Please tell me it gets easier

[Amber245]

I’m a single parent as of October with kids ranging from 5 to 13. My ex is not allowed contact with the kids. They miss him and I miss him. I have no family locally and we had to move, so I don’t even know my neighbours. I work from home, so I see people occasionally, but I’m struggling so much with my mental health that I avoid seeing people where possible. My kids are sweethearts, good at school and perfectly lovely human beings (usual challenges but not difficult kids—I’m sitting typing this whilst they all play nicely.) Yet I can’t cope. The smallest tiniest thing makes me lose it. I cry all the time, they don’t even comment now because they are just used to me crying all the time sad.

I spend my evenings googling suicide and then feel like the worst person in the World because without me, my kids have no one. But then I think, they are lovely kids, someone would find them a lovely family with parents who actually played with them and didn’t cry all the time sad. I’ve been to the doctor and they just tell me that, given the circumstances, I am coping really well. I don’t feel like I am though, I feel like I don’t want to be here sad. And I can’t even talk to anyone anymore because I’ve exhausted everyone’s goodwill and just a burden on them now, I literally bring nothing to their lives other than misery and moaning.

Sometimes I wake up and feel positive, then by mid afternoon I’m crying (like now). And once I start it’s like I can’t stop. Today my kids fell out, just a normal argument over a toy. But I can’t cope with anything.

Sorry for the ramble. How and when does it get easier? I don’t feel like it ever will, and I feel so sad because I used to love being a mummy and now I hate it and I hate myself now, too sad

I saw this pop up on active threads and I just wanted to say how amazing you’re doing. I only have one child and my partner is around to help and I still feel like I can’t cope a lot of the time! (Not in a suicidal way so not trying to undermine your feelings though!)
Definitely keep pushing for help but please know most people wouldn’t be coping any better than you are in your situation xxx

I am the same with late bedtimes! Agh! Every night, I just read stuff online, it gets late, then I realise I have a tonne of jobs to do for the day ahead. Then don’t get enough sleep. Ugh.

I genuinely cannot ever imagine having the energy to do online dating but it sounds fun, and a good distraction!

@Amber245

I am the same with late bedtimes! Agh! Every night, I just read stuff online, it gets late, then I realise I have a tonne of jobs to do for the day ahead. Then don’t get enough sleep. Ugh.

I genuinely cannot ever imagine having the energy to do online dating but it sounds fun, and a good distraction!

Sorry this was a reply to redruby (?). I’m really not great at working this forum and quoting etc!

Go back to your GP - explain you don’t have an active plan but you are googling how to commit suicide, and get them to take you seriously. You are carrying (and managing) to carry so much, but it sounds like you could use extra help, either anti depressants, or therapy to get you through this adjustment to your life.

They should be doing more - I was suicidal with PND and they referred me to the crisis team, and then a CPN and the support I got was enough for me to improve.

Of course lone parenthood is never easy, but it should be easier than it is for you just now. Well done on holding it together, and managing - but you deserve some extra support.

Also never feel guilty about making life easier for yourself - I’m a lone parent with just one and we rely on McDonald’s way too much!!

@Piccalily19

I saw this pop up on active threads and I just wanted to say how amazing you’re doing. I only have one child and my partner is around to help and I still feel like I can’t cope a lot of the time! (Not in a suicidal way so not trying to undermine your feelings though!) Definitely keep pushing for help but please know most people wouldn’t be coping any better than you are in your situation xxx

Thank you, it is really kind of you to comment. I’m genuinely overwhelmed by how lovely everyone has been to me on here!

Parenting is hard at any stage, any family set up and with any number of children... it’s just a different set of challenges!

@TinyTroubleMaker

I had a very similar experience with health services to you OP. I was very very not OK. But I sound reasonably middle class, could articulate myself. GP, Health visitor and others vetted me repeatedly for immediate suicide risk and whether my child was at risk. Even when I said I had intrusive thoughts around hurting my child, the only thing they wanted to check was whether I was acting on those. When I finally got access to a mental health services diagnosis, they assessed me as complex, chronic, long term, severe - but after 3 or 4 years the conclusion was nothing we can offer you, unless you are acute and turn up suicidal. I gave up, I will never approach the NHS for anything non physical again. My conclusion was and is there is nothing there unless you want to take increasing amounts and mixtures of pills. They won't admit that, so you are left to figure it out after they dick you around for years.

