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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Has anyone had to deal with threats from ex-partners?

27 replies

zmandaz · 27/06/2007 22:02

Just when I thought things were settling down I received 3 abusive calls from my ex husband today. I then got a call from my solictors saying he had rung them and been very abusive, and, mid-tirade had told them DD and I are no longer safe. It turns out that he went to court to get his parental responsibilities removed and they sent him away with a flea in his ear. My solicitor took the threats seriously though so I have called the Police but they werent able to get here tonight, they are coming over tomorrow morning but I have no idea what will happen next. I know that the calls made this morning were from his home number and he lives about 3 hours away from us but it wouldnt be hard for him to get to us. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on what the Police might do? He is really unstable and Ive seen what hes capable of when hes angry which is why I left him in the first place. I dont want him anywhere near DD now but dont know if an injunction will stop him.

OP posts:

newlifenewname · 27/06/2007 22:05

Phone the Police again and explain quite explicitly that you fear for your safety and need assistance immediately.

They may make you go to a place of safety - which makes sense - so be prepared to go to one if you seriously believe he is a real threat.

Injunction will have some effect but won't stop anyone intent on doing real harm without any regard for the consequences.

The Police can be a mixture of v. helpful and useless so you will have to be very clear about the threat he poses and do not diminish his behaviour.

divastrop · 27/06/2007 22:10

i got lots of threats in the first year after i threw my xp out.he would phone saying he was in his car outside and was going to kick the door in etc.

luckily,all his threats were just that,threats.at the end of the day,most abusive men are just pathetic cowards who like to scare you.

i dont remember the police doing much TBH,i couldnt get an injunction as i had no proof of the threats(it was a while ago before i had a mobile phone).

my ex stopped bothering to threaten me when i stopped being scared of him and he saw it had no effect on me anymore.

is there anybody who could sit with you tonight?i found it used to help me to have a friend over when i was scared.

i hope somebody will be along soon who can advise you on injunctions etc.

take care

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 27/06/2007 22:13

Call women's aid 0808 2000 247

They may be able to help you tonight.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

j20baby · 27/06/2007 22:18

is there anyone you can go to just for tonight, just in case?

if you go for an injuction, try to get one with the power of arrest attached to it, otherwise its useless.

hth and good luck x

controlfreaky2 · 27/06/2007 22:23

press for police to act. also speak to your solicitor asap about getting an injunction. the threat they made througfh the solicitors will suffice with what you know of him.... you can go without notice to him in the first instance. the injunction should include your dd. you should also seek advice about a residence order / prohibited steps order in relation to your dd to safeguard her position. dont leave it if you really fear he may act to harm you.
good luck.

j20baby · 27/06/2007 22:28

also, keep a log of phonecalls and texts as proof

Debra1981 · 27/06/2007 22:57

i've had many threatening phone calls from my ex, every couple of months, several times a day each time, since i left with dd and have reported each to both police and sol's. Solicitor is saying they cant get public funded legal aid for injunction unless actual violence has taken place recently, and police should arrest and place bail conditions of no contact. Police were reluctant to lift a finger on several occasions but eventually insisted on giving ex a verbal warning before finally arresting him, courts given him a caution for harassment with no conditions so i'm no better off. it's not put me off tho and i will continue to report it cos at least if he tries to get custody/unsupervised contact its on record (phone service provider will have records of his calls) that he's recently been a major arse, and the police have it recorded that i've felt threatened by him. it is true most of it is codswallop, even from my violent ex, they just get a kick out of continuing to try and control you by means of fear. well done for getting away tho, best for you and dd by the sounds of it!

j20baby · 27/06/2007 23:00

womens aid where really good with me, hope you are ok and safe

MrsWho · 27/06/2007 23:05

BT logged the calls but a lot came from phone boxes.Police warned him off me and gave him a warning for harrassment

