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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Any mums have a child who doesnt live with them?

99 replies

allgonebellyup · 25/07/2007 20:47

my ex dh is desperate to have our son live with him, we split 3 months ago and he has found someone new.
i am honestly thinking of letting ds live with his dad as they seem miserable apart from each other, ds is 3. i will still have dd with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:49

yes i will tigerfeet..

i usually love my "me" time

just this week i feel lower than ever, that s all.
i think my mum's lack of support and her harsh words are getting to me. i will never speak to my dd like that, i hope.

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 13:50

Try and plan sunday to be with someone who cares for you. Don't be on your own.

Another question: Do you think your ex wants you back?

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 13:51

a whole day of guilt free mning

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:54

thanks mama g for all of that!! you are v kind.

dont think either of us are quite ready for divorce just yet, dont you have to wait 2 yrs and its v costly isnt it??

my dh will never admit to having feelings for me still but i think there may be something there or he wouldnt be so angry. my friends dont believe this split is final, they think we will get back together. people were so shocked we split in the first place.

OP posts:

MamaG · 26/07/2007 13:58

There are 5 factors to prove a marriage has irretrivably broken down

2 years separation provided you both consent
5 years separation if only one consents
Unreasonable behaviour
Adultery (bingo!)
Desertion (never really used now)

IT doesn't have to be massively expensive. You could be entitled to legal aid, but thats a loan not a gift, and you may have to repay the money paid for your legal costs, but that can be done by way of a charge on your house or similar. If you can reach broad agreemetn with your ex, it can be done quite quickly and cheaply. REsolution solicitors try to do that.

If you're not ready for divorce, insist on a separation agreement drawn up legally.

Do you hve any joint bank accounts? CLOSE THEM! or freeze them

hth

MamaG · 26/07/2007 13:58

(you only have to use one of the five factors btw)

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:59

by the way , he didnt commit adultery, he didnt meet up with this girl he knew until after we had separated.

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 14:03

I think getting a formal separation document drawn up is an excellent idea. ExDh will see you are more in control of things, and also, if you really do want him back (are you sure??) and he feels the same deep down, it might give him a bit of a wake-up call.
At very least it would give you both a framework for how things will work in the meantime, and give a bit of stability.

MamaG · 26/07/2007 14:04

Yes but in the eyes of the law he is committing adultery because he is still married to you, so you could use that.

CarGirl · 26/07/2007 14:08

Is it worth writing to your dh about your dd reminding him that dd sees him as her Dad and misses him desperately and that whilst you understand that he wants one to one time with his son to have some regular contact that includes your dd as well would be good for ds too? Worth a try, appeal to his better nature. Will have to be a carefully thought through letter etc to get the tone right?

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 15:08

Just a reminder not to let go of your ds - he's only three. At that age they really can't choose between parents. He will probably want you both together, but if he feels pressured to make a choice, will want to go where life seems easiest / most fun / where there's most chocolates.

Basically I'm trying to say, get back to being main carer. He'll thank you for it later on, as will his sister, and possibly the Other Woman. You are capable of making him happy even when he misses Dad, try and ride through this phase. May the force be with you.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 16:08

just here to say have had another chat with dh about how rejected dd feels, and he admitted he could have handled it better and not punished her with his anger towards me.
He is agreeing to take her out every 2nd weekend and she already stays over at his about once a month, so thats good.
i just cant make him see how sad i am though.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 26/07/2007 17:17

Have you considered going for a shared residence order with equitable time spent with both mum and dad?

My partner had a truly excellent arrangement with his ex where his 3-4yo daughter spent 6 nights with him and 8 nights with mother. His daughter absolutely thrived on it. She had a clear understanding of having a home with mummy and a home with daddy.

This was working brilliantly until for reasons known to his ex she stated messing around with the arrangement. It ended up going through the courts initiated by his ex... After 8 months of hell he did get shared residency but only after alot of damage was done to the good working relationship they had had, both their bank balances (the lawyers were the winners here folks) and damage of the daughters relationship with the mother (shes angry with mum for stopping her seeing dad as much)

You guys look like you could work really well together for the benefit of both the kids. Your ex has already agreed he was wrong on how he treated dd and is going some way to rectify that yeah? So if you work together for for the best interests of both siblings you can carry on doing that in the future.

