Exh being very strange

[QuestionableDanceMoves]

Exh was abusive, social services stopped him seeing the kids after we split. He took to me court for access, took 2 years to finally reach an agreement. He lasted a month before then cutting all contact off with the kids.
This was towards the end of 2019. Throughout the last year he’s popped up every now and again at the kids hobbies, claims he’s interested in having a relationship but won’t take it back to court, he says I should do that. Sent messages when we first locked down saying the kids could go and live with him if I had to keep working- even though he had had no contact for months at that point and lived with a woman they haven’t met.
He ignored their birthdays and Christmas.
He is now asking for daily updates about homeschooling. I wake up every morning to a message saying the same thing as the day before, that he’s willing to help and can’t wait to hear all about their day. Then in the evening I get a barrage of questions about what they’ve done.
He didn’t do this in the first lockdown, he asked nothing about how they were or what they were learning.
On the surface of it, there’s nothing wrong with him taking an interest but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Over Christmas he criticised what gifts they had received despite sending none himself and made wild accusations about not being our sons father.
I’m always aware he may take the matter back to court one day and don’t want him to have evidence of trying to be involved and me ignoring him so I reply to the messages but it feels so intrusive.
How do I handle this?

Well done!! Keep it up, we've got your back.

Well done Op...

Yes expect a mixture if responses. He isn't interested in the children. This is about controlling you. You cannot satisfy him any information you give him he will simply twist.

I do think it is worth a call to yoyr solicitor to see there recommended next steps.

If he starts bombarding you with texts this us harrassment.. if police arent taking it seriousky , ask to speak to someone dealing with domestic abuse.

Now is a good time as groups not happening and people not going out

How dare you OP!

Good for you
Have a laugh to yourself thinking about how this act of defiance on your part will have consumed him

OMG he will be incandescent with rage!!

Sure he can take it back to court and hopefully the judge and CAFCASS will not give him the time of day for his utter ridiculousness.

Two messages today- one this morning asking if the children were doing anything interesting with their Saturday, one this evening asking what they’ve done today.
I responded saying that the children have said they don’t wish to communicate with him and if he wants to force them to have contact with him then he should take it back to court.
He responded that he’s not forcing anything, he’s just asking me how they are and he will ask again tomorrow.
Thing is, he hasn’t actually asked how they are, not once.

I woukd reply usual weekend activities. He won't know what they are.

Or if they want me to forward updates O shall but till then you will not be providing daily updates..

However:

I genuinely think his words are calculated.. i would not say another word without legal advice. He doesn't actually care about the kids this is about controlling you

Contact a domestic abuse organisation- literally google it with the area you live in.

Explain what is going on and what has happened in the past.

They will support you and you can also get legal aid if there has been abuse, especially strangling in the past x

I appreciate that @Jouleigh. I’ve had lots of assistance in the past from women’s aid and I did used to qualify for legal aid but I am now over the income threshold unfortunately.
In all honesty that is driving my hesitance around contacting my old solicitor- i can’t afford his services anymore.

Just going to have to hope exh gets bored

Sorry to keep going on but I’ve blocked him today.
The messages, though not many at just 2 a day, made me feel so uncomfortable because I found them intrusive.
My copy and paste message each evening wasn’t cutting it, I sent him the kids timetables for this week saying to contact their schools for more detail, saying that unless there was an emergency or the kids changed their minds about wanting to talk to him there would be no more contact on my part- until next Sunday when their following weeks timetable would be sent to him.
He still contacted me this morning. So I blocked him.
He has emailed me this evening. I will ignore the email. I know from court that I have to leave one avenue of contact open to him so I won’t block him on email but that is much easier to ignore than texts are.
It’s quite liberating that he can’t gain immediate access to us.

Well done op..

It is hard but liberating..

You have given clear information...He isn't listening because he doesn't care about the kids a- its about you.

It feels impossible to comprehend ,but this is abusive men.

Well done KOKO

It would be worth getting further help. He is unlike to stop if he can cause you anxiety and control what you do.

e-mail sounds like a really good idea. I suggest that you tell him you will check this at a particular time each week and only do that. Daily updates are not required.