TippiHedren · 27/06/2007 23:14

My ex did once kick my door down and police were useless, rang 999 when it was happening but he heard me and legged it! When they arrived my door was no longer in one piece so had to call the locksmith out to secure it at a huge cost to me. Went to a place of safety for a week until he was arrested after i had traced his address and given it to police. They cautioned him and that was it!! Have now moved house! Hope you guys are ok, just dont rely on much help from the police.

madamez · 27/06/2007 23:15

Whereabouts in the country do you live? Because there is a very good women's centre in Croydon and I think another one in BIrmingham. Also there has been some press about the police failing to protect threatened women recently, which might mean they are a bit more inclined to be helpful. Keep a record of everything possible, tell everyone who cares about you - are there friends or relatives who could put you up for a night or two?

Good luck and very best wishes.

studentmum1 · 27/06/2007 23:28

My ex through threats about from the day my daughter was born, when the police do come to speak to you, they will ask what you want to do, say you would like to take it as far as possible and press charges, i didn't after my ex had pulled a knife out on me while i was holding my 8 week old daughter in my arms... as a result when we went court for him to have access to her, they disregarded the incident because no charges had been pressed...

Original poster

zmandaz · 28/06/2007 09:00

Thanks for all the messages. I'm currently staying with my parents so I'm not alone but ex knows where we live and we can't change the phone number for business reasons. I called 999 last night because exh left a message on my answering machine saying he was coming to smash my face in and snatch DD. They were very good and took the message down word for word. They rang exh to make sure he was still at home(but I don't know if he would have answered) and said they would keep going past our house and keep an eye out for his car as it's distinctive. They said that they could arrest him for harrassment but they could only tell him to stay away from us whilst he as being processed and that the likelihood is that he'd just be given a warning. They said to ring solicitor this mornning to start injunction proceedings and that if exh makes any more trouble to call them back and they'll send the details to his local force to arrest him. We've had one silent phone call this morning but nothing else since so I've logged it but will wait and see what happens today. Exh hasn't even got the sense to withold his number but at least I know he's still at home for the time being. I definitely don't want anything to do with men anymore now!

OP posts:

j20baby · 28/06/2007 09:12

Poor you, i hope you get things sorted x

glitterfairy · 28/06/2007 09:13

zmandaz my X was arrested for harrasment and theft after he had repeatedly come into the house and made threats against me with witnesses and then got into the house and took loads of stuff.

They cautioned him and put restrictions on him. He was added to the police computers so that if I was anywhere in the UK he could be arrested for coming near me. However an injunction was too expensive for me at the time and I regret not getting one. The police considered charges but in the end the crown prosecution service said it would be too difficult for the theft and we all decided that the harrssment charge was too much to put the kids through. I regret this now as the courts did not really listen when he went for joint residency and stopped me moving.

The police were fab to start with and really really supportive. They installed an alarm, into my house which made me feel a whole lot better and were really cross when he came round one day and I didnt press it. He hadnt been violent or abusive and I loathed getting him into more trouble.

On reflection I should have been tougher still but thought I was being tough enough. It has been a long two years now and I have really leaned a lot. Womens Aid were fantastic and supported me through counsellign for over a year now. It was the police who put me in touch with them.

X moved on from me to the kids by the way and in the end has lost out all round but frankly I wish I had pressed charges as someone said earlier.

All I can say is be firm and come here a lot. I had to stop posting as X read my posts and reported them in court. You need to be careful as men like this can often stalk you in cyber space as well.

Take care of yourself and your dd, ask for help and above all be firm and get the help which is out there and will definitely come your way. Glad you are at your parents and sorry you are going through this.

Tinkerbel5 · 28/06/2007 10:37

zmanadaz how awful for you, but its a good thing he did it to your solicitor so they know how dangerous he is, I wouldnt want this type of guy having parental responsibiltiy for my child, is this all down to maintenace ?

