can i just get some thoughts on that theory, you know the one where, the ex who had treated you badly and let you down justifies this behaviour by becoming a monster, cos they feel guilty

[pirratePiggy]

Becuase i have never understood this. If I felt bad, i think and hope I would do my utmost to make it better for the person I had left and not beat them when they are down.

This behaviour of my ex, the re writing history, etc, WHY??

hi Sky,

yes its got to the point, over the last year or so that dd has been more and mre unhappy going to his house. Lots of 'tales' coming back about the gf, and my dd feeling more and more upset in her company.
DD really doesn't like her.

So over the last fewmonths, dd has beenmore and more upset. Then refused, I asked ex to consider spending some quality time with her, not at his, and was told to f off basically.

Hence i now beilieve more of what dd has been saying about, fg, that she's 'bossy' 'not kind' not polite to me.
I belive thisbecuase my understanding is that ex is not allowed to see dd on his own, and that gf wants it all lovely and happy families at her house, sorry i mean 'thier house' lol.

5 weeks ago dd refused to go, when he picked her up. Crying and clinging.

he's not tried till now to see her, yet once again said I'll pick her up. I said, she might not want to go.

I did not ask if gf is coming too. I was rather hoping and praying he wuold come on his own and take dd out at least. Which is something I have asked time and time again for about 2 yrs.

Hi

I say I haven't got any experience of step-families but I suppose I do in a way. My father's partner of the last 8 years before he died. I was a grown-up when they got together so I have never lived with her and we do get on ok although she can be a cow sometimes.

Although I was happy to see her with him most of the time, there were times when I wished I could see him on his own. Because I didn't know her all that well (know her better now) and because there are times when you want a personal one-to-one chat with your parent.

For a child, this must be even more important. Your ex is either very dense, if he doesn't realise this, or his innate charming personality (and the pressures from his gf and the ongoing feud situation) is making him be bloody-minded. I suspect the latter. Please excuse me if I'm stating the obvious (it's what I'm known for, after all!)

I must have missed some of your threads for the background but you are right that dd is the important person in all this and she has the right to choose what she wants. How much is it really going to cost him to take her to the park on their own once in a while? If he would just put her first for once, she might start to trust him again and feel better about going to his house. Is his gf so insecure and possessive that she won't let him out of her sight?

If he won't show any sensitivity to her needs, and be civil to you, I would suggest family therapy. But he wouldn't turn up to that, either, would he.

(Obviously, it is so much easier to give advice than to deal with the real situation.)

hi all

ex rang last saturday. he WILL be coming over to see dd 2morro, cos he doesn't want to lose the bond. ans wants her over to his for the night. I said she might not want to go. Ok says he I just want to see her.

Hasnt seen her for 6 weeks.

Got shitty phone message last night, 'teachers have only just told me abuot her school play, i cant come, why didn't you tell me' bla bla bla.

um cos its not my job any fuckn more, and if you've made arrangements with the school and they have forgotten then tough tits.

Now i havebeen ill all week in bed, still am ill, but I texted him and said, i was going to ask you to go, but when i told dd she did not want you to come.

this morning i got a text saying,

'have you asked her why? I find this all a bit bizarre. If i have done something to upset her I would like to know what it is'

I rest my case, I give the fuck up.

needless to say i did not reply.

. he'll be here in about an hour. i am not sure how to be. might hide behind xmas tree

Hi Pirate. How was it? Did she go with him?

hi there,

no she didn't go. He just came here, stayed about half an hour. Tried to engage in chit chat with me, hard not to reply realy. Same old, started asking my opinions on his hair, things like that

he looked awful, he's thin anyway, but looked shit.

I asked if he could take dd out for a few hrs, 'um, no not today, I'm running a bit latenow as it is'

balls, you mean your gf is in the car or in town and you have to go now becuas eof her.

I said fine, then said maybe you can take her out for an hour next time you come. mumbled something, like yes, we will see.

Dd said after he had gone thst he asked her to go to his, and she said no ( ihad made myself scarce). He asked her why and she said she didn't know-bless. She said she felt like crying, yet at least he has heard it from her now.

Oh.

It's good that he has heard it from dd, although he will probably still choose to believe that you have influenced her (you can't win in this situation, can you?) It's good that they have at least seen each other. Unfortunately, it does sound as if he and his gf are determined that dd has to go to theirs and that, if dd won't do this, it may be that your ex and dd still won't see much of each other, stalemate. I expect he has to report back to gf for new orders. But there is always hope, I suppose.

his behaviour is rotten isnt it?

exh wants to come see the kids next weekend, and i said i would like him to take them out rather than expect to sit at my house

last time he came he went rummaging about and brought out a load of old family dvds, and sta there for 4 hours watching them getting all maudlin, while i got more and more irate at him lazing about in my home

he replied saying it might be difficult without a car , and maybe he would only stay 4 hours
i reminded him he was only here that time before, and it made me uncomfortable

isnt all this drama a load of crap?

you have my sympathies pirate

ah lou, i see now, you replied lol. its this man flu you see pmsl!!