Please tell me it gets easier

[Amber245]

I’m a single parent as of October with kids ranging from 5 to 13. My ex is not allowed contact with the kids. They miss him and I miss him. I have no family locally and we had to move, so I don’t even know my neighbours. I work from home, so I see people occasionally, but I’m struggling so much with my mental health that I avoid seeing people where possible. My kids are sweethearts, good at school and perfectly lovely human beings (usual challenges but not difficult kids—I’m sitting typing this whilst they all play nicely.) Yet I can’t cope. The smallest tiniest thing makes me lose it. I cry all the time, they don’t even comment now because they are just used to me crying all the time sad.

I spend my evenings googling suicide and then feel like the worst person in the World because without me, my kids have no one. But then I think, they are lovely kids, someone would find them a lovely family with parents who actually played with them and didn’t cry all the time sad. I’ve been to the doctor and they just tell me that, given the circumstances, I am coping really well. I don’t feel like I am though, I feel like I don’t want to be here sad. And I can’t even talk to anyone anymore because I’ve exhausted everyone’s goodwill and just a burden on them now, I literally bring nothing to their lives other than misery and moaning.

Sometimes I wake up and feel positive, then by mid afternoon I’m crying (like now). And once I start it’s like I can’t stop. Today my kids fell out, just a normal argument over a toy. But I can’t cope with anything.

Sorry for the ramble. How and when does it get easier? I don’t feel like it ever will, and I feel so sad because I used to love being a mummy and now I hate it and I hate myself now, too sad

You need to see your GP and get yourself some help.

Could you be perimenopausal OP? Or something else medical/depression maybe? I think go back to the dr again and tell them you're not coping and you want it investigated?

Sorry I am new to this. Where it says ‘sad’ was an unhappy emoji, hope that makes sense. Thank you in advance for any advice xx

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I don’t have a lot of practical advice but could you print or write down exactly what you’ve said here and show it to your GP? Or ask to see a different doctor? I suffer from depression and this is how I feel when it gets bad - I just want to cry although nothing is actually wrong or bad. Depression is manageable but you need a lot of help with it.

You sound like a lovely mum who loves her kids and wants to be there for them, so please do reach out and seek help because it will be worth it.

@dancemom

You need to see your GP and get yourself some help.

I’ve had endless phone appointments with GP and nurse and they just tell me I’m coping really well under the circumstances (I’ve told them I feel suicidal, they ask if I’ve taken any practical steps towards ending my life and I say no, and that’s that)

I think a lot of it is loneliness. I met up with a friend last week for coffee outdoors during school time and felt good for the first time in so long, but then came home and cried pretty much for 2 days solid other than school runs, like seeing someone, made me realise even more how lonely I am. I don’t know how single parents cope with it just being you, just the massive burden of it all, just knowing there is no one to share the emotional, practical etc load. It’s just so overwhelming and lonely, and I know there are millions of single parents doing it, but for some reason, I just don’t seem to be able to

That’s appalling, they should be listening to you and offering help. Keep calling. Keep asking for help, keep showing how desperate you are. I’m so sorry they’re failing you. Is there a chance you could change GP
surgeries?

I’ve actually changed surgery due to moving, and I’ve spoken to 7 people (doctors and nurses) in total. I think I probably sound v professional on the phone (?!) I don’t know, I have always been able to hold things together well when I feel I should. I do tell them I cry all the time and feel like ending it all etc. though.

Loneliness is one of the main factors that trigger depression. Do you work OP? If not, are there any activities or hobbies you could join during the school day that would give you the chance to socialise with other people? Volunteering for a few hours somewhere local might be good, or helping out at the school? These are all harder to do now with Covid, but what really helps me is setting 3 small goals each day:

1 person to meet
1 place to go
1 task to accomplish

Even if they’re small - the place could be supermarket and the task could be taking the bins out, but it gives you something to work towards to.

@Wuurg

Could you be perimenopausal OP? Or something else medical/depression maybe? I think go back to the dr again and tell them you're not coping and you want it investigated?

Thank you, I didn’t think about menopause but I am in my 40s, and my periods are very weird these days, so I guess it could be this, too. I’ll mention it to GP, I’m planning to book another appointment anyway

With you saying you miss your ex, was it your decision to end things, or was it forced because of something he's done. In which case you are now mourning the end of your relationship too?

