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Original poster

How much access to new baby

59 replies

2ndtimemum2 · 30/05/2020 20:56

Hi all broke up with my partner when I was 9 weeks pregnant...well actually he was emotionally abusive and I also found he was cheating on me

Havent seen him in 5 months and there is no communication at all we both have each other blocked.

I'm due in 10nweeks originally when he left he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby but a month ago he changed his mind and we tried to communicate but it fell apart again and for my own mental health I cut him out as the stress is impacting the baby (shes measuring small)

I've asked him to go to mediation but he refuses and to be honest I have so much going on with buying a house having another teenage child and working full time from home without trying to sort his access when hes doing nothing to try and sort it...I want him to see the child but I think hes under the impression that he can come and go as he pleases.

He lives an hour away and his initial suggestion was I meet him half way! With a newborn in a car after recovering from labour that was his suggestion..his mother is also very controlling and expects to take the baby overnight...shes even bought newborn nappies!!!

So what would other people consider reasonable access!?

OP posts:
Spillinteas · 31/05/2020 14:49

Don’t invite him to the birth. Don’t even tell him when your in labour

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 31/05/2020 15:42

Don't tell him when you go into labour. You don't want to have to worry about him or his mum turning up. Put it on your birth plan that your birth partner is Y and if your ex turns up deny entry to him.

If I were you I'd block until the baby is born. There's no need for him to contact you until then. When baby is born register with your surname, perhaps add his as a middle name but go alone so he doesn't kick off on the registering day.

You are very reasonable to want to take the legal route. If he starts the mediation process once baby is born welcome that as if he kidnaps baby, the police will return baby straight to you. Ignore his mum. She is your ex's problem to manage

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 31/05/2020 15:52

So a big worry was that they'd bring me to court fairly shortly after the birth but I found out last week when I rang the courts that there is a minimum 4 month delay in getting a court date and the application that means it would be after Christmas before hed get a date...this is great in one way...I get all that bonding time without a court date looming but it also means that it falls on me to make the arrangements for visitation!!

Also want to thank everyone for commenting and being so gentle with me...I need kind words right now you are my lifeline Flowers

OP posts:
PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 31/05/2020 16:01

ThanksThanksThanks

Good luck OP

ThanksThanksThanks

tribpot · 31/05/2020 16:10

it falls on me to make the arrangements for visitation!!
Does it? Why?

The same way you 'have' to give the baby his surname? You don't.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 16:43

...no it doesn't 'fall on you to arrange visitation' where are you getting this idea from?
Anyway IME those that shout the loudest do... the least
If you are breastfeeding no judge is going to order visitation 'rights' are they?
I put 'rights' in commas because in fact parents don't have rights. ..they have responsibilities.
The grandmother to be sounds deluded frankly
Take care xx

Windyatthebeach · 31/05/2020 16:48

Imo you do nothing. Until he applies to the court you simply don't deal with this right now.
Enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby.
He needs to do the rest.
And hopefully his dm kept receipts. What a stupid woman she is!!
Your surname and only you on the bc.
Your dc won't be scarred from having a blank space on the bc. Will be having a dm who is controlled by an abusive ex for many years if he goes on it.

NeedToKnow101 · 31/05/2020 17:59

Keep posting here OP and stay strong. I too advise you just to put him right out of your mind for now.

What's important right now is your mental and physical well-being. I hope you have friends or family who can be there for you too.

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 31/05/2020 18:38

By fall on me I mean that without the courts there to put something in place it falls on me to set the boundaries or my family...and my family have been so amazing so far I dont want to have to expect them to have to sort the access

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 31/05/2020 21:40

I would block them now. Whatever you do do not inform him you are in labour . Stress and labour bare not good. This time is about you and the baby.

You don’t have to arrange visitation prior to court case.

Give yourself space.

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 01/06/2020 11:22

Sometimes it just gets all too much I owe work 7 hours and i cant bring myself to leave the bed it just all seems too much so I'm here crying into my pillow..I'm lucky I've been working from home and I can be flexible with my hours but last week one day i couldnt motivate myself to do the work i needed to.do so instead i lay in bed...and now I'm the same way lying in bed not sure how I can get out of this dark hole...

In the last 6 months I've gone through the pregnancy alone...had to pull put of a house sale because my ex nearly got me into 300k debt on a house he wanted but only I could get the mortgage on cause his credit rating is so shit...thank God he walked before I'd signed the mortgage or I have no idea how I wouldve coped!! That's how manipulated I was I was willing to put myself in that much debt to make him happy even though I didnt want the house!!!

I'm watching my dad fight a terminal illness...hes even threatened to approach my dad..who emotionally abuses someone by threatening to upset their dying dad?? My dad is my world and it wouldve broke his heart.

I had a break down in work about 3 months ago (I work shift) and was on the night shift and ended up walking out of work at 3am and crying in my car...thank God my manager is an angel and told me that if I need to do it 100 times to do it.

Then my dog I had for 13 years passed away 6 weeks ago in my arms.

Everything seems such a mess...and heres the thing I cant think of one nice things hes done for me over the last year not one...it was always me that was trying to please him...that if I kept him happy that would automatically keep me happy...

Today is just so tough and I dont know why...I should be happy I'm signing my mortgage for a house I CHOSE...a house I can afford with a big garden and a space for my son and my baby..
I have bought everything baby needs for her arrival ..I'm surrounded by love from my family and friends... even though my ex enjoyed telling me that I'd end up lonely that people only tolerate me that even my own family tolerate me..

How do you recover from emotional abuse??

