How much access to new baby

[2ndtimemum2]

Hi all broke up with my partner when I was 9 weeks pregnant...well actually he was emotionally abusive and I also found he was cheating on me

Havent seen him in 5 months and there is no communication at all we both have each other blocked.

I'm due in 10nweeks originally when he left he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby but a month ago he changed his mind and we tried to communicate but it fell apart again and for my own mental health I cut him out as the stress is impacting the baby (shes measuring small)

I've asked him to go to mediation but he refuses and to be honest I have so much going on with buying a house having another teenage child and working full time from home without trying to sort his access when hes doing nothing to try and sort it...I want him to see the child but I think hes under the impression that he can come and go as he pleases.

He lives an hour away and his initial suggestion was I meet him half way! With a newborn in a car after recovering from labour that was his suggestion..his mother is also very controlling and expects to take the baby overnight...shes even bought newborn nappies!!!

So what would other people consider reasonable access!?

Absolutely none until all Coronavirus restrictions have eased, and then he can meet you in a public space - park, cafe etc - to start to get to know the child.

There's no need at all for his mother to have the baby overnight, and certainly not in the first year.

Absolutely don't start dancing to their tune - be very clear with your boundaries and act in your baby's best interest - which is to ensure that you and the baby are relaxed and well-bonded fire at least the first 3 months

Contact would be very limited in normal times. It would be little and often. No overnights for a tiny baby.

He will need to come and visit you in a neutral place for a couple of hours max, if you are comfortable with that.

My one piece of advice would be not to be bullied into anything you aren't comfortable with. Once a precedent has been set, it's difficult to roll back.

I would just push back and say let's not make any plans until the baby is here. Sounds like his mother is operating him like a puppet so she can get her hands on the baby. No one would let their newborn stay over alone in someone else's house.

Unless you feel comfortable for him to come and see the baby at your house, i wouldnt be giving any access for a while. You absolutely dont have to let him take the baby away from you for any period of time and actually based on his actions id try and have someone else there if he visits you. Small babies stay with their primary care givers, end of. He, though his own choices and actions is not a primary care giver.

Thank you all...I think they have broken me down so much that I know no matter what I suggest it wont be enough! Yes his mother is the puppet master to be honest the only reason I think hes saying he wants to be involved is because of pressure from her.

He has been so nasty and I have tried to be civil but I havent seen him in 5 months and I've had to adapt my life completely..hes even demanded the child have his surname...bearing in mind he hasnt paid or offered a single penny to help out has never once asked do I need anything.

He even told me hed attend scans but never showed up so I was there all alone...when I had a threatened miscarriage him and his mam turned off their phones so I was there alone with no money or clothes etc my best friend had to come to me. And that's just the tip of the iceberg hes threatened to call my teenage son to tell him what I'm really like..said he was going to go and tell my dad what I was like...my dad is dying...that's just a few of the things hes done...hes threatened to tell people my secrets I've told him.in confidence

I'm dreading ever having to set eyes on him again..I had booked a termination early on and he begged and cried for me not to go through with it...2 months later he told everyone I'd trapped him

Don't let him or his family bully you.

Don't put his name on this birth certificate, as pp have said, you do not have to do anything for him or his mother.

Focus on what you want to do, prepare for the birth how you want to, and how you want to be afterwards.

No way would I let your ex or his mother take the baby especially in the first year. Anyway if you are breastfeeding it's a no go anyway.

Be strong. Have you got support? Maybe have someone with you when you have to speak to him etc

I really don't understand why you would try to have such a bully in your childs life. Stop pandering to him. If he wants to see the child himself he can go to court. I don't think hd will tbh if he's not even fussed about mediation. I fail to see how he could be a good influence on your child.

And get your teenager a new phone number. Tell him not to share it with thd bully.

From a reasonable perspective, no you wouldn't be travelling to him initially. Moving forward half of the travel is appropriate and most likely the case of went to court.
Little and often is preferable. In this scenario I'd think weekly is most likely unless he's furloughed and can be more involved, plus obviously paternity leave which he's entitled to still.
I'd communicate via email, but only check and respond weekly, by filtering his messages.

The ex mil sounds excited, which is reasonable. Her overnight plan not.

No further contact whatsoever with him or his family members, and let him pay to take it to court after baby arrives. He might not even bother. He wouldn't be awarded any significant level of contact with a newborn anyway. Especially given the way things are now.

Erm he would be seeing the baby in my house. He thinks he can't not bother then stroll on in and take the baby overnight?! He can f right off so can his mum actually.
Tell her the newborn nappies are a bit small for her mummy's boy and needs to buy him some big boy pants and have a nice cup of man the fuck up. Little weasel.

