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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

kids sharing bedroom with Dad during contact

42 replies

Mylado · 26/08/2019 22:51

I have separated from my husband 5 years ago.Since then, he has lived with his parents in their house. Our 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son have alternative weekends and Tuesday overnight contact with him which they spend at this house. My concern is that the kids sleep on bunk beds in the same bedroom as their Dad. My daughter is 11 and starting secondary school next week. She will most probably be hitting puberty quite soon. What can I do about this? Does CAFCAS have any guidance and rules on this subject? I'm also scared that if her new school peers get to know about it, they'll make her life hell!

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 26/08/2019 22:56

I think you might be slightly overreacting unless you have worries that you've not mentioned here. My DC would happily sleep in a bunk in the same room as their Dad...it's not ideal but it's not terrible either. My DD is also 11.

Why would her peers give her hell anyway? Has he plans to get a bigger place? This will only work for a while...by 13 or so it would be getting weird.

princesskatethefirst · 26/08/2019 23:04

I can't see how it's different to them sharing a hotel room? DD does with us, generally two double bed rooms, she's in one we are in other. She's 15. She gets dressed in bathroom or when DH is in shower, it's really no biggy if it's only temporary.

Soontobe60 · 26/08/2019 23:06

I don't think this is an issue at all! He's her father!

Grobagsforever · 26/08/2019 23:09

What do you think the issue is? They're all immediate family!

Original poster

Mylado · 26/08/2019 23:12

My concern is that my daughter feels embarassed about it. A friend of hers at primary school went over to play and told the rest of the girls in their circle that she was sleeping in the same room as her brother and Dad and next door to her uncle. If it was for a weeks holiday of course I wouldn't think anything of it, but this has been the situation for the last 5 years. He doesn't have a stable job and was sacked from his last job for fraud, so I can't see him getting another house anytime soon!

OP posts:

Answerthequestion · 26/08/2019 23:14

You’re being ridiculous, it sounds like a perfectly acceptable arrangement.

MsJaneAusten · 26/08/2019 23:15

Maybe suggest he gets a screen she can change behind, or curtains for her bed?

AllFourOfThem · 26/08/2019 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/08/2019 23:17

Well why don't you tell your ex that then? That her friend teased her and embarrassed her and can he think of a solution? I assume there is no spare room in the house or the DC would sleep in it. Are you hoping to stop the overnights or something?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2019 23:18

What do you want him to do about it? Magic up an extra room?

lilcreed · 26/08/2019 23:18

You may have a valid reason to be saying this (perhaps something you haven’t mentioned here). However, he is their father. This does not sound like an unacceptable arrangement to me.

If she is uncomfortable, then I feel that it would be good to get guidance. However I feel that it is more you that is making this a problem.

Helloitsmemargaret · 26/08/2019 23:19

@AllFourOfThem you realise this is an actual person you are speaking to? You're being incredibly, and unnecessarily rude. You have no idea of the circumstances.

lilcreed · 26/08/2019 23:19

Please don’t minimise his contact with his children. The only people it hurts are the children.

DippyAvocado · 26/08/2019 23:21

I can see what you mean and think as she gets older it is less appropriate, especially if she feels uncomfortable about it. How good is your relationship with ex? Could you discuss increasing her privacy? Either some sort of partition as suggested, or maybe he could sleep on the sofa when the DC are visiting?

MrsWooster · 26/08/2019 23:22

Perhaps he could share with his brother, leaving his room for the kids but that has to be his choice/decision... stopping /obstructing contact with dad is likely to have more serious effects in dc than discomfort over rooming (unless there’s susp of abuse ofc)

HennyPennyHorror · 27/08/2019 00:46

You're being precious. I find it hard to believe her friends reacted as you say they did and if they DID then they're bullies, plain and simple.

Original poster

Mylado · 27/08/2019 04:25

HennyPennyHorror. Are you accusing my daughter or myself of lying?

OP posts:

barryfromclareisfit · 27/08/2019 04:37

OP, you are perfectly correct. At this age, she should not be sharing with her father or her brother. You need to help her with this and come to a suitable arrangement with the father. A ‘curtain’ will not do.

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/08/2019 04:46

I would give it a bit more time, and perhaps at 13 if she is bothered by it let her know that she can ask to sleep in a different room, but it may have to be on the sofa so to think carefully about it.

Oceanbliss · 27/08/2019 05:05

MyladoI YANBU. I agree with barryfromclareisfit. And what parent wouldn't consider their 11 year olds feelings about sharing a room with a sibling and parent of the opposite sex. The responses you have gotten so far are really odd.

SnowsInWater · 27/08/2019 05:41

Post separation unfortunately it's not always possible for both parents to have ideal housing situations, usually because of money. Not seeing dad would be far more damaging for your kids than having to share a bedroom. Your daughter might be a bit embarrassed about her friends knowing, though as someone else said that doesn't make them very nice friends, but the whole "everyone must sleep separately" think is very culturally specific anyway so I would try not to make a big deal of it for now.

Soontobe60 · 27/08/2019 06:36

Your dd is embarrassed because her 'friend' has spread gossip about her. As this has been the sleeping arrangement for 5 years, she will know no different. Of course, everyone needs some privacy, and I'm sure she gets some for when she's dressing etc.
Your update about your exs circumstances regarding employment is unnecessary and shows that you're just having a go at him. Referring to the times they stay at his home as 'contact' also speaks volumes. Do you refer to the times they are with you as 'contact'?
As others have said, having a relationship with their father is most important, not where they sleep. It seems like he's doing his best in the circumstances. Stop having a dig at him, and think about how to discuss the issues sensibly with your DD such as how to deal with her mean friend, and how to maintain some privacy at her dads house.

Jesaminecollins · 27/08/2019 06:44

Perhaps the daughter can tell her Dad how she feels and he might make different sleeping arrangements for next time she visits

MaybeDoctor · 27/08/2019 06:48

It seems to me that the friend is a nasty, gossipy piece of work and is the one who should be avoided, rather than her dad.

The sleeping arrangements aren’t ideal, no, but I think with sensible arrangements around dressing and using the bathroom they are ok on a temporary basis.

sandyfoot · 27/08/2019 07:35

I don't really see the big deal. Get it's not perfect but agree with PP who said it could be rejigged in a couple of years or if it becomes an issue. What's much more important is her having a close relationship with both parents and them not making her feel stuck in middle by being judgemental.

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