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Original poster

Ex is seeing DS if and when he feels like, i want to put in place set times but what is reasonable??

57 replies

LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 15:05

At the moment my ex partner is seeing our ds if and when it's convienent for him, i think there should be more of a routine.

we have argued about this in the past so i want to be prepared next time i approach it so it doesnt result in an row.

i suggested in the past one night at the weekend (fri eve - sat eve, or sat eve - sun eve) as i work full time and like to spend some time with ds at the weekend, plus one night through the week for a few hours but not to stay overnight as ex is not a good time keeper and i know i wouldnt get him back until bedtime the next evening,
plus my ex doesnt help towards nursery fees so if ds misses a day i still have to pay for it.
wouldnt mind him staying overnight w/days so much if he paid his half though.
Is this reasonable access?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 15:06

p.s DS is 15mths old

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LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 17/10/2007 15:17

Yes, it is totally reasonable access.
How are you going to approach it? can you email him?

Also can I just say, the times are to be auitable for your DS, not his father. If he is at nursery during the week and you are at work, then it is probably the best time for him to go to his fathers at the weekend.

Your ex is not a babysitter, nor is your ds a toy. Make sure xdp is aware of this.

I know from previous exp that exdp's can get on their high horse with the whole 'i'm not having him so you can go out' thing. I dont know if your ex is like this.

Whatever you decide, make it sound as reasonable as possible, point out the benefits for DS and put it in writing. I don't want to sound pessimistic but it is best you are covered for the worst case sceanrio, in this case, non-agreement and court.

You should look out for Anna88, i have seen ehr give some great advice on these questions.

Good Luck

Anna8888 · 17/10/2007 15:24

Hi

Yes, you definitely need to instigate a routine for your own sanity and for that of your DS. It is entirely reasonable that you, your DS and your partner all know exactly where you stand so that you can plan your lives independently of one another.

Try making an initial agreement for fixed nights and drop-off/pick-up times for a week or fortnight to start off with, and agreeto to review/renegotiate after the time has elapsed - both you and your ex may have feelings about the arrangement. And you may well pick up on your DS' feelings and want to change things for his sake.

Your DS will soon be able to look forward to seeing his father at regular times and that will be a great way to structure his week. Try telling your ex that you want to be able to build up your DS to seeing his father by saying things like "Daddy will be here to pick you up in one hour" "Daddy will be here in five minutes" etc so that their time together will be special.

Men often don't get how important it is to be on time - you have to use your best marketing skills to get them there

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 15:36

not sure how to approach him, think i might send him an email.

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LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 17/10/2007 15:47

I would try the email idea, that way there are no coplications or confusion as to what has been said, it will also be less emotional.

Ttold you anna gives good advice

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 15:49

yes thanks to you both

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LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 17/10/2007 15:54

You could also read this thread, it was one recently about changing contact agreements, should have a lot of advice for you there.

I'll also try to keep this bumped, as more people will be on later, its school run/tea time for a lot of people now

Anna8888 · 17/10/2007 16:02

LoRayn - thanks but so do you .

No letting others run our lives, heh?

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 19:50

i have sent him an email but got no reply yet...hes good at not replying, before i wrote this thread i sent him a text to ask if he was going to see ds this weekend as he made no arrangements to and always tells me last minute, but i got no reply to that which prompted me to write the thread.

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Lorayn · 17/10/2007 20:50

Well, dont ask him anything in future. If you dont get a reply, for now, take it as he isnt going to bother. You cannot run your life around last minute arrangements.

Did you read the thread about harmans ex?? He tried saying he hadnt had the email

I would leave the email as the only contact for now and if he calls/texts this weekend, you're busy, make plans, do something, dont wait around for him.

Then maybe next time he'll arrange things in time.

What did you say in the email, if I'm not being too nosey

Oh, and see, people do answer

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 21:02

i said:

know we have talked about this before but i really think we need to come to some sort of arrangement for set times for when you have ds, so this is what i suggest:

1 night over the weekend either Friday evening to Saturday evening, or Sat eve to sun Eve, then one evening through the week but not to stay over night as i think it is important that ds keeps his routine at nursery.

If it is difficult for you to pick him up and drop him off in the short time you have through the week then maybe just stick to the weekends, and off course you have your dj nights at weekends so if your working the friday then have ds on sat and vice versa.

I'm approaching this by email because in the past when we have talked about it, it has ended in an argument, and i don't want another row. I do however think it is really important that we set a routine now so that ds knows when he is going to see his Daddy and will look forward to that, also we can both plan our lives independently of one another and it avoids disappointment all round.

Hopefully we can come to a good arrangement that suits us both but more importantly suits ds and fits in with his routine.

And keep in mind that it wont be set in stone so if either of us feels it is not working we can discuss it like adults. Maybe try my suggestion for a couple of months and see how it goes??

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Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 21:04

and i got a reply:

Splitting up the weekends is a good idea, but i'm just worried about the
weekend experiance being broken up by travelling back and to (he lives 25 mins away) and the quality
of time spent with him.

