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Lone parents

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Original poster

DC constantly harassing me for stuff.

18 replies

CitrusSublime · 14/06/2020 20:53

I'm completely on my own as a parent. Ex has no interest in DC. Little to zero CM as he's lost his job.

DC1 says I've ruined his childhood hobby and dream to be an artist because I won't buy them £100 worth of art supplies that they says they needs to pursue this. Has been ranting about this all day and has been very rude to me.

I have explained that 1. a lot of money has already been spent over the duration of lockdown 2. I'm on a low income 3. They are not the only child who doesn't get what they want 4. They can use the art stuff they do have. 5. There are essentials we need for the home and those take priority right now.

To no avail. Any experience of this and advice please?

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 14/06/2020 20:59

I’m a single parent and it’s hard when they really want something and you just don’t have the money! But I wouldn’t listen to that whinging. How old are they? Old enough to suggest earning money themselves somehow? (Even in lockdown people need lawns mowing, cars washing, errands running etc).

Otherwise I’d say “look, you can be as mad at me as you want. You can call me every name under the sun in your head or where I can’t hear it, but you can’t talk to me like that and I don’t want to hear it. You know the reasons why I can’t get it for you, and I’m sure you understand them. So you’re ranting because you feel hard done to. And you’re allowed to feel like that but I don’t have to listen to it. Go and be annoyed at me in your room.”

I simply can’t be doing with children going on and on at me about stuff. I don’t have the mental energy for it.

MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 21:07

How old is he?
My ds is 6 and since dd came along, I'm very short with my answer "I haven't got money for that right now, maybe birthday or Xmas if you still want it then". Otherwise I suggest he finds some old toys to go up for sale to put towards it as well as help out for the odd few quid. He is better at saving than me at this point!

Love51 · 14/06/2020 21:08

How old is the child? Have he ever been the recipient of pocket money? Does he actually do the thing he wants to pursue? Does it need to be £100, like a musical instrument or loom or something, or could he start with a tenner (like a canvas and some paint) and save / work / birthday present the rest? (Hoping there is someone other than you who buys presents). Also, if he's dc1 are there younger DC with hobbies and interests? (If other DC are tiny they may not have hobbies yet)

SpideyMom · 14/06/2020 21:09

I agree with the above. Though I imagine it must be so draining listening to their moaning constantly.

My DS is too young or at least hasn't reached the point of doing that when he wants something. At the moment he knows no means no. However he does try to get his way in otherways and thinks moaning and crying will make me give in. Like the PP has said, I calmly tell him its OK to be sad but it won't change that I've told him to do whatever he has been asked to do, and going on will only lose him time on the things he enjoys for the next few days. He soon stops.

MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 21:10

Also, I feel as adults we sometimes hide certain parts of everyday life from our kids. But they do need to know money doesn't just magically appear on a bank card! Maybe ask your child where exactly he expects you to get the money from and see if he becomes more enlightened.
I'll never forget withdrawing my last £10 out the cash point once and my ds telling me I was lucky to have that! Could have cried LOL

Original poster
CitrusSublime · 14/06/2020 21:18

Thanks all. He's 10. Along with lockdown, I think this behaviour is a realisation of his father's lack of care and interest in him, as well as hormonal changes. He has had pocket money in the past, though that went pear shaped. Guess I'm going to have to get that reinstated.

He has other hobbies and interests too. I sense he's beginning to feel peer pressure as most of his friends DPs are fairly well off and they have loads of fun stuff. Before lockdown he tells me he was teased for not having a console and a certain game. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
CitrusSublime · 14/06/2020 21:21

@MamaLion1319 I've had that conversation with him. I've explained how much things cost. I've explained why I need to prioritise essential costs.

It's frustrating and heart breaking at the same time.

OP posts:
MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 21:31

@CitrusSublime I hear you. IMO your son is definitely old enough for you to say "when you constantly ask it makes me feel like xyz because I can't, if I could I would". Yes it's shit and it's neither of your faults and the only thing to look forward to is when he's older and he realises how hard it is for you as a lone parent. The bright side is it'll probably pass, as you know most kids aren't interested in something for too long, and if he is then birthday/Christmas will be extra special then!
I'm a big one for pocket money, no matter how small. If that's I've got it I'll give it.
Do have a think about seeing if he's got anything he doesn't play with anymore to sell though!

MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 21:35

As for the father situation, no advice just identification here as we have the same issue. Kids can be cruel, but if it's any consolation I had a 2 parent adoptive family at his age and was teased for not having the latest phone as the money wasn't there. It didn't last long and it hasn't scarred me for life!
Just one of those things sadly. DS has been banging on about a Nintendo switch for about 9 months now as all his mates have one, by the time I'd get round to getting it I'm sure they'd be something new out :(

Original poster
CitrusSublime · 14/06/2020 21:44

@MamaLion1319 It really makes a change chatting to someone who is in almost the same set of circumstances. Thanks.

He's still awake, laying in his bed after his bath. Hopefully he's coming round to understanding the clear explanation I gave him and will give it a rest for a while.

This thread has really helped. Am going to reflect on it and decide on a course of action wrt pocket money.

OP posts:
MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 22:10

You're more than welcome to message anytime! Fingers crossed for you. Either way, you're doing a great job, you've got this 😊

Prisonbreak · 14/06/2020 22:15

At 10 I would let him earn it. Give him a few pounds for hoovering, dusting, cleaning his room, washing inside the windows etc
If he really want it, he will work for it

Viviennemary · 14/06/2020 22:16

£100 on art materials for a 20 year old is ridiculous. Sometimes you can get some good quality used art stuff on eBay.

Viviennemary · 14/06/2020 22:16

10 year old!

worldweary45 · 14/06/2020 22:20

My stock answer is

'You have 2 parents you know'

Absent father does nothing for them so makes them appreciate what I already do for them

They then put it on their birthday/Christmas list Wink

OhioOhioOhio · 14/06/2020 22:26

Could you sell something for him to afford the art stuff?

HugeAckmansWife · 16/06/2020 07:14

My tweens get £20 a month. I started it because the endless 'can I have' whinging was killing me. They get that £20 and that's it. A switch game is two months ("they get a bit from their gp every now and then so it tops up). A lego set or whatever ditto. I might buy them the odd thing if I want them to have it, like a magazine but no other 'treats'. If they blow their money in week one, tough. They are slowly learning.

catspyjamas123 · 16/06/2020 08:59

£100 is a huge amount for art stuff! He doesn’t need all that. Can’t he start small with a few things. I’d be worried he’d lose interest in the stuff even if he had it.

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