My ex has blocked my claim for CB. Things are getting worse.

[malgrat78]

Good morning. I have posted on Mumsnet several times on the relationship board. Sorry if I am becoming a nuisance. I find this site & people of great help.

Basically I am a father of a 12 year old boy & I have taken full custody of him due to welfare concerns. His mum moved in a guy who was allegedly on a methadone treatment plan but now I am reliably informed that he is back on drugs including crack cocaine. I have been told of cars dropping drugs off & his mum is struggling with money. Originally he stayed with me 1 night per week. Then he wanted to stay more as he was finding it difficult at his mum's. I moved to a bigger home so he had his own bedroom & was close to his new High School. He then wanted to stay with me more often so it got to 4 nights per week. His mum was perfectly fine with this until I mentioned that I would have to reduce the Child Maintenance. The Child Maintenance arrangement was that I would pay all her utility bills. I gave her 3 months notice & she said if I reduced the maintenance she wouldn't be able to afford to live. I tried explaining that the more my son stays with me the less I can afford to pay her & in theory the less she should need to live on. Looking back I can see that little money was getting spent on my son & I was still paying for his clothes, haircuts, holidays etc.

I believe his mum could be using drugs too. She has always been very manipulative 7 constantly lies to the point that my Son started noticing. She has not helped herself at all over the past Year. Some of my son's PS4 games went missing, his cat was killed by her boyfriends dog & other various things that have all just upset my son.

Social services have been involved & they confirmed to me that the guy she is living with is a known drug user but they couldn't do anything other than suggest that I don't let my son be in that environment which I haven't for 2 months now.

I offered my son's mum mediation which she said she didn't want. I wrote up a parental plan which she didn't sign. Last week she phoned me up very angry saying that all her benefits have been cut & she is no longer entitled to a 2 bed house from the council. She blamed me as I was told by the Child Maintenance Service to apply for child benefit, which I did. She is saying that because I have done this it has informed other departments. She said that she was going to inform the housing benefit agency & I think DWP that my son stays there 2 nights per week which is obviously not true. I said that if she does this I will not lie for her.

On Friday I received a letter from HMRC stating that my Child Benefit application has been contested as there is someone else trying to claim. I am not surprised by this to be honest & I do not need the money however, I am more annoyed that she has been dishonest & is taking money away from our son. If I had of been on low income or out of work I may have needed this money to help with my son. I have to send proof in to them to prove that my son lives with me. I have no idea how I can do this? I have changed his doctors to my address & I did speak to his school so maybe I can contact them.

I am considering seeing a solicitor as this is all getting out of hand now. My son is just getting upset every time she phones him. She keeps phoning up when I am not there & crying on the phone & basically trying to emotionally black mail him to the point that my son doesn't want to speak to her. All the phone calls are cantered around trying to get him to change his mind about not wanting to be there. She has even asked him if he would go back if she got rid of her boyfriend which I think is extremely inappropriate to ask a 12 year old child.

He hasn't seen his mum for almost 2 weeks because she given excuses but having said that it maybe for the best anyway. I limited his time to visit her to 2 hours on a Tuesday & 2 on a Sunday.

My son doesn't want to be there & I feel that his mum's house is just so bad for his mental, emotional health as well as not been safe.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am considering leaving the child benefit as I do not need the money but what I am worried about is that who ever claims CB is said to be the primary carer. I obviously do not want this for his own safety. Should I just see a solicitor for a free consultation?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry your DS is going through this. He's lucky he has one parent prioritising him.
I think you should see a solicitor, I think you should do whatever you have to do to make your child feel safe and secure again.
Get everything legally binding so that your DS can live his life happily knowing she isn't just going to show up and try and take him back.
If your son is at high school he's old enough to make decisions for himself, you need to listen and respect them and fight for him.
Like you say it's highly likely she's on drugs now too and it's not a safe environment.
Good luck, she will probably fight dirty but at this point I suspect it's only for the money not for you son.

Just call the CB office and explain the situation. She will have to prove he is living with her to claim. We have just been through exactly the same thing.

Just ring them and explain as you have here about the situation or write them a letter with the same content above explaining everything.
Good Luck OP

Keep the claim up, you may not need the money now but things change. Save the money, your son may need it for something or therapy at this rate.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Just call the CB office and explain the situation. She will have to prove he is living with her to claim. We have just been through exactly the same thing.

I phoned them on Friday evening. They said all I can do is send proof in such as a letter from his GP, Social Services or hospital. I have phoned my GP who said they do not supply proof of address & Social services also declined to help as they closed the case as my son was in no immediate danger plus he is living with me now so they no longer need to be involved. I have emailed his school asking if they can confirm in writing that he is down as living with me & I await their reply.

