New to this

[Newsinglemum58]

Hi, I'm new to this as marriage ended 18 months ago after a couple of decades together. Have two kids - one secondary, one KS2.

Not met anyone else but ex is seeing someone and has been for a while though he keeps it separate from the kids.

I'm starting to think due to working full time and the way we split our time with the kids due to my job (I currently have to work every Saturday) there just isn't time to even have a relationship if there were options to.
I look at some of the blended families I know of and it looks really full on and often stressful. Perhaps just doing this alone until they leave home is the better and saner choice for them and me though it will be lonely.

Anyway, hi to everyone and hoping to get chatting to some of you more experienced at this than me....

Yeh there is no rush, I’ve been single for 4 years and don’t see myself meeting anyone any time soon if ever!

@Happycat1212 hi, do you find you are content with that or do you find yourself wishing to meet someone? I feel that as time goes on I'm becoming happier with the idea that I might be alone whereas earlier on that felt more daunting. I like having that feeling of autonomy too over my life/finances that I didn't have in my marriage, despite the fact I'm less well off now all the money is mine at least and there's no DH spending it on rubbish!

It's been three years since I separated. Last year I decided it was time to make the time for me. I hide behind the work and kids excuse. But if you really want to do something you will make it happen. Then Covid hit. But I've managed some social distanced walks. My two are 14/9. So can be left for an hour here and there. Play dates for the youngest. And time with their dad I have made it work.

I can’t say I’m happy about it tbh. I’m on my own with them so they are with me all the time so dating just isn’t possible. It does get easier the longer you go are single though!

@unicornsarereal72 that's good. Yeah it's certainly easier as kids that bit older. Have you met anyone nice or has 2020 made it too difficult?

I worry I'll get too used to being alone and then won't want to actually let anyone in to my life if they wanted to!... like you say, there's many excuses not to try when kids and work fill your life.

@Happycat1212

I can’t say I’m happy about it tbh. I’m on my own with them so they are with me all the time so dating just isn’t possible. It does get easier the longer you go are single though!

Yeah that must make it very hard not having the kids with the other parent some of the time.

@Newsinglemum58

I was genuinely content on my own with the kids. I needed time to adjust having been in a relationship of one kind or another for 30 years. As they have got older they have needed me less and I realise I need a relationship for me to grow into. If that makes sense.

Old has to be done with a pinch of salt. Full of odd balls. Just block and move on. I wasn't in it to find ever lasting love just meet people and move on with life. I did meet someone lovely this year and it has slowly progressed only to get ghosted this week 🤷‍♀️. At least I wasn't overly invested. And it hasn't put me off. Just made me realise I'm able to establish new relationship if I really want too.

@unicornsarereal72 yeah that makes total sense. I think there is such a lot to be said for taking that time to not be in a relationship after being a 'we' not an 'I' for so long.

OLD is indeed a minefield and full of strange folk and creepy types/catfish and it really puts me off tbh. I would like to met someone in real life if possible to establish there's an attraction and maybe get to know them organically first. Not always easy though, especially these days!

I'm sorry to hear about the ghoster but it sounds like you've got the exactly right attitude. Sometimes people do us a massive favour but taking themselves out of the equation early doors. On to better things hopefully for you.

It's tough. I left my abusive ex-husband 2.5 years ago and haven't dated at all since, although I have had brief spells on OLD platforms.

I have a 3 year old and I'm not interested in dating casually, as it requires so much time and effort and investment that I would prefer to give to my son. I also REALLY don't want to date another parent, as the though of having a blended family and being a step parent is just too stressful and awkward and weird. I'm also not sure what I could bring to a relationship, being as realistically my son is going to be the centre of my whole world, at least for the next 15+ years. I like having total agency and autonomous control over my life, my home and my finances. Any new bloke would have to just deal with all that (and I guess with the weird/awkwardness of being a step parent), and I can't see that as being particularly appealing for them?

So with that, I guess I'm going to be alone for a really long time :-( Other people do seem to manage to date and remarry really successfully though, so maybe we're overthinking it?

@LentilShanklet hey, thanks for your post. I relate a lot to what you wrote. I feel similar in that I don't know if I have the extra energy to expend on a DP's own kids and the stresses that come along with blending families. I guess each situation is different and depends on the relationship they have to their ex etc and how involved you would even need to get but I imagine it's tricky no matter the dynamics.

That said, alone is still preferable to being in an unhappy relationship/marriage for me which was just soul destroying towards the end. But, it's very possible I'm overthinking things as I excel at that!

I've found that divorced mum friends who've gotten into serious relationships again have 1. Extremely stable careers /wealth 2. Ended up with another divorced dad.

I get the appeal of not having to deal with another guys kids and custody schedules and possibly difficult ex, but I've also found that guys without kids simply don't comprehend your time limitations and needs as a parent. No matter how open they are to it, how mature they are, divorced themselves, they just don't "get it". Generally he gets fed up of your lack of availability and your prioritising another mans children over him, or you get fed up of his lack of empathy and unreasonable demands on your time and energy.

Also, the child-free single guy who is genuinely into YOU as a person and totally accepting of your children and has all his own sh%# together and isn't half your age or twice your age is,honestly, a rare breed.

@Fifinely yes I think that's probably very true! Thanks for your post.

I've given up for the time being, decided to focus on myself and getting me in a better and happy place and trying to be comfortable being on my own first and accept that feeling of aloneness, which sometimes is hard but understandable after coming out of a 20 year relationship and never having been single. Maybe once I have got myself happier and sorted I'll be in the right place to maybe meet someone and to spot red flags early on.... and if I don't? I guess I have the kids, family, friends.... better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship just to not be alone....

18 months is still quite early days. I felt the same as you at that point. It took me 3 years to find a relationship that works for me and it feels so right that it's not hard at all. Theres nothing wrong with staying by yourself til the kids are older either though. I'd try not to give it too much headspace. These things have a habit of taking care of themselves

@omg35 oh that is positive to hear - I'm glad you have found a happy relationship. How did you meet? I guess I just need to chill and see what happens...

I dabbled with old on and off but it was only really recently I felt in a good place for dating and that was three years since ex left.

Old can be brutal. So best to take it with a pinch of salt. Etc.
I was happy to give myself and the kids time to adjust. They are that bit older now so easier to make time for myself.

I’ve been single for eight years now since splitting up the the children’s dad. I love being single, can’t imagine ever being in another relationship. I occasionally have a friends with benefits but only once or twice and then I’m done. I have no interest in making anyone a regular feature.

@SnargaluffPod I can understand that. If you are content and happy why change it?

@unicornsarereal72 yea old is a bit of a nightmare I've found from what I've experienced so far. I'd much rather meet someone the old fashioned route I think if at all possible.

It's a tough one. Meeting people face to face you can quickly get a feel for them etc. If you have those opportunities. I work from home. And do the school run is my social life! So old has its perks that I can do it in my pjs of an evening and not waste my precious free time and money on meeting people I don't have a good feeling about. Not that I have had massive success

In time you will move forward. When you are ready.