Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Is it scary going it alone?

17 replies

ELMTREE · 07/07/2007 21:03

I have been married for nearly 4 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Things are gradually going from bad to worse in our marriage and i just dont know what to do for the best. We live in tied housing so i would have to leave, which worries me as how long would it take to find a place, and how much money do you get towards things like, rent, electric, council tax etc......

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 07/07/2007 21:16

If either you or dd are being abused, there are women's refuges where you can stay until you find somewhere.

I have no first hand experience of what you are going through, but I knew some one who left large house and v affluent husband to live on £80 per week (for her and 2 kids). H thought she would soon be back but she wasn't.

I'm not saying you'll get any particular sum, just that there are benefits in place and you may have to manage on a lot less than you are used to (in the short term).

To get free advice with up-to-date info on current support available, go to Citizens' Advice Bureau.

Original poster
ELMTREE · 07/07/2007 21:30

thank you elastic....we are gonna go to relate and see where it goes from there. I have already phoned tax credits and they gave me a figure for child te=ax credits and working tax credits and child care costs. I also found a website and calculated what DH would have to give me child maintenance.

OP posts:
MascaraOHara · 07/07/2007 21:32

I think how hard it is depends on how unhappy you are.

Ffor me my dd's father was violent and unpredictable so for me I found it an easy decision, though I had to be patient which was frustrating.

Once I walked out the door, it was just relief.

I think there are alot of upsides to parenting alone too.

divastrop · 07/07/2007 21:36

hi.i have been a single parent,for 2 years with ds and dd1,and then for 3 years with ds1,dd1,and ds2.

both my x's were abusive and i was scared of being on my own,especially the first time,but once i got benefits sorted etc and things settled down,i found being on my own so my easier and less stressful then being unhappy in a relationship.

i was also alot better off money-wise on benefits as both the x's were crap with money and i'm not,so i didnt have the stress of baliffs etc calling at the door.

being with a man who loves and respects you in an equal relationship,is easier than being alone(i have only found that out since meeting dp),but being in an unhappy or abusive relationship is 100 times harder than being on your own IME.

Original poster
ELMTREE · 07/07/2007 21:48

i suppose i just feel scared of being left on my own. I suffer from depression and panic attacks, although i havent had an attack for years but worry that all the stress of the split would bring one on.
He grabbed me by the throat about a week ago as he was drunk and said i was nagging him, so i left for 4 days but went back. I think relate is the last resort.

OP posts:
Original poster
ELMTREE · 08/07/2007 07:36

back again.

OP posts:
Speccy · 08/07/2007 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EscapeFrom · 08/07/2007 08:07

Like divastrop, I am finding being on benefits easier than being with someone outrageously selfish with money. Ok, I am still poor, but at least I now know how poor I am! And for things like school trips etc there is now an acknowledgement that I am poor, whereas before I was with someone waged and "But he spent it all in a fruit machine!" just doesn't cut it! I cope ok. I am certainly not rich, and my clothes come from charity shops, but neither am I forced to live on waffles and beans. I don't smoke and don't regularly drink, which helps.

I like only having to cook for myself and the kids, I am free from the tyranny of the deep fat fryer and cheap pie.

The lonliness is a bitch, but you will find something to occupy your time, and hey, at least you're lonely on your own, not lonely because someone isn't talking to you for three and a half years

Women's refuges can help you a lot. Ring Women's aid 0808 2000 247, they give EXCELLENT advice and did to me, although I was not typically battered.

Here is a useful site for you
www.entitledto.co.uk/
You put your details in and it will give you a rough idea of the help you will get in any given situation.

I hope this helps you a bit.

Original poster
ELMTREE · 08/07/2007 08:53

Thank you all so much for your comments. Will try the websites. x

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 08/07/2007 10:59

Alcohol is a big factor, clearly. I wonder if your husband realises his drinking is getting out of hand and threatening his marriage. Perhaps you could also contact AlAnon - organisation for the families of alcoholics.

So sorry you are going through this Elmtree. You do need outside help. Do you have extended family, parents etc?

Tinkerbel5 · 08/07/2007 11:07

ELMTREE dont stay if you are unhappy, it is scarey making the jump but you have your and your daughter's welfare to consider. You can privately rent but need money upfront, you could get up too half the rent paid and possibly minimal or nothing council tax benefit, you dont get any help for utility bills, definately go to the CAB and they will calculate what you are entitled to.

Original poster
ELMTREE · 09/07/2007 12:27

I'm finding it hard to say whether i am unhappy or not really. When he comes home from work and we are together as a family and he plays with dd i think there is a chance we can sort this out. But then there are times when he keeps things from me or doesnt consider me at all, and we have an argument and then i think, get out.
Ive heard back from relate and they cant fit us in until August. I dont think we will last til then.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 09/07/2007 16:44

Many people regret splitting up from their partner, so unless you are in imminent physical danger, do consider hanging on in there till you can get to the counselling. If he is even willing to go to Relate with you, your relationship must be in with a chance.

Do you get time for yourself Elmtree, other than the odd few moments on MN?

suezee · 09/07/2007 16:55

you need to do whats best for you at the end of the day.its poo being on your own at first but like everything u have to deal with it. me and dp seperated for 6 months a few years ago and i was absolutely distraught....but after a month of wallowing in self pity i got my foot back on the ladder and started climbing. the break did both of us wonders in the long run as the grass iant always greener on the other side.

Original poster
ELMTREE · 09/07/2007 20:39

Husband has just walked out the house. He came home from the gym and told me he was getting a part time job. I feel like it will wreck any chance our marriage has as we will not see each other. He also made me give up my 4 days at work as we never saw each other and he was fed up of dealing with our dd on his own. Surely this is now a role reversal.

OP posts:
Speccy · 09/07/2007 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 10/07/2007 16:07

Sounds to me like the issue is about working hours, who does them and how to share the care of dd. Is that right, Elmtree?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread