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Original poster

Ex wants to have more overnights

60 replies

Bleeelikeme · 12/02/2020 20:08

Nc for this.
ExH has DS (11) every other weekend, til 6:30pm on Sunday, up to twice a week after school til 7pm, and half holidays.
I’ve recently moved house and as a result exH now lives as close to DS’s new school as me (previously I lived 50 mins away from exH).
He’s now asking that instead of me picking DS up after midweek contacts and weekends, he drops DS off at school the following morning. So there’s no increase in frequency of contact as such (as he would be seeing him those days anyway) just more overnights.
I’ve refused as I like how things work right now but he’s said he wants to give it a go and if I keep refusing he will try mediation and ultimately court unless I agree to try it out. What are the chances of court agreeing with him? I am also aware I would lose either a lot or all child maintenance with more overnights, yes I know this shouldn’t be my reason to deny DS more overnights with dad but I do rely on that money.
ExH says it’s normal for the non resident parent to do morning drop offs at school if they live close enough - is this true??

OP posts:
Heymacarana · 12/02/2020 21:24

Your ex’s plan sounds reasonable and shows he wants to be involved in his child’s life.

You need to put your own feelings aside and do what is best for the child, that is typically a good relationship and reasonable time with each parent, and the parents being amicable about arrangements for the child’s sake.

I wish my ex, who won’t allow any overnights despite my son begging her, could read these replies and do the right thing.

pumpkinpie01 · 12/02/2020 21:45

He sounds like a great dad who wants to be a big a part of his sons life as possible, that's a positive. I wish my ex had been like that , he had the dc 3 Saturday nights in 5 years as getting drunk was preferable to spending time with his dc. Be grateful your son feels loved by his dad, so many dc don't.

ChiaraRimini · 12/02/2020 21:49

I get where you are coming from re money -Has your ex said he will reduce maintenance?
If he is having DS more nights would he pay directly for more costs eg pocket money, school trips so you are not out of pocket?

Embracelife · 12/02/2020 21:53

Agree to the overnight.
No reason not too.
Ds will be at secondary and needs to be responsible for his own homework.
You need to start making plans to make your own money because in a few short years there wont be any child maintenance anyway.
You ll save money by not having to feed ds on those overnight stays

Ylvamoon · 12/02/2020 21:59

I think at 11 you will have to let your son decide. He has already sleepovers, so in reality it's not a big ask.
If your only worry is financial, I think you have to go with the flow. Maintenance will stop at some point anyway. Time for you to grow up and be truly independent.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 12/02/2020 22:00

I'm sorry but you are being immensely unreasonable.

My reply might sound harsh but...

None of the reasons you list are enough to refuse contact. You are being exceptionally selfish.

Why does your missing your ds trump his dad missing him?

You need to grow up and start putting your child first. Every single one of your reasons is about you not your child.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/02/2020 22:00

Financially - you'll have to find a way to earn the extra money you'll lose in maintenance. If you buy the lion's share of DS's clothes, uniform etc then renegotiate those expenses so that it's more equitable.
DS will need to be responsible for doing his own homework on those nights.

freeingNora · 12/02/2020 22:05

In principal I agree if your son wants to he should go but and it's a big but when you didn't agree the ex's response was to
Threaten you with court or mediation he also discussed this with your son first before you. That's triangulation and undermining your authority to draw boundaries with your son

You don't mention what sort of man he is, does he genuinely want to spend time with his son or does he want to screw you over financially

Do mediation anyway thrash out a new plan and move forward with your lives

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 12/02/2020 22:09

OP, may I ask if you are in receipt of tax credits? I was when DS was young and even going to 50/50 would have meant that the tax credits would stop and if so, I would need to up sticks and move to a bedsit which would had not been the best place for contact with his mother to take place.

Although children are not “money cows”, you need to think of contact three ways, if you only consider what the mother, father or child wants, it is very likely contact with either parent may be endangered, in most cases, it is in the best interests of the child that contact with both parents is actively protected by both parents.

Techway · 12/02/2020 22:48

@Bleeelikeme, why not suggest 1 night mid week as that is standard and would be a reasonable compromise. If it works you could move to 2 nights.

As your child gets older contact has to change to adapt to the child, it is likely that in 3-4 years it will change again, maybe to have less time at his dad. Go with a compromise and avoid court as uou are likely to lose and it will cost you a fortune.

Also work out the difference in cms, it really isn't that much. Also you could think positively of what you can do with a free night midweek.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/02/2020 23:05

I completely understand that losing maintenance is an issue and I'm not going to pull you up for being worried about that. Of course children aren't a cash cow Hmm but usually single parents who do most of the care have had to cut back on hours/careers/find housing that suits DCs/bills to match. It's OK to be worried about this changing.

It's not ok to refuse overnights on that basis, though.

You need to sit down and properly talk to your X - I actually think mediation wouldn't be a bad idea, the mediator will help you bring up things like uniform, lunch costs, what happens if DS is ill on X's 'day'. Welcome it.

