Totally, utterly and absolutely alone.

[MockneyReject]

Do most lone parents have at least someone, to share not only the burden, but also the joy?
This Xmas I will, once again, buy the presents, wrap the presents, then watch the presents being unwrapped. Just me and DS. No-one to share his surprise with. The joy. The excitement. No-one to play along with.
Anything he wants is down to me to provide. Any disappointment is mine to manage.
Then there's the guilt - at having to leave him home alone while I work to earn the money to buy the presents. And then on Xmas day, when I work for FA, because that's minimum wage care work minus 63% UC deductions for you.
Then I'll do dinner for us both, same as the other 364 days a year. We'll pull crackers and the winner will be either me, or him.
I'll somehow have to stage manage a present for myself, again, without him realising, so that he doesn't feel sorry for me. Same as I did for my birthday. And Mother's Day.
For the 10th year in a row.
At least there's a slight novelty value this year, in that I'll be doing it all one handed. Because I've broken my shoulder and it needs surgery. But I can't have the surgery, because there's no-one to look after him - plus I can't afford the time off work. Because I pay 100% of the rent and the bills. So, I have to 'learn to live with it'.
It's f***g relentless.

Did you apply for the £500 Covid payment from the local council?

Hi, I'm not entitled to the Covid payment. Because, although I usually work full time, I was off with the broken shoulder for 3 of the previous 4 weeks. Therefore, I didn't work enough hours last month, to meet the criteria.

Please claim every penny of maintenance Op.
please don’t go without and let the dead beat get away with not contributing to his son at all

Grwtch (sorry - techno duffer!) The 'two crackers' really hit home. My son is as wonderful as everyone else's- but no-one knows, never mind cares. 😢

The £7 a week is not worth the risk. He dragged me through the family court - took everything I earned, over and above benefit level in legal aid contributions, only to publicly 'fire' his barrister during the final hearing, and drop the case. 16 months of fear, of panic attacks every time the postman came, just to drop the case - because he never actually wanted him. Honestly, it's not worth it. I'd rather work the extra 2 hours (minimum wage minus tax/NI/Universal Credit/pension/work car deductions) for that £7.

OP you aren't alone, in that there are lots of us in the same situation. And I know what you mean.

I make xmas each year for my ds. presents, food, outings. I earn the money, decorate the house, organise the fun. It's hard work, this is the 10th year. I love my ds and my life but it would be nice, one year for there to be someone else carrying a bit of the load.

Don't be fooled by other people's 'happy families' though. So often they prove to be an illusion.

You sound like a fantastic mum doing a great job, people will love him just like you do as he grows into the community

I would definitely contact the church or go back even just once a month so that you can meet people and start to build some community. I totally understand you wanting to snuggle in on your days off but I bet it would make you feel better in the long run. And you can take your DS with you so wouldn't need childcare. Churches around here have started up children's and youth groups again.

If your son is 10, then he is old enough to select your birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas gifts. Give him some money and take him to a store. Then be prepared to love the patterned scarf, awful perfume, flashy bracelet, or weird thing he chooses. (I once got a set of salt and pepper shakers that looked like Eeyore the donkey!)
Check back with your chosen church. Do they have an "Adopt a Grandparent Program"? There are many people who don't even have the joy of a child or the comfort of a mate. Maybe you could make your own family group?

OP, if you're in West Sussex, please feel free to PM me if you want a friend. I've been where you are.

I am in West Midlands. If you are near to me PM me for a chat. I am a foster carer and have looked after children while Mum in hospital before. You need to get your shoulder fixed for your future.

Thank you, everyone. Last night/overnight, I had a bit of a crisis of confidence. Today, I will hoik up my big girl pants, and get on with it.
As usual.
I have to call my manager, and explain that my bone hasn't fused. It's possible that call will end with me losing my job. My car, my independence, goes with the job.
My choices are a) get back to work, to normality and accept the bone will never mend. Accept it will always be weak and will likely force early retirement. By then, DS will be an adult and independent.
Or b) have the surgery, not be able to cook or clean for yet another month, eat toast and soup for yet another month, and lose my reputation for reliability and also the car. Be stuck out here, in a village we have no ties to, with 2 hourly buses and no way of getting to/from future medical appointments.
I don't regret moving away from home, but Jeez, sometimes it's hard to find the positives!
I generally just shrug it off and accept that I chose to move away, and that this is how it is. But, I can't even shrug. Well, I can, but it hurts.
Wallow, wallow, wallow.

Op there's a saying something like you can not pour from an empty cup (I may have got the vessel wrong!).

You need to prioritise your health for the next few months, whatever that takes.

