How much access to new baby

[2ndtimemum2]

Hi all broke up with my partner when I was 9 weeks pregnant...well actually he was emotionally abusive and I also found he was cheating on me

Havent seen him in 5 months and there is no communication at all we both have each other blocked.

I'm due in 10nweeks originally when he left he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby but a month ago he changed his mind and we tried to communicate but it fell apart again and for my own mental health I cut him out as the stress is impacting the baby (shes measuring small)

I've asked him to go to mediation but he refuses and to be honest I have so much going on with buying a house having another teenage child and working full time from home without trying to sort his access when hes doing nothing to try and sort it...I want him to see the child but I think hes under the impression that he can come and go as he pleases.

He lives an hour away and his initial suggestion was I meet him half way! With a newborn in a car after recovering from labour that was his suggestion..his mother is also very controlling and expects to take the baby overnight...shes even bought newborn nappies!!!

So what would other people consider reasonable access!?

Hi usernameerror

Still no contact with the exception of one abusive message. I've 3 weeks to go and I'm in such a better place I purchased a new house so theres alot of work to be done so between that and a new baby it will keep me distracted.

I will let him know when I have her and see if he wants to visit but if he does it will be very restricted in the first few months as I plan to breastfeed and cannot be in his company for more than an hour. Lookinging back I realise just the extent of the abuse and it was bad

Hi OP. You have been very strong and have so much going for you. You don’t need him and make sure if he does see the baby it is on your terms. Good luck 💐

You sound stronger.

I would still avoid telling him till you are well enough after the birth - don’t tell him you are registering the birth . His name can be added later if he becomes a responsible dad - though this sounds unlikely.

I don't say this lightly but no contact unless he takes you to court.

His behaviour means its likely that mediation isn't suitable. Get some support, does your work have any support or counselling services, or your union?

I'm in counselling weekly. Their recommendations is to let it go to court as there is no talking to him. He is cruel and narcissistic and plays the victim

Then take that advice...get solicitors advice on the best way to protect your family .

How are you doing OP?

Hi namechanger

Its funny how life works out, my amazingly beautiful little girl is here and shes so amazing I can't imagine life without her.

Its strange I was so scared of the stigma of 2 kids with 2 dads and although I don't go around broadcasting it to the world the thought of it was worse than the reality.

It is tough being a single mum doing all the slog myself and also trying to do up a house from scratch in the process but I'm definitely coping...scratch that I'm winning!!

My ex is still as cruel as ever although he has been involved (when it suits him). Because of all the heartache he put me through it helped me fall out of love for him so I seem to bounce back from his behaviour very quickly...the power he had over me is gone I for so long imagined a life where it would all work out with him and we'd live happily ever after...and in the end it did work out and my happily ever after is me and my kids!

Its insane because he is still cruel to me in any way he can find and yet now all I feel for him is pity...this whole experience has humbled me and thought me so.many life lessons...he has attacked me verbally on so many occasions and I've not fought back, not because I am weak but because I am strong and I refuse to inflict pain on another or lower myself to that level just because they have hurt me.

I will never judge anyone for how they lived their life again, we are all fighting some battle... some keep the fight hidden away..me I just fell apart for the world to see...but I picked myself up and I kept going.

Unfortunately the whole experience has scarred me off men and it will be a long time before I'd even contemplate dating or Even being in the company of a man...but thats my choice and maybe one day I might feel differently.

And thank you for asking, it gave me a chance to reflect on how far I've come

It is so good to read what a good space you are in now.

His nastiness and lack of consistency is - to me - a real issue still. Do you have to put up with that treatment? Is is contact with your daughter organised through the official channels? If not, I'd switch to that so that he can't just drift in and out when it suits him ... or if he does, the fact is registered.

All the very best.