Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My ex is controlling my PS4

55 replies

Bluemaid3 · 30/01/2021 21:55

Hi, I have a problem with my narcissistic ex. We divorced over 3 years ago, but share care of our son 50/50 by court order. I bought a PS4 for my son's latest birthday. He had to go to his dad the day after for at least a week, so we didn't have time to set it up. I agreed for him to take it to his dad's and have some playtime there instead of waiting. So his dad set it up and bought some games with the gift cards I bought. Since then, the device has been in my house. Fast forward 6 months, and he is trying to use the PS4 to reward or punish our son depending on how he is doing with home-schooling, and control me as well I feel. He has set the parental controls on the PS4 without consulting me (!) to certain hours of the day, so that he csn reduce them if son doesn't complete work at his place. This obviously has an effect on my day. I asked him to give up the controls and give them to my account instead, he refused, or set up a shared email with an account, that we both can access, he refused. He has changed the hours a bit when I asked, so they don't impact our weekend, but I don't like the idea of him controlling a device that I bought and that is only used in my household. To make things worse, we tried deleting his account to see if we could get rid of the restrictions, however, this removed my son's favourite game, which was bought by my ex with my gift cards after the birthday. To get it back, we need his password to reinstall his account, but he is pretending to be too dumb to get his password changed (he can't remember it) and is keeping us waiting until Monday when he is 'going to call Sony' as if that helped! I seriously don't know whether he is this dumb or whether he is just trying to annoy me. In any case, I feel seriously uncomfortable about all this. I don't want him controlling me again, it was hard enough to get out of the marriage and I thought I was safe now!

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 31/01/2021 12:54

Definitely think you should contact sony. They may be able to change it to your email dunce you have the reciepts. Its worth trying

ShalomToYouJackie · 31/01/2021 13:05

Careful about contacting Sony, if the account is in your exes email they could email a transcript of the chat to him or reply to his email address.

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 13:11

I think I had to try contacting manufacturer at one point: computer says "No".....

Beamur · 31/01/2021 13:18

Really unfair to put your DS in the middle of this.
I would simply stop engaging with your ex about this and no longer allow the PS4 to leave your house. Once he's no longer getting a rise out of you the chances are that he'll find less sport in baiting you. Plus he'll have to deal with your son being unhappy about not playing on his PS4 when at Dads.

Chalkcheese · 31/01/2021 13:24

You are no longer with your ex and need to stop pandering to his requests. If you think he could turn violent I would speak to domestic violence services and put steps in place to protect yourself and your child. But it is not always possible to coparent like this, not with controlling abusive arseholes who use any way they can to control, manipulate and emotionally abuse you.

Minikievs · 31/01/2021 13:25

@JanuaryChill

People asking the OP why she's worrying about how her ex will respond have probably never tried to coparent with a controlling partner.

Very very difficult.

This. I get it.

I'm guessing it's Fortnite and your son has purchased add ons etc and has also worked his way up to a certain level and so will be upset to go back to the start.

Depending on his age I would possibly be honest about why it's necessary to reset. If he plays on it quite a lot he'll be good enough to work his way back up the levels fairly quickly. Although I understand he'll be upset at this, my son would be too.

Please don't allow this man to control you in your own home. Because that's absolutely what he's trying to do. I have had the exact same message from my ex previously, about him being reasonable if I "cooperate". Wanker.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 31/01/2021 15:07

Thanks everybody. Yes, my ex set it all up with his email. I do have my own account on it through which I bought all the add-ons, so we would still have access to those if I buy the game itself again. We might not really have to do factory reset, just use my account and my son's spare account and delete the controlled one? Although there is a 'deactivate device' option online that he could use if he wanted to annoy us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 31/01/2021 15:20

My son is 12 and has worked his way through the game (not Fortnite) quite far, but he seems to understand starting over may be the only solution. My ex might well make me sound like an awful non-cooperative parent to everyone in school or worse. I have now sent him an email asking him to do 3 small things by the end of today so we can get the game back and I'll have parental control. If he won't do that, I'll reset.