Original poster

zmandaz · 28/06/2007 19:10

Well, since this morning I have found out that he has since emailed my solictor saying his intention is to do harm to me and snatch DD. Basically, he's intent on having his parental responsibilities removed and I guess the courts must have told him that the only way this can happen is if his behaviour puts DD at risk - so he's putting her at risk. I can't explain why, all I can say is he's mentally unstable and that worries me greatly as I believe that he's capable of doing something stupid. I spoke to the police this morning and they said that unless he does anything physical to me there's nothing I can do. I since had a long conversation with my solicitor who is fantastic. She said that's rubbish as he has threatened intent to harm and she's written a letter telling the police what to arrest him for and why. Because they have evidence in writing as well as a statement from her secretary who spoke to him and the answer phone message left last night which the PC wrote down word for word, we should have enough to have him arrested for harrassment and malicious commuications. I have to wait until the PC I spoke to last night comes on duty again which isn't until 10pm but he's coming round to collect all the details and then hopefully we can get it sorted. I really can't begin to understand exh's actions but all I do know is that he's burnt his bridges as far as any contact goes and at this rate he's going to end up in prison and he'll definitely lose his job if he gets charged so probably his house too - all his doing! Thanks again for your messages of support, they are a great help.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 28/06/2007 20:51

You poor thing. I hope the police sort this out pronto because you really dont want to ahve to worry. Sort out an alarm with the pc when he comes as well it made me feel loads better and whenever it went off I had four guys round within minutes and squad cars on blue lights.

controlfreaky2 · 28/06/2007 21:16

what does he mean he wants his parental responsibility removed? why? are you married? how did he acquire pr? unless it was by a court order giving him pr he cannot "have it removed". does he think this would mean he has no financial responsibility for your dd? if so he's wrong.....

Original poster

zmandaz · 29/06/2007 07:44

Controlfreak2 - we were married when DD was conceived and the divorce was finalized when she was 6 months old. DNA tests have proved she is his. In his own warped way he has decided he wants nothing to do with her so wants his responsibilities removed but the court said no. I can't quite believe I'm writing this but things have stepped up a gear as he has now made a specific threat to have DD 'put down' which the Police heard. I'm waiting to hear from them but they indicated he will probably be arrested for 'making threats to kill' which is really serious and he could go to prison. I'm beside myself with worry. He is truly unstable and I think he's a real threat. The hardest part is having to face getting on with life for my daughter's sake and not letting her pick up on the stress.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 29/06/2007 08:57

then as i thought there is no possible way in which this would be possible (removal of pr). it all sounds v frightening. would you consider going to stay with friends / family until you know what the police will do / you can get court orders..... what do you think has made him behave in this bizzare way? does he have a history of mental illness? has he been violent to you in the past?

Original poster

zmandaz · 29/06/2007 09:37

He was abusive whilst we were married which is why I left him and I believe he has had a history of violence and mental instability although I have no proof. I really don't understand what has set him off as it's just so extreme but something has to be done now as he's gone too far. I hope they get him to see a Psychiatrist once they've arrested him as I think he should be sectioned. I am staying with my parents for the foreseeable future so I have them around and they've been great. I'm hoping the police will let me know what's happening soon as the waiting is awful.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 29/06/2007 13:47

good luck. stay strong. let us know how you get on.

Original poster

zmandaz · 30/06/2007 19:15

Ex-h has gone one stage further now and has actually threatened to kill DD. Thankfully I have the message on tape. The Police have issued a warrant for his arrest but I've found them very slow and reluctant to keep me informed of whats happening. Needless to say, I'm beside myself with worry. I finally got to speak to a Detective today and he said they are treating it seriously etc but it's taken a while to get all the statements together and to pass all the details to the force in his area. I just can't believe this is happening. I'm still going abroad on Monday - I think it's probably the safest place to be right now but until then I can't be left alone and we're having to lock the doors all the time etc. I've never been so scared in my life and the waiting for news is driving me mad.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 01/07/2007 10:18

Do you ahve an alarm? They really should give you one with all of this.

You poor thing I am thinking of you it sounds absolutely awful. Feel free to vent on here and keep us updated.

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