Well done OP - you have been amazingly strong all this time.

I’ve explore whether he can be cautioned for harassment at this point
You are not breaching a CAO by not responding to his control freak texts

He needs a kick up the arse

@Cleverpolly3 would the police actually do that though?
Does it not just look like a dad trying to be interested in his children? It’s only been 2-3 messages a day. Feel like they’d think I was overreacting.
Obviously I know my feelings are because of all that’s come before from him, I know he’s not actually interested in the kids, not sure anyone else would see it that way though

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought I’d update. Ive left exh blocked to this day, only unblocking on a Friday evening to send the next weeks school timetables through and a brief “kids have had a good week, don’t want to talk to you, take it back to court and contact schools for more education insight”
Obviously with the kids going back to school next week I don’t need to send him anything anymore- woohoo!
However, the last couple of weeks on a Friday he’s emailed me talking about how he’s looking forward to watching the kids at their hobbies when they restart at the end of the month.
I shouldn’t have but I did reply just reiterating that the kids don’t want contact, he’s not to come to the hobbies and he’s to go back to court for contact.
His response to that this week was that if I want to stop him then I need to do something about it and he has now told me how it will be going forward. So on Saturday I rang the police.
I just wanted to see if it all would amount to harassment- him saying he’s going to show up twice a week at a place he knows we will be and he knows he’s not welcome- they said it was more of a civil matter but because I said it was making me feel anxious they created a domestic incident and sent officers to my house who spoke to me and my son.
They then said they’d speak to ex and tell him to stay away or go back to court, that it was an official warning against continuing this behaviour and that they’d told me to ring 999 should he show up at the hobbies. They said they’d let me know once they’d spoken to him.
I hadn’t heard back so I rang 101 just to see if they’d been able to get hold of him- he lives in a different county so they were going to phone him rather than hand it over to the other county police. The woman I spoke to couldn’t tell me much because of data protection and because the officers dealing with it are now on rest days until Friday- what she did say was that it was ongoing and there had been a lot of back and forth.
So now my brain is in overdrive worrying about what he’s said to them to mean it wasn’t just a “Oi stop it or go back to court” end of matter conversation and why there’s any need for back and forth. I know I’ve done nothing wrong for him to accuse me of anything but he’s a prolific liar
All I wanted was for him to stop or get it sorted properly- I can’t get a non molestation order as he hasn’t threatened me, found that out yesterday. I just want our weekends to be enjoyable, for the kids to be able to do their sports without worrying if he’s going to show up, what’s he going to do etc
It really casts a shadow over our lives but it’s starting to seem we are expected to live this way.
My solicitor says no point in me taking him back to court, he won’t stick to an order anyway and runs the risk of having to force the kids to have contact again.
Feel very stuck

Oh gosh - sorry, wrong thread!

Hugs that sounds horrible for you!

Have you managed to speak to the relevant police officers yet?

He’s using the children and their hobbies / schooling as a hook and an in. He’s trying to use it to control and chastise you. I wouldn’t engage with him about it, there’s a vibe that he wants you to jump and ask how high? Maybe an email a month or info from school is the most l would do. If he wants to go to court then let him get on with it

How the police and the courts can't deal with this kind of man is beyond me. So if someone strangles you then they can't take it to court unless there are adult witnesses? Who the hell strangles someone in front of other adults? That's outrageous.

@RandomMess no, not yet. I’m actually getting pretty pissed off about it. I got a call from their sergeant on Tuesday who told me they would email me with the update, still no email. Tomorrow is 2 weeks since I reported him and I still don’t know if they’ve actually managed to speak to him yet- I’ve rung 101 every few days to try and find out.
I’ll ring again tomorrow, all I want confirming is that he’s been told to leave us alone and to stop showing up at places when he knows we are there.

@HollowTalk I appealed the decision not to charge him but the CPS were having none of it- I even pointed out that there were witnesses who hadn’t been questioned on what they say, just not adult ones. Made not an ounce of difference because he denied doing it

It’s like everything he does just isn’t quite bad enough to warrant anyone helping me.

Arghhhhhhhhh