following on from ex dh asking me to do that favour for him, is there no end to his stupidity, I feel like running to the other end of the country sometimes

[pirategirl]

Just having a rant, just feeling fuckin sorry for myself. I hate this up and down I get. its so much easier when we don't have to communicate.

He just returned dd5 from a weekend at his, and asked me if i could take her halfway next friday to drop her off, as he is working.
He wanted me to drop her off at his friends, these friends were 'our' friends until he left me, and they have never bothered with me since.
I was quite close to the woman, even helped her prepare for her wedding, when she had noone esle to ask. I even painted them a lovely abstract picture as a gift.

So, these firends are going camping with hi and his gf, and my dd, and so he thought it would be ok to ask me.

I just looked a the floor and said, no, I am not doing that.

he had the insensitivity to say 'but why'???

i said, no again. Didnt get into the reasons, just no point. Why oh why doe she think its ok, that everythings is ok, when all he has done is be an ass over everything.

For exmple, on friday he texted me quite happily actually crackign ajoke about picking her up, and I thought oh good he is in a good mood.

i was 1omins late bringing her home cos of bad holiday traffic, and he was wiaitng there in the carpark, with his gf, her face was like a slapped arse, and he never even spoke to me, barley said hi to his daughter, and followed us into the house saying 'come on (dd) hurry up...'

I think maybe his gf must have got in a mood. yet he has let me down with timing, pick up, not showing up, god he has let my dd down time and time again.

I know this is the same old post fromme, but i seriously question myslef at times like this, but I really dont want to do him any favours. Itsbecause i have just passed my driving test, and he has asked me 3 times now about dropping her off. Tought shit, make a f ing effort you loser.

I feel like i am living in a neverending nightmare of ups and downs. Always on edge, and always feeling like I am nobody.

You are not a nobody.
You're the BOSS!!!!
Tell him that you're not doing him any favours and that if he wants to see his dd then he can make a flipping effort, if not keep her home. I went through the same sort of shit with my ex for a year, and he quite often didnt turn up, now he only sees the kids when his mum has them, I get on well with her, as does my new partner, and she understands how important it is to be organised and agreeable over how/when drop offs/pickups take place, I always used to say I'd never stand in the way of the kids relationships with their dad but this was the best decision i ever made, think about it, if it was you needing to get her, you'd walk barefoot over coals if need be. They should do the same, be as accommodating as you feel you can, without relinquishing your role as boss or your pride.

Why are you beating yourself up - I think you handled it perfectly. You simply said, "No" and didn't justify yourself - good on you .

So, you were a bit late - I bet you apologised, does he ever?

It is awful when 'friends' turn away after a separation, but heh, it is a sure fire way of finding out who your real ones are.

All major life-changes are roller-coasters, be kind to yourself. Get into the bath, get a glass of wine, some chocolate? A little treat, some space for you and it will all fall into place and not seem quite so bad.

thankyou, yu nkow I manage to keep up the pretence that iam ok, and mostof thetime I can cope. But I am not doing very well atm, I am sick of it, of him, of life with him in it.
my post b4 was about how he is getting married, and I even found out from dd5 that he has been talking about it in front of dd, but he hasnt even TOLD dd yet.

I hate him so much, unfortunately I also still have the old love for him, my heart is just broken, about how this has all panned out.

He is unrecognisable as the man I married, so mean, he treats me like a dog. I have achieved alot, coming thru tis, and on good days I am ok, but the bad days always invlove him somehow, and I loathe myslef for lettingit still affect him.

Like do I have any pride for myslef worth, am i fucking stupid for not standing up for myself when I guess I should, yet I keep quiet cos it gets me nowhere. But then how weak does that make me.

I'm truly not saying all this for effect here, I am genuinely sick to death of him, and of myself, even caring for him anymore. I guess thats because I a m the woman, I was the mother the wife, the tender one.

I feel bloody washed up, liek my life is over, and I am only 38. I am so so fed up of life its untrue. Its been going on like this since feb 2005. I think he's always cross with me, but why fgs, i havent doen anything wrong. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

we all get down at times!!!
Hes the one who is in the wrong, not you, and sometimes it can be easier to just smile and act like youre not bothered rather than go head to head and end up in confrontation, just remember, you had a life before him, you have one after him and you'll have one without him, so keep that head up high and keep trying!!!!

Ah, Hon, I did think of going away and reading your previous threads but decided to post instead. Look, getting over someone can be a very long process. You don't have the possibility of wiping him out of your life, so you can get over whatever hurt he has caused you. It sounds like you simply need more time for it not to be so awful.

38? Well, you young-thing and with five kids (is that right?) - well, I'm in awe, I'm older and only just cope with two.