OP posts:
NeedToKnow101 · 01/06/2020 14:08

OP big hugs, sorry you're having an especially bad day!!! Can you take a couple of days off sick? Or can you meet a friend in the park? Or sit in the garden.
One day this will be a distant memory, I promise.

I mentioned the situation with my ex earlier in the thread. It was an awful time. He treated me terribly, then when I ended it continued to harass me (until he found a new women to harass) about DS. I thought it would go on forever. However all that is a distant memory now, and what I learnt from it is if my boundaries had been stricter from the start, his harassment of me would have ended MUCH sooner.

You didn't and don't deserve any of your exes abuse. You don't owe him anything, and brighter days will come. Can you write down 3 things you are grateful for now, and try and do this every morning. It helps put things into perspective.

NeedToKnow101 · 01/06/2020 14:08

And remember pregnancy hormones play havoc with your emotions too.

DameFanny · 01/06/2020 14:53

You're astonishingly, amazingly strong OP. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to be ok, more than on, you're going to thrive.

You do get over emotional abuse, it just takes a bit longer than physical damage. Promise yourself that - when you have more capacity - you'll do the Freedom Programme. It'll help you unpick the way he treated you, so you can recognise what he did, and how you can avoid it in the future. And just recognising what he did will help you recover, because you'll be able to name the instances and realise that it wasn't your fault.

Maybe you should just have a day or so off sick, to process and give yourself a breather? Ott maybe you can find distraction in work, where you know what you're doing and you don't have to think about what you've gone through. Or why not both? I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you - you're competent and capable and you can do this.

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 01/06/2020 15:14

Thank you ladies I know this will pass I just sit here thinking hes out there enjoying his best life probably with another woman while I'm trying to piece together my life and figure it all out on my own and it's scary it actually terrifies me I thought I would get my happily ever after but no matter what I did I wasnt good enough!!

OP posts:
DameFanny · 02/06/2020 14:11

Oh honey, how can he be living his best life if he's run home to a bullying mother and is too shitty to you to be safe at the birth of his child?

And if he is with another woman, concentrate on feeling sorry for her because she doesn't know how abusive he is yet.

While you genuinely live your best life, getting to know new baby safely away from abusive Ex, and with your older child too in a house that's designed for your own little family.

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 02/06/2020 16:56

Thank you so much for your kind response it really cheered me up...I know hes no good for me and I know how damaging he is to me so why am I struggling with the break up.

I think he is a narcissist and I'm afraid that hell be a good partner to someone else

OP posts:
DameFanny · 02/06/2020 18:29

A narcissist can't by nature be a good partner to anyone else. Unless, and it's a big unless, they fall for a narcissist who's even more manipulative than they are.

Let's just take a minute and enjoy that mental picture Wink

But yes, it's hard. You had a life planned out, he made promises, you were in love. The man you loved is just a facade, but the feelings don't go away so easily - because you're a genuine, loving person. So don't expect to get over it straight away - grieve the life you thought you were going to have - but you owe it to yourself to take the time and build yourself back up without him, so you can be the best parent to your baby Flowers

HWLB · 21/06/2020 21:35

Some great messages on here Smile

OP, I hope you’re ok - only just picked up on this thread today and a few weeks have passed so I hope you’re feeling stronger.

To add my thoughts to the other excellent bits of advice on here... my ex decided a few weeks before my baby was due that she wasn’t sure we were right together. 8 weeks of turmoil then 2 days before due date told me she’d be moving out a few weeks after baby was born. Horrendous time, indescribable. With hindsight, I wish I’d told her to leave and not allowed her to have any involvement at all - in the fog of distress and upset (and hormones) I let her come to the birth, go on the BC, and even let her family visit Sad all of which were hugely traumatic experiences. If I could go back in time (and I really wish I could), I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my gorgeous boy. Now we’re wrangling over her contact with him and it’s killing me.

Stay strong, believe you can do it, and don’t let him or his mother anywhere near you or your baby. Being on my own with my son is not what I imagined, ever, but it’s an utter joy. Our bond is unbelievable, and I would give anything to turn the clock back and do things very differently. She didn’t deserve anything, and through misguided hope that she’d change her mind, I let her stay involved. Huge regret.

Good luck Smile and let us know how you’re getting on

HWLB · 21/06/2020 21:41

And just realised you have your son too Smile

Dicotyledon · 22/06/2020 07:59

Tbh, I would recommend going nc now. Don’t pander to him or his mother. Your health and the health and safety of your child are paramount. If you do have any contact, make it low contact and look up grey rock.

Original poster
2ndtimemum2 · 22/06/2020 15:16

Thanks all for your comments I've only 7 weeks left and there has been no contact at all I found out baby is breech so I'm back in 3 weeks to see if baby is turned or weather I'll need a c section.

The heart ache is so hard to deal with there are days that I cant even get out of bed but I know it has to pass

OP posts:
Dicotyledon · 22/06/2020 16:28

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but the longer you keep that man and his Mum away from you, the easier it will become.

Have you had a look at the Freedom programme? It may help.

excelledyourself · 22/06/2020 17:23

@2ndtimemum2 I just wanted to send you a hug. I'm sorry for everything you are going through. You are so much stronger, so much better, than this man. Please look after yourself and your children. You sound like a great, successful, person who has so much potential for happiness. Don't let this guy take any of that away from you.

Use all of this to show your kids what type of people they can be, and what type of people they shouldn't be, and shouldn't ever tolerate.

Thanks
usernameerror101 · 24/07/2020 23:20

Just come across this post, OP, how are you doing now? x

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