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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is this the way it will always be?

13 replies

harman · 10/10/2004 21:42

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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KBear · 10/10/2004 21:47

They have your love every day of the week and this is what they will remember when they grow up.

tammybear · 10/10/2004 21:47

i understand how you feel harman. my dd's birthday is 10 days before christmas so i cant afford a lot. im only getting her one present for each, and both presents come to about £10 altogether. But please dont think you're a crap parent. you're doing a brilliant job doing everything you're doing at the moment and doing a wonderful job with your children being able to provide them with a home, and with the fourth on the way too. xxx

October · 10/10/2004 21:49

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October · 10/10/2004 21:50

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Skate · 10/10/2004 21:51

Harman, what kids want is love and affection and your time and that's exactly what you're giving. Children are not as bothered about the number of presents they get as you think. They can never be a substitute for your time. You gave her a lovely day out and she'll remember that.

When we were kids, my Mum and Dad were really struggling (when I was born my dad was still at uni, and also when my brother was born) - we were loved, cuddled, laughed with but we didn't get big flash presents - they had 3 of us and couldn't afford it. I only know that now but was oblivious as a child because I was loved and happy.

My cousins lived with their Mum and used to get the most amazing presents from their Dad at Xmas but who do you think they spend all their time with now as adults - yep, their mother, because they had everything they needed from her and it wasn't stereos and tvs for Xmas.

Don't you worry.

Aero · 10/10/2004 22:09

Hi Harman - You are soooooo not a crappy parent - you are their primary carer and your kids love and need you soooooooo much.
Exp should have discussed with you what he was going to buy her for her birthday, but from all we know about him, it's no surprise that he didn't. It won't always be like this for you and you're doing really well with a load on your plate. You have lots of friends here and a bucketload of support. This should be a special time for you with a new baby due soon, but I know it probably doesn't feel that way at the moment. Try to concentrate on the things that matter though, and what exp buys as a present isn't really important. You're a great mum and you'll need all your strength to get you through these next few weeks and months, so worry not about exp - you're doing a brilliant job in rough circumstances, but things won't always be like this and one day you'll look back and be able to congratulate yourself for coming through this difficult patch in your life. You're a great girl H - please don't be so hard on yourself!

nightowl · 10/10/2004 22:35

dont feel bad harman..kids will always gravitate in the direction of presents but they always do realise thats not necessarily what makes for a happy life...and if it makes you feel any better, i was only telling someone the other day about a woman i know who bought her child very little for their birthday and spent all her money on fags amd booze. thats not you, you do your best, you're making your home nice for them and new babies cost a lot too! your kids will understand this...if not now then later on. dont be so hard on yourself, youre not a crappy parent at all xx

Amanda1 · 11/10/2004 08:10

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aloha · 11/10/2004 10:00

Your children are perfectly capable of loving you both. I don't necessarily think it is true to say your ex is being unreasonable in giving his kids a bike and a party (though I am sure he can be extremely unreasonable in other ways), and it gave them all pleasure. That can only be good. I honestly don't think most children 'compare and contrast' their parents like this. If they feel they can love their dad and their mum then this has to be the best outcome for them. We have much less money than my stepdaughter's mother and husband (her stinking rich stepfather) so it does happen the other way around, and my stepdaughter never feels less attached to her dad because our house is smaller etc. I honestly think that children never love one of their parents less because they get smaller presents! It's a really hard time for you at the moment and you are probably more emotional about these things because of all the stress and being pregnant. I'm sure it will seem better when your divorce (and the related money issues) is settled and the new baby is here and settled! Just think of it as saving you the cost of a bike!

Phoebe25 · 11/10/2004 12:50

Hello.

I've just discovered this fab site following the purchase of 'mums on pregnancy'. And at 36 weeks pregnant, better late than never!
I too am a single mum to be. I had a very regrettable drunken fling with someone at work & had to make some pretty quick decisions.
Unfortunately, the further the pregnancy has progressed, the more angry i feel with him. I cant quite believe that i will have to have contact with this man for the rest of my life!
It's wierd, because we never had a relationship to start with, i feel like i dont know him at all.I certainly dont feel like i want to hand over my child to him once a week but i know there's no choice involved. As much as i'd love to never clap eyes on him again, that wouldnt be fair to my child & the last thing i want is for them to feel stuck in the middle.
Isn't it criminal that the law has recently changed regarding paternal rights? If there name is on the birth certificate, they automatically get 50/50 parental responsibility. When im bringing the child up 365 days a year, why the hell should he get equal rights?!

Phew, feel better for that!

SofiaAmes · 11/10/2004 22:32

harman, I don't know your story at all, so this might be out of place, but what about talking with your ex about coordinating presents and parties. We are on relatively good terms with one of my dh's ex's (the other one is the evil mother from hell) and have more than once snuck her a bit of money (ie without telling dh's dd) so that she could do a proper party or give her a present that she couldn't quite afford. We would be more than happy to give dh's dd a joint present with the ex and put more than half the money in, but only get half the "credit" in his dd's eyes.

Original poster

harman · 12/10/2004 09:38

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aloha · 12/10/2004 10:53

Harman, then it seems you have done everyone in your family a favour by forcing him to be a better father to the children. Maybe he's finally realised that if he isn't going to lose them, he's going to have to shape up. In that case then you really have done your children a huge favour. It will all seem much less awful when you aren't in the middle of this terrible uncertainty, I'm sure. Anyone would feel a bit fragile in your position. Try not to take any of it personally and concentrate on yourself.

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