Help!!! ( 8yo girl)

[Mrosetta]

Hello!
I am a single mum of an 8 yr old girl and she’s literally controlling my life and I need advice . I’ve been on my own most of the time with her and her dad has had a partner for 7 years and she is fine with it .
I have been dating someone for 6 months and introduced them and he is amazing with her !! But she’s controlling me , I can’t put her to bed and watch tv she asks what I’m watching and to turn it off or she will scream , I can’t kiss my other half for longer than 2 seconds or my daughter will fly off the handle ! I cannot be alone with him she will follow us everywhere , she looks over my shoulder at my phone , she won’t sleep all night in her own bed and can never have my boyfriend stay as she will never sleep has to be watching us at all times .
Please help I’m doing everything I can
Thank you
Mum in desperate need of help

Oh no! This doesn't sound like a good time right now at all.

M
Have you tried to talk to her? See what the issue is?
Maybe that might help x

Yes we talk it through all the time and she just makes different things up and goes onto having a headache and says things like I’m going to split you two up !

I think I will have this problem if I ever meet someone. My son has really only ever known me. He was a baby when his dad stopped contacting him and it's been nearly 4 years now of just me and him. So I imagine he could act like this when the time comes.

Oh no. Her reaction doesn't sound good at all. Maybe you need to be firm and remind her you are the adult and make the decisions and why does she accepts her dad's other half. You love her and will always be her mom but you deserve to be yourself too. You aren't just a mom.

I think she's got a little issue with jealousy here.

Well, it's either you stop talking about it now and ignore it. It'll be be tough.. but sometimes the attention being drawn to it could be the thing that's spurring on her on.

Or the tough love route.
She's got to learn that it's not ok, and not everything is going to be her way. So when she's kicking off you stick to your guns and stick with what you've said. Let her kick off. She'll eventually realise she can't always get away with it xx

Was she previously sleeping in her own bed and going to bed at a decent time before your boyfriend was on the scene?

Thanks guys . @GinIsHappiness I think you are right with the jealousy thing .

And yes bedtime was always fine before we met - and is most nights until he stays occasionally .

I feel I’m going to have to be firm as I’m just losing my life, she has me to herself all the time apart from when I work.

I honestly can’t make any movement without her looking over my shoulder I feel so suffocated .

You have only been with him for 6 months and you have already introduced him to her and he is already sleeping over when she is there! Plus you seem like your either going off with him, kissing him or texting him.

When children react like this it means it is too much too quickly. You need to slow it down.

Ladies, introduce partners slowly. Start by social stories, a tea visit in a cafe or soft play then short visits to the home. Overnights should come much later. This is particularly true for girls. Don’t ever rush a man into your home, they will rush into relationships.
How would you feel if a strange man you didn’t know very well starting hanging out in your home.

She's clearly feeling threatened by the new BF being about.

Personally I think him staying over at six months is far too soon, and kissing him with more than a peck in front of her isn't really appropriate either. At six months, and at her age, I'd say it should just be like you and her hanging out with a friend.

You say she is fine with her dads relationship with his gf, so I assume she spends time with her dad? Can't your bf stay over when she's at his?

In what way is he ‘amazing’ with her? It’s fairly obvious from her behaviour that she does not seem to find him so amazing...

Am I correct that this is a page for advice from other mums / single parents and their personal opinions ? Not letsmock&bullyamum.com . Jesus . @Wildorchidz

He has an amazing approach with her and a very calming and reassuring influence with her and it’s very easy to see she has taken to him very positively . He shows a huge genuine interest in her hobbies and tasks she enjoys which sometimes I struggle to find the time to do . He is constantly reassuring her that she is mummies number 1 and that’s never going to change and that he’s there for both of us and not just me. She actually asks if he can pick her up from school some days and they go to the park . He’s more of the fun figure when I don’t have the time !

If I didn’t feel confident after 6 months of dating this was going to be something long term & secure , I wouldn’t of introduced him - it was as a friend at first! Lots of activities and soft play etc .

Now - back to the advice please !

I think you need to split the issues up. Snogging in front of your child needs to stop.

Did she go to bed in her own bed before .? If no then maybe a reward chart . If not then time to get firm .

The privacy thing with phone , she needs telling , however are you sat on your phone when bf is not there?

Do you have plenty time without him been there?

Sometimes actions show more than words so think about how your life has changed since you had bf?

There are so so many threads on MN where a new partner moves in and it all goes so badly wrong ...and the collateral damage suffered by the children can have lasting impact

You need to slow down you have basically blown up her life as she knows it and she is going to need time and patience

So take it slowly - days out on neutral territory, no PDAs that she finds uncomfortable and reassure her

If this is it for the long term then spending a few months getting it right for her isnt going to be a problem. And if he is in it for the long haul it wont put him off

So first step put yourself in her shoes - without you taking this the wrong way your posts are all about you and how it makes you feel.

Woah woah not once have I stated I have snogged in front of my child ! That does not and would never happen - we kiss hello and goodbye , a peck . Literally . And they say “ 1,2, that’s enough” it’s only on Wednesdays and sometimes every other weekend. It’s not on the regular , we’re easing it in , but it’s proving difficult .

Yes I’m on my phone when my boyfriend isn’t there? I’m a busy mum that runs a business and I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.

I have just introduced a reward chart - lately she hasn’t been going to sleep she’s been crying and screaming like a new born baby . I try and try to talk and calm her down and she picks everything I say apart .

Post edited by MNHQ

@Quartz2208 yes your absolutely right . I feel I need some sort of system that will help regulate her emotions and know it’s healthy to feel emotions too .

I think it needs to be a balance of you recognising her emotions and her recognising your need for a life outside of just her

Short term could your bf not just wait until she's asleep before coming round in the evening (or disappear for an hour while you deal with bedtime). This would at least take the stress away from everyone at night - allowing you to get some time with your bf while she's asleep and allowing your DD a lovely bedtime and good night's sleep.

@Sunshineonleith12 ideally this would be the best option the thing is even when he isn’t around after putting her to bed even if I take one step down the stairs she wakes up and cries and wants me to sit with her . I can’t make any noise at all like watch tv etc .

You've put a name in one of your posts OP, you may want to ask for that to be removed.

You are getting a bit of a hard time, but people are just really picking up that for your daughter this is a hard transition & somehow you need to make that better for her - over to you to consider why she is struggling so much & how you can smoothen things out. She is 8 & you are her main grown-up, she needs you to guide her gently through this. She is clearly struggling & maybe you need to be firm about some things & more sympathetic to others where she is having a hard time. Communication & time will work wonders, going slowly if that is what it takes shouldn't be a major issue if you & your partner are in it for the long haul.

Good luck!

You might need to tackle the sleep issues separately. Really work on it for the next week or so, building up her feeling of security but staying firm saying that she needs to stay in her bed. Reassure her you're nearby and can hear her but she is at an age where she can sleep in her own bed (imo). You are entitled to some evening time in your own home. It might be tough at first but worth the effort.

She's fine with dad's Dp as remembers no different... This is a massive change, of course she's acting up a bit! Needs reassuring she's still the most important person in your life. And nobody wants to watch anyone kissing for more than 2 seconds anyway.