Thinking of Abandoning your Wife and Child? Here’s what you need to know.

[Adviceshop]

1 – will I have to pay maintenance to my ex?
A: Yes – you will have to pay 16% of your gross salary (after pension deductions)
2 – So if I increase my pension contributions my maintenance will go down?
A: Yes.

1. My child is in nursery as we both work – will I have to pay half towards childcare?

A: No, not at all. If your ex wishes to continue working she will have to pay it all.

1. But won’t I have to have the child half the time and pay for my half when I have them?

A: Not if you don’t want to, no. You can just see the child at weekends and explain you can’t have them in the week because you work.

1. Is there a minimum amount of time I will need to see my child?

A: Again, no, you can see your child as little as you wish.

1. What if my ex won’t let me see my child?

A: You can take her to court to force her to allow you to see the child

1. Can my ex take me to court to force me to see the child more regularly?

A: Not at all, no, this is not available as an option.

1. Can I move away from my ex and child?

A: Certainly. In fact, if you move a long distance away you can apply for a “variation” to your child maintenance so that you pay less. You can say this is because you are incurring costs in visiting your child.

1. So I would have to prove that I was incurring these costs to get the variation?

A: Not really no. Keep the receipts from one trip and say that you’re making that same trip every month, even if you’re not. 10. Can my ex move away with my child? A: Yes, but you can apply for a court order to stop her. 11. Can she apply for a court order to stop me moving away? A: No, of course not. 12. Won’t my leaving have an adverse effect on my child? A: Probably, but your ex will probably do everything in her power to minimise the ill effects. 13. How can I be sure my child will be looked after? A: If your ex neglects your child she will be punished by the state. If it gets really bad your child will be taken into care and looked after by the state. 14. Can the state make me take my child back? A: No, not at all. 15. Won’t society think badly of me for doing this? A: Possibly at first. Explain how unhappy you were. If you see your child a few times a year and pay the minimum maintenance then eventually you will be called “A Good Dad”.

I was spared this kind of shitshow when I divorced however a good friend has experienced it and it's abysmal. What struck me from @Popetthetreehugger's reply though was this....

you now have room for the good stuff

Emotionally, this is so true.

Bravo op.
Ive met hundreds if not thousands of single mums in my life time and less than a handful of single dads. I really do move in different circles to some others.

For me the saddest thing is that the nrp's miss out on getting to know some really great kids, and those kids miss out on downtime with the rp because the rp is working, running the home and strapped for cash.

Well done for posting this - so many people don't realise how stung single parents get 1 generalising of course, but predominately mothers. My own mother only ate every other day as there wasn't enough money to feed us all, and she was a wonderful, amazing woman who always put us first and protected us from how shit it was for her. My 'dad' didn't see us at all, and paid the bare minimum for us, and stopped the day we turned 18.
So many people dont realise that the absent parent can pay a tiny defined percentage regardless of the actual costs of raising a child, and the single parent is left to cover everything else.
And then, the dad attends the odd event, or sees them every other weekend and is called a good dad. The mum handles all the day to day stuff - the life admin, the moods, emotions, balancing diets, homework, childcare etc etc etc etc and then gets a hard time from society at every opportunity.

Gives me the rage. When will society expect dads to take full and appropriate responsibility for their actions. Omg I could go on and on but I'm going to stop now!

Thanks for posting this op. Spot on.
.

That’s powerful stuff OP.

@slipperywhensparticus please tell your story - no deaf ears here.

I do think the defined nature of the CMS is part of the injustice, yes. The idea that if the nrp has no money then they can't be made to pay, whilst the rp still has those expenses and has to get into debt, or only eat every other day or whatever, to make it work.

(As an aside my autocorrect changed nrp to "bro" which made me laugh 😂).

Jesus fucking Christ

" The same people who don't think people want 50.50 also then argue its not in best interests of kids. "

This is true. A lot of women complain their ex don't see kids enough but if you want 50-50 they say no.

I've heard this claim that men only want 50/50 to get out of paying child support. But why should anyone pay child support if both parents split the childcare cost 50-50? You can't really "get out of paying a few pennies". You're going to spend money anyway if you have the kid with you 50% of the time.

Kennyy Your 'most men' comments are based on what? Knowing a few guys who think this? Father's for Justice? In the lone parents area of this website there are so many women living the truth of 'dads' who let their kids down, pay the minimum they think they can get away with, exercise cohesive control, move away, let their kids down, have access on their terms, have their mothers/girlfriends looking after the kids when they do have then etc etc. The list really does go on. I think coming on a thread like this and making sweeping statements about what 'most dads' are like is rather undermining the many women who have lived a very different truth.

Kennyy, most 50/50 Dads dont pay 50% of costs or take 50% of the parenting burden. They're not doing doctors visits, researching schools, running after school activities, playdates and all the other misc stuff that Dads often forget is part of parenting. They have the kids sleep at their house, maybe provide clothes and make breakfast and dinner. Job done. 👏

@Kennyy you do realise it costs more than childcare to raise a child . My £7 a week from ex pays 2 days lunch money for Ds . ( glad he pays so much ) He couldn’t even maintain 2 hours eow . But yes I can guarantee it’s not his fault to friends.

I do agree the couple of nrp women are dire parents too.

It is a great post about the reality for many . I knew there would be someone on this thread defending the dead beat dads.

As I have said on many posts before . I have never heard a man say I don’t see my kids because I prioritise my social life/ gf/ beer/ drugs. So where are these men . Maybe they are the ones bleeting how unfair it all is.

Go and live abroad on a massive salary then you won't have to pay a penny. That was my first husband.

Deadbeat dad next door to me, has 4 kids, bought himself a massive house he doesn't even use one 10th of and has since let go to rack and ruin lowering the house prices for all of us in order to plea poverty and pay much much less for his kids while reaping a large monetary reward when he sells it when the kids have grown up.

Love the new girlfriends with various kids who move in then out again every 5 minutes when they suss him out.

@PicsInRed

How very very true.

Good post OP. I agree with alot of what you're saying, and I work with alot of single parents and this is their experience too. I must say, I don't hear of many men that want to see their children 50% of the time. I don't hear of many men that are actually really involved in actually parenting their children, so I'd love to hear your basis for that argument @Kennyy For my part, I'd love my exH to have the kids 50/50. It'd reduce the maintenance by 50% too for him - his perennial moan about the unfairness of actually having to provide for his own children. However, he doesn't actually want that, he just wants to reduce the maintenance and not actually see them anymore. But he doesn't actualy want to go to court to do that, he just wants to withhold money each month, make threats and be a general arse.

And even if he did want them 50% the kids don't actually want to live with him anyway.

I do think the starting point should always be 50/50 care. I also think the CMS system is so flawed, and biased against the RP, that it needs to start again. The basis of collaboration is just bollocks imo.

It's wonderful isn't it, how the system works.

My friend's ex husband is in prison for sex offences. He still seems to think he can force her to take the children to visit him. And let's face it, if he takes her to court when he gets out, he would likely win a case to see them even after his vile crimes.

I can't even think about it. Makes me so angry!

Stage one leave wife one get married to wife two (me) wife two is pregnant wife one goes apocalyptic convince wife two moving away will help once settled move family again only work when wife considering working should wife keep considering working threaten to leave job wife threatens to leave throw away pills continue unprotected sex with wife because he can wife pregnant with number two wife tries to leave again crash car and "lose" job again work briefly things settle wife relaxes gets friends "lose" job again put wife back in her place (baby two) control the house get a job where he can "drop in" on the house at any point during shift keep family on edge family try to call womans aid for help thos is the kicker get arrested for sexual assault on a minor child (MINE) is removed from the house think it gets better? No I spent almost a year of hell with children services blaming me for everything berating me when the police decided not to prosecute him they finally dropped out of my life warning me under no circumstances to get back with him (fine by me) almost five years on he hardly sees his children (yes they said his kids were fine as they are boys he assaulted my dd from a previous relationship) he doesn't see them if he has better things to do never pays and he is involved with someone who lost her kids to social services it gets BETTER! she has been trying to get her younger two GIRLS back he is going to court next week to be made guardian for these kids so he can get them living with them he has no home lives in a caravan works cash in hand and their relationship is volatile as she tried to stab him last year plus to add insult to all this to go to court he is ditching his pitiful contact with his own children I'm worried really worried he is prioritised getting custody of her girls over everything why? Let me think...am I the only one who has made a connection here? (before anyone asks no she doesnt see our kids I put a stop to that as soon as I found out she lost all hers and why)

Best part of all this is I can do nothing children's services said he is fine for contact if I stop contact I can be accused of jealously and alienating him from his kids he doesnt even have to pay anything I've gone through CMS this week as I have an address for him but as soon as he gets the other kids he legally doesnt have to pay a penny as he is "responsible" for them which makes no sense as they have fathers who should be paying too

At some point we have to ask ourselves why we had children with men who became so awful.

My Dad is vitally important in my life and it breaks my heart that my dc haven't had the same.

I think it is almost impossible for a child and nrp to maintain a worthwhile relationship long term. Sadly I think, in most cases, that is the fallout from separating.

I'll follow that up by saying that my children's dads i don't believe are awful men. I think with no 1 we were both so scared of the other snatching ds1 (nrp in USA, me in UK) that we were adversarial. With No 2 he wasn't an awful man but he didn't pay any 121 attention to ds2 when he was at his house and ds2 eventually grew very dismissive of him (aged14). Ds1 decided to go NC with his Dad when he was 28.

I would say both men tried but distance and length of time just weakened the relationship.

Starlight456, I understand it costs a lot of money to raise a child. My point is if I pay half of everything then there's no need to pay child support. Obviously your ex is not paying enough.

Annanimmity, It's a shame your ex doesn't want to spend more time with kids. If you had 50/50 would you still want him to pay child support?

ThighThigh, you are absolutely right. It is very hard for the child and NRP to maintain a worthwhile relationship. That's why I support 50/50.

Sunshineandreign.... Sadly, maybe we all WERE married to a version of this heartless man at one point. The one who says to your 8 year old DS "your mum and I are having problems so I'm going to sleep somewhere else tonight but I'll be back to see you tomorrow" and disappears forever - well 20+ years and counting...

Kenny how would that look to you though? How do you force a 15 year old to go back and forth if they can't be arsed?

You're going to have to live close to the ex, do both parents work f/t or both p/t? What happens to the main family home?

Do you have 50/50?

Excellent post.

The OP's to be clear.

@Adviceshop it is shocking isnt it. 🍷

Correction:

1 – will I have to pay maintenance to my ex?
A: Note necessarily. Millions of father's find ways to pay no maintenance at all. Have you considered become self-employed to avoid paying? You could also change jobs and move house a lot to avoid paying. You could also work cash in hand, claim benefits and only pay £5 a week. There are many ways you can avoid supporting your children. It used to be even easier than this, all you had to do was avoid the one phone call from the CSA, whereas now the CMS will phone and write to you with a threatening letter, which of course you can simply ignore.