My ex has blocked my claim for CB. Things are getting worse.

[malgrat78]

Good morning. I have posted on Mumsnet several times on the relationship board. Sorry if I am becoming a nuisance. I find this site & people of great help.

Basically I am a father of a 12 year old boy & I have taken full custody of him due to welfare concerns. His mum moved in a guy who was allegedly on a methadone treatment plan but now I am reliably informed that he is back on drugs including crack cocaine. I have been told of cars dropping drugs off & his mum is struggling with money. Originally he stayed with me 1 night per week. Then he wanted to stay more as he was finding it difficult at his mum's. I moved to a bigger home so he had his own bedroom & was close to his new High School. He then wanted to stay with me more often so it got to 4 nights per week. His mum was perfectly fine with this until I mentioned that I would have to reduce the Child Maintenance. The Child Maintenance arrangement was that I would pay all her utility bills. I gave her 3 months notice & she said if I reduced the maintenance she wouldn't be able to afford to live. I tried explaining that the more my son stays with me the less I can afford to pay her & in theory the less she should need to live on. Looking back I can see that little money was getting spent on my son & I was still paying for his clothes, haircuts, holidays etc.

I believe his mum could be using drugs too. She has always been very manipulative 7 constantly lies to the point that my Son started noticing. She has not helped herself at all over the past Year. Some of my son's PS4 games went missing, his cat was killed by her boyfriends dog & other various things that have all just upset my son.

Social services have been involved & they confirmed to me that the guy she is living with is a known drug user but they couldn't do anything other than suggest that I don't let my son be in that environment which I haven't for 2 months now.

I offered my son's mum mediation which she said she didn't want. I wrote up a parental plan which she didn't sign. Last week she phoned me up very angry saying that all her benefits have been cut & she is no longer entitled to a 2 bed house from the council. She blamed me as I was told by the Child Maintenance Service to apply for child benefit, which I did. She is saying that because I have done this it has informed other departments. She said that she was going to inform the housing benefit agency & I think DWP that my son stays there 2 nights per week which is obviously not true. I said that if she does this I will not lie for her.

On Friday I received a letter from HMRC stating that my Child Benefit application has been contested as there is someone else trying to claim. I am not surprised by this to be honest & I do not need the money however, I am more annoyed that she has been dishonest & is taking money away from our son. If I had of been on low income or out of work I may have needed this money to help with my son. I have to send proof in to them to prove that my son lives with me. I have no idea how I can do this? I have changed his doctors to my address & I did speak to his school so maybe I can contact them.

I am considering seeing a solicitor as this is all getting out of hand now. My son is just getting upset every time she phones him. She keeps phoning up when I am not there & crying on the phone & basically trying to emotionally black mail him to the point that my son doesn't want to speak to her. All the phone calls are cantered around trying to get him to change his mind about not wanting to be there. She has even asked him if he would go back if she got rid of her boyfriend which I think is extremely inappropriate to ask a 12 year old child.

He hasn't seen his mum for almost 2 weeks because she given excuses but having said that it maybe for the best anyway. I limited his time to visit her to 2 hours on a Tuesday & 2 on a Sunday.

My son doesn't want to be there & I feel that his mum's house is just so bad for his mental, emotional health as well as not been safe.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am considering leaving the child benefit as I do not need the money but what I am worried about is that who ever claims CB is said to be the primary carer. I obviously do not want this for his own safety. Should I just see a solicitor for a free consultation?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance.

Another idea might be for your son to speak to CB himself? I don't know if it would be sufficient but it can't hurt 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Shesalittlemadam
@Hulahoopqueen
@RB68

Thank you. I have reported the post.

Did you get the little yellow medical card when you registered him with the GP? It would show which Gp he is registered with and his current address. If not you could try and request one from them?

You've got his name included a few posts back, you may wish to get it edited it as not the most common of names

@beseen19

I didn't get anything from my GP. I have phoned them this morning & they have said that he is definitely registered at my address however they are unable to provide proof!

I have just received an email from his school happy to supply proof. His teacher is asking if it would be ok in an email or a letter & what would I like it to say?

You've got his name included a few posts back, you may wish to get it edited it as not the most common of names

Thank you. I reported it & I think it has been changed now.

I have just received an email from his school happy to supply proof. His teacher is asking if it would be ok in an email or a letter & what would I like it to say? Any suggestions please as to which would be preferred & what should the email / letter say?

@LunchBoxPolice

You’ve got your son’s name in your last post, you might like to ask Mumsnet to remove that for safety

Thank you. I reported it.

I would ask for a letter headed letter you can then scan onto email if needed.

@sexandthecityagain

I would ask for a letter headed letter you can then scan onto email if needed.

Yes I agree that would be better. Which of the following statements do you think would be better or could you suggest an alternative?

Dear Mr XXXXX
Please accept this letter as confirmation that we have XXXX permanent address on our records as:
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX

Or

Dear Mr XXXXX
Please accept this letter as conformation of the change of XXXX permanent address to the following:
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX

The one reading "permanent address".

Apologies!!! The first one I think.

