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Original poster

Ex is seeing DS if and when he feels like, i want to put in place set times but what is reasonable??

57 replies

LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 15:05

At the moment my ex partner is seeing our ds if and when it's convienent for him, i think there should be more of a routine.

we have argued about this in the past so i want to be prepared next time i approach it so it doesnt result in an row.

i suggested in the past one night at the weekend (fri eve - sat eve, or sat eve - sun eve) as i work full time and like to spend some time with ds at the weekend, plus one night through the week for a few hours but not to stay overnight as ex is not a good time keeper and i know i wouldnt get him back until bedtime the next evening,
plus my ex doesnt help towards nursery fees so if ds misses a day i still have to pay for it.
wouldnt mind him staying overnight w/days so much if he paid his half though.
Is this reasonable access?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 10:06

Personally I don't think it matters at all that the weekly routine is not identical every week at your DS' age, just as long as there is a routine over time and you and his father stick to it.

The "weekly" routine will become much more critical when DS himself has a sense of time.

My daughter (nearly 3) doesn't have much of a sense of time yet.

stripeymama · 18/10/2007 10:07

As a single mum whose ex has serious issues with reliability/consistency etc, I know this problem al too well. My advice would be to insist on what you are happy with initially but agree to "review" the arrangements after they have been kept for a month (or whatever).

IME its so easy for the absent parent to agree to something but for it to slip into something else quite fast.

Obviously your ds needs to see his dad but he is still only little and the consistency is vital to make him feel secure.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:12

i have found that the more xdp sees ds the less reluctant he is to go with xdp, then if he doesnt see him for a couple of weeks, ds gets clingy and pushes him away when he comes.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:15

im not saying the weekly rountie shouls be regular im saying it seems to be btter whne he sees him more regular (once a week at least) it can be as flexible as he wants over the weekend with times and stuff, im just saying it would be better if he sees him every week rather than that 2 week slip in the middle i just want it resolved as its making me

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:18

sorry i mean to say the 'the weekly routine doesnt need to be identical' just as long as its weekly

getting upset now

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 10:18

Have you said that to your ex - that DS is much happier to see him when he sees him at least once a week? Maybe your ex doesn't realise/understand this.

IME put forward lots of arguments about how happy/thrilled/excited children are to see their fathers (absent or not). Men buy it every time as they love being their children's hero .

stripeymama · 18/10/2007 10:21

One overnight stay a week sounds like the best - friday or saturday. Just stick to what you think is right for your ds, you know him best and really he is the one who is important.

Agree that ex should know how happy it makes ds to see him, it can really make a difference.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:25

i have said this to my ex till im blue in the face, he doesnt like to be commited to anything as he likes to suit himself and play his weekends ad hoc.

He knows ds needs to bond with him. Even when ds is with him his mother (he lives with her) does all of the messy stuff (feeding/changing/bathing) and xdp just sits in his room on his pc

I have said to him before if maybe they could go swimming once a week that would be great but he cant even stick to that, he took him once

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 10:27

Oh dear... the "living with his mother" doesn't sound very good .

Do you talk to your ex's mother? How does she feel about having her grandson to stay at unpredictable times? Could you enlist her support?

stripeymama · 18/10/2007 10:34

Ah yes my ex was like that.
Me: "How about you see dd every sunday?"
Him: "But I don't know what I'll be doing every sunday"

He'd turn up when he wanted and wave at dd through the window, so of course then I'd have to let him in...

In the end we moved away to live nearer my mum, and ex now sees her for one weekend a month (in theory) but she stays with his parents and they do all the work. He just turns up and plays. And buys sweets

But if ex is like that there is only so much you can insist on if you want ds to see him I suppose. I tried insisting on my idea of reasonable regular access and he simply didn't see dd for 4 months, and told everyone I had stopped him seeing her.

Good luck!

