ElenorRigby ? It does depend on the individuals involved and the particular situation. I?m sure there are some single mothers out there who take some satisfaction in getting a bit of their own back by being awkward with their ex and his new partner. But that?s just something that has to be taken into account when you get together with a man who has had children with someone else. Someone who probably, very reasonably, thought it was a life commitment and is not too happy that she was seen as disposable. I suppose it just depends on your point of view!
PirratePiggy, Pingu
I still feel the way you do. It still really stings that I have no power to make dd's father behave reasonably and respectfully towards me and to her. But what can you do? There is no law you can call on and (with the exception of Daily Mail readers banging on about single parents, benefits and tax payers money) society and the media seem not too bothered that some men abandon their children or wage a war of sneaky underhand attrition (or even blatant aggression) against their former partners.
To get to your question, the reason I think it is better to pretend not to care is because:
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'Living well is the best revenge'. This is a cliche and that's because it's true. Tried and tested over many years by generations before us. In the long run, it works better and is more dignified than cutting the arms off his suits or making a show of yourself, knocking on the ow's door and giving her merry hell. Although these other methods are fun in the short term.
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It's better than hitting your head against a brick wall. You've got enough on your plate recovering from the trauma of the split and adjusting to being a single parent and so it's best to conserve your energy.
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Trying to control things and getting angry when he messes you around all the time is bad for your health, sooner or later the suppressed and/or impotent anger turns into depression. You'll probably be depressed anyway because the whole thing is traumatic but you don't need it to be worse.
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If you drop your anger, it can confuse him and maybe even freak him out. While you're raging at him, all he can think about is: 'How soon can I get away? When is she going to shut up? Doesn't she look ugly when her face is all screwed up, shouting like that? What did I ever see in her? I was right to call it a day, can't wait to see xxxxx (ow) and for her to tell me how wonderful I am...etc., etc..' You get the picture. When you start smiling and being extra reasonable, Stepford-wife-stylee, although he may be relieved (grrrrh!) at first, it soon puts the willies up him. He knows there's something not quite right. He wants to know why you're not reacting the way he expected you to. What do you know that he doesn't? He starts to get paranoid. This can give you some minor satisfaction in the short term at least. It's childish but I think one of the worst things that can happen is when you lose your sense of humour. Another good old phrase is 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Let him think that you are planning a feast some time in the future and it might cause him some insomnia.
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If you pretend you don't care, you never know, he might just start treating you better and this might achieve the best thing for you and your child(ren) even if the whole thing isn't fair or just.
There are probably other reasons for pretending you don't care. Perhaps because the more you pretend, the more it becomes real. It's not possible to do it straight away, it would be unnatural not to vent your feelings initially, but the sooner you can achieve a measure of detachment, the better.
As women, we tend towards wanting to cooperate, to be conciliatory, to talk things through at length, sort things out. We expect other people, including men, to treat us the same way. I suppose I am being sexist but men don't seem to think like that. They, more than us, live in a world of competition, not cooperation.
If something has going wrong, many men just want to shove it under the carpet, get away, pretend it hasn't happened, disassociate themselves with it. They want to avoid conflict, avoid discussing everything which, for them, is just an opportunity for you to rub their nose in it and get the upper hand. If there was something in your relationship which wasn't working, why didn't they discuss it with you? But no, they preferred to avoid the potential conflict, hold a secret grudge against you and then, after this had festered for a while and spoilt your relationship in their head, they prefer to run away and find someone else rather than try and fix what was wrong.
As a woman I want to get to the bottom of a problem and find a solution. The avoidant kind of man sees this as me attempting to make him lose face. He wants an easy life, a path of least resistance, he's got the ow lined up as his soft landing and she hasn't yet started complaining about all his faults and he hasn't got the imagination to realise that she will in due course.
So, in my opinion, raging at a bloke who has done the dirty on you is playing into their hands. They want a reason to justify their leaving you and, in their eyes, you are giving them the reason. The fact that their behaviour was the cause and your behaviour is the effect can be irrelevant to them.
(I realise the above is hugely sexist and I apologise as I am not intending to tar all men with the same brush, or even a significant proportion of them. It's just to get the point across.)
By leaving my xp alone and not hassling him to see dd, I am hoping that he might, of his own accord, eventually decide to do so. He's always said he intends to but it seems to be just to wind me up. I can't make him see her. I could turn up at his local pub with dd (who's the spit of him) and slag him off to all and sundry re. what a rubbish father he is. That would cause him problems but it wouldn't make him see her. Sometimes, I think she might be better off never knowing him but that is her decision, not mine. She is just getting to the age now where she wants to know about him.
I am aware that he has had physical and mental health problems, including losing his job at one point so, despite my anger, I haven't wanted to put pressure on him. I know he got a new job in the summer so, presumably his life is getting back on track. I will leave it up to another year longer and, if he still hasn't got in touch, I might contact him via a mediation service and ask him if he is prepared to meet on neutral ground to discuss dd. If not, that will be it and dd and he can sort something out themselves when she is older if they want to.
I think suggestions of going through solicitors and mediators are good ideas as, when communication has broken down, or deteriorated to slanging matches, involving a 3rd party and neutral ground, formalising the situation, may be the only way of bridging the gap.
In some ways, leaving him alone, I am doing exactly what he wants but there's nothing to be achieved by hassling him. I've not heard from him for nearly a year. Before then, he used to contact me because I think he felt uneasy not knowing what we were doing, not having any control over us. So he called on the pretext of arranging contact with dd, satisfied his curiosity by asking questions about how we were doing, how we were living, and then nothing happened. If I pursued the matter in terms of asking why nothing ever came of his request for a contact visit, he'd start accusing me of harrassing him. So I suppose I am well trained now. He appears to have got away with it. But I think it will slowly eat away at him, not guilt as such (I'm not sure he is capable of that emotion) but you can't just pretend a child doesn't exist and, if you do, you lose something and become vulnerable in some way. It will catch up with him one of these days.
Wow, another Uber-long post.