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Original poster

Ex wants to have more overnights

60 replies

Bleeelikeme · 12/02/2020 20:08

Nc for this.
ExH has DS (11) every other weekend, til 6:30pm on Sunday, up to twice a week after school til 7pm, and half holidays.
I’ve recently moved house and as a result exH now lives as close to DS’s new school as me (previously I lived 50 mins away from exH).
He’s now asking that instead of me picking DS up after midweek contacts and weekends, he drops DS off at school the following morning. So there’s no increase in frequency of contact as such (as he would be seeing him those days anyway) just more overnights.
I’ve refused as I like how things work right now but he’s said he wants to give it a go and if I keep refusing he will try mediation and ultimately court unless I agree to try it out. What are the chances of court agreeing with him? I am also aware I would lose either a lot or all child maintenance with more overnights, yes I know this shouldn’t be my reason to deny DS more overnights with dad but I do rely on that money.
ExH says it’s normal for the non resident parent to do morning drop offs at school if they live close enough - is this true??

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 12/02/2020 20:11

You’d lose 1/7th of the maintenance per night.

Would it not be easier for your DC if ex put them to bed after dinner? Rather than then travelling back to you at bedtime.

Your exes plan sounds totally reasonable. The money is a blow but that should not be your primary concern.

NorthernSpirit · 12/02/2020 20:13

The request sounds reasonable.

You stopping contact because you’ll loose maintenance is unreasonable

What’s best for the child?

PityParty4one · 12/02/2020 20:13

So you dont want his father to have him an extra night as you will lose money!!

Hes a child not a cash cow.

Bythebeach · 12/02/2020 20:16

What does your DS want? It doesn’t sound like you are putting his best interest at the heart of your decision making....

Blankscreen · 12/02/2020 20:16

I'm sorry but I think you are being totally.out of order.
He sounds like a decent dad who is jumping at the chance to have a more involved life with his child.

On the basis that he already has him over night and provides suitable acxomodation I can't see any reason why he could have him more over night.
And yes why can't his dad drop him to school.

I don't think a court would look favourably on you saying no.

Isitme55 · 12/02/2020 20:17

I don't understand why women on here think they have more right to a child than their ex does. What he's asking is completely reasonable.

Isitme55 · 12/02/2020 20:18

Do you know what it must feel like to have to ask someone to have more time with your child?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/02/2020 20:18

If he pays less maintenance will he start buying half the uniform, shoes, clothes, IT kit, dinner money, sports clubs, etc (assuming he only pays the minimum required)? If not they you have a right to worry about a change to your income.

In reality, what does your son want to do? If this ends up in court they will be interested in this.

wafflyversatile · 12/02/2020 20:19

His request is perfectly reasonable. If money is an issue and your relationship is ok maybe ask if he can keep the finances the same as your costs wont really go down.

Iliketonamechangealot9876542 · 12/02/2020 20:20

Court would agree your being unreasonable

Whynosnowyet · 12/02/2020 20:20

Who did the driving when you lived 50 miles away? If it was you what you lose in Cms you will save in fuel. Remember if he sleeps over ex will incur those extra expenses and you will save a bit. Food /gas /electricity etc.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 12/02/2020 20:23

YABU. Do what's best for your son rather than your pocket.

Original poster
Bleeelikeme · 12/02/2020 20:25

I know I know... but the other reason I’m reluctant is we’ve had this arrangement for about 5 years and it works. I don’t know if ExH will get DS to do his homework etc, which I know isn’t a good enough reason either but it’s reality. He hasn’t done a school run since we split 6 years ago. So basically if he did take me to court he’d get the extra overnights?
I haven’t asked DS as I don’t want to bring it up just yet, though apparently his dad has already. DS has had overnights for the last 5 years though so I can’t imagine he’d say no to more if the opportunity came up so yes DS would probably love it and therefore yes I should grant it but I’m just happy with things as they are.. I know I’m wrong but I can’t help how I feel. I know ExH misses DS but equally I hate the thought of having him around less. I know that’s unavoidable when parents split but I’m just really struggling with this.

OP posts:
Plantainchips · 12/02/2020 20:26

A court would agree with him.

Porkeypine · 12/02/2020 20:26

Yabu that’s ridiculous that ‘won’t allow’ him to have ds overnight because it would affect your maintenance.

Terrible way to think.

Your child is not your property, you don’t own them. Pretty sure a court would say 50:50 and quite rightly so!!

Plantainchips · 12/02/2020 20:27

Cross posted.
I’m glad you realise you’re in the wrong and I get it. Your son deserves to share those moments with his dad also. The only person who loses out is your son.

Original poster
Bleeelikeme · 12/02/2020 20:28

We did kind of half and half, handover was at the supermarket halfway between our houses. Handover now is going to be at either of our houses though with school drop offs I guess there wouldn’t be any handover apart from holidays.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2020 20:31

At 11 your son can start to take a little more responsibility for homework and this plan does sound sensible.

Can you up hours at work to make up the shortfall?

BlueBirdGreenFence · 12/02/2020 20:37

It's understandable to feel how you do but honestly OP you have two choices here: putting your or your child first. Be a great parent rather a mediocre one.

BobbyBlueCat · 12/02/2020 20:44

I think he sounds like the dad most of the shitshow families on here can only dream about.
And I think it's really sad that you're stopping this from happening.

You've said your son would love it. So that's the only reason you need to allow it.
Bollocks like "I don't know if he'd make him do his homework" are just that. Bollocks. You sit down like adults and discuss routines your son must abide with at both houses. And you stress to your son that if you hear from his school that he is late / homework is slipping etc, then he's at risk of losing those nights with dad.

And you "relying" on the money is an even worse excuse.
Get a night job on those evenings.
And stop relying on cash that was never a guarantee.

Isitme55 · 12/02/2020 21:01

It works for you...you're happy the way things are... Its not just about you though! You need to think of the other people in this situation and come to a compromise. Its really not fair to only think about you and your needs.

eeyore228 · 12/02/2020 21:06

It's not about you or your ex. You need to put you DS first. If you feel sad about having him around less, imagine how his dad feels. Maybe DS would like more time with his dad.

SimonJT · 12/02/2020 21:11

Your son comes first and you know that, if you refuse how will your son feel when he realises that you prevented increased contact with his Dad because you wanted a certain level of maintenance?

We always have to do things we don’t want to, putting them first is hard, but we have to do it.

Somerville · 12/02/2020 21:12

Does your XH understand that if he has DS overnight, he will be responsible for his care the next day, if, for example, he is unwell, or there's an inset day?

He also needs to be provide a set of uniform and a packed lunch/money for the day following his overnight. And DS will need to be organised, with having his school stuff spread between two houses as well as school locker, and do his homework wherever he's staying that night.

If he's really up for all that, and DS is keen, I think you should suggest him staying over 1 overnight a week initially. It's quite a big jump otherwise.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 12/02/2020 21:17

I think it's understandable that you are worried about the maintenance, if you rely on it to keep a roof over your heads. That doesn't mean you shouldn't consider this, just that if you are already under a lot of financial pressure it's understandable.

Would it make it easier for you to work more if your son was with his father for extra nights? Would you be willing to try his idea for one of the current visits and see how it goes for a few months? I think all at once might be too much, but you could meet him halfway and agree to one school drop off a week, to see how reliable he is and how much homework gets done.

Big changes in routine can be unsettling for some adults as well as children, but this could be a good thing for you. You could go out on his extra night, or take a class to improve your work prospects, or do some extra hours/get a second job. Your ex could have unwittingly handed you a whole new future!