Firstly- I would tell him you will discuss access when the baby arrives. Block..Get your Ds’s number changed

Next do nit let anyone know you are in labour except birth partner and midwife.

Register Bret birth yourself- do not give baby his surname or her his name on bc - it will make like easier for you if he drops out and harder for him if he tries to take her.
Suggested contact is little and often . It’s up to him to arrange to come to you , gave someone with you if possible .

The space will give you time to work out what is right for you and the baby

I wouldn't encourage any contact. Enjoy your baby, change your number and see what happens. He may well lose interest. His mother may preserve, but grandparents have little rights.

I have same problem so if you ever want to chat i am here!! xx

Spillthetea I laughed at your reply I needed that so much.
Singlemum401 is your baby born yet?

I honestly dont know how i got through the last 5 months feeling my baby kick knowing her daddy has walked out on her after begging to keep her.

The anger at myself is there that I missed all the red flags that were there in front of me..he never respected me I was so eager to keep him happy tha he never had to bother to do anything for me and when I look back he didnt...i even picked out my own Christmas present so he didnt have to go to any effort...he got me flowers for my birthday when everyone knows that i see them as a waste of money

I was so afraid to step out of line in case i lost him ...and now I'm grieving for the relationship? I cant make sense of it how can I miss someone who was absolutely horrible to me and made no effort!?

I do hope he goes away and I never have to see them again but I know that wont be the case I now have to work on me so I can be the best mammy I can be but also a strong woman who wont take their shit!!

2ndtime my friend was in a similar position. Her ex begged her to keep the baby but then disappeared due to ‘anxiety’ . She was so stressed out during the pregnancy because she always kind of expected him to come back and say sorry. The birth was ruined because he was texting her in labour and giving her a hard time because he was thinking about himself and he when she was supposed to be at home resting with the baby he was bombarding her her with calls and messages and him and his mum about coming up. He really ruined the whole experience and she was very depressed afterwards. It’s instinct that you want the babies father around because why wouldn’t you want your baby to have two doting parents?

However what if honestly advise is that you go grey rock now to protect your own mental health. This man does not deserve any sympathy or understanding from you at all. Nothing. He has continuously messed with your head whilst you’ve been in a very vulnerable situation.

Plan ahead for your birth and make sure you do not tell him when you go in labour. Don’t be fooled in to thinking he will be there to support you - he won’t and if you allow it and he doesn’t show it will really fuck with your head whilst your trying to push a baby out.

Don’t agree to nothing. It’s actually on him to start court proceedings to see his child. I’d honestly wait till you get a solicitor letter and this will buy you a few weeks. During which time you can have a lovely time smelling your baby and not having some prick texting you wasting your time and making you upset.

You owe him nothing.

If your breast feeding that baby doesn’t leave your side.

You miss him because your hormones are fucked and like I said before it’s instinct to want the other parent there for the baby. Don’t allow yourself to be trampled here, that guy is a cunt and he will probably treat his child like shit too

Protect yourself

Fucking hell. My ex threatened all sorts, including threats of violence if I got an abortion and suicide if I left him. I left ex and love dearly my now 16 year old son, but these fucking men who demand women have their child then give no financial support and continue to abuse are just horrendous.

Don't give in to him, don't give the baby his name, sees baby either not at all or in your presence for at least the first 6 months to a year, and no overnights at all unless trust, care, and financial support is in place after a year or so (ie. proof they love the actual child).
Any let downs or boundary pushing by him, just stop access and go through court for maintenance (do this anyway). Any visits to baby are on your terms, and with baby's wellbeing as priority.

So sorry you are going through this. If he steps a foot out of line I would get police involvement. Prick. I hate him on your behalf. Definitely get maintenance, just go through systems in place, rather then texts, phone calls etc.

Good luck. Boundary setting is so important for these types of men, and the best gift you can give your newborn is protection from him fucking you both around and causing stress.

No no no. None of it. Don't take that shit.

Tell them to take it to court if they are that bothered. It's your baby not a fucking commodity.

Look after yourselves xx don't let anyone push you around

All of the above @2ndtimemum2 but also - have you told your midwife about the abusive behaviour? Get it on record, and tell the hospital that if he turns up he's not to be admitted because of the abusive behaviour. Start a paper trail now, so that if he does bother to take you to court he can't present himself as a loving father bewildered by your behaviour.