The thing to take away here is a simple message - you can go through, or you can check out. It's brutal, but that's the truth of it. Going through means day after day just keeping going. Alone, possibly isolated, when you feel like you can't. Until you can. Then one day you will start to feel you can.

Thank you for this, and I’m so sorry you’ve been through a tough time too. The NHS certainly needs some work, especially with mental health services. I don’t think the pandemic, chronic underfunding and being even more overstretched, and then phone appointments instead of f2f are helping, but not sure how good it before, either. It’s really frustrating. Well done for getting through, are things better for you now? I hope so xx

Wuurg, thank you for your message. I typed a long reply then lost it! Agggghhh! I am going to look into a cleaner

@audweb

Go back to your GP - explain you don’t have an active plan but you are googling how to commit suicide, and get them to take you seriously. You are carrying (and managing) to carry so much, but it sounds like you could use extra help, either anti depressants, or therapy to get you through this adjustment to your life.

They should be doing more - I was suicidal with PND and they referred me to the crisis team, and then a CPN and the support I got was enough for me to improve.

Of course lone parenthood is never easy, but it should be easier than it is for you just now. Well done on holding it together, and managing - but you deserve some extra support.

Also never feel guilty about making life easier for yourself - I’m a lone parent with just one and we rely on McDonald’s way too much!!

Thank you! And I’m sorry you struggled too. What is a CPN? I’m going to have to go back, I had decided that was it, I couldn’t cope with another ‘you’re doing so well’ and being sent (another) leaflet about all the lovely things I could do (and have tried) like breathing exercises, that seem to have no effect whatsoever! I was assessed for therapy and rejected! They said they couldn’t meet my needs and referred me back to the GP!

And thank you for making me feel better about McDonald’s, I mentioned it to a parent at school and they said they would never feed it to their kids and I’ve been feeling a bit guilty about it ever since! We will probably have a meal out somewhere once a week once that’s possible, and mix it up a bit, but at the moment, options are limited and it’s just a handy way to get a break one day evening a week!

Sorry if I’ve missed anyone’s posts. I will come back to re-read all of your lovely messages when I am feeling crappy, you’ve all made me feel so much better and less alone, thank you so much!!!

@Amber245

And thank you for making me feel better about McDonald’s, I mentioned it to a parent at school and they said they would never feed it to their kids and I’ve been feeling a bit guilty about it ever since! We will probably have a meal out somewhere once a week once that’s possible, and mix it up a bit, but at the moment, options are limited and it’s just a handy way to get a break one day evening a week!

That person is a wanker! People are so judgy, often I find it's the ones who are most insecure that judge the hardest.

Hi op, I am a lone parent 4 years now, my ex-husband hasn't seen DD at all in nearly 3 years. I can tell you it does get better. You are still very much in the early days, it is completely overwhelming at the start and it's ok to just focus on surviving and getting through the day. It really took 2 years for me to start feeling human and ok again so just breathe and keep going, be kind to yourself it sounds like you have been through a traumatic experience.
I had a constant nagging guilt that I wasn't taking care of my daughter well enough at that time. I think I had in my head that I needed to be perfect. Google - just good enough parenting
It made sense to me.
My life now as a lone parent to a child with special needs is in no way the vision of my life that I had so it has taken some time to come to some acceptance about that.
All the best, you are not alone

Thank you all. @havecourage, thank you, it’s good to know it does get a bit less overwhelming. ‘Good enough’ parenting makes sense—I just need to drop the guilt over not being able to do all the things I could do before, that probably aren’t even necessary anyway!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the odd Macdonalds.

It is a very different thing to choose to be a lone parent compared to having it forced on you.

It is also different if you are are a widow as an example because while you will get odd reactions they will for the most part be based in sympathy.

If you add your dc have been told to suddenly leave your DP by social services then something quite significant of a child protection nature will have been uncovered. People are less sympathetic in those circumstances and it can make it harder to talk to people about your feelings of loss.

Keep pushing for mental health support and consider an alternative therapist.

@lakesidelife thank you. Yes, it was that, and yes, can’t talk to anyone about it (although have confided in some people) for various reasons, which makes it harder.

