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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Transport to dads visits?

94 replies

Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 12:35

Hi guys, merry Christmas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.

I have a quick question about arrangements for my DS to see his dad. We live about 12 miles away, and always have done, we never properly lived together. My ex hasn’t had a car for over a year so from 3 days after DS was born, I was travelling with me and baby back and forwards.

Now we have split up, I have said that on the days he sees his son, which at th moment is one day a week, he can do the travelling. I said the same about the usually once a week that ex’s parents have DS, they can do the travelling too. So far he has done it once, the second time will be tomorrow and he’s started today being quite abusive, saying I’m being unfair, and I’m nuts etc etc etc. He thinks we should be doing one journey each. I could do into details about why I don’t agree with this, BUT I’m kinda thinking it’s quite straightforward and that’s it’s really his reposnsibility?

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 26/12/2018 13:14

It's like the twilight zone on here sometimes. The man should pick up/drop off his child. If he has no transport of his own or doesn't want to use public transport/taxis he should live closer. What would he do if OP didn't have her own transport.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 13:16

Second wives out in force I think. Seen it a lot over Christmas this year.

Vitalogy · 26/12/2018 13:24

Second wives out in force I think. Seen it a lot over Christmas this year. I've never been a first wife

Youbrokemytwatometer · 26/12/2018 13:26

@Cassie85 why did you plan two babies with a man you've never even lived with? Im
genuinely curious. You don't paint a very good picture of him, but now you are stuck with him for life.

And you say he is very traditional/conservative, which he really obviously isn't.

Original poster

Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 13:30

Why is he not traditional?

OP posts:

Youbrokemytwatometer · 26/12/2018 13:33

He has planned two babies with a woman he's never even lived with.

Original poster

Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 13:35

He didn’t like it at all. He wanted me to move in before we had the second one, I was spending half my time at his and half my time at mine to try an compromise.

It just didn’t work, he did nothing in the house, and very little with DS. He loves him, but just wasn’t very hands on. Never helped through the night.

So that’s why things broke down. If we had lived together these problems would probably have rated their heads sooner but I don’t regret having the two babies an neither does he. It’s raw just now but we will make it work.

OP posts:

Ginandsonicscrewdriver · 26/12/2018 13:39

use public transport/taxis he should live closer.

Why should he move?! So odd.

OP it sounds conplicated, I hope things work out. With another baby on the way he really needs to step up and take some responsibility.

Original poster

Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 13:43

Thanks gin, it’s a complete mess. But the good thing is that by the time the babies are old enough to know what’s gling on, this stage will be over and everything will be nice and calm for them.

OP posts:

snowone · 26/12/2018 13:43

I personally think that if he wants to see his son that he should come and collect him. Maybe you need to stop taking him there to make him realise how much you are doing. It's a tough one because if you don't take him then you won't get a break but I think I would try to take a stand for a few weeks and not be so available!!

Vitalogy · 26/12/2018 13:56

Why should he move?! So odd. I think it's odd not wanting to be as close as possible to where your child lives. Especially if you don't like travelling.

With another baby on the way he really needs to step up and take some responsibility. Exactly. Picking up/dropping off a child you see once a week is basic. He can't even be bothered to sort that.

Hellywelly10 · 26/12/2018 13:59

I always insisted on the ex doing all the drop offs and pick ups. Its his contact time its up to him to facilitate it. Did you post the other day op? Do you trust him to have baby all day.

Nicknamesalltaken · 26/12/2018 15:30

I don’t really understand what his reason is for not collecting his child and bringing him home.

He just doesn’t want to?

Welcome to parenting. A lifetime of doing things you don’t want to do.

Original poster

Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 18:32

I think he just thinks that it’s me taking the piss if I don’t do it.

But I didn’t do it, and he still picked up and dropped off DS and didn’t mention it, so 👍🏼

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 26/12/2018 18:47

Try not to worry about what he thinks OP. Glad you were saved a journey. Try and stick with this routine now. If he doesn't make the effort he doesn't see his child. Due to his lack of basic effort your child will see this sooner rather than later, if this continues being the case that is. Hopefully he comes to his senses and steps up.

ohhi · 27/12/2018 11:31

He should be picking him and and dropping him off. You do deserve a break and he always needs to take some responsibility for his son.

DuchessMinnie · 29/12/2018 11:30

I agree with you OP. My XH and his GF decided that I should share the transport too. I reluctantly agreed to do one way once a month (he has them 2 weekends a month) but that was purely for the DC' sake as he was refusing to have them unless I agreed. Couple of years on and he lets them down every other contact weekend, regular as clockwork he always has an excuse for the weekend where I don't share travel.i should never have given in as you give them an inch and they start taking a mile.

Stuck to your guns would be my advice. You already do the lion's share.

Original poster

Cassie85 · 29/12/2018 17:11

Thanks Minnie. Sorry to hear about your situation. As much as my ex annoys me, I know he will still come to get DS whether I share the travel or not.

I can see why you do it, it’s frustrating and unfair, but I suppose the consolation is that your children will grow up to see what you do for them, and what the father doesn’t. Not much help to you now, ut I believe you are doing the right thing by your DC.

OP posts:

PoesyCherish · 30/12/2018 17:18

I always insisted on the ex doing all the drop offs and pick ups. Its his contact time its up to him to facilitate it.

@HellyWelly10 surely by that logic at the end of his contact time it's your contact time again and you should be doing the picking up?

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