Like I said, be kind to yourself, find friends and family who will be supportive and listen for the duration. It may take time, but one day you will wake up and it will be easier. One day, he will do something that would normally hurt you and you will simply shrug. Hold on in there.

i only have one dd who is 5!

Will it ever stop hurting tho.

Yes, it will. It's just when you are in the middle of anything really tough it does feel that life will always be a struggle.

Focus on your dd, focus on YOU; Lorayn said it - there was a life prior to your ex, so what were your dreams then? Are there any you would still like to fulfill? Fill your days, evenings, nights, do things that you can only do as a single parent and soon, you will be luxuriating in some of it, some of the time.

Meantime, go with the bad moments, as a very dear friend once told me, they too will pass and he was so right.

Hi there I have only been a single mum for 6 weeks now and my ex already has another woman. He thinks he is being really clever rubbing her and money (or my lack of it) in my face but now I am just playing his game. I don't text or phone him, I wait for him to do it. He never tells me how he is or what he's up to even if I ask so now when he asks how our 2 dds are I just say fine, we had a good day, keeps him guessing as to what we have been up to. I am keeping a record of when he is in touch etc also as I have had a few nasty text messages.

Like you I also get on with my mum-in-law so well and the rest of his family too which is a good job as they are the closest people I have around. Unfortunately, being an army wife all the friends I made up here are just about to move away so I am having to start all over again but I know now I am stronger than him and I was always the stronger one in the relationship, and even though I am shy I will make new friends and survive.

almostmidnight, good luck pal, I've been there, and its hard as fuck, but it does get easier.
x

your ex needs to start treating you with respect, especially in front of his girlfriend, just say no to any favours or running around for him, if he wants to play happy families with your daughter and his friends then let him do all the running

hiya, further to the no respect, I got more 'no respect' today.

Declined ONCE AGAIN to take dd5 to him, this weekend, and had the phone put down on me.

Ex is going away to work for a few weks, and i suggested a few weeks ago he might want to see dd on this weekend for a night, not that it's his weekend, but because it might be a good idea, and i also said, yeah I cuold prob do with a rest.

Wish I hadnt, cos he immediately turnedit round to 'well I'm doing YOU a favour by having her' WTF!!!! I had just started to say, 'hang on you are supposed to come and get her becuase you are the one not hetre anymore, and you are supposed to want to have her' but the line was dead.

is that childish or is that childish.

i am almost ready to start thinking up a neat way to ge thim back, revenge is starting to seem like a good thought.

any one wanna volunteer to annonymously ring the dvla for me, and report him, for driving when it could be questionable that he is. I have thought of this one lots of times but am too scared it would come back on me.

hi pg sweetheart, it might seem tempting but please don't plot revenge on him when you have a hot head because it will, most likely (and unfortunately) backfire on you.

however, i do agree with you when you say that he is being childish - he is being extremely so. i agree with all the other posters, your bad moments will pass - it may not seem like it right this second, but they will.
he should pick up his daughter, if he wants to see her he will. please don't do any favours for him anymore, you need to build up your own life with your daughter. (can't remember if you have anymore dc sorry). each time her dad lets her down tell her, but in a nice way (!) maybe like " i'm sorry sweetie, your daddy couldn't come today, what would you like to do with mommy?" kind of thing, there may well be some tears but (like i've seen on other threads where the op's have similar circumstances to you) sooner or later the dc realise what their dads are like. it sounds like a big ask but all you do is grit your teeth and say i'm sorry sweetie but daddy isn't coming today. then either cuddle and talk or distract her - whichever your daughter prefers.

i'm sorry you feel down but you will get there sweetheart xxxxxx ((((((((((((pg)))))))))

ps do you have access issues with a solicitor being involved?

When I was younger I idolised my natural dad, he could do no wrong. However he let me down time and time again. I have strong mempries of waiting for him watching out the window and him not arriving. Mum and (step)Dad never slagged him off in front of me and always said don;t worry, I'm sure he's got a reason etc. Eventually I did realise what a loser he was and it is only now (I'm 35) that the relationship is getting better, however he will never be my proper dad - that title goes to the man who raised me as his own.

Don;t do your ex any favours unless it suits you, you don;t need to explain yourself and if he puts the phone down on you don;t worry about it, you don;t have to deal with his moods anymore.

pirategirl so he thinks he is doing you a favour by looking after his own child and as for putting the phone down on you because he dont like what you saying, that is something that a child would do and you know what you do with children who throw tamtrums like that ?, yes you ignore them

Yes, he is a child. It is incredible that under pressure and over the past few yrs he has got worse,and turned into this person i no longer recognise.

I swear he has lost the plot. I really do think he has a defect in his personality, long subdued, but now used to deal with me.

You have to remember to take out time for yourself where you don't have to worry about anything.

If you spread yourself this thin, there's not going to be any of you left!

