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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Any mums have a child who doesnt live with them?

99 replies

allgonebellyup · 25/07/2007 20:47

my ex dh is desperate to have our son live with him, we split 3 months ago and he has found someone new.
i am honestly thinking of letting ds live with his dad as they seem miserable apart from each other, ds is 3. i will still have dd with me.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 12:40

Sounds to me like he is still hurting and is trying to get at you.

It doesn't matter whose decision it was to split, he still should be reasonable with you regarding ds even if he can't be about anything else. After all, it sounds as if he has moved on with his life far quicker than you have which kind of justifies your decision to kick him out.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 12:41

oh god i cannot believe i am going through all of this AGAIN.

my dd's dad took me to court 4 years ago to gain access after he ignored her for 2 years. the court totally took his side and i was ordered to let him take her away to hotels every other weekend whilst she sobbed down the phone to me.it was truly horrible. luckily i had met dh and he was a great support.

dh and me used to be so close, so madly in love and he was so great with my dd. i cannot believe it has come to this again. i must be jinxed, ffs.

OP posts:

Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 12:43

Please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. He wants you to feel this way. He is controlling you. I agree with what everyone has said that you need to get yourself to a solicitor. Of course he is entitled to see his son but there is no reason for him to suggest or demand that he has full "custody" of him. If you get the ball rolling re visitation then it won't end up as it did with your dd's dad.

Scotia · 26/07/2007 12:46

You really need to get a solicitor. You might be entitled to Legal Aid? He's trying to undermine your confidence as a parent so he can hurt you by taking away your son. Don't let him force you into anything. He'll be pissed off at you for not letting him have custody? Tough! He's a child, not his possession, and he doesn't get to decide this issue on his own. Really, get some help with this. Good luck x

PS, I think it's a bit crap of him to turn his back on the step-daughter he has brought up for at least the last 3 years.

flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 12:47

Allgone you are not jinxed
You've just had some bad luck and it does sound like you are better off without ExDH however much in love you were.
You have two wonderful children from two relationships that weren't right for you, but two amazing things have come out of both of them.

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 12:48

That may be the key - you're jinxed. Somewhere down the line you're sending the message, totally inadvertently and it's not your fault, the message that you can have your dcs taken from you.

Your poor dd. Try to keep chin up, see a solicitor but not the same one as last time.

The only other relationship I have seen where the dh gets so much contact has been one in which the mother is manic depressive and the child is at risk.

It sounds like someone's taking advantage and you need people on your side.

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 12:51

Sorry if that sounded harsh - of course this is not your fault. These men, the courts, the system has jinxed you, nothing else.

You need to send out a different message - bang fists on tables, don't take this from anyone.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:06

to make matters worse on monday i had a one night stand with someone i know's ex..

i was just feeling so low, except now i feel worse and i have to see him around all the time

just spoke to my mum and she said shes disappointed in the way my life has turned out, and why cant i be "normal like all her friends' children?"..(god i am trying not to cry here)

OP posts:

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:07

thanks Flowery for the nice things you said.. i still feel absolutely miserable though, and worried for my dd.

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 26/07/2007 13:07

It makes me want to cry, let alone you.
You seem to have no support. Now's to find the support you need. Have you got any old friends you can reach out to?

hatrickjacqueline · 26/07/2007 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 13:10

I'm sorry your mum isn't being supportive. I think that's a horrible thing for her to say. You can regain control though and turn things around. Use that desire to say "I'll show you" into something positive. Yes it will be hard but you have more strength than you realise.

And I've split up with partners and rushed off and had a one night stand. It does fill a void for a short while but sometimes makes you feel horrible after. You can't dwell on that. What's done is done and you didn't do it alone, did you? So don't worry about facing him, he's done the same thing.

I think you need to sit down and make a list of what you need to do starting with the very practical things like figuring out what benefits you might be entitled to, finding a solicitor (or at the very least starting with the CAB). If you own your house you need to find out about the equity in it and make sure he is making payments. Make sure you're getting your council tax reduction. All little things that will make you feel more in control of the situation.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:10

i do have real life friends, and they all offer to have the kids so i can have a break etc, but nobody really knows how low i feel. they dont offer advice really, apart from keep hold of my ds and dont let dh have him.
my mother is a cow, she is so concerned with why her daughter(s) - (my sister who doesnt speak to me is in the same boat, split from her 2nd dh) are such failures, and what all her friends think.

