Should you stay together for the sake of the children?

[123Penny]

Married 12 years. Husband been sending flirty texts and emails to various women but never been away from home to spend night. Husband non engaging and non intimate with me for past 3 years. Husband cannot accept that this is unacceptable behaviour so I'm done with him. I've told him that. However when we broached topic to children (12 and 10) they were completely and utterly devastated. So much so that I worry my son would do something to harm himself. They beg us every day to be friends and we put on an act in front of them. My friends and family say I need to divorce him now but I want to wait and start getting the children used to the idea that we tried but couldn't fix it. He has also told them if we split then they should blame me. He would try and turn them against me so I'm looking at the 2 year separation on the basis that we've not been a couple for the past 2 years I.e no fault divorce and just gradually educate them that we've grown apart. Anyone help please xxx

It isnt going to get any easier for you or the children. They are not little children. You can talk through their fears etc.
Of course they will be upset. The world as they know it will be torn apart. But a year from now they could be in a happy relaxed home. And know it was the right thing to do.

My youngest adapted to the routine quickly. And after the initial upset coped well. The eldest found it more difficult. This was because of how his dad treated him once we had separate. I kept an open dialog with him. In an appropriate way. He had outside support through school etc. And will tell me regularly that he is happier now than he was with his dad here.

Communication is key. Especially if another adult is saying negative things. Get support in place for you and the children. And start a new chapter for all of you x

Thank you for taking the time to comment. The catalyst for this was that my 12 yo son found messages on husbands phone on Friday to teenage girlfriend telling each other they love each other. When confronted he said he was supporting her through cancer and marriage break up. Up until that life was almost perfect and me and the kids were happiest ever. I have since contacted his first wife who said she found similar flirty message from him to other women. He's never away from home so I don't think he's having a physical affair but I feel like he's having a virtual one. I'm so scared of the impact a divorce will have on kids. On paper he is the most perfect dad and husband. My fear is the harm of divorce will outweigh the benefits and maybe i just keep going until they are older and leave him then. I'm so confused xx

Hi op I'm so sorry for what your going through at the moment this all seems so raw to you. You haven't mentioned weather you are going to try counselling? Even if your husband refuses to go it will be fantastic for you to try and make sense of all this.

I was about that age when my parents talked about splitting..
They didn't but my god I wish they had they were miserable together the environment was horrible growing up and It caused sooo many issues growing up for me that I still carry today. When they told us they were spliting up at the time I didn't want them to I didn't want the world I knew to change it was only as I got older I realised that the grass wouldve been greener if they'd decided to split. By staying together they were miserable and in turn we were miserable. You need to decide if you can provide a happy environment if you stay? If not then you need to leave not just for you but for the kids in the long run.

No do not stay together just for the children.

You would be signing up to at least another 8 years of living with a lying, disrespectful (at best) / cheating (worse) man.

Non engaging and not intimate fir 3 years? Do not sign up fir another 8 years, at least.

This is what you will be modelling to your children. That men treat their wives like shit and women put up with it. This is what your children will grow up to accept is normal.

Presumably your son is upset as he found the messages and willl feel he is to blame f for any fall out. He is not, that responsibility lies at his lying father's feet.

Kids are frightened of change. But don't kid yourself that by staying with him their life is going to be rosy. They will pick up on your stresses, tensions and will not thank you for it in later years.

I think the issue is you broached the subject with them, which makes them feel uncertain. Telling them you had split with a clear message on what life will be like now (eg where they will live, the new routine) would be clearer for them. Of course they will still be upset, but there would be certainty. At the moment they think they can influence the decision. Maybe the indecision is what they are struggling with?

If you want your children to have the idea that being married is miserable and it's okay to treat your spouse like shit, have no trust and treat women badly. Then yes stay married.
I know they will be upset, but in the long run, will realise that it's not okay to act the way your husband has, and that happy parents apart is much better for everyone than miserable married parents.

Staying together for the children is ok when it is just hard work because the kids are at a tricky stage, and you are too tired to shag every night, or it's a bit boring watching 20 episodes of Peppa pig on repeat...

Entirely different in cases of abuse, affairs, cheating etc.