My ex has blocked my claim for CB. Things are getting worse.

[malgrat78]

Good morning. I have posted on Mumsnet several times on the relationship board. Sorry if I am becoming a nuisance. I find this site & people of great help.

Basically I am a father of a 12 year old boy & I have taken full custody of him due to welfare concerns. His mum moved in a guy who was allegedly on a methadone treatment plan but now I am reliably informed that he is back on drugs including crack cocaine. I have been told of cars dropping drugs off & his mum is struggling with money. Originally he stayed with me 1 night per week. Then he wanted to stay more as he was finding it difficult at his mum's. I moved to a bigger home so he had his own bedroom & was close to his new High School. He then wanted to stay with me more often so it got to 4 nights per week. His mum was perfectly fine with this until I mentioned that I would have to reduce the Child Maintenance. The Child Maintenance arrangement was that I would pay all her utility bills. I gave her 3 months notice & she said if I reduced the maintenance she wouldn't be able to afford to live. I tried explaining that the more my son stays with me the less I can afford to pay her & in theory the less she should need to live on. Looking back I can see that little money was getting spent on my son & I was still paying for his clothes, haircuts, holidays etc.

I believe his mum could be using drugs too. She has always been very manipulative 7 constantly lies to the point that my Son started noticing. She has not helped herself at all over the past Year. Some of my son's PS4 games went missing, his cat was killed by her boyfriends dog & other various things that have all just upset my son.

Social services have been involved & they confirmed to me that the guy she is living with is a known drug user but they couldn't do anything other than suggest that I don't let my son be in that environment which I haven't for 2 months now.

I offered my son's mum mediation which she said she didn't want. I wrote up a parental plan which she didn't sign. Last week she phoned me up very angry saying that all her benefits have been cut & she is no longer entitled to a 2 bed house from the council. She blamed me as I was told by the Child Maintenance Service to apply for child benefit, which I did. She is saying that because I have done this it has informed other departments. She said that she was going to inform the housing benefit agency & I think DWP that my son stays there 2 nights per week which is obviously not true. I said that if she does this I will not lie for her.

On Friday I received a letter from HMRC stating that my Child Benefit application has been contested as there is someone else trying to claim. I am not surprised by this to be honest & I do not need the money however, I am more annoyed that she has been dishonest & is taking money away from our son. If I had of been on low income or out of work I may have needed this money to help with my son. I have to send proof in to them to prove that my son lives with me. I have no idea how I can do this? I have changed his doctors to my address & I did speak to his school so maybe I can contact them.

I am considering seeing a solicitor as this is all getting out of hand now. My son is just getting upset every time she phones him. She keeps phoning up when I am not there & crying on the phone & basically trying to emotionally black mail him to the point that my son doesn't want to speak to her. All the phone calls are cantered around trying to get him to change his mind about not wanting to be there. She has even asked him if he would go back if she got rid of her boyfriend which I think is extremely inappropriate to ask a 12 year old child.

He hasn't seen his mum for almost 2 weeks because she given excuses but having said that it maybe for the best anyway. I limited his time to visit her to 2 hours on a Tuesday & 2 on a Sunday.

My son doesn't want to be there & I feel that his mum's house is just so bad for his mental, emotional health as well as not been safe.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am considering leaving the child benefit as I do not need the money but what I am worried about is that who ever claims CB is said to be the primary carer. I obviously do not want this for his own safety. Should I just see a solicitor for a free consultation?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance.

@Disfordarkchocolate

To be honest I'd take steps to make sure I got the income and benefits I was entitled to and leave everything else to her conscious. This way you focus on your son and not his mother and no one can say you had any other motive to your actions.

My main priority was getting the child benefit in my name which then makes me the main carer & will give me & my son some added security. In theory I could claim for Child Maintenance from her but I am not going to do this. However, she hasn't contributed anything towards her son's upkeep for a few months now. Luckily I do not need the money & I can support him adequately. The Child Benefit I now receive will be used for his school meals & any other things that he needs.

You are correct & I am trying not to get into anything that doesn't concern my son. What my ex does now isn't my concern especially as she has little contact with our son now.

No comment, just wanted to say it's great you're looking out for your son. Also, if he has a cellphone you might want to get him a new number so his mother can't call him and upset him. If she wants to communicate with him she can call you.

As for her paying no support - not that she could afford it, from what you said - that may be a good thing as if there's ever a custody battle you can show she never contributed to your son's upkeep.

I do feel sorry for your son's half-sister though !

I would be seeking advice from a solicitor and getting a residency order. Unless he lives with her, she'll lose her two bedrooms anyway. Two nights a week is not going to entitle her to an extra bedroom. What an awful situation for your son. I would be pushing to keep her as far away as possible, and I don't say that lightly, as a child needs two parents, but realistically, she is offering him nothing but trauma.

@Malyshek

No comment, just wanted to say it's great you're looking out for your son. Also, if he has a cellphone you might want to get him a new number so his mother can't call him and upset him. If she wants to communicate with him she can call you.

Thank you. There were more developments over the weekend. I had several messages from my ex's side of the family telling me that I should keep my son away from her house because they have found out that she has been selling things for drugs & she has also lied to her elderly Mother about been mugged so that her Mother would send her some money. I was also told that she is definitely back living with this guy & he was seen smoking crack cocaine when a relative called round. I had 3 separate family members tell me this.

On Saturday morning my Son was looking upset so I had a talk with him. He said that he wanted to block his mum's number. Previously I was slightly against this but from the other developments over the weekend & the fact that any contact from her just upsets him, I allowed him to do it.

@delilahbucket

I would be seeking advice from a solicitor and getting a residency order. Unless he lives with her, she'll lose her two bedrooms anyway. Two nights a week is not going to entitle her to an extra bedroom. What an awful situation for your son. I would be pushing to keep her as far away as possible, and I don't say that lightly, as a child needs two parents, but realistically, she is offering him nothing but trauma.

At the moment I am not allowing any contact with her especially after further developments over the weekend. Any contact with her is very unhealthy. I am down as the main carer & my address are now on his records. She would have to seek legal advice if she wants anything to change & I am more than certain that she is not going to do this. She knows that she would have no chance in changing the current situation & she has way too much dodgy stuff that she wouldn't want unearthing. Regarding the housing situation. She previously told me that she was going to tell the housing office that she stayed over 3 nights per week. But, I have no idea if she did this but I do know that she is extremely dishonest.