Good you not reach out to school friends or colleagues, ask them if you could join for dinner on Christmas Day or something? I don’t know,it sounds so tough. X

Where in the world are you op?

I was considering writing a similar post but not the same as I have more than one child but just seeing these threads about potential lock downs and everyone being devastated they might not be able to see their family at Xmas had me realising how along we really are, it’s always just me my kids at Xmas we have no family or friends to visit and no one visits us, that’s our life, that’s a reality for me yet everyone else seems to have these big family gatherings, it will just be me and my kids at Xmas like every other year. Was starting to feel like the only one.

I'm a lone parent without family close by and no friends close enough to share any of the daily grind. But I do travel to family at Christmas so not in the same boat.

Not relevant here really but I volunteer as a mentor for a looked after young person. OP there absolutely will be some help out there somewhere, I promise you that there will be someone who will look after your boy to allow you to look after yourself. I volunteer with all sorts of people who would help to make this happen in the system.

Ask your local children's services, once you have got that bit sorted ask CAB where to find financial assistance.

I know this sounds bizarre but is there a church near you ?. I knew somebody who was in a similar situation and she went to church one Sunday just for something to do and gradually became part of that community. Changed her life. Just a suggestion.

Thank you. I'm just having a bit of a wallow!
I'm sure there will be stuff going on - we moved here during lockdown, so don't really know anyone.
DS started a new school in September, but he goes on the bus, so I don't even do the school run, to meet other parents.
We moved from one end of the country to the other, about 5 years ago, with the help of Women's Aid. Because that meant privately renting (at the very lowest end of the scale), we have moved 3 times in 5 years, so haven't really been able to get established anywhere.
My dad is 3-4 hours away, and isn't getting any younger, so my conversations with him are all pretty superficial - as in, how lovely it is here, how well we're doing etc.
Life is good, on the whole, and generally I appreciate how nice this part of the country is, and how lucky I am to have found a job I love. I guess it's just the broken bone, the weeks off work (on SSP) followed by Covid - I'm going a bit stir crazy!

When we first 'landed' in this part of the country, the first thing I did was go to church - despite my atheism. It was invaluable, and I met genuine Christians. Generous, kind, non-judgemental - and fun! A real eye opener, actually.
But then lock down happened. I worked throughout, which was tough, but also saved us both from being isolated.
But the church in the new place has been mostly closed. I'd hoped to join the Remembrance March, but went and got Covid!
And, right now, I don't even have work!

That is so very hard OP. I hope you can sort something out to get your shoulder fixed. You are an amazing Mum.

Would it be worth contacting the school and church to see if they can offer support? You must get your shoulder fixed.

I’m so sorry op. You are an amazing mum and things won’t always be like this. Time will change things, you will meet new people and your child will become an adult with good memories of a mum who did the absolute best for them despite incredibly difficult circumstances. You should be very proud of yourself.

But you absolutely need your shoulder fixed. Even emergency foster care would be an option.

Sorry, but I don't know how to 'tag' posters to commiserate - and say thanks!
I'm very reluctant to have DS singled out as being 'in need', as we have finally found a long term home, and I want him to lay down his roots, here, on his own terms.
The break couldn't have happened at a worse time. Actually, that's not true. At least I got Covid while I was off work, anyway.
The Consultant said that some people just 'live with it', so kind of gave me an opt out, really. It's not just the day of surgery - its also the recovery time.
I need to get back to work.

I'm sorry life is so awful for you just now. I really think you should contact the school and let them know. They may be able to help with support for you, possibly by discreetly asking other parents who live nearby if they can give you any help.

Churches are open now in the Uk. Contact the one you have been attending and see if they can help you.

My upbringing was like this and it was so hard because you also don’t want anyone else to know, 95% of the time when you open up people sneer or pity but give nothing. The worst bit was my mother being awful on Christmas Day through pure exhaustion that she’d tried so hard and it was still a million miles from what you see on tv. On the plus side life is long and I’ve grown with a deep respect for how hard she worked to provide. She has a partner now and they always put on a lovely Christmas for me, my husband and children. But still the pressure to be a certain way at Christmas is awful, I think it reminds everyone what they feel they are missing

Oh, I won't be awful - but I would just love to share his excitement with someone who cares about him. But, realistically, no-one does. He is cute and funny and smart and adorable. But no-one knows that, because we have no shared history, here. And I cant show him off, on, say FB, because 'out of sight, out of mind' keeps us (me) safe, for now.

The church we were attending is 9 miles away.
Also, I have to work EOW, so kind of want to make the most of the 2 Sundays a month that I'm not up and out at 7am! (By 'snuggling in)
I guess I posted because, being off work, I've been reading a lot, on-line. And have realised how broad a term 'single parent' really is. I think most single parents are not completely alone. And that's good, for them - and their children. But that makes me feel even worse for mine!

Just wanted to give u an un mumsnet hug.
The system is fucked up. You are obviously trying your best and don't get support.
You say 10yrs is your DS that age or older? Do u get any help over holidays that the local council provide. I know that doesn't help with the social aspect but maybe cash?
Have you a local Facebook page.
I am lucky that I am a single parent but i do have a small family so i know I can't fully give advice or know how you are feeling. X

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job raising your son. I'm so sorry you are having a crap time, I hope things improve soon. But don't feel bad about your son, he is very lucky to have you and all you have done for him to keep him safe.

Just seen update. Can you create a Facebook or Instagram that is private and upload all things so when older ther are memories to look back over. So you can do all the pics and capture moments. I don't mean the fake insta staged things or the crap #family bobs shit on Facebook but so u can still document growing up and memories

Sorry you feel this way, but you are one amazing mum and not only is your son very lucky but he will always remember you tried your hardest for him. He won't remember the presents he got but he will have memories of how you loved him growing up and that's worth more than anything. You really are amazing 🌟

Hey OP I will come sit on this bench with you.

Lone parent here just me and DS, work full time in the community.

I dread Christmas day and I don't dread it at the same time, it's off. But yes similarly for the same reason as you.

The wrapping the preparing all to sit there and fake amazement on my own, to then cook dinner for two, with two Christmas crackers. I also sneak in a present from Santa for me. So DS doesn't feel bad.

Then come 9pm once he's crashed out in a sugar coma. I just sorta sot there alone in the silence. Nobody to talk to, nobody to share the joy with or the clean up

It sucks.

LA provided a holiday club - on a local farm, sort of forest School, but from 10-2, so inaccessible for lone, working parents. I tried to start work at 7, then 'sneak home' at 10ish, grab him, drop him at the farm, then rush back to work, but it didn't work out.
He's 11, so child care is awkward. In fact, 7am Sunday morning childcare is impossible! I keep in touch with him, by phone. It's far from ideal, but I don't want to announce in the Parish magazine, that he's home alone, either!
Mostly, younger colleagues will trade my Xmas day shift for NYE, but last year all the clubs were shut, so there was nothing in it for them. Luckily, my manager took pity on me, and did my visits (home care). But, after 5 weeks off with this broken shoulder, and due back at work on 11th December, ai think I've exhausted all sympathy!
I honestly think there's a world of difference between co-parenting and 'this' I daren't even claim maintenance, for fear of jogging his memory, reminding him we still exist...