Thinking of Abandoning your Wife and Child? Here’s what you need to know.

[Adviceshop]

1 – will I have to pay maintenance to my ex?
A: Yes – you will have to pay 16% of your gross salary (after pension deductions)
2 – So if I increase my pension contributions my maintenance will go down?
A: Yes.

1. My child is in nursery as we both work – will I have to pay half towards childcare?

A: No, not at all. If your ex wishes to continue working she will have to pay it all.

1. But won’t I have to have the child half the time and pay for my half when I have them?

A: Not if you don’t want to, no. You can just see the child at weekends and explain you can’t have them in the week because you work.

1. Is there a minimum amount of time I will need to see my child?

A: Again, no, you can see your child as little as you wish.

1. What if my ex won’t let me see my child?

A: You can take her to court to force her to allow you to see the child

1. Can my ex take me to court to force me to see the child more regularly?

A: Not at all, no, this is not available as an option.

1. Can I move away from my ex and child?

A: Certainly. In fact, if you move a long distance away you can apply for a “variation” to your child maintenance so that you pay less. You can say this is because you are incurring costs in visiting your child.

1. So I would have to prove that I was incurring these costs to get the variation?

A: Not really no. Keep the receipts from one trip and say that you’re making that same trip every month, even if you’re not. 10. Can my ex move away with my child? A: Yes, but you can apply for a court order to stop her. 11. Can she apply for a court order to stop me moving away? A: No, of course not. 12. Won’t my leaving have an adverse effect on my child? A: Probably, but your ex will probably do everything in her power to minimise the ill effects. 13. How can I be sure my child will be looked after? A: If your ex neglects your child she will be punished by the state. If it gets really bad your child will be taken into care and looked after by the state. 14. Can the state make me take my child back? A: No, not at all. 15. Won’t society think badly of me for doing this? A: Possibly at first. Explain how unhappy you were. If you see your child a few times a year and pay the minimum maintenance then eventually you will be called “A Good Dad”.

Sheep how does 50/50 look? How long have you been doing it and how old are your kids?

Sad story Bluebluezoo. Some people still think that court is not biased against men. It's strange.

Brilliant post, OP. Even if it is depressingly accurate.

Absolutely infuriating reading when put together like that. I love it every day but hasn't quite realised how much I had to be angry about.

However at least I get to live with my kids and know them in a way he never will.

Thighthigh, why wouldn't 15 year old want to go back and forth?

Yes I have 50/50.

Lots of interesting comments here. So how many would agree to 50/50 if ex wanted it? Besides AnnaNimmity.

I wouldn't agree to 50/50 because he's an alcoholic who doesn't believe in autism - both my children have it - and chooses to live in SE Asia for much of the year.

I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 however ex hasn’t seen Ds for 9 years.

My dc are adults now. I'd be afraid of losing them. 15 year olds can be arsey and may not want to go where they are required to be.

No one except the very wealthy are paying mortgages for homes they don't live in plus maintenance.
Maintenence is in part to assist the RP to provide a house that's suitable for the kids.

No chance I'd do 50/50 now. I would have at the beginning. However He has proven himself to be unworthy of the love and trust my children have placed in him. His lack of interest and concern is evident every day. No way would I betray my kids by making them stay with him half the time.

Surly curly - I feel the same!

I wonder how many other RPs start out willing/ assuming co-parenting will happen and have exes who fail to step up.

And can you imagine if RP mums did the same and just left someone else to look after their children when their marriage/ relationship ended?!

It's truly a sad state of affairs when so many of us have gone into a partnership with someone and decided to raise children with them for it all to turn out like this. And I know it's not exclusively bad between exes, and that not all Dads are deadbeats or trying to get out of paying a fair contribution in terms of time, emotion or money (because all of these things are the real cost of children), but... many are. It makes me sick that as women we have gained the chance to have freedom from bad marriages just to be shackled by different kinds of control. And the kids are STILL the ones the lose.

Kennyy i would if my x werent trying to manipulate my daughter.

@surlycurly yes. I wantes him to be capable of being a decent father.i have him every chance to parent but he makes no effortand then writes creepy self pitying manipulative letters to kids. It is a blessing he didnt have bigger role shaping their self esteems

Some RP mums do that. They leave someone else to look after their children.

Why has this important and useful thread been taken over by the Women Do It Too You Know! crew? It's turned into women defending themselves against why they wouldn't feel able to agree to 50/50 with fairly useless fathers while still feeling that those fathers should pay to support their kids. There's nothing to defend and I wish I hadn't answered you @Kennyy so I won't be answering you again.

Well said @CarolDanvers

Exactly. I have had 100% responsibility for 12 years and I know so many other women in this situation. I have yet to meet one single man in real life whose has left him with 100% of the responsibility. (Financial and practical)

And here i was feeling bad. Well said.

The reason the OP’s post rings so true is because this IS our experience. We are women left with 100% of the care of our children. An NRP’s tiny financial contribution is nothing like the true cost - financial and emotional - of running a home and supporting our kids through to adulthood.

I am the mum and I do work part-time but still earn enough to pay all our costs because I had a good enough job in the first place so could afford to take a cut. I get no benefits and wouldn’t expect them - I’m only mention that because so often people assume there is free cash for single mums.

My ex pays a token financial amount because he has to by law - and by God was he angry about it.

Actually that money is simply a way of me recouping a very small percentage of the lump sum I have had to pay him.

When you bring children into the world it costs money. These absent parents just don’t seem to get it. Or rather they choose not to because their life is all about themselves!

But more than the cash, kids also need your emotional support. I am astounded really that a man can appear to be an involved father for years and the simply turn his back and walk away as if those kids mean nothing. Do they not think of the message that sends to the kids - that they don’t matter, they are nothing - this is the most damaging thing of all of it.

I agree, it rings true because it's so many women's experience. Both mine, my friends and the women I work with on a daily basis. There are very few men who want to do more and who are stopped by their exes. Most women I know, feel both sad for their children that their ex is such a selfish twat and desperate for more financial and other support from their ex. Women who abdicate their responsibility for their children or who maliciously prevent their ex from contact are very rare in my experience.

I didn't know this thread was important or useful CarolDanvers. I just posted my opinions. This is what happens to long threads. If I started a thread about child alienation some people will change the subject to deadbeat dads.

My ex pays the maintenance he is made to by law. No more or less. He sees the kids every other week. It was his turn this weekend. His mum picked them up on friday and accidently (he'd told her they knew) told the kids dad and GF were going on a two week cruise.

My kids expect their two days in whitby with dad each year and then to recieve lots of pics of dad on holiday in exotic places numerous times a year.

They tell me how hard he works and how he needs his rest. How he cant pay half of guitar lessons or come and watch his son play football that he wont pay half off because he 'needs to survive'.

I work full time. I gave up a uni course when he left with OW because he moved so far away that he cant see the kids during the week.

He has done further education. Got promotions as he can work the long hours.But hey he needs his rest!

Does anyone have suggestions for how custody and maintenance could be better worked out?

With the best will in the world, most salaries that were able to support one household are going to struggle if they need to support 2 households.