I’ve sort of given up on the NHS. Lost the mental energy to keep going back! But I know I need to. Ugh it shouldn’t be so hard. Underfunded nhs + pandemic I guess hasn’t helped mental health services etc...

Thank you @Wuurg. I’m probably also massively over sensitive to comments atm (when I didn’t used to be! And they don’t know anything has changed!) so I guess I should cut other people some slack, too. In fact, maybe I should find it weirdly reassuring - they clearly haven’t noticed yet that I’m a total anxious, failing mess these days! Ha!

I couldn't not comment on this thread. OP you sound incredible and you need to cut yourself some slack! You've clearly been through a traumatic time and are effectively grieving for your relationship/the life you had planned or thought you would have. This is totally understandable and you need time to heal. You've also got to contend with your children being unable to have contact with their dad, your emotions must be all over the place!

Your children won't remember the time you spent crying, they will grow up knowing you did everything to keep them safe, happy and settled. And they got a weekly McDonald's too! Could you maybe speak to the kids, especially the older ones and explain that everything is just a bit overwhelming at the min but things will get better. It's ok for them to know you are hurting, and that you're taking steps to improve how you are feeling.

I've been a single parent for 2 years but mine do see their dad so I can't imagine how tough it's been for you. Get as much help in as you can afford, cleaner etc and there's nothing wrong with having a McDonald's to make life easier! The first 6 months or so being single for me was a bit like the new born stage - pure survival, get through each day. Gradually it got better, easier, new routines were formed. You will be ok.

In terms of the GP I'm sorry yours have been shit. Go again, tell them you're not leaving/will ring every single day for an appt until they help you. Just keep going!

Your children are lucky to have you, I wish you all the best!

@Throwitthen thank you, this was such a lovely message! It’s good to know it gets easier, and yes, it is like the newborn stage survival thing all over again! Sometimes this feels like it isn’t survivable! But then other days (like today) go ok, and I need to try and remember these days on the bad days!

I’ve sort of tried to explain to the kids that mummy is finding it hard right now...but that it’s not forever. My middle child is super empathetic so has been really helpful, littlest doesn’t really get it at all, but is a sweetie so I get allll the cuddles, and eldest is hormonal , so that can be a bit more tricky!

It really is like grief. Totally.

Thank you again for the lovely post!

OP is some areas Circles Southeast and in others the NSPCC offer support for non abusing partners.
It is a really difficult situation to be left in.
I'm sure that you are doing a much better job than you think you are.

@lakesidelife thank you, I didn’t know this, I’ll try contacting them. It feels a bit crazy that my kids were given no support and that I’ve been offered no guidance on what to tell them about it, either. They must be wondering what the hell happened and why, although they don’t ask, they just sometimes tell me that they miss daddy and they ask when they can see him again. And I have no idea what I’m meant to tell them. Ugh, I sometimes feel/hope like I might suddenly wake up and realise that this was all just a very bad dream!

Jeez OP. That is an awful lot to be left to deal with.
Support varies a lot around the country for this but if you get lucky you might be in an area with some.

Do your dc have some concept of why DH isn't around? Did anyone check they were ok?

I have huge admiration for women in your situation who step up and make all the right choices.

But you need to be clear that you have been left with a huge amount to crap to wade through and you need support. It is very complex stuff you are managing.

It's amazing how well you're coping considering what you've gone through. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I've been a single parent for 10 years now and I can tell you it does get better.

You've been grappling with a very difficult situation for only a short period of time. How you feel is perfectly normal, and actually healthy. You don't say why your ex is not permitted to see the children, but it goes without saying that Social services will have seen a considerable risk of harm to cease all contact. It strikes me your posts focus on the challenges of single parenthood (which I can only agree are many!!) however I'm wondering if you're getting any help with whatever led to your ex being denied contact with all of you?

The types of situations which led to social services imposing such an embargo for child protection are traumatic by nature and need to be healed from. This take time, self care & support to say the least. If what was uncovered was a shock to you, then no doubt you're still trying to accept it let alone deal with it. All the while you're faced with real life and a lack of framework to navigate the inevitable issues arising. Please go back to social services and ask for support, it's really disappointing (but not surprising) they haven't offered any. Don't sweat the small stuff like food, laundry etc these things don't matter, do whatever you need to do to get through the day.

