Transport to dads visits?

[Cassie85]

Hi guys, merry Christmas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.

I have a quick question about arrangements for my DS to see his dad. We live about 12 miles away, and always have done, we never properly lived together. My ex hasn’t had a car for over a year so from 3 days after DS was born, I was travelling with me and baby back and forwards.

Now we have split up, I have said that on the days he sees his son, which at th moment is one day a week, he can do the travelling. I said the same about the usually once a week that ex’s parents have DS, they can do the travelling too. So far he has done it once, the second time will be tomorrow and he’s started today being quite abusive, saying I’m being unfair, and I’m nuts etc etc etc. He thinks we should be doing one journey each. I could do into details about why I don’t agree with this, BUT I’m kinda thinking it’s quite straightforward and that’s it’s really his reposnsibility?

Any advice is appreciated.

When your son is weaned are you going to be providing food and snacks? Toiletries like toothbrushes? Providing nappies, milk and wipes in like providing toilet paper and a bare minimum requirement of looking after a child imo.

People seem to have different opinions on this. That’s fair enough, I suppose with a lot of this kind of thing, people will think differently.

Suppose. I just have to do what I thinks right for my situation.

Thanks nickname. I’m not trying to be lazy or pass responsibility, I just want to be able to make the most of my day to myself. My DS sleeps very poorly and I’m exahausted and to just go to bed would be bliss. I know what you mean though.

Gummy, I hope not. I don’t want to be. I don’t have a lot of money and any little bits I can save is great, plus I’d rather dad got used to doing these things, like making bottles etc before having DS overnight. At he moment I am really trying to avoid confrontation with him, so trying to choose my battles. You’re right though, he needs to get some supplies in and start doing these things for himself.

I'm with you op. Considering your ex does nothing all other days, and you do everything, you would have thