Dd2 wants to know why daddy hasn't rung her and when he is going to ring her, what the hell do i tell her ?

[nutcracker]

He normally rings them on a sunday but hasn't for the past 2 weeks.

He hasn't rung because I told him he couldn't ring or visit again unless things were sorted properly (ie access arrangements made through a soliciter) and I said it for a good reason.

Tbh I thought he would still ring them, or at least ring me to try and talk me round, as thats what he has done in the past, but in the past he didn't have a new girlfriend and her kids to occupy his time.

Anyway what do I say to the kids ?? When dd2 asked me today, said honestly, that I didn't know when he would ring them, and she didn't mention it again, but obviously it is playing on her mind.

What shall I say/do ?

You might regret saying that Fio LOL, did nearly do a swap to kent when we were in the flat, Burchington on sea i think the place was called.

Xp rang the kids, ds kept asking him over and over, when he was coming to take them to the wacky, think xp skirted around the question ARSE.

but did he skirt round the question because you've told him he's not allowed to see them?

No he skirted around the question because he has no intention of ever taking ds to the wacky or anywhere else.

He can't afford to take his kids out and come and se his gf every day and he'd rather see his gf.

where is he actually living now nut?

He is still living in his bedsit, which is about 20 min away from here by bus. He is rarely there though. He goes to his gf's every day now and before that chose to spend all his time at his sisters an hour away.

move to devon, less hassle here lol! well thats a lie tho, as my ex is in this county too.

I cant imagine how much you must hurt for your kids.

Yeah sounds silly but I never realised how much him hurting the kids would hurt me too. It's like he has just said 'right sod off you lot, i have a new life and you lot mean nothing'.

Makes me feel really stupid too tbh.

stupid in what way?

Because I still thought that whatever happened he would eventually grow up and make proper arrangements to see his kids, cos I thought he would miss them, but he doesn't, he doesn't care at all, so i feel stupid now for ever thinking he would eventually be a good guy.

Oh I dunno, the whole thing just makes me feel so crap, like I have no clue now what the hell I am doing with any part of my life. It's like someone has plonked me and the kids on a desert island and not told me how to get back to some sort of normality.

(((((hugs))))

You r not alone in feeling that way, I know it doesnt help but what you are feeling is fine and normal.

We had this underlying trust in them that they would at least behave like fathers.

Ok if they didnt want us, then there must be an overwhelming need for then to want to be with their kids.

You wonder where it can have disapeared too dont you.

I could kick myslef for thinking mine would suddenly get soem realisation, but I'm afraid that despite me not ever thinking the other woman in his life would be a factor, i now think she doesnt really help matters.

Its not in her interest to not spend time with my ex dh iyswim. I think when they get involved with other people thier focus goes. And that just makes it even worse and totally wrong.

Yep I couldn't agree more. Before he met his gf, he was crap, but since he hooked up with her he is even worse.

He told me yesterday that he leaves her so late that he has missed the last bus into the town centre, so every night he walks to the town centre to get another bus home. He would never ever ever do that to see his kids never, it wouldn't even cross his mind.

I just cannot get it into my head, that he can sit in her flat not 2 minutes down the road and play with her kids, knowing that his own kids are sat in their house up the road. I just don't understand it.

I do wonder where their love for their own kids can go, just like that. We had Dd1 9 years ago and all of that time although he wasn't a briliant dad by any means, I thought he loved them at least. How wrong can a person be.

It baffles me tbh.

When my parents split, my dad fought like mad for us, so I just don't get it.

For me, wel my dad didnt try very hard, and it devastated me, and i dont want that feeling for my girl.

Yet, i allow my girl to express herslef and i encourage her to talk, unlike i was allowed to.

Oh thats sad PG, and must be very hard for you to be going through the same thing.

Perhaps we will both come through this to be super strong and never let anyone treat us and our kids like this again.

She saus as she sits there blubbing.

I so need to get a grip, before I go insane.

nutty so sorry to read this thread.

Please keep venting if that is helping. Your life is not buggered. There are lots of opportunities for you.

DS starts school Sept, right? (like my DS2) does this mean you can look at retraining/returning to work? this was your plan I think (sorry if I'm behind with details). That would be a really positive thing and would bring lots of new things for you and yr family. Just for example, new friends you might meet might be able to babysit for the kids to give you some time. I know I happily would if I knew you in RL (sorry that I'm a bit far away).

I know it must be hard dealing with yr exp but try to focus on the good things. Hope I'm helping a bit?

Hi Clary, sorry, i went to bed before you posted.

Ds does start school in Sept yep, and I do have my name down for college for 1 day a week, but I also need a job desperatly, and if I cannot find anything to fit around the 1 day I am at college, I will have to just get a job. I am not holding my head above water anymore with my bills and stuff and have 3 birthdays and xmas looming, so I am going to just have to take whatever I am offered.

Have to cancel my 2nd driving lesson today as I just don't have the money, was silly to star them really.

Am sick of waking each morning with a headache and puffy eyes, I need to sort myself out, just not sure where to start.

that's OK I know I was posting late last night (no-one in the house)

So sorry about the driving lesson, I thought that was a really positive thing for you.

Can you get sthg at school? Ours is always on the lookout for Midday supervisors (not dinnerladies, more like a lunchtime TA) and there are often TA vacancies too - fits round school hols well.

Or supermarket work like Asda often has shifts that will fit round other commitments - I would always rather do that sort of work than snotty office jobs (sorry to anyone who has such) - find camaraderie of shop/factory floor is great.

Have you got a pal locally who could have the DCs for a couple of hours this week so you can go and do something for y/self - have a swim/haircut/go for a run? just to feel a bit more positive?

I can try Asda, although last time I did they agreed that I could do flexi hours and then insisted on a start time I couldn't do.

Am going to ring the toy shop near me as they do family friendly hours, and there is a card shop on my list too.

There are always dinner supervisor jobs going at my DC's school,m but as xp's new gf has just started working there as a dinner lady, I don't think I could do it which is a shame as they let you do as many or few days as you like.

Unfortunatly my closest friend is a student midwife and so constantly busy or stressed although we are going to try and meet up with the kids this week. I know she would love to help me out more but she just doesn't have the time.

My only other friend isn't very impressed with me at the mo because I haven't got the money to go on her hen weekend abroad, and she kept going on and on about it so that in the end I had to be quite blunt with her, and now she is being funny with me.

I know things will be alot easier once the kids go back to school, I will be able to plan things alot better and have enough time to sort myself out.

I was thinking about this last night as I was sweeping the kitchen floor at half past midnight (don't ask).

I do feel for you nutcracker. It's such a difficult position to be in - you get left being the responsible one, the parent, while he gets basically to go back to being a single man with all the freedom that entails.

In a way I think you telling him that he can't see them until he sorts regular contact is actually playing right into his hands. He can sit back and say "It was her, she told me I wasn't allowed to see them". He won't present the other part of it, WHY you said that! He will feel you've basically given him permission to not see them, and also taken away the blame from him; he can give that to you!

Why not approach the CAB and get help drafting a reasonable pattern of contact? At least if you've presented it to him, you are NOT the one stopping the contact, and you are putting the responsibility back on him; if he doesn't keep to it, then at least he will not be able to blame you but will have to acknowledge his own responsibility in the matter.

And you will have the satisfaction of knowing that once again, you put the kids first and did your absolute best to keep their contact going.

Good luck with the job situation and with school for ds. I was starting my ds last year, it's an emotional time, isn't it!

nutty how abotu an MDS job at a fdifferent school? Or is that a logistical impossibility? (transport etc)?

The other schools would mean I'd need to pay busfare so would actually end up out of pocket.

I have told xp that I am more than willing to consider any ideas for contact arrangments that he may have, wether it be every Sat/Sun after school or whatever, but I know that he just won't bother.

I am not having him mess my kids around. If that is playing into his hands then thats fine, so be it, if it stops my kids from being hurt anymore then thats fine by me.

When we split I told him repeatdly that it was very important to me that he maintain a good relationship with his kids. He has done absolutly nothing to make sure that this happens, nothing at all, whilst I have had to practically beg him to ring them, visit them, take them out and have generally bent ov er backwards to facilitate his realtionship with them.

I am not prepared to do this anymore, I have tried my hardest, he hasn't tried at all, I am fighting a losing battle.

yes, i have spent 2 yrs doing the same nut, I have had some choice remarks made over this time.
(collects herself) ready for this?

1. when asked is your girlfriend more important to you than dd

'yes she is'

2. quote 'i sometimes wish i never had had dd'

3. on the fact that dd was still attached to her cuddly toy at age 3 1/2, 'I think, and my gf thinks it is not normal'

4. 'you are a selfish c**t' when i wouldnt let his gf comein for a wee.

and STILL i have bent over backwards to remind, cajole him into seeing dd. So if I have an of day, or decide to be a bit selfish about thet whole deal, I'd say i was entitled too, cos it really annoys me when his parents say 'ooh, he cant help bla or bla'

So nut, how do we let go? How do we learn to live without giving a toss about them.???

So sad that others are in similar situation to me....I don't know how these xp can live with themselves messing their own children about causing hurt and distress. I just find it incomprehensible.
They want castrating so they can't do it to anyone else!

I dunno PG I really don't

I nearly asked xp the other day if he had to chose between a day with his gf or a day with his kids, which would he choose, but I know the answer really so I didn't bother asking.

My mums just been round and said she saw them playing happy familys whilst she was out, they were heading to Macdonalds with xp pushing her ds in the buggy. My kids woud give their right arm for him to take them to Macdonalds.

It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think that the kids are ging to have to get used to seeing their dad having a great time with someone elses kids.

My mum reckons I shouldn't move, shouldn't give him the staisfaction, but whats the alternative, I can't think of one.

Upsadaisy - there seems to be alot of them about doesn't there.