As an aside, my DBro is in the middle of a really messy divorce and I am continually talking to him about this as an endgame - living arrangements that suit a child splitting their time between both homes happily. This could be an incredibly positive thing for your son.

nighttimetalk · 13/02/2020 10:23

More motivated by money rather than the fact your child has a father who actively wants to be part of his life more.
How awful.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 13/02/2020 10:27

he's being totally reasonable and its likely a court would agree with him.

this Does your XH understand that if he has DS overnight, he will be responsible for his care the next day, if, for example, he is unwell, or there's an inset day is not necessarily true, btw.

SD1978 · 13/02/2020 10:37

I think he'd be awarded it. To say you don't know if he's do homework- he'd have more time to do homework if not flirting between houses on the same day. Is he asking for two extra nights every week? Would would the percentages of care/time be? I think to be honest, you will as long as your son wants it, have this awarded to some degree. It works for you and you need the money isn't enough. You could get a job, a second job or something on the days/times he's at his dads. I'd advise you open the discussion- because court is expected dive and you'll be expected to compromise- especially if your son wants it

WooMaWang · 13/02/2020 10:51

You might find that it's much better for your DS to have less traveling between homes. It must be very disruptive for him to be moving around so much, especially as it's near an hour between your houses.

Imagine regularly being picked up from school and driven to a house 25 minutes away for a few hours. Then being driven to a supermarket 25 mins away, handed over and driven another 25 mins to another house (presumably to go to sleep). Surely it would be far better for your DS to be picked up, stay with his dad for the night and dropped off again at school the next day.

I agree that mediation would he very useful to talk through the issues. But your ex is definitely not being unreasonable in this request.

angell84 · 14/02/2020 23:46

You are putting yourself first, not your child.

I also want to give you the child's view in this. You have all the power right now, because you are big and the child is small. But the child will eventually grow up, and be will remember.

Neither me nor my brother speak to my mother at all, because she stopped us from seeing our father so many times.

We rembered that she was selfish and hurt us, and neither of us want anything to do with her now, because of the pain she caused.

Just a reminder that your child will grow up and remember what you did. So choose in his best interests

angell84 · 14/02/2020 23:48

You are putting yourself first, not your child.

I also want to give you the child's view in this. You have all the power right now, because you are big and the child is small. But the child will eventually grow up, and he will remember.

Neither me nor my brother speak to my mother at all, now we are adults, because she stopped us from seeing our father so many times.

We rembered that she was selfish and that she hurt us, and neither of us want anything to do with her now, because of the pain she caused.

Just a reminder that your child will grow up and he will remember what you did. So choose in his best interests

everybodyshowlove2020 · 14/02/2020 23:58

Has no one realised it's a reversal yet?
The same details were put on stepparenting by the ex's dp.

No RP would right that and also say he's a good dad.

Frankola · 15/02/2020 21:15

I'm sorry but you're utterly disgraceful for keeping your ex from having extra nights because your maintenance money comes down...

I'm honestly appalled

SD1978 · 16/02/2020 04:22

It's a reverse. This is the father- giving his side, and hoping for a pile on- which he got (sadly myself included to an extent) he's out it done to financial. Now just looks like a creepy manipulative fucker and I'd like to hear the other side........

angell84 · 16/02/2020 04:57

What is a reverse?

SD1978 · 16/02/2020 05:38

@angell84 a reverse is when someone comes on pretending to be the other person- and making up a story- usually showing what an unreasonable and selfish shit that person is: so in this case- it's not the mother saying I'm a grabbing lazy fucking bitch who is denying my child time with their father.......it's the father pretending to be the mother. So being a sneaky, manipulative shit, probably so they can throw is back in the mums face that Mumsnet agrees you're a bitch.......basically they don't have the balls to post as themselves as they hope to be able to use and intimidate their (usually) ex with goes of peoples opinions based on the way they've written it.

midsummabreak · 16/02/2020 05:55

From child's wellbeing point of viiew I think Somerville makes a good point. Your child will be feeling like he's always travelling, and that there can always be changes in howlong he gets to stay at his destination, otgerwise. Good idea to say yes, lets ease him into one night a week and make it a Mon or Fri so less travelling to and fro? Aiming for similar routines with lunch, mealtimes after school relaxation time , homework time, and bedtimes could greatly ease transition if possible?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/02/2020 06:10

Allow the change informally and see if there is any effect on your child's grades or behavior. If either change for the worse then stop the overnights. If your ex takes it to court then, you have evidence that you tried to be reasonable but it was detrimental to the welfare of your child.

Original poster
Bleeelikeme · 16/02/2020 07:56

Lol doubt my ExH even knows mumsnet exists! Although thanks for calling me a grabbing lazy bitch. I’m a single mum in receipt of child maintenance and already work and genuinely am concerned about finances and wanted to know if he would actually get this if he went to court.
I have looked on step parenting out of interest and can’t see the other thread?!

OP posts:
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