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Lone parents

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Original poster

My ex is controlling my PS4

55 replies

Bluemaid3 · 30/01/2021 21:55

Hi, I have a problem with my narcissistic ex. We divorced over 3 years ago, but share care of our son 50/50 by court order. I bought a PS4 for my son's latest birthday. He had to go to his dad the day after for at least a week, so we didn't have time to set it up. I agreed for him to take it to his dad's and have some playtime there instead of waiting. So his dad set it up and bought some games with the gift cards I bought. Since then, the device has been in my house. Fast forward 6 months, and he is trying to use the PS4 to reward or punish our son depending on how he is doing with home-schooling, and control me as well I feel. He has set the parental controls on the PS4 without consulting me (!) to certain hours of the day, so that he csn reduce them if son doesn't complete work at his place. This obviously has an effect on my day. I asked him to give up the controls and give them to my account instead, he refused, or set up a shared email with an account, that we both can access, he refused. He has changed the hours a bit when I asked, so they don't impact our weekend, but I don't like the idea of him controlling a device that I bought and that is only used in my household. To make things worse, we tried deleting his account to see if we could get rid of the restrictions, however, this removed my son's favourite game, which was bought by my ex with my gift cards after the birthday. To get it back, we need his password to reinstall his account, but he is pretending to be too dumb to get his password changed (he can't remember it) and is keeping us waiting until Monday when he is 'going to call Sony' as if that helped! I seriously don't know whether he is this dumb or whether he is just trying to annoy me. In any case, I feel seriously uncomfortable about all this. I don't want him controlling me again, it was hard enough to get out of the marriage and I thought I was safe now!

OP posts:

CakeWarrior · 30/01/2021 22:04

Just restore it fo factory settings. The sony website shows you how to do that. Then re set it up with a whole new username and email login and dont give the info to your ex. For the sake of regaining some control i would purchase the game itself ( no giftcards or download purchase). No you shouldnt have too - but it is what i would do, it is the exact sort of thing my ex would do. It all boils down to him keeping his "control" of you both.

JanuaryChill · 30/01/2021 22:44

Yes I've had similar things. But worse when tech goes between the houses and you can't faff around changing the parental controls every few days.

I'd say be careful. With hindsight there's things I didn't challenge which I should have done as they set the tone for the children's relationship with devices which has led to massive problems as they got older.

ShalomToYouJackie · 30/01/2021 22:48

What an arsehole. I'd reset it back to factory settings so it's like new then set up a new account and don't share any info with ex or let your DS take the PS4 to his house.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 30/01/2021 23:13

Thanks, I don't really want DS to lose his game and all the progress points and the add-ons that have been bought since (£200+ although I bought most of them) so can't really do a factory re-set. I thought we could just remove him but obviously it's not working. My ex also wrote an email saying he won't communicate with me unless I want to 'co-operate' (=do what he says, he won't listen to my point of view) with him over the parental controls, and that he only wants to talk with our son, which doesn't help. Can he just do this, or could I call the police or something?

OP posts:

indemMUND · 30/01/2021 23:20

The police won't help with this. You're best resetting it and starting fresh although that will mean the loss of things. At this point you're unlikely to get them back anyway.

Clymene · 30/01/2021 23:22

The loss of £200 will sting but it's a hell of a lot less painful than letting your ex control you and your son in your own home.

Reset it. You'll feel a lot better.

ShalomToYouJackie · 30/01/2021 23:29

The police won't be interested in your ex controlling your sons PS4.

You can either factory reset it or carry on being controlled by him. I would reset it.

Original poster

Bluemaid3 · 31/01/2021 00:28

Right, thanks all for your replies. I'm a bit worried about what my ex's reaction would be if I did a factory reset. He would see it as me trying to sabotage his efforts to make our son concentrate more on his school work (apparently he consulted 'experts' and the school to come up with the idea that I have to co-operate with). Funny DS gets usually more done here than there, could be because I actually sit with him to do the work unlike his dad... Anyway it's odd that all the punishments would happen during my time with DS rather than when he failed to do the work with his dad. And if sometimes he wouldn't do something with me, I wouldn't be able to use the same system to reduce playtime without contacting my ex (who's just told me not to contact him)? Anyway, my ex would see it as me not wanting to co-operate on the parenting (he's obsessed with us both doing the same thing and appearing 'together' for our son) and he might turn quite nasty.

OP posts:

PeggyHill · 31/01/2021 00:34

You absolutely need to restore to factory settings and cut your losses. It's totally unfair but you can't have him controlling stuff like this. If you can afford it then you could buy his favourite game again and he will just have to start again. If he's upset just explain that his dad is the cause.