People may trot out the one size fits all scenario of weekend contact with dad... but one size does not fit all, children, separated parents and circumstance are all very individual!

Im currently 38 weeks pregnant so my partners lil girl will soon have a new baby sis- something shes very very excited about! Yes I can foresee difficulties in the future when for example partners dd wonders why her sis gets to be with daddy all the time or why they cant go to the same school but we will endeavor to deal with any and all problems as they arise with the firm goal of doing what is best for both sisters.

Good Luck allgone- hope things work out for everyone!

Remember keep talking and try to keep the lawyers out of your lives, they are a sure fire way to make things a lot lot worse IME!

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 17:46

yes i am definitely trying to avoid the solicitor/lawyer route, not only as its so expensive and i have NO money but also as it will make things even uglier between me and ex dh.

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 27/07/2007 09:52

Can you get legal aid?

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 27/07/2007 10:39

im not sure, but what i really want is to keep this out of the courts and keep it half-way friendly. Since i had to go through court with my dd's dad my relationship with him turned v nasty.

my sister has told me of a free solicitor at our local CAB who can draw up contracts RE my ex dh keeping up payments on the house. And i am happy for him to have ds every weekend, with dd every other weekend.So it should work out, but it doesnt make my sadness go away, thats all!

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 27/07/2007 11:05

What's your sadness about then? Is it that you feel ds or dh is rejecting you or is it that you miss them - because that may be the key to deciding how you want things to be in the future.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 27/07/2007 12:35

i just feel bad about the whole split, and sad that he has met someone so soon and i will never properly move on.

OP posts:

AMAZINWOMAN · 27/07/2007 13:38

Personally, I think 3 months is still very very very early days. Your son is still bound to be sad, as it is early days. Also you are not happy, and he may not be happy as he is picking up on your unhappiness.

Also, for him to find a new partner! Thats far too fast. it could be that he has just settled with the first person he has found rather than be alone. Also, you don't really know someone unless you have been with them for a long time. 3 months isnt.

you could send your ds there-and they split up-

also how would your daughter feel if your son moved house-would she feel rejected as your ex doesnt want her?

personally i think kids are better off with their mums. please hang in there-i think he is better off with you

yerblurt · 27/07/2007 13:43

"By AMAZINWOMAN on Fri 27-Jul-07 13:38:03

personally i think kids are better off with their mums. please hang in there-i think he is better off with you"

... and there you have the gender-facism prevelant throughout so much thinking post-separation

... mum knows best

... children belong with mum

what a load of crap

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 27/07/2007 13:49

yerblurt ?? what was that about?

i dont personally think kids are better off with their mums, it totally depends on which parent is the most suitable.. and i know my dh is a very good dad, thats why i WAS considering letting ds live with him.

Amazingwoman, dh has known this girl for years and i think they have always liked each other, so she isnt a stranger.

OP posts:

flossie64 · 27/07/2007 13:49

My son lives with his dad 500 miles away. it has been like this for 3 1/2 yrs .I don't like it but he was 12yrs old when I had to move with my Dh ,cos of his job, and his Dad would not let him come ,also the courts said he was old enough to choose.
In my case it was just that I was not a strong enough character to persuadehim that moving would be ok.His dad told him we were moving to another culture??? and he would nevermake friends here.
I only moved from Scotland to England not half way round the world to Timbuctoo(sp?)

AMAZINWOMAN · 27/07/2007 13:49

Yerblurt,maybe I didnt explainmyself properly. He has rushed into a relationship, after 3 months there is no certainty they will be together for the next 3 months. That is why they are better off with her. My point wasn't about gender

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 27/07/2007 13:52

Amazingwoman yes i agree that the relationship is new, but the girlfriend doesnt live with dh, she lives and works in another town and they wont live together (as dh lives with his mum - who i cant stand)

OP posts:

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