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:34

she is just happy to see her grandon at any time because she adores him! so she wont complain about messy times, i know she would back me up on the once a week thing becuase then see gets to see hi more too, we get on really well, but she is also sick of trying to get xdp to be more commited, but then again she doesnt help by doing the messy stuff he should be doing

I am hoping he will come back and agree to having ds every weekend, as i cant see it is unreasonable, especially if he can be flexible on which night he has him.

OP posts:
Lorayn · 18/10/2007 11:06

To be fair, little miss, I understand you saying he needs to see his son every week but

Weekend 1 - Friday night at Daddy's
Weekend 2 - whole weekend at Mummy's
Weekend 3 - Saturday night at Daddy's
Weekend 4 - whole weekend at Daddy's routine means there is only one week out of four he wont see him, maybe that week he could have him for tea or something during the week?

I know it's hard, but his suggestions aren't unreasonable and I wouldn't want to push it myself. It can be all well and good wanting to make the routine you beleive to be important happen, but you could just make it worse.

If your ex feels like he hasnt been given any say in the situation, which really is what you're doing, it could become very strenuous trying to come to any agreement at all.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 11:31

i guess your right, my way would suit me better too as it means i would at least get one day a week where i could catch up on much needed sleep and have a lie in. im get up 6.30 everyday and commute an hr to work (have to get myself and ds ready with no help, v.hard with a 15th old) he doesnt have a job (he dj's every now and then and does the odd website for cash) and gets up when he feels like it. it seems really unfair to have to give in to what suits him better, than what would suit me a ds better

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 11:37

and my suggestion is not so different from his and a little more flexible maybe? is that so bad?

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Lorayn · 18/10/2007 11:38

Well, dont take this the wrong way, but it's not just what would suit you better. If he is willing to compromise, then so should you. I understand all too well wanting a lie-in once a week! But you would get two lie-ins one weekend. As I said earlier, he isnt a babysitter, and ds isnt a toy.

I know all too well how hard it si with a 15month old, I used to have to get me, a 5yr old and a 13mnth old up every morning, get one to school, one to nursery and get myself to work, with no help. It isn't ideal, but thats what being a parent is all about.

I think you're lucky he is saying he will give this a chance (whether he will do what he says who knows)

Also, if you go with his plan then the second he steps out of line, you have that ammunition there, You played by his rules, he fucked up, now he does as you say iyswim

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 11:47

just posted a message back and it dissapeared into thin air

OP posts:
Lorayn · 18/10/2007 11:48

thats happened to me before haha.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 11:49

i know you are right lorayn, and i know i am being stubborn! i should see it as him making an effort and not as him getting it his own way! thanks for your advice it has helped so much

p.s what does iyswim mean?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 12:00

I'm with LoRayn . Don't fight too hard to get your own way - it will backfire in the end.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 12:05

i am a bit of a 'jump in feet first think later' person, so have already sent him the email with my second suggestion last night!
not had a reply yet though hes probably having a good think about it
i should have waited for better advice but im impulsive and impatient

OP posts:
Lorayn · 18/10/2007 12:09

Well, if he agrees, then great, you've got it how you wanted, if he says he doesnt agree, then be ok abou that too, tell him its ok, youre happy to try his way then, but want to discuss how its working after the first 8 weeks or so.

That way if you find you really cant live with it you cn suggest more changes
Good Luck!

Lorayn · 18/10/2007 12:10

IYSWIM, is if you see what I mean.

mumsnet acronyms

allgonebellyup · 18/10/2007 12:15

Could you let him have ds every weekend? say fri night to sun night?
thats what i do with my ds, he is 3, and it works well.

Lorayn · 18/10/2007 12:18

every weekend? she said earlier "as i work full time and like to spend some time with ds at the weekend" but I think the problem is him wanting one weekend without ds out of four.

allgonebellyup · 18/10/2007 12:25

oh ok i misunderstood. so why cant the ex have one weekend without his ds?