Oh dear, you sound so stressed. First of all, you need to get it into your head that you're a single parent and that's a GOOD thing. You don't need this man, you don't need his mother. You just need your children.
Things to do:
Register the birth yourself, don't tell him when you do this.
Give the baby whatever names you choose, including the surname.
Don't not make any attempt to contact him or his mother, leave it up to him.
Block his mother's number if she begins to give you a hard time.
Block him and any of his friends/family from any social media.
Send him a photograph of the baby when it's born, with the date of birth, but only after years I've registered the birth (I believe you can do this in hospital)?
Contact CMS once the baby is born although don't expect any money from him!

DO NOT
Engage with this man, he will let you down time and time again, and therefore let down your baby too
Be intimidated by his threats
Be intimidated by his mother.
Let him or his mother have the baby unsupervised by yourself.
Take the baby to him.

I'm a great believer in both parents being involved in a child's life but this man has shown himself to be at best useless, at worst dangerous.

Thank you all for the advice..yes there is a large paper trail with my counsellor solicitor doctor and even the nurse in work. It pushed me.to.the edge of insanity...so one thing that could go against me is the fact that 2 weeks after he left my very good friend came to me and told me he was cheating on me...she didnt know the extent of it but she had a mutual friend with the other woman and she gave me the number of the other woman.

I rang the other woman and she was so lovely we chatted about what my ex was up to the poor girl knew nothing about me or my baby hed "forgotten" to mention his pregnant partner! She was such a lovely girl my heart broke for her she thought he was lovely they hadnt met up they'd only been texting but she got such a shock!!

Ex then told me I was horrible and childish for contacting the other woman!!

I went through similar when pregnant with Dd except the crazy Grandmother she's almost 11 now.

We tried Contact at my home so he could build up a relationship, this didn't work. We went to court and first contact was then at a contact centre once a fortnight, the staff there were great I didn't need to see him and they helped support with practical things like nappy changes etc. Then court moved it to little and often starting at an hour three times a week with an additional hour added on each Fortnight untill it was 9 am - 5pm. This carried on until Dd started school when we arranged once a week 3-6 after school and EOW. DD doesn't like sleeping over so instead she goes to his most Sundays unless she has a party or sports fixture. Now we remain flexible ish during school holidays, so he has been furloughed whilst I'm WFH so she has visited more.

Ultimately he was a terrible boyfriend, the first 3 years were rough lots of emotions and stress whilst sorting out contact but now I must say he does a good job as a dad.

My tips:

1. Always contact through txt or email on a dedicated phone so that you can keep the records but turn it off and ignore it too.
2. Put your name on the birth certificate, we double barrelled and I don't regret that and DD likes that she has a name which represents both families.
3. Sort maintenance out through the CSM or whatever it's called now. They review the amount yearly, are far superior (in my experience) to CSA and puts a middle man between you so you don't have to deal with finances.
4. Stock up on cheap basics to send DC off to their dads, you may lose them but better knowing they'll be comfy and you won't get annoyed if they come back stained. (Ex once left £25 next dungarees on the bus and I was super cross - I should have sent her in leggings then I wouldn't have been stressed)
5. Keep things in perspective, some of the things I lost sleep over and stressed about probably wouldn't have bothered me with subsequent children. With hindsight many of my stresses about what he did with Dd were very much because she was a PFB.

Also he was at the birth - I hadn't seen him in 6 months (he lived 200 miles away and moved here when DD was 3 months old). It was very awkward but I wanted it for Dd, there is a high correlation between fathers being present at birth and their continued involvement with the DC afterwards. He didn't attend scans etc and pretty much ignored the situation, in fact he hadn't seen me showing until the day before I gave birth as I had moved home (I had been at Uni with him).

I would have liked to invite him to the birth but twice he said he was going to scans and never showed up so I ended up at the scans alone and upset so I cant risk him doing that again and me being in the labour ward alone.

I'm glad it worked out that he was a great dad I'd love my little one to have a dad that wants to be around but my gut tells me hes too selfish and ultimately if hes not getting his own way he wont stick around. This is a guy who didnt go to his mates wedding cause it didnt suit him...if things arent on his terms he doesnt want to know

Keep those boundaries firm. He has let you down numerous times already. It's now on him to prove that he can visit his child when it's been arranged. If he lets you down or demands more, then no. Let him take you to court (if he can be arsed). As he didn't turn up for scans, he doesn't get the privilege of being invited to the birth. He'd only let you down again.

I didn't have great boundaries with DD dad. Basically he has paid no maintenance ever, even though I let him build a proper relationship with DS. The more boundaries you have, the more you see whether they will actually be or become a decent dad.