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Original poster

Any mums have a child who doesnt live with them?

99 replies

allgonebellyup · 25/07/2007 20:47

my ex dh is desperate to have our son live with him, we split 3 months ago and he has found someone new.
i am honestly thinking of letting ds live with his dad as they seem miserable apart from each other, ds is 3. i will still have dd with me.

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 11:56

No advice really but I think it is dreadfully unfair of your xh to drop your dd in this way.

I also think that you have a right (not legally but morally iyswim) to meet or at least know about your xh's new partner as your ds is spending so much time with her.

I would bet that your ds would feel miserable if he were with his dad because he would miss you.

Awful situation, sorry I can't be of much more help, and I hope it resolves soon.

MamaG · 26/07/2007 11:57

GP could refer you for counselling allgone

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 11:58

i keep asking and asking if i can meet this woman but all i get is a resounding "NO".
i feel like saying he cant see ds any more if i cant meet his woman, but i dont want any more fights.

OP posts:
hatrickjacqueline · 26/07/2007 12:02

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Pruners · 26/07/2007 12:04

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flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 12:04

I wouldn't let your DS spend so much time with this woman if you haven't even met her tbh - and why will they not let you meet her, that's a bit weird. I also feel strongly siblings should be kept together - they are going through enough disruption and it gives a bit of stability and consistency and will minimise the inevitable feeling they are being treated differently.

What a horrible situation for you

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:08

hatrick , how do you know which school i went to? cos of the thead about the girl and her commitment ring?!!

i think that after reading how bad it would be to separate my dcs, and also hearing how sweet they are playing together right now (!) i am going to tell ex dh that there is no way ds can live with him. i hope he understands.. i think he will but he will be even more bitter with me than ever.

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:10

I would be inclined to refuse access until you could meet this woman. You are not asking to be friends with her or to interfere with her relationship with xh, just to put a face and a personality to someone who spends a lot of time with your ds.

Ask your dh how he would feel if the situation were reversed - if he were not allowed to meet a new partner of yours who would be spending a lot of time with ds. IME some people don't see the impact of their actions until they imagine themselves put in your situation.

Sorry, this is not what your OP was about at all is it? Whatever you decide, but especially if ds is to live with your xh, then you are perfectly within your rights to demand to meet her first imho.

hatrickjacqueline · 26/07/2007 12:10

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Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 12:10

Agree that if you haven't met the other woman you shouldn't even be considering it. I'm also not sure how I'd feel about splitting siblings up like that either. They should know that even though their parents live apart that they have each other.

I share residency with my ex but it's all very amicable and my dd has been in that situation since she was about 5. We purposefully didn't do it until she was old enough to understand. Couldn't you do something like that with both children rather than him having one and you having one?

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:11

Flowery, dh says i cant meet her as he fears i will punch her or similar! it is true i will be desperately trying hard not to yell abuse at her, i cant stand the thought of her egging dh on to have custody of our son.
i just want to meet her to say hello, im sure i could control my feelings.

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:11

sorry, x posts

Easier said than done I know but please don't let his bitterness bother you. Whether he understands or not isn't your concern.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:14

i have also said to dh "how would you feel if some man was seeing ds all the time and planning on maybe living with us"

but he says "men cant be trusted, woman can, men are only after sex and wont care about ds. my girlfriend loves ds properly, she is not just after sex. anyway i have known her for years and years, whereas any bloke you might meet will be a total stranger and i wont allow him near ds"

OP posts:
Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 12:18

He's still trying to control you. I think this is more about his ds not living with another man should you meet someone than it is about him wanting his ds to live with him. But that is only my take on it. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:21

you know what agbu, I don't know your story and I don't think we've "spoken" before, but I have to say that your xh sounds like a total twat.

You are well rid.

"men cant be trusted, woman can, men are only after sex and wont care about ds. my girlfriend loves ds properly, she is not just after sex. anyway i have known her for years and years, whereas any bloke you might meet will be a total stranger and i wont allow him near ds" how dare he? who does he think he is?

I am really for you.

Don't let him have ds. He will pass this mysogenistic view on to him.

I would be really, really tempted to refuse him access until you can meet her. Don't let him have his way with everything.

flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 12:24

how outrageous! Allgone could you meet her with exDH in a v public place so he will be more confident you won't make a scene. I think you do need to insist but to avoid unpleasantness as much as poss if they could specify where etc that might help.
Agree it sounds as though he is still trying to control you and as for it being 'different' if you meet a man, and he would not 'allow' DS to spend time with any new man, that's utter nonsense of course.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:25

the thing is, he is actually paying our mortgage for us as i only work part time and dont earn enough. we only moved into our home a year ago and we love it here, we really dont want to move again.
So dh is being good in paying the mortgage for somewhere he doesnt live, whilst he lives with his mum in a tiny house.

if i piss him off i know he will still pay for the house, so i feel i owe it to him to never stop him seeing ds/dd.

OP posts:
Pruners · 26/07/2007 12:27

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TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:29

Are you getting all the credits/benefits you are entitled to? He would have to pay maintenance anyway even if he were not directly paying the mortgage.

You don't owe him anything. Don't let him pressure you into giving him his way all the time.

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:30

I agree Pruners. I wonder if he is trying to get custody of ds so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance for him? Apols agbu if I am being to harsh on him but it is starting to look that way to me.

I would formalise a payment agreement with him. He could pull the rug out from under your feet at any time.

Pruners · 26/07/2007 12:34

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Original poster
allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:34

yes he has said one of the reasons he would have ds with him is so he can give up work and not have to pay for our house (!)

I know he is still very very hurt and angry about our split (- we hadnt been getting on for a year so i told him to move out and leave his key (harsh, i know).
He went a little weird for a few days, sounding suicidal but now he seems ok and has his new girlie.)
i have asked him to move back in as i know i still have feelings for him, but he has refused point blank and says he will nver let me hurt him again.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 12:35

it does sound as though he may be taking advantage of the fact that he is paying the mortgage on the house to keep some control over you unfortunately.
Don't think you should withold access to DS unless absolutely necessary, as that's unfair on him, but you will only be comfortable DS spending so much time with this woman if you have met her, and I think you can insist on that - if not, you could maintain access so as not to deny DS contact with his dad, but insist it doesn't involve the other woman until you've met her.

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 12:35

This is totally unfair. All weekend every weekend from Friday to Sunday I would say is far too much time at dh's.

Also, I would never let my child spend so much time with someone I had never met.

Please see a solicitor and a mediator and call a support group.

Your daughter obviously needs her brother.

Magicmayhem · 26/07/2007 12:40

blimey allgonebellyup.. he's been with his new girlfriend 3 months... is it a stable relationship, what if it all goes wrong? where will they live? does he see his children during the week? does he do everything for his son ie.. clear up his sick.. wipe his bum/nose or will the girlfriend be expected to do it?

sorry haven't read all the threads...

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