OP posts:

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 15:51

Well done. I had to learn to accept that he could say what he liked about me, and (foolish, naive) people could even believe. Anyone who mattered would see the truth or at least suspend judgement until checking with me. Official or unofficial people.

Aalvarino · 31/01/2021 17:14

Yes, school aren't daft and legally they can't just choose to communicate with your ex over you. I really wouldn't worry about what they think.

If it comes to it, and he makes things difficult for you with school, you can tell them quite plainly that you are not on good terms, and to please make sure to contact you both separately, for reasons connected to coercive control.

OhioOhioOhio · 31/01/2021 17:26

I have an evil narc ex h. Ywbu to think that you could reason with him at all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/01/2021 17:30

At least you can co sole yourself with the knowledge he's done a grand job of showing your son that he's a dick.

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 17:46

@OhioOhioOhio

I have an evil narc ex h. Ywbu to think that you could reason with him at all.

I hear you!

OhioOhioOhio · 31/01/2021 19:38

JanuaryChill

It's so shit isn't it?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/01/2021 19:48

Woah don't reset!

You said you have another account on there - your DS should be able to use that account and have access to the games on the device. Only thing is he'll lose where he is in the game and start from scratch BUT he'll still have the games/not lose £200 worth of games.

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 20:16

My DS would be aghast at losing wins etc but prob only until he discovered the fun of moving up the ranks really quickly?

CircleofWillis · 31/01/2021 22:28

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Woah don't reset!

However the ex will still have the ability to 'deactivate device'. I wouldn't want a controlling ex to have his finger on the red button at all times.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 01/02/2021 10:35

Actually just found that deactivating means that he will just remove himself, nothing happens to the device itself. So that's less hassle for me than reset. I think we'll just delete the controlled account and buy a new game.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 01/02/2021 10:38

Good plan. I can’t see any other way out of it. As far as the incentive plan ‘he and school’ have come up with say politely ‘I’m sure if the teacher thought it important they would have told me, they know he works better with me sitting there with him anyway.’ And change topic.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 01/02/2021 14:14

Ha, he has just delighted in telling me that Sony says it's not possible to do a factory reset without his password (because his is the main account) and the security is so robust, and that we can't have deleted his account on the device without the password either (hinting I'm lying to him)! Well, we did, another example of how he doesn't believe anything I say. I probably need to call Sony myself. This was followed by the 'co-operating' message again 🙄, as a reply to an email where I said I CAN co-operate, IF he does 1/2/3, just ignoring what I was asking again. Anyway, I'm going to ignore it, I don't think he can do much. He doesn't seem to realise that we can continue using it without his controls, even though I said that.

OP posts:

Clymene · 01/02/2021 15:58

What an absolute knobjockey. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 01/02/2021 17:05

I've called Sony now and neither of those things is even true. So either he is lying or misunderstood what they were saying.

OP posts:

PurpleRainDancer · 01/02/2021 17:09

@Weenurse

You need to try to stop being afraid of what response ex might have, and just do what is right for your household. Reset to factory settings. Suck up the loss and explain why to your son. When ex starts to bluster, just respond with ‘that didn’t work for me’ When ex blusters and you give in, his bullying is winning. You don’t want your DC to learn to give into bullying, just because standing up for yourself is uncomfortable.

Wise advice. If you are physically in fear of him contact the Police.

JanuaryChill · 01/02/2021 17:15

@Bluemaid3 the answer is almost always "he's lying"!

CakeWarrior · 01/02/2021 18:09

Hang on.. if YOU purchased it, then it stays at your house. Its a shame DS wont have it on the occasions he visits, but thats life. My ex was abusive and a massive narcissist. I have purchased my son a nintendo switch and ipad - heck if he gets to take them there when he visits! My son has never asked to take them, and if he did my ex would " keep hold" of things so thats why they will never leave my house. Its up to ex to provide things in his home. End of. If he is so adamant he can get a cheap second hand one from marketplace and son have 2 accounts. That is the easiest solution to the "sony" problem. And a delightful reaction to see when you point out its YOUR playstation and if he wishes to control one.. he can control his own.

Flip

1 2 3