Its only an initial idea but how about 2 weeks in a month we do as you
suggest and split the weekend. For the other two weekends, you have him for
one whole weekend and i the other. This would enable you for example to go
to the lakes for the weekend with him, or visit family or friends without
having to rush back and cram everything in. This would work vice-versa. It
is just an initial thought but it would maybe allow for us to both have that
little bit extra time and be able to plan something special once a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 21:07

this is fine but i dont think it is consistant enough and could get confusing so i replied with this:

it could get a little confusing doing it that way, wouldn't it be better to stick to the split weekends then if one of us needs to change and have something special planned then speak to the other, that way it would be more of a routine for him, also it means you wouldn't go for long periods without seeing him, or even better to have 3 split weekends a month a one weekend a month you could have him maybe friday early eve to sunday midday?

what do you think, is this asking too much?

OP posts:
Lorayn · 17/10/2007 21:10

Wow, at least he is kind of agreeing. I'll hang off that hitman for a while, I can always call them back

Are you happy with the suggestion of the other weekends???

25 mins travelling isnt really going to upset him though, surely. My DC'S dad lives over 40 miles away, although they dont see him anymore, when they go to see their nan on rare occasions they just sleep in the car

Anyway, I'm going to be off now, want to spend some time with DP, I will get him off the playstation!!
But anything you post I'll reply to first thing tomorrow. Good Luck

Lorayn · 17/10/2007 21:12

Ok, we cross posted

I think you may be right about the length of time he doesnt see his dad for, but maybe his dad just wants one weekedn a month to himself? Selfish I know, but still reasonable to a point.

At the end of the day, it's your decision. You can always road test either of your ideas and see how it works out.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 21:19

i would have thought he would jump at the chance to have him at least one night a week overnight, and if he needs a weekend off for some 'him time' then he can just ask, its more about our son having a routine and seeing him regualr than him having time off, he will have lots of time to himself through the week! im i being unreasonable thinking that?

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Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 21:22

oops sorry didnt read the post before the last one thanks for your advice

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Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 17/10/2007 22:00

has anybody else got any good advice on this please? iam unreasonable to not want to confuse ds with 2 spilt weekends, one weekend with xdp and one weekend with me?? i just want some routine in ds's life

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Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 07:39

Hi again

Actually, I thought the idea of two split weekends and two whole weekends was a very good idea .

In the long term, as DS grows up, he will need to spend longer periods than just 24 hours with his father and you really should be encouraging his father in that direction. I'd take him up on that.

And, from your point of you, your DS will only be away from you for a whole weekend once in every four weeks. You might even enjoy the time to yourself .

Be careful of talking about "months" BTW as some months have four weekends and some have five. Either agree to talk about weeks - in our household we have odd weeks of the year for my stepsons' mother and even weeks for us ie we start the agreement in the first week of January and they spend the first weekend with their mother, the second with us, right through the year, which is the easiest system IMO - or, if you have to talk about months, agree that any month with a fifth weekend automatically accrues to you or to your ex.

A good routine to start off with IMO would be:

Weekend 1 - Friday night at Daddy's
Weekend 2 - whole weekend at Mummy's
Weekend 3 - Saturday night at Daddy's
Weekend 4 - whole weekend at Daddy's

and then start again.

I agree completely that your DS should not be missing nursery because your ex can't get him there and if that means that your DS only sees his father in the afternoon/evening during the week, so be it.

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 09:19

i do think his idea was a very good one, however, i did think him seeing ds at more regular consitant periods (i.e at least one night every week, alternating fridays and saturdays) for the time being would benefit them both.

the reason for this is xdp has only just come back into our lives after ignoring me through my whole pg becuase it was unplanned and he didnt want to be a daddy, now he has changed his mind and has been seeing ds but it has been willy nilly when he feels like it or when he can fit it around he work or social life.

Because of this they dont have much of a bond and ds is very clingy to me, and i just though a routine for the time being would suit ds better, then maybe review in 6 months and we could try his way.

What do you think?

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Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 09:54

LittleMiss - I think you should let your DS and his father see each other as much as possible . If the pregnancy was unplanned, it must have taken quite a while for DS' father to get used to the idea of becoming a father - now he is enthusiastic about the idea, you should jump at the chance to encourage the bond.

Sure, DS will be a bit unused to it all to begin with, and a bit clingy to you - all the more reason for discussing with his father how you and he can work together to make "Daddy-time" special and exciting.

Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 09:56

LittleMiss - any chance of you and DS' father getting back together?

Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 09:58

sorry, i know his way is a routine, what i ment to say is a regular weekly routine, that way ds can build up some bond and trust with his daddy and he wont seem so much of a stranger if he stay once a week than if its one week off one week on, if you get what i mean

confusing myself now

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Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:00

we tried getting back together when he first got back in touch, i was fully prepared to make a go of it and forgive and forget the past, but he could not handle the commitment and in the end was messing me about as he couldnt decide if it was what he wanted i did try my best but sadly wasnt ment to be and i got hurt again

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Original poster
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 10:04

your so right about him seeing ds as much as possible, its very difficult through the week to do that as we both have work and the distance he lives, thats why i thought if he can see him every weekend would be better

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