I would also go back to SS and demand (if you need to) that they give you something in writing.
I have adopted, and find SS will do the bear minimum, but if pushed they will provide what you need. You just have to keep pushing and not let it go.

@QueenOfOversharing

Apologies!!! The first one I think.

Thank you.

You could also open a child bank account in his name and have your address for the statements/correspondence.

@favtimeofyear

I would also go back to SS and demand (if you need to) that they give you something in writing. I have adopted, and find SS will do the bear minimum, but if pushed they will provide what you need. You just have to keep pushing and not let it go

Ok I think I shall give them a call again. I contacted Social services with my concerns & then they contacted me a couple of weeks later with a further development. I have had nothing in writing & I was told this morning that the case was closed. Surely, if this was to go to court or I was to involve a solicitor they would require more information from Social services in writing? If so then surely I should be able to obtain written information which they hold on file? Do I simply ask for the case report via letter?

I was in similar circumstances. I emailed my MP and had CB within a week after ten weeks of fighting about it with CB.
I did in fact get ds 14 to write a letter himself(to CB) as it was him suffering financially...
I included receipts /utility bills for our address /copies of Dr registration forms.
Screen shots of school dinner receipts online. Anything that shows you are financially supporting you dc.
Phone top ups. Anything and everything!!
Send recorded delivery with a letter..

@PlanDeRaccordement

You could also open a child bank account in his name and have your address for the statements/correspondence

Good idea & I was wanting to open an account for him anyway. Also, I have to change the address for his Childs Trust Fund from when he was born. His mum gave me his statement at the beginning of the year so I could contact them.

Try and get an email for the case worker and keep on at them. If not call the local authority who dealt with it. And keep calling, daily if you have to.
I found an email every couple of days helped, and in the end they would respond to me within 24 hours!

Your DS’s name is still in your post at 11.44. I reported it a good while ago, but maybe someone else want to have a try?

Hello @malgrat78, how are you both?

@Disfordarkchocolate

Hello @malgrat78, how are you both?

Thank you for asking.

Well where do I start! For a short while I thought things were getting better & his mum had finally realised that maybe having this guy around wasn't the best idea. I was told just before Christmas that she had kicked him out & had gone to stay with her older daughter for a week while things blow over. My Son saw her on Christmas eve for an hour away from the home. Over Christmas my ex's daughter messaged me to tell me she had kicked her mum out because she had found out that she had been going to see the ex boyfriend. My ex's excuse was that she didn't want to be lonely. My ex then went to stay at her mums for a week & then at her sisters. Before all this & after my post the boyfriend had been admitted to hospital for chest problems. I was then reliably informed that he was admitted with pneumonia caused from smoking crack cocaine! So it has been quite an eventful end to 2019 to say the least!

My ex moved back to her house & I heard that her ex got into her house & stole some of the furniture. I thought well it must be definitely over between them now. But no! I have had reports of him been back there again with her.

Due to all of this I have not allowed my son to go any where near her house & he hasn't seen her since Christmas eve. But also he doesn't want to see her & now refuses to talk to her on the phone. Every time he answered the phone it was never to ask how he was but always cantered around what she wanted.

Her older daughter also told me that she didn't think that my son, her brother, was safe in that house.

Regarding the child benefit. I sent off proof from his school & hospital that he lives with me & I was awarded the child benefit just before Christmas. However, I have a feeling that she has tried to stop this again. She moved on Monday into a smaller 2 bed Council house & I have no idea how she has managed this when I do not think she is entitled to a 2 bed house now that our son lives with me.

So basically as things stand my son hasn't & doesn't want to see his mum. She has lied on numerous occasions about kicking this guy out but doesn't look like it lasts. Also, my son received a voice message on his mobile from an unknown number which sounded extremely like my ex's boyfriend. The message wasn't clear but it was enough to frighten my son. I told his mum about this message but she said it wouldn't have been her boyfriend, so basically defending him. This is another reason why I am keeping my son away from her home.

My first thought that it was lucky for your son that he moved in with you when he did. So much instability would have been extremely difficult at his age, even if no contact is upsetting for him at some point.

All you can do, as I know you know, is offer him stability and love as he works through this.

@Disfordarkchocolate

My first thought that it was lucky for your son that he moved in with you when he did. So much instability would have been extremely difficult at his age, even if no contact is upsetting for him at some point.

Yes, I cannot bear to think of the stuff he would have had to see & experience if I hadn't of had him moved in with me. For the last few months he has had a good stable life & I intend on keeping it that way now. His mum doesn't appear to be making any effort to change things nor will she accept that what has happened has been horrible for our son.

Have you told the council about your son no longer living with her ? I would

@gingerchaos

Have you told the council about your son no longer living with her ? I would

This did cross my mind to be honest. There are people out there in need of a 2 bed house. She told me a while back when her benefits were been investigated that she was going to inform the relevant departments that my son staid there on a weekend so that she could keep the 2 bed entitlements.

To be honest I'd take steps to make sure I got the income and benefits I was entitled to and leave everything else to her conscious. This way you focus on your son and not his mother and no one can say you had any other motive to your actions.