He sounds really fucking sad. No wonder you left him.

Weenurse · 31/01/2021 00:36

You need to try to stop being afraid of what response ex might have, and just do what is right for your household.
Reset to factory settings. Suck up the loss and explain why to your son.
When ex starts to bluster, just respond with ‘that didn’t work for me’
When ex blusters and you give in, his bullying is winning. You don’t want your DC to learn to give into bullying, just because standing up for yourself is uncomfortable.

Hawkins001 · 31/01/2021 00:49

I have a little bit of knowledge, if you wipe the account or factory reset or add a new user account, yes it will give you control back however it will wipe any achievements and add-ons brought unfortunately,

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/01/2021 08:29

He is using these 'punishments' to control your life. The message your son is getting is that your Ex controls both households.
With separated parents the consequences should always happen in the household where the offence took place.
Factory reset and advise him that he wishes your son to have consequences for incidents that occurred there they need to happen there for them to be effective. You will be responsible for discipline in your own home. Your son will initially be upset, but it will be forgotten quickly.

unicornsarereal72 · 31/01/2021 09:22

You need to take control of the situation. I was in a similar situation. Over and iPad which had been set for 4 hours a day only. During in lockdown when I was working. What else were the children meant to do to entertain themselves.

Fortunately mine had a fault so was replaced and I set up the new one.

Ex didn't like it. And made a fuss. And in normal time 4 hours on the iPad is plenty. But he does get to dictate how you parent and what happens in your house.

Don't engage with him over if. Just say that didn't work for me. He will make a fuss. But that is because you are standing your ground. It is noise and hot air. In time you see it for what it is. A tantrum. Ignore like you would a child. And show your son you won't be bullied.

Tell him that you will speak to school about any concerns they have. You don't need him to liaise for you.

Rest the play station. And consider it a small price to pay to show ex you are t going to be dictated too.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 31/01/2021 09:42

Call Sony my arse... they email you your password reset key like anyone else.

How old is your son by the way?

wendyleen · 31/01/2021 09:56

Why are you worrying about his reaction? It's clear he isn't worried about how you feel.

What a strange man.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/01/2021 10:02

Reset the factory settings. Dont send expensive stuff between houses. Tell your Ex it's up to you to decide discipline in your own home. If he wants to control a device he needs to buy one for his house.

Apologise to your DS for sending the PS in the first place. Lesson learned for both of you.

Then ignore any kick off. "Its up to you to decide discipline in your own home, me in mine." On repeat. Cut and paste.

Trisolaris · 31/01/2021 10:06

He’s got you where he wants you.

Controlled, afraid of upsetting him. Again.

Pp are right. Do a factory reset and teach your son that you won’t be bullied.

BejeweledCrocs · 31/01/2021 10:09

Could it be that he uses the same password for loads of stuff so doesnt want you to know it?

Anyway he is being a dick. Console access can be a great motivator but it shouldn't apply to your time with son.

Ultimately your son is the one who will lose out if you delete the game or refuse to let the ps4 travel between houses. Is there no compromise to jointly agree when and how restrictions apply?

FabulousIAm · 31/01/2021 10:26

Contact PS4 - Im sure if you have proof of purchase they can help you gain access to the info you need. www.playstation.com/en-gb/support/contact-us/

Aalvarino · 31/01/2021 10:37

Yes definitely contact Sony and explain. You really shouldnt have to lose access to things you have proof of purchase for. Presumably the add-ons weren't all bought via vouchers?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 31/01/2021 10:42

You should be able to access automatically through his PS username, I would speak to Sony yourself and do not let your son take it to his dads again, it does not matter if he bought it, it stays at home from now on.

LastStarFighter · 31/01/2021 10:55

Unfortunately I doubt Sony will be able to do anything for you, because presumably you ex set everything up using his email address.

I agree with PPs, reset it, star from fresh, and cut your losses.

And contact the school yourself to agree any plan of action needed for you DS rather than you ex relaying the information.

He is definitely still trying to control you, both with the PS4 and with comments about the school.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 10:59

Cut your losses.

He’s controlling you and your son. Surely £200 is a price well paid?

Depending on the age of your son he will understand that this is poor behaviour on the part of his dad.

UnusuallyUsual · 31/01/2021 11:07

I would also contact Sony, and if you couldn't swap to your email address use your ex's but change the password.

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 12:42

People asking the OP why she's worrying about how her ex will respond have probably never tried to coparent with a controlling partner.

Very very difficult.

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