Perhaps the two of you can create a list of rules together about how you deal with issues. It sounds silly, I know, but in tough situations like that it's better to have guidelines around for the types of things that can and cannot be done.

Good luck!

In a moment of 'normalness' with him, you should say to him, just the once "I really want our daughter to have a great relationship with her Dad. That's why I always remain positive about you to DD, even when things have not gone to plan regarding access. Her relationship with you is very special. It is something to be treasured. Therefore, the very least I expect from you as the father of my daughter is that you show her the effort you can make in order to see her. It's about her feeling wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. I believe we can be adults about this, and whilst I appreciate that things dont always run smoothly, we need to show our daughter that we are doing our best for her, and put our differences aside - its not her fault, after all. I hope you can support me in this?"

Not the only one Pirate girl. A friend of mine was asked by her ex if she could drive 18 miles from her place to his to drop their DS off as he was having guests round and could collect him. 2 of these guests were his parents who live 2 streets away from my friend. He didn't want to ask his parents to bring DS with them as he didn't want to take them out of their way !!

hi ladies.

well as for a moment of normalness, i have been there and said things likethat, he listens, kind of agrees, and does the opposite once more.

Tonigh i am very upset. He said this morning he would come and take her camping, but has rung at 4 to ay he's still going camping but not taking her. This is because wuold not take her to the next town for him to pick her up.

he then put the phone down on me.

I caled back and siad, dd is crying, why are you doing this, i cant belive you would do this becuase i wouldnt give her a life to that town for you. Then he said 'oh it's not becuase of that', and I said, 'you just said that that was the reason!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then i put the fone donw in sheer amazement, but called back, to which he said, dont put the phone down on me!!!! Even tho he hung up on ME mid week because I said i wasn't happy with the arrnagements.

Oh, yeah, then he aid he doesnt want to speak to me ever agin, he just wants to pick up dd at the alloted times.

The reason he was gonna have dd this weekend-its not his normal one, is becuase he's going away for a few weeks and wont see her. Of oucrse he wont see his gf either, so i guess it'll be a cosy wekend for two, and dd is in the way.

I said you are lucky I have been patient this long, 2yrs, and that she wants to see you at all, to which he replied 'ooooooooooh i'm scared'

erm childish or what.

I am yet again in bits, my dd is upset. I cant get thru to this man at all, and he just throws it all back to me.

c*t,sht, bo**ocks,arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

pg, do you have the access agreements written down by a solicitor? and are they aware of his, erm, lack of effort to see your daughter?

(((((((((((((pg+dd)))))))))))))))))

awwww pirategirl your ex is playing tit for tat, shame on him for being so spiteful to go back on is word and not take your daughter camping, in future I wouldnt tell her in advance in case he lets her down again

Keep a note of everything he says, does or doesn't do - just in case if/when he re-marries (sorry) he decides to apply for custody of your dd. It's grim to have to think like this but it could happen.

HI,(long)

the arrangements to see dd, are written down yes. Yet as far as my experience tells me, and listening to themany other women with this situation, it really isnt worththe paper it is written on.

The solicitor cannot enforce it, he can do what he pleases really. it's not law.

A court order is also not law really, as noone can force him to uphold his visits to dd, and if he says he's not coming then thats that.

I also cannot stop him from legally seeing her, even if he messed us around every time. He has joint parental responsibility, and no cuort wuold stop a father having a means to accessing his child, unless the child was in danger of some sort.

He's chosen to go away with is gf, and not see his dd b4 he goes away to work. Yet has neatly used me as the reason.

I get so utterly despairing of this never ending life i have that unfortunately he is part of. Yet for what purpose does this serve.
only to somehow keep bullying me, by getting things his way.

Today I'm trying to take big breath, and let go, let go of the disappointment, the let down form him. He has siad he no longer wishes to 'speak' to me, then so be it.

Hand ove rwill be onthe doorstep, whereas I used to let him in, becuase if reasoned it was kinder to dd, as she often has toys, drawings she wishes to show him.

Yet I think i'd better nip it inthe bud, as he takes advantage even of that and soemtimes brings his gf's dd in with him. Its quite sly becuase how can i say, 'no dont bring an 8 yr old in to our home'.

From his gf's point of view and his they wanted her chikd to be made welcome, and his gf has always said the children must be treated equally, yet this has also meant that dd, never gets any 'naturally' preferential treatment, such as ordinary 'time spent' alone with her dad, which should be a must seeing as she doesnt have the luxury of living with him, and having and precious time with him.

He siad he would come 2morro, but that is not convenient for me, and i told him no. Yes i have also made sure i have plans , which i guess is a bit 'getting my own back', someithing i have never done inthe past 2 yrs, but why should he get to pick and choose.

i feel like a bloody zombie today, like i just cant smile. Yet will prob cheer up when i get going.

sorry this is so long, but it helps to get it al down.