Exh being very strange

[QuestionableDanceMoves]

Exh was abusive, social services stopped him seeing the kids after we split. He took to me court for access, took 2 years to finally reach an agreement. He lasted a month before then cutting all contact off with the kids.
This was towards the end of 2019. Throughout the last year he’s popped up every now and again at the kids hobbies, claims he’s interested in having a relationship but won’t take it back to court, he says I should do that. Sent messages when we first locked down saying the kids could go and live with him if I had to keep working- even though he had had no contact for months at that point and lived with a woman they haven’t met.
He ignored their birthdays and Christmas.
He is now asking for daily updates about homeschooling. I wake up every morning to a message saying the same thing as the day before, that he’s willing to help and can’t wait to hear all about their day. Then in the evening I get a barrage of questions about what they’ve done.
He didn’t do this in the first lockdown, he asked nothing about how they were or what they were learning.
On the surface of it, there’s nothing wrong with him taking an interest but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Over Christmas he criticised what gifts they had received despite sending none himself and made wild accusations about not being our sons father.
I’m always aware he may take the matter back to court one day and don’t want him to have evidence of trying to be involved and me ignoring him so I reply to the messages but it feels so intrusive.
How do I handle this?

www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm#:~:text=If%20your%20ex%2Dpartner%20approaches,be%20an%20offence%20of%20harassment.

@Theunamedcat that link is really helpful. Thank you. Seems I’ve been given incorrect information.

Agree with others. One text - 'If you want to know what the children are doing please ask school as they are responsible for providing teaching. Do not contact me again regarding this.'

Or ignore. You're letting yourself be bullied again.

What contact does he have?
Was he stopped from the seeing the kids because he hurt you or them?

Why are you putting up with this shit?
There is no CAO in the land that would give him leverage to hound you and berate you doorstep you this way.
He is harassing you
You are not a conduit to his children, their schooling, their lives. He either uses his contact or buggers off. If this carries on you report him for harassment
If he hasn’t bothered with contact perhaps apply to vary the order as clearly it’s merely a vehicle to punish you and therefore not in either child’s best interests

Even when he strangled me so hard I had a hand print bruise on my neck, they arrested him, he denied doing it and they didn’t charge him because there were no other adult witnesses even though both DC had seen him do it

Oh my gosh, that happened to me too! I thought it was just me and maybe they’d thought I probably was annoying enough to have deserved it.

I'm sorry to say, he sounds a bit unhinged, so best to secure your space. I'm sorry if I'm overreacting.

I'd get a second number. You don't even need another phone, just a spare SIM. You don't need to be accessible 24/7. I'd put the second sim in the phone once or twice a week, text him if you need to, then out your usual SIM back in and get on with your life. Or you could use an old /cheap / spare phone just for him. Then you won't be worrying all the time that he might call.

Strangulation is really bad as it's an indicator for worse things. It's pretty far along the pattern of escalation for domestic violence.

The police know this now (or should do) & really should have been more helpful.

You just need to change your number or block him. When he shows up, ignore him or leave. There is no way I would be responding to someone who doesn’t even bother with his kids and it’s even better he won’t take you to court, that means it’s up to you to parent as you see fit!

@Cleverpolly3 he has no contact. He last spoke to DD in May last year and DS in October last year after he showed up at DSs hobby and DS told him to stay away and stay out of his life.
He last saw DD in November 2019.

He was stopped from seeing them because of the physical assault on me, by him, in front of them after we had separated. The subsequent investigation by social services brought to light the years of emotional, psychological and financial abuse that had been going on during our marriage. He had threatened to kill us all a number of times supposedly because of his depression, I obviously realise now it was a means of control.

I don’t know why I’m putting up with it, it’s making me anxious and I hate that he still has an effect on me. I just don’t see a way out of it without it all blowing up again. It’s been so many years of anguish already.

I’ve been telling him since January last year to take it back to court if he wants contact to resume, he broke the order by stopping contact and I strongly believe he cannot just drop in and out of the DCs lives as he chooses. If they wanted contact my stance would be different, I wouldn’t be thrilled but I would support their wishes. They don’t want contact so I’m supporting that.
I don’t really want to go back to court in case the judge orders me to make the children see him again against their wishes- I know DS would be listened to but DD wouldn’t as she’s only 7. When she was having contact in 2019 her school got very concerned about her level of anxiety on the days she saw him, she was very unsettled all day, the headteacher even read to her a few times to calm her down. The headteacher rang me at work and made me aware of that. I don’t want her to be made to feel like that again.