You sound like a fab parent who has had more than their share of hardship and bad luck. Your child is lucky to have you. But I think that you need to change your mindset that somehow looking after yourself isn't that important.

Get your shoulder sorted. Then you can get back to work in a few months.

I'm sure you are an excellent carer and any Agency would love to have you. Have you considered working in a care home as an activities coordinator. Less stress on you physically. And more core hours. You could still do bank work for more ££

I'm In Hampshire id be happy to help with your son.

Get back to church and enjoy being part of a community.

Speak to social services about some help around your operation.

Regarding gifts. I give my two £10 and send them into home bargains. I wait at the till. They love it.

Please look after yourself. You are important too

Thank you.
My car is leased through work. I couldn't otherwise afford one. I am not even on the electoral roll, because of the need for privacy, so would never get one in my own right. Plus, of course, the multiple short term private rentals all add up to me being a bad credit risk.
If I lose this job, I will be limited to walking distance or public transport. There's no work within walking distance. We're rural, and buses are every two hours, between 8-5, so no chance of doing shifts at a care home.
The car is essential for work and for any quality of life. Days out on my weekend off. After school clubs. Activities. Seeing my Dad (I don't go 'home'; we meet at a holiday park). Emergencies. It's my lifeline.

Thanks again for the offers of friendship. I find it very difficult IRL to admit that I need help. Because the buck stops with me, and I fear that once I begin to 'give in' it'll be the start of a slippery slope.
DS primary school/PTA used to do a lovely thing, where they took each class to shop for Xmas presents, in the Hall. You sent £1-£2 and genuinely didn't know what they had chosen for you. My wind up wooden boat is one of my most treasured possessions!

Sitting on the bench with you too.

Being a lone parent fucking sucks. I have no family either so it really is Just Us.

This thread has really opened my eyes. We are having a quiet Christmas at home this year but if anyone here lives nearby you are welcome to join us. It's important to make local connections. We are in Keighley, West Yorkshire.

@MockneyReject

Thanks again for the offers of friendship. I find it very difficult IRL to admit that I need help. Because the buck stops with me, and I fear that once I begin to 'give in' it'll be the start of a slippery slope. DS primary school/PTA used to do a lovely thing, where they took each class to shop for Xmas presents, in the Hall. You sent £1-£2 and genuinely didn't know what they had chosen for you. My wind up wooden boat is one of my most treasured possessions!

I know what you mean about adding for help and the worry it means you slide into not coping.

But it doesn't work like that. The more support you have, the better you can cope and manage all your responsibilities without getting overwhelmed.

You sound really strong and I so admire how tough you are being in goddawful circumstances. I think when it all gets too much it's ok to have a 'wallow' or whatever you want to call it because sometimes you just need it. But as pp said, asking for help isn't sliding, it'll make you stronger and offer you community and people to show off your wonderful son to.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to help, you or anyone else who's feeling it too? We moved recently too and lockdown and covid makes for such weird times

Get your shoulder sorted. Don’t feel guilty, it’s not your fault at all.
You are doing a great job. It’s all worth it.
I’m in East Anglia, happy to meet up and help if I can.

Get your shoulder sorted. It’s important.

I have to work EOW, so kind of want to make the most of the 2 Sundays a month that I'm not up and out at 7am! (By 'snuggling in)

I am also a single parent, and I know what you mean about always being the one to buy, wrap, and be excited about gifts. We live in a different country from my parents and siblings, and I do miss that backup.

But...as a single parent of an only child, I just don't think using time off work for "snuggling in" is a viable option, however tempting. I have worked very hard to build social networks (several) so that we always have people to share life with. Last Christmas we couldn't fly out, but we had a lovely day with another single parent and child. DS got to share the excitement with another child, I enjoyed the adult company.

I know it sucks and sometimes I feel like I can't be arsed to be social, but it is worth the effort.

My friends and I also make a point of photographing each other with our kids, especially at birthdays etc, and all the kids together. I hate being photographed and at first I really didn't appreciate it, but looking back I see how important it is.

Have you looked at Gingerbread

They might be able to offer some help.

OP, I read this and felt very sad for you, being in such a crappy situation with work/shoulder but I also read it feeling really happy for your son, what a bloody amazing mum you are, it’s so nice to hear such love for your child when things are so hard for you. Keep going, things will get better xx

@User310

OP, I read this and felt very sad for you, being in such a crappy situation with work/shoulder but I also read it feeling really happy for your son, what a bloody amazing mum you are, it’s so nice to hear such love for your child when things are so hard for you. Keep going, things will get better xx

I'll echo this and also say you did such a brave and noble thing getting away from someone bad and giving your child a carefree life. Bless you x x