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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Choosing a surname

62 replies

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 22:16

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and having a real tough time trying to decide what surname to give baby. His father has not supported me through this pregnancy. It was unplanned and due to a contraceptive failure, condom. He refuses to legally acknowledge baby and wants a dna test. Even though it's ridiculous. Sadly no possibility of anyone else as wasnt seeing anyone else.
Anyway he wanted baby to have just his surname. Apparently all the single mothers in his family do this.
Now that's not happening, but I am torn between a double barrelled surname of both our last names, or just my surname on it's own.
For extra info He has so far given me no emotional or financial support. Wont legally acknowledge baby which would give him joint citizenship. And tried to coerce me into having an unsafe illegal abortion in the country we both used to work and live. Is not going to take paternity leave to visit baby.
Not sure it's in babys best interests to have this mans surname as part of his surname.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BecauseReasons · 08/12/2019 23:03

Save yourself the headache and stop bothering with him. If you don't need the money, I'd just drop the connection rather than go through the rigmarole of trying to get him to acknowledge paternity. Save yourself and your baby the stress. He sounds like a nightmare.

PumpkinP · 08/12/2019 23:08

This is a no brainer surely? I gave dd both mine and exes surname but not double barrelled and literally everywhere just decided to drop my name and refer to dd under exes, I even started getting called mrs “exes name” just give yours!

Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:08

I understand where you're coming from, but much as hes a wanker I don't feel it would be right for me to just drop the connection.
I want my baby to know I tried everything I could to facilitate a relationship between them and their father, extended paternal family, and to get them their dual citizenship.

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Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:09

Yeah I'm really steering towards just giving him mine. Babys father will be angry and unhappy, but there we are.

OP posts:

Plaintainchipss · 08/12/2019 23:10

In all honesty, child doesn’t have a father. So just got for your surname. The quicker you move on and forget about him, the more headache you will save yourself.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:11

I would hate to be called Mrsawfulperson by mistake. That would be so grating

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Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:22

Part of the reason I'm trying to get the father to be a father, rather than cutting him out and moving on like you suggest is because I'm white and the father is black. My family is mostly white, with some asians. No black family at all. If I just cut off his father then who will he go to when he needs to talk to or get advice about situations I wont be as equipped to support him with, as unlike his father I wont have that shared experience of being a black boy and later a black man?

OP posts:

holly40 · 08/12/2019 23:25

I don't feel it would be right for me to just drop the connection

Well. It sounds like he's done just about all he can to drop the connection. You don't owe him anything, he wanted you to have an unsafe illegal abortion - thats how much he cares.

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2019 23:26

You can find other mentors for him so he can explore his black heritage. What won't help him in life is to saddle him with a connection to a crap self centred father. Tell him he doesn't believe the baby is his so on what basis does he think he gets a say in anything? Pick all the names yourself. Stop chasing him. Your baby will do fine without him.

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2019 23:28

who will he go to when he needs to talk to or get advice about situations

This guy will never be that sort of dad to your baby, so don't even expect it.

Aloe6 · 08/12/2019 23:33

I’m sorry he is being such a waste of space. Definitely give baby your name, and claim child maintenance from him. I agree with Buttery that he won’t be the father figure you hope for sadly, so don’t let that thought alter your decisions.

Plaintainchipss · 08/12/2019 23:35

I understand that. I really do but he’s made it so clear he doesn’t want to be a mentor or father in your sons life. It’ll probably take time for you to see it as bluntly as that & I honestly do get the desire for your child to have a father. It’s just that your desire is totally pointless if he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:37

Thank you holly40 and buttery muffin. It's true, there must be lots of good black men out there who he can have as positive role models/mentors. Perhaps teachers or sports coaches. I'll just have to try to subtly make sure he has access to people like that.
Oh I know he doesn't care about my health at all. He seemed to think that because lots of desperate women in S K take that risk, illegal, unregulated and therefore likely unsafe abortion, that I was being silly in not doing it too.

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Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:38

And thank you to aloe and plantainchips too

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BlouseAndSkirt · 08/12/2019 23:44

“He refuses to legally acknowledge baby and wants a dna test.....He has so far given me no emotional or financial support. Wont legally acknowledge baby which would give him joint citizenship. ”

Why on earth would you give your child his name? And please OP do not consider putting him in the BC and giving him parental responsibility: he is also a bullying control freak and could make your life a misery. Control over taking the child abroad, education, all sorts.

Do you honestly want the man who wanted him aborted to be the male role model for your son?

Stop hankering after the father-to-be that you want him to be, and cut him loose completely.

Go without him to register the birth, your surname,

Original poster

1Micem0use · 08/12/2019 23:51

Hes not going on the BC or getting PR. He lives and works abroad where we met.
Yeah I've decided to give him just my surname. Feedback from everyone on here has been really helpful.
I suppose given that we were (he still is) teachers of children, I expected more from him/held him to a certain far too high expectation of conduct. Hes a perfectly good mentor to other peoples children after all. But yeah I need to let go of my hope that even though he didn't want to be a father he might pull his socks up once baby is here.

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manorroee · 09/12/2019 00:05

Please just put yours

And do not put him on the bc

I did a double barrelled. Eventually changed it

Original poster

1Micem0use · 09/12/2019 00:07

Could I ask why you changed it from double barrelled?

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anxioussue · 09/12/2019 00:08

Yours he doesn't deserve to have a child with his name

TammyKat · 09/12/2019 00:09

Yours. 100%

PumpkinP · 09/12/2019 00:13

I’ve been referred to under exes surname loads of time, people’s see dds surname and then assume I’m mrs “x” it’s bloody annoying! You can not make him be a dad. He has told you he doesn’t want to be. My ex hasn’t seen his kids in 3 years, what good would it be them having his surname?! The “connection” would just be confusing (having a surname of a person you don’t see) luckily Now dd is at school I’ve told everywhere to have her under my surname so that’s what she’s known as now but before I did that people would just assume it was exes name. You would honestly be mad to give your child a surname for a man who lets face it, won’t be around!

Original poster

1Micem0use · 09/12/2019 00:26

He didn't want to be a father no. However hes given me some mixed messages about what it is he wants. On the one hand he says he wants baby to have his name, skype call contact (lives in other continent) and has said 'if' baby is his (bloody insult) he will send (unspecified) amount of money each month for him (am fortunate that getting money from him isn't important thing for me and baby due to circumstances).

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WWlOOlWW · 09/12/2019 00:48

Find out the legalities in your country. Are you in the UK ? I wouldn't even name him on the birth certificate. You have no idea the shit it will bring having him on the BC if he won't play ball.

Absolutely your name x100%

lisag1969 · 09/12/2019 00:56

Definitely. Just yours.

Original poster

1Micem0use · 09/12/2019 00:59

Yeah I'm british and back in uk. I've looked into legalities and until hes back in his home country of Canada theres not much I can do.
Couldn't put him on bc if I wanted to.

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