OP posts:

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:14

Also my best friend's dp has just died a few months ago, so i feel i cant talk about how low i am, cos her situation will always be worse than mine. i feel like i have to keep my mouth shut as she is going through worse than me.

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 26/07/2007 13:26

allgone you are having a rough time aren't you?
I bet your best friend wouldn't mind hearing your troubles at all, she may welcome the chance to talk about something else other than her terrible situation, and feeling like she is helping you by listening might make her feel better as well. If she has lost her dp she may wish people wouldn't tiptoe around her and may really need to feel needed and wanted.

Like Elizaveta's advice of making a list of all the practical things you need to do, and focusing on them - if you are busy doing mundane but important stuff, you will feel you are making progress and getting things done which will make your situation and that of your DD and DS better, you will feel more in control as well which you do need to do as your ExDh is being controlling. Feeling more in control yourself will give you more confidence to deal with your ex as well.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:31

i think the saddest thing is that i really regret telling ex dh to leave, i realised i still love him, and the thought of him with someone else is horrid. i know he is angry and bitter that i took his little family away from him, but i feel like he will never stop punishing me.
i will never meet someone else and he loves that.

got tax credits etc sorted already, and cant get help with mortgage as homeowners.start a new job soon so that will help my money situation.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 13:31

Go and have a chat with your friend, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you.

You aren't getting much RL support are you

Definitely set the wheels in motion for a proper split from xh, go and see the CAB and check what you are entitled to.

Tinkerbel5 · 26/07/2007 13:32

allgonebellyup you sound so down your little boy needs his mummy, you and your ex have practically shared custody as it is, most fathers get their children every other weekend so I think that his access is fair, if you let your little boy go I doubt you will get him back and your ex and his girlfriend will be playing happy families with him. Dont seperate him and his big sister as it sounds like it will deeply effect her aswell if she has lost 2 father figures then her little brother [sad, I do think though that you have a right to meet the woman who is spending time with your son and should press for this, some women cant be trusted either.

Tinkerbel5 · 26/07/2007 13:34

why do you think you will never meet anyone else ? your ex is trying to punish you via your son, dont let him do this to you and your children, sounds like he only wants him so he can claim all the benefits, stand strong and you will get through the rough patch.

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:40

i have sunday to myself this week, dh is actually taking both the kiddies out so dd is happy now

my friends are on holiday this weekend, so i dont know what i will do on sunday - i feel like doing myself in, i really do

OP posts:

Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 13:44

AGBU, whereabouts in the country are you? Can you meet one of us for coffee on Sunday? I'm in London if that is of any use to you.

Tinkerbel5 · 26/07/2007 13:44

no you dont you are just going through a rough patch, if you feel that low then the only way is up, isnt there anyone else you can go out with sunday, or even the saturday night ?

Original poster

allgonebellyup · 26/07/2007 13:46

its not just this sunday, its all the time. my life is miserable and my children deserve a normal life, even my mum said so.it will never get any better, i dont see how it ever can.

thanks everyone for being so sweet and caring to me.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 13:46

Buy a magazine or trashy book

Run a deep bath with lots of bubbles

Spend at least an hour soaking

That's what I'd do if I were you

MamaG · 26/07/2007 13:47

allgone, this is my advice. I've been thinking about you a lot!

Please go to www.resolution.org.uk and find a Solicitor thorugh them.
If you haven't already, start divorce proceedings so you are in control and can get an Order from teh Court stating what will happen re house, children etc. Finances and children are separate issues, he must NOT be allowed to control you by threatening to not pay the mortgage if he doesn't see DS.
You are being a wonderful mother trying to put DS first, letting him have more contact with his DAd than any of my clients do, so DS doesn't suffer. You can only be commended for that.
Hopefully your Solicitor will recommend you attend family mediation to resolve all issues. When you get your final Order, he has to stick to what has been agreed (keep strong, stick to your guns) otherwise he'll be in the shit.
Re finances, teh first thing a Court will look at is if the needs of everybody can be met, i.e. is there enough money in the family pot for every body to buy a house etc. If not, priority is given to the person with care of the children - tahts you. Sounds like he knows this and is trying to take DS so he can have the lion's share of teh equity in teh house. Don't let him do this!
Talk talk talk to your best mate, if you think she's up to it. It might do her the world of good to provide support to you at this difficult time.

Keep posting, keep strong and let us know how you get on xxx

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