Get back on the phone to the Dr, tell them you need some help. Can you afford private counselling? That might help.
Are social services involved, can you ask them for support.

You can do this. I promise. Your kids need you, it's fine to be sad, it's fine to be overwhelmed, but you can do this and wake up each day and try for them.

Can you arrange a coffee with your friends. I can guarantee they don't see you as a burden and having used up your goodwill. They will see you as their friend that needs support.
Arrange a walk in the park with another parent, focus on tiny wins. The day doesn't have to be huge/perfect. One foot in front of the other, each hour as it comes. Make life easy. Easy food, easy decisions for now. Film days for the kids when you're struggling.
You got this.

@EileenGC

Loneliness is one of the main factors that trigger depression. Do you work OP? If not, are there any activities or hobbies you could join during the school day that would give you the chance to socialise with other people? Volunteering for a few hours somewhere local might be good, or helping out at the school? These are all harder to do now with Covid, but what really helps me is setting 3 small goals each day:

1 person to meet
1 place to go
1 task to accomplish

Even if they’re small - the place could be supermarket and the task could be taking the bins out, but it gives you something to work towards to.

Thank you, I will try this! Yes I work, but from home, some days I have meetings, some days not. I am definitely better on days I ‘see’ people (on screen). And days we leave the house are better (it’s rained today, and we’ve stayed in, and I struggle more on these days for sure). I used to have loads of friends but now feel like, if anyone meets up with me, they’ll be doing it because they feel sorry for me, so I avoid asking as don’t want anyone to feel obliged to meet up!

All of your replies have made me cry more (in a good way!). Thank you so much

@Bopahula

With you saying you miss your ex, was it your decision to end things, or was it forced because of something he's done. In which case you are now mourning the end of your relationship too?

Get back on the phone to the Dr, tell them you need some help. Can you afford private counselling? That might help.
Are social services involved, can you ask them for support.

You can do this. I promise. Your kids need you, it's fine to be sad, it's fine to be overwhelmed, but you can do this and wake up each day and try for them.

Can you arrange a coffee with your friends. I can guarantee they don't see you as a burden and having used up your goodwill. They will see you as their friend that needs support.
Arrange a walk in the park with another parent, focus on tiny wins. The day doesn't have to be huge/perfect. One foot in front of the other, each hour as it comes. Make life easy. Easy food, easy decisions for now. Film days for the kids when you're struggling.
You got this.

Thank you for this.

I had counselling and I dreaded it, and found it wasn’t helping so I stopped. Maybe I just need to be in a clearer and better place to be able to benefit from it?

Yes the lack of contact was imposed and not my choice, and it’s a total head f**k and so hard. I spend hours looking at old photos wishing I could rewind the clock and be back in my old life. Social Services assessed me as a protective parent with no concerns about my parenting, and closed our case, but said my ex is not allowed contact. It’s so hard, nothing really makes much sense to me (as in, it does, but it’s really hard to process). But as my kids don’t have their dad, it’s even more important I give them what they need, and I just feel so overwhelmed by that.

I gave up on the GP and stopped trying, I kept pinning my hopes on them finding a way to make it better and then everytime I ended a phone call I just spiralled and it took me so long to feel ok again. I sound so dramatic! I’ve been Googling to see how tiny things affect me SO badly, because it doesn’t really make sense.

I do have some lovely friends and I need to arrange some catch ups. I don’t know why that feels so hard!

Thank you for listening and for your suggestions and support. I already feel much better than I did when I made this post

Hi OP, I wish I knew how to work this bloody private messaging on here as I would say let's talk more.
Okay so I have lived apart from DC's father a year now, but told him properly in the late summer of last year that I would not be going back to him, he was abusive. Child contact is on hold whilst we go through mediation, not sure what the outcome will be. So since January I've not had the help of the other parent, I am fortunate I have family near by, which has been a help but I still struggle, I have had really bad times, and do struggle being stuck indoors or then having to get out and do everything too, I don't know if I have been as bad with being tearful etc, but I have had my moments. And I also lose it on a regular basis because i have got to the end of my tether, I am exhausted and only have the one DC, so i don't know how you are doing it seriously. My DC starts nursery next week and though I see it as more work getting through the time to get him there for literally a few hours, it's more than what we are having now! I would say speak to your doctor again, it's all lovely that they commend you, but that is not helping with how you feel!
Please write back if you feel to and if you can.x