I’ve tried having a different number before, he would show up at my house if I hadn’t replied within 24 hours because he was “worried” for the children’s safety.

After the assault where he strangled me the police were helpful, they arrested him quickly but the CPS wouldn’t allow charges because of the lack of adult witnesses. The police told me not to let him back to the house which I obviously did but that didn’t stop him coming and sitting in the road in his car or from showing up at public places he knew we’d be at.
The police have spoken to him a number of times about his behaviour but he doesn’t care, he’s not doing anything they could charge him with so he just continues.
I had thought when he remarried and moved away that that would be it and it was all quiet for a good few months. He’s ramping it up again now so he’s either planning on going back to court or his personal life isn’t as happy as he claims

This is all show for the new wife.

He needs to blame you that he doesn't see them so this fuss helps him make up his story to her.

You absolutely need to re set your boundaries. Block his phone. Give him a new email address and block the old one.

Check the emails once a week.

He will not take you back to court. I have difficult ex problems, very different to yours but my legal (and police and women's aid) advice is always block and ignore. My lawyer point blank told me not to go to court to try to stop access because I was giving ex an open door to try to get access. So do not go back to court. I sent my lawyer letter to school and I regularly remind DD secondary school to read it ! School just want a tick box in court order but life is not that simple.

Lawyer also told me that should ex try court (and the inevitable cafcass) to ask the cafcass person how do they think I should solve this issue (this is in reference to violence so this has similarities to you) because I'm just trying to protect the children and would gladly welcome their advice.

Two years in and so far ex has no gone to court. If he did, he would have to serve me papers and he doesn't know where I live. This is why my children are at risk. He does know where the eldest is at school.

You are the only person. That can protect them. Act on your instincts and shut him down.

I don’t think court is going to look back on you for not responding. If someone was violent to you then you can’t be forced to have contact with them even if you do have children with them. Just block him.

@QuestionableDanceMoves

“I’ve been telling him since January last year to take it back to court if he wants contact to resume, he broke the order by stopping contact”

He sounds dreadful and you should definitely block him this is not any sort of behaviour a court would expect you to put up with

I’m a bit confused still though about whether he has an order allowing contact, albeit contact he stopped bothering with? The reason I ask is that you can’t make someone have contact but it doesn’t negate their right to it as screwed up as that sounds

@Cleverpolly3 he does have an order for contact. It was supposed to be
Once a month alone with DS going to watch their football team play- immediately after court he started saying he wouldn’t be able to afford once a month and therefore it should just be as and when he could afford it.

Obviously March lockdown put a stop to going to football matches- not that he had taken DS to any in the 6 month prior.

For DD contact was to be after school twice a week until 6:30 and then every other Saturday afternoon. These contacts were agreed to be him and her only apart from 2 set dates where his partner could be there also.
This was the plan for until he moved- he announced at the final hearing that he was intending to move an hour away but had no date for moving at that time.
Once he had moved the plan was for the midweek contact to stop, the alternate Saturday afternoons to continue for a minimum of 3 months with a view to that becoming overnight if DD was comfortable.

He text me one Saturday announcing he had moved with immediate effect and would no longer be having midweek contact- despite still working locally and being under tenancy at his flat for at least another month, although he indicated it was for a further 3 months.
I then suggested that midweek contact didn’t stop so suddenly and he continue with it but he wouldn’t discuss the matter with me at all. A few days later he text me saying he would no longer have contact with either child until they were old enough to make up their own minds.

We then heard nothing from him for a few months until he started showing up at the hobbies.

The kids don’t want contact with him so I’m not going to force it after all this time despite there being an order saying he can have contact. So I guess I am the one now breaking the order.
He expects overnight contact immediately despite admitting he has nowhere for them to sleep and more importantly having had no direct contact for over a year.

[quote QuestionableDanceMoves]@Cleverpolly3 he does have an order for contact. It was supposed to be
Once a month alone with DS going to watch their football team play- immediately after court he started saying he wouldn’t be able to afford once a month and therefore it should just be as and when he could afford it.