Macdonalds is a good thing - if you don't feel up to cooking it's much better to take a short cut than try and force yourself as it's this kind of 'little' thing that can easily push you over the edge when you're at you're wits end. I struggled a lot when I became a single Mum and one of my biggest mistakes was expecting too much of myself. I needed to cook home cooked meals ALL the time, my laundry basket had to be empty, my ironing done, homework always completed on time, attend every single school event, work full time etc... took me nearly losing the plot to realize I was focusing on avoiding dealing with the issues my daughter and I had experienced. While you're not a widow, dealing with trauma is much like grief. It happens in stages, and not necessarily a linear progression. It's healthy to make choices that support your recovery - be it MacDonalds or whatever you need to do to get through the day - ignore anyone who tells you otherwise!

Charities are a wonderful source of support, and can be a huge source of information, guidance and comfort. The NSPCC helpline is also very helpful at giving guidance, signposting to services etc. There are many excellent books out there to help you with your children, and can act as a prop to encourage dialogues around how they feel.

It takes time, and being gentle with yourself but it WILL get better x

@lakesidelife @Pinkyxx thank you for these posts.

@lakesidelife, yes my kids were all interviewed by Police Child Protection Officers (very surreal) and they don’t consider them to have come to harm. But no my children have no idea why he has disappeared from their lives. It’s all very weird. Children’s Services are not interested, they would only become involved if I were to start a relationship with him(zero chance), or if I were to let him have the kids (again, not going to happen). They’re quite happy with my parenting and have no concerns about the kids.

@pinkyxx I had been the same about home cooked meals (and actually, cakes, biscuits and bread, too!) and being ‘on top’ of all the housework. I don’t want them to miss out on anything they had before! In fact I’m in process of signing them up for more activities, swimming lessons etc. But I am realising I just can’t do it all, and I have now accepted that beige dinners, custard creams and McDonald’s are going to have to feature heavily in this new life! and I am realising that this is Ok.

I did have counselling, privately, but I found it wasn’t helping me. I was just wallowing! I seem better when constantly busy, enough going on to be stressed and busy but not so much I get overwhelmed. That’s when I seem to be doing ok. As soon as I don’t have stuff to do I just cry, and once I start, I can’t bloody stop!

Thank you for the reassurance that it does get better. When I’m feeling more rational and less stressed (which is usually when the kids are all safely in school and I have time off work!) I can look back and see that things have got better... although at the very start I was in shock and went into ‘organising’ mode. But then went through a really down and dark period. I think things are starting to level out a bit. But I live in constant fear of what will happen in the future (court, media).

Hi OP - I left an emotionally abusive relationship which had started to tipninto being physically violent just over a year ago. My husband and I had been together for 11 years and had been very close and very happy. I dont know what happened or why, but he changed very suddenly and it still makes no sense to me at all.

Social services intervened, as they did for you. They have similarly set no contact for my children and their Dad.

I was very, very confused and wept solidly for about a year. I've been a mess at home, but look reasonably strong to others because I have to be. We have all sorts of services judging us still, because their Dad is still deemed a risk.

I was diagnosed with complex ptsd due to the emotional harm and dealing with the trauma of the very sudden break in our family (no contact at all with no notice, has been like that for 17 months).

Have you looked at the symptoms for cptsd, do any look familiar?

Sending you a huge hug as it is very, very hard to slog through these early days. You'll do it though, because I guess you know that as much as you don't want to be here, your kids won't survive without you. It's a huge pressure, it makes the trauma harder to carry, but it makes you carry it nonetheless. Xx

@Sunsgoingdown thank you so much for your reply, and I’m sorry you have been here too.

Can I ask, how do you even begin to deal with the not knowing and not understanding? That’s what is killing, just not understanding. How can a person just change? Or were they actually hiding a whole side to themselves? Does something trigger a change? Are they still the same person? I cannot get my head around it at all.

I’m glad you for a diagnosis, I looked up cptsd and yes I definitely tick lots of boxes... how did you get a diagnosis? And did having a diagnosis help?

I’m sorry again for what you’ve been through, and I’m sending huge hugs back in your direction. It’s bloody hard, it feels impossible. But you give me hope that it can and will get better with time. Thank you xx