@Amber245

I’ve actually changed surgery due to moving, and I’ve spoken to 7 people (doctors and nurses) in total. I think I probably sound v professional on the phone (?!) I don’t know, I have always been able to hold things together well when I feel I should. I do tell them I cry all the time and feel like ending it all etc. though.

I say this, because I speak well they think oh you are okay!

I think it feels hard, because there is so much to think about.

You don't have to be both parents to your kids. Just you. it's a huge upheaval for you all.

Maybe don't arrange a meet up yet, just drop a message to your friends saying hello. Asking how they are. A small amount of contact rather than planning a meet which I guess now involves either taking the kids, or arranging something else, wondering where to go, whether you want to talk about what's happened or not, worrying about how you're feeling for the date you've planned etc. Start small. :) don't put any pressure on yourself.
If it's anything like here today it's probably grotty and rainy. I feel meh today and I don't have anything like what you're dealing with. We're ordering pizza for tea and I'm sticking on a film once DD has had a bath.

Counselling is personal to you. Plus it depends on meeting the right counsellor. Again if it's too much then don't do it right now.

Some massive positives though. SS have said they have no issues with you. You recognise you're low and are reaching out to get help. You're talking on here asking for advice. You know getting out for walks makes you feel better and are making an effort to do that.
To me that's someone who is doing everything they can to work through how they are feeling and darn well stepping up to be a parent.

@Redruby2020 click on the 3 dots on the bottom right of the Ops post. That opens some options. PM is one of them.

@Amber245

I think a lot of it is loneliness. I met up with a friend last week for coffee outdoors during school time and felt good for the first time in so long, but then came home and cried pretty much for 2 days solid other than school runs, like seeing someone, made me realise even more how lonely I am. I don’t know how single parents cope with it just being you, just the massive burden of it all, just knowing there is no one to share the emotional, practical etc load. It’s just so overwhelming and lonely, and I know there are millions of single parents doing it, but for some reason, I just don’t seem to be able to

Yep feel the same, I go out sometimes more often other times not with my DC. And yet I do have my times it could be certain days of the week where I just feel miserable and think god is this it every night! Now online dating now which has been fun lol, but then taken up too much of my time and I realised actually some nights just catching up on stuff etc or having a chill out etc is nice, plus I have gone to bed too late for a very long time and it's taking it's toll, so that needs to be changed too.

I had a very similar experience with health services to you OP. I was very very not OK. But I sound reasonably middle class, could articulate myself. GP, Health visitor and others vetted me repeatedly for immediate suicide risk and whether my child was at risk. Even when I said I had intrusive thoughts around hurting my child, the only thing they wanted to check was whether I was acting on those. When I finally got access to a mental health services diagnosis, they assessed me as complex, chronic, long term, severe - but after 3 or 4 years the conclusion was nothing we can offer you, unless you are acute and turn up suicidal. I gave up, I will never approach the NHS for anything non physical again. My conclusion was and is there is nothing there unless you want to take increasing amounts and mixtures of pills. They won't admit that, so you are left to figure it out after they dick you around for years.

The thing to take away here is a simple message - you can go through, or you can check out. It's brutal, but that's the truth of it. Going through means day after day just keeping going. Alone, possibly isolated, when you feel like you can't. Until you can. Then one day you will start to feel you can.

@Amber245

I think a lot of it is loneliness. I met up with a friend last week for coffee outdoors during school time and felt good for the first time in so long, but then came home and cried pretty much for 2 days solid other than school runs, like seeing someone, made me realise even more how lonely I am. I don’t know how single parents cope with it just being you, just the massive burden of it all, just knowing there is no one to share the emotional, practical etc load. It’s just so overwhelming and lonely, and I know there are millions of single parents doing it, but for some reason, I just don’t seem to be able to

It is really really overwhelming. It's a lot of pressure to have on your shoulders. Your kids sound bloody amazing and that is 100% down to you!!