Obviously March lockdown put a stop to going to football matches- not that he had taken DS to any in the 6 month prior.

For DD contact was to be after school twice a week until 6:30 and then every other Saturday afternoon. These contacts were agreed to be him and her only apart from 2 set dates where his partner could be there also.
This was the plan for until he moved- he announced at the final hearing that he was intending to move an hour away but had no date for moving at that time.
Once he had moved the plan was for the midweek contact to stop, the alternate Saturday afternoons to continue for a minimum of 3 months with a view to that becoming overnight if DD was comfortable.

He text me one Saturday announcing he had moved with immediate effect and would no longer be having midweek contact- despite still working locally and being under tenancy at his flat for at least another month, although he indicated it was for a further 3 months.
I then suggested that midweek contact didn’t stop so suddenly and he continue with it but he wouldn’t discuss the matter with me at all. A few days later he text me saying he would no longer have contact with either child until they were old enough to make up their own minds.

We then heard nothing from him for a few months until he started showing up at the hobbies.

The kids don’t want contact with him so I’m not going to force it after all this time despite there being an order saying he can have contact. So I guess I am the one now breaking the order.
He expects overnight contact immediately despite admitting he has nowhere for them to sleep and more importantly having had no direct contact for over a year.[/quote]
That a lot of detail is it all in the Order?

Contact with DS once a month watching their football team or in line with DS wishes

DD 2 nights midweek after school and every other Saturday afternoon until he moved house then 3 months of every other Saturday afternoons only with a view to changing to Saturday afternoon to Sunday lunchtime if DD was comfortable
Plus the caveats around having his partner present at the initial contacts with DD

Those were the terms of the final order.

Obviously I wasn’t aware that he did not have anywhere for DD to sleep at his new residence when the final order was made- he claimed he would have, he has since admitted in text that that was a lie

There’s a duty to your children in ensuring they have a relationship with him but as far as communicating directly with you goes, you get to choose if you want that!

I have a contact phone that is used in emergency only, and a contact book where things are written that aren’t urgent. Social services and the court fully support this! If he isn’t interested in sorting out regular contact with the kids then just ignore him. He’s the one who’s chosen not to see them. It’s horrible but better for the kids to know where they stand than him dipping in and out. If they want to talk to him on the phone you could suggest that.

If he or his wife show up at your house, tell them they aren’t allowed to do that. In a text or email so you have proof, and then if they show up call the police. You shouldn’t be bullied like that. He’s not a part of your life anymore and he’s also choosing not to be a part of your children’s lives.

A duty to your dc is to have a dm with decent mh...
Unless you are court ordered to be his PA he can contact school and ask to be kept up to date with their progress as they are legally obliged to do...

I have told him in the past that there’s no need for us to have contact- that he can contact the schools for updates, he already gets their reports I believe. He can attend parents evenings if he so wishes.
If there was a medical emergency with the DC I would let him know. If our DS changed his mind about having his dad at his hobby then DS could let him know directly.
There really is no need for him and I to have contact.
He told me I was trying to be controlling and that I had no right to tell him what to do.
I guess that’s why I’ve been going along with everything, despite the fact it makes me anxious, every time I try and put boundaries in place it antagonises him and he gets worse, then his wife joins in and I feel worse.

I spent so many years doing whatever it took to keep him happy, keep him calm. Then we had the years of court proceedings where I had to promote and support contact with him despite my own misgivings and his ongoing verbal and psychological abuse of me.
I’ve spent so much time trying to keep the peace, I guess I don’t really know how to stand up for myself and stop all of this

Block him op.. You are allowed to. Allow yourself to. Especially during these awful times your dc need you to be strong and mentally well.

It's simple - don't respond! Block. Get a new number. But every time you hit reply and type something he is winning, you give him ammunition to continue his abuse.

@TootsyPops the OP doesn’t have a duty to ensure a relationship
She is obliged to follow a Court Order. Nothing more

@titchy

It's simple - don't respond! Block. Get a new number. But every time you hit reply and type something he is winning, you give him ammunition to continue his abuse.

Totally agree Any attention is better than none

Even if blocking him means he shows up at my house?
The thought of things escalating again makes me sick