Hi mother has no problem in being dishonest so I wouldn't be surprised if she is now doing what she can to obtain something with my son's name & her address on. I am dealing with someone who is driven by money & has no problem at all lying to get it.

@MsPepperPotts

Just ring them and explain as you have here about the situation or write them a letter with the same content above explaining everything.
Good Luck OP

I did phone them & they just said that I had to send proof in which I am struggling to obtain. I also have a form to fill out where I have put that he stays with me 7 nights. Apparently his mum will have been sent the same form & will also need to send proof. However, his mum is determined not to lose her 2 bed council house entitlement so she is going to lie on this form. She has already told me that she is going to say that my son stays there on a weekend. This is what I am up against. Someone who has no problem in been deceitful.

@Disfordarkchocolatedis

Keep the claim up, you may not need the money now but things change. Save the money, your son may need it for something or therapy at this rate.

Yes good point. Regarding therapy. I am going to see my GP & ask them for some advice regarding this.

You need to get that money imo, whether you need it or not it’s for your son, not her. Even if you put it in a bank account for him there’ll be a nice lump sum towards uni/a house deposit/car in the future. I wouldn’t completely stress yourself out about it though. Of course she’ll fight dirty because right now she’s being enabled her easy lifestyle by claiming of her son. When this gets sorted she’ll be forced to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for herself. That may be a win win situation as she may step up to be a better mother. You’re your sons advocate right now. Don’t let his money enable his mum and her druggy boyfriends continue freeloading off him

As for proof I’m sure that they come across this with practically every claim they deal with. Just give them what you can and go from there

@Raphael34

You need to get that money imo, whether you need it or not it’s for your son, not her. Even if you put it in a bank account for him there’ll be a nice lump sum towards uni/a house deposit/car in the future. I wouldn’t completely stress yourself out about it though. Of course she’ll fight dirty because right now she’s being enabled her easy lifestyle by claiming of her son. When this gets sorted she’ll be forced to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility for herself. That may be a win win situation as she may step up to be a better mother. You’re your sons advocate right now. Don’t let his money enable his mum and her druggy boyfriends continue freeloading off him

I am more upset that she is not taking money away from me but her own Son. I am trying not to stress as his welfare is more of a concern at the moment than the money & the phone calls he keeps receiving off of her that are upsetting him. Yeah she will fight dirty you are totally right. I think because I have been paying all her utility bills for over 7 years she has got very used to this & now she is finding it very difficult. However, I believe a big chunk of her money is going on other things which it shouldn't be & I was helping to support this. Now I have removed this support she is trying to do what she can to get it back including manipulating my son with emotional blackmail. He notices all this & it upsets him which is just an horrible thing for a child to go through. He has even threatened to block her number if she doesn't stop upsetting him when she phones. When she last saw him she said to him "you're killing me you are". She cannot see her part in any of this & isn't willing to step up as a mother & put her child first.

You might even need it for fighting future battles with his mum

Social services also declined to help as they closed the case as my son was in no immediate danger plus he is living with me now so they no longer need to be involved.

Right, then under GDPR you are entitled to request a copy of all of the information they hold on you. I think it's called a Subject Access Request. If you do that then they are legally obliged to send you a copy of his case notes (I think they can charge a small admin fee) and that should be the evidence you need. Same with GP and with school if they don't want to play ball. Any neighbours you get on with that you can ask for a short reference from, saying that your son lives there?

@TheLittleBrownFox

You might even need it for fighting future battles with his mum

Good point actually!

Right, then under GDPR you are entitled to request a copy of all of the information they hold on you. I think it's called a Subject Access Request. If you do that then they are legally obliged to send you a copy of his case notes (I think they can charge a small admin fee) and that should be the evidence you need. Same with GP and with school if they don't want to play ball. Any neighbours you get on with that you can ask for a short reference from, saying that your son lives there?

Ah right ok thanks for that info. I do have a neighbour who see's my son regularly. I could maybe ask them. I am waiting to see what the school come back with. I can't believe how difficult it is to prove that he lives with me.

Yes, definitely see a solicitor.

However, may I suggest that you approach the solicitor telling them that your number 1 aim is to keep hold of your son and that, although you won't be dishonest to any agencies, as far as you're concerned the money is far down the list of priorities.

I only say this as I am concerned that putting your foot down in cutting child support/ claiming child benefit you may provoke her into a full blown custody battle in which she could get formal custody to some degree?

Essentially, in your situation I think my approach would be to rock the boat as little as possible if she's willing to allow your son to live with you full time, even to the extent of paying her money you absolutely don't owe and that it is grossly unfair for you to have to pay (obviously discuss the consequences of doing this with a solicitor first). It would stick in my craw (as I am usually all about putting my foot down and what's fair!) but if that ended up being the cost of providing a safe and stable home for my child, I would do it.

So sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a nightmare.

Has his address been updated with his GP, school, dentist, opticians? Has he had anything delivered from Amazon?

@AxeOfKindness

However, may I suggest that you approach the solicitor telling them that your number 1 aim is to keep hold of your son and that, although you won't be dishonest to any agencies, as far as you're concerned the money is far down the list of priorities

Definitely & the money is far down the list of priorities. I could in theory claim child maintenance from her if I was that way inclined but I do not need the money from her. The main reason for me in applying for Child benefit was that it appears to be the defining thing which decides who the primary carer is.

I only say this as I am concerned that putting your foot down in cutting child support/ claiming child benefit you may provoke her into a full blown custody battle in which she could get formal custody to some degree?

I do not think that she would try to go for a custody battle for a few reasons. Firstly my son doesn't want to be there so the court would listen to him as he is 12. Secondly she has too many things such as drug taking that she knows would get brought up. I have so much evidence that I could provide if it was to get messy.

Essentially, in your situation I think my approach would be to rock the boat as little as possible if she's willing to allow your son to live with you full time, even to the extent of paying her money you absolutely don't owe and that it is grossly unfair for you to have to pay (obviously discuss the consequences of doing this with a solicitor first). It would stick in my craw (as I am usually all about putting my foot down and what's fair!) but if that ended up being the cost of providing a safe and stable home for my child, I would do it.

All I have done so far is stop the child maintenance because paying that plus having full care of my son would have resulted in me struggling. Do you think I should just let her claim the CB then? As I say I don't need the £20 a week but she will still be down as the main carer which could maybe jeopardize any future custody battles if it did get messy, mind you as I say I don't think it would get to legal position unless I escalate things. She as already said that she doesn't want mediation. She actually pleaded with me not to apply for it & specifically asked that I didn't involve the courts or anything legal.

@Disfordarkchocolate

Has his address been updated with his GP, school, dentist, opticians? Has he had anything delivered from Amazon?

I have changed his doctors to mine. I went to see his School to tell them & I have just sent them an email asking them to confirm. DS has also told his school that he lives with me. He hasn't had anything delivered to my address.

I think you should fight it to make sure she’s not listed as main carer in any way. Write down a plan following the advice on this thread - get a signed statement from neighbour, ask school etc, and check it with a solicitor (before doing the plan as they may have suggestions eg on what the neighbours comments should cover). From here on take a photo of your son entering school daily or similar so by the time it gets heard you’ve added evidence?

I agree with those that said ring CB office.

That money is not the mothers and even if you dont need it you can save/invest for university, first car/insurance, first home deposit etc.

Also strongly recommending going to a solicitory and thru the courts so everything is very clear to everyone.

I would also look into formalising the child arrangements with a court order naming you as resident parent at least and also address the area of decision making. This could also address contact as that does not sound a suitable environment for your child at what is a vulnerable age.

You have also named your DC in the last message you might want to report your post and or get MN to edit for you

You do need to be wary of anything getting back to his Mum regarding where you are posting info etc

Oh glad to hear it, OP. Yes if it's a main carer thing then I can doubly see why you want it sorted. Just thought I'd flag it as I wouldn't want you to get down the line on a point of principle and find that you ended up in a worse position than you started re contact (which is the most important thing to you).

Just thought it might be worth a word with the solicitor about the risks on that score as it ties in with the money situation. Certainly didn't mean to imply that you're unreasonable to want/need the financial benefits you're entitled to.

@raphael34 practically every claim they deal with I beg your pardon?!?!?

You do realise that child benefit is family allowance don't you? That everyone under the earnings threshold (about 60k) is entitled to this don't you?

How dare you stereotype like that!!!

Would recommend requesting an amendment of your previous post OP, your son’s name is in it.

100% what previous posters have said - it’s not about whether you need it - it’s specifically to go towards your son’s needs. If she doesn’t have him, it’s not hers to claim.

@timeisnotaline

I think you should fight it to make sure she’s not listed as main carer in any way. Write down a plan following the advice on this thread - get a signed statement from neighbour, ask school etc, and check it with a solicitor (before doing the plan as they may have suggestions eg on what the neighbours comments should cover). From here on take a photo of your son entering school daily or similar so by the time it gets heard you’ve added evidence?

This was my main reason for applying for CB so it was clear that my son was living with me & to keep him safe. Some very good idea's here. I can get a pic of him leaving home each morning but not entering the school. Also, I have signed his planner each week. Not sure If this could be of use?

OP you've mentioned your son's name in your last post. As it's fairly unique I would report that post and ask for it to be edited

You’ve got your son’s name in your last post, you might like to ask Mumsnet to remove that for safety