I'm not sure of your money situation but in practical terms when I was a lone parent having a cleaner helped as then less housework to do, also things like getting shopping delivered so less rushing about. And taking annual leave when the kids are in school and just doing whatever you want to do, even if that's hiding in bed all day.

Your GP sounds fucking horrendous! What a joke.

@Redruby2020

Hi OP, I wish I knew how to work this bloody private messaging on here as I would say let's talk more. Okay so I have lived apart from DC's father a year now, but told him properly in the late summer of last year that I would not be going back to him, he was abusive. Child contact is on hold whilst we go through mediation, not sure what the outcome will be. So since January I've not had the help of the other parent, I am fortunate I have family near by, which has been a help but I still struggle, I have had really bad times, and do struggle being stuck indoors or then having to get out and do everything too, I don't know if I have been as bad with being tearful etc, but I have had my moments. And I also lose it on a regular basis because i have got to the end of my tether, I am exhausted and only have the one DC, so i don't know how you are doing it seriously. My DC starts nursery next week and though I see it as more work getting through the time to get him there for literally a few hours, it's more than what we are having now! I would say speak to your doctor again, it's all lovely that they commend you, but that is not helping with how you feel! Please write back if you feel to and if you can.x

Thank you, I’m sorry you are finding things hard too. Mediation must be really hard, given the circumstances. I hope you’re dealing with that OK and that you are getting lots of support. And also support for what you’ve been through in your relationship, too.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind and supportive words. If I could just not cry ^^all the time, I would probably accept I’m doing an ‘ok’ job at this. But it can’t be healthy for my kids to watch me cry for hours on end. I feel like it’s guaranteed they will be screwed up for life. So far school are happy; they are all achieving in line with or above age expectations and being mostly decent and kind little humans. But I endlessly worry that at some point, they are, or will, suffer from all of this.

I made dinner this evening and everyone hated it (I’m no cook ). It was rice and sausages cooked in a (jar) of BBQ sauce. Littlest cried that the sauce was ‘too spicy’ and middle child cried because the rice was ‘too thin’ (basmati!). Normally I would have just cried at this point, but I managed to see the funny side as I scraped sauce off sausages from one bowl and removed rice from another 😅. So maybe I’m getting better . And I think reaching out onto here and feeling less alone as helped, too

Thank you again for replying and I hope you’re evening is going ok xx

Sorry for typos, your not you’re and has not as! Not sure if you can edit posts?! X

Redruby yes, I need to call and cry, but something kicks in for work/school runs/doctor calls, where I sound really cheerful and perfectly ok !

@Bopahula

I think it feels hard, because there is so much to think about.

You don't have to be both parents to your kids. Just you. it's a huge upheaval for you all.

Maybe don't arrange a meet up yet, just drop a message to your friends saying hello. Asking how they are. A small amount of contact rather than planning a meet which I guess now involves either taking the kids, or arranging something else, wondering where to go, whether you want to talk about what's happened or not, worrying about how you're feeling for the date you've planned etc. Start small. :) don't put any pressure on yourself.
If it's anything like here today it's probably grotty and rainy. I feel meh today and I don't have anything like what you're dealing with. We're ordering pizza for tea and I'm sticking on a film once DD has had a bath.

Counselling is personal to you. Plus it depends on meeting the right counsellor. Again if it's too much then don't do it right now.

Some massive positives though. SS have said they have no issues with you. You recognise you're low and are reaching out to get help. You're talking on here asking for advice. You know getting out for walks makes you feel better and are making an effort to do that.
To me that's someone who is doing everything they can to work through how they are feeling and darn well stepping up to be a parent.

Thank you, this was such a Lovely post and made me cry! You’re right, I am trying, I really am. I just hope I can start to do things better, because they do deserve to have a fun mummy again, who has energy and actually enjoys parenting!

I hope the pizza was good, and your evening is going ok. I’ve started getting McDonald’s once a week—yet another thing I feel guilty about, but the kids love it, and it’s just so so so nice to have one night off from cooking and clearing up! I tell myself, anything that gets us through this, and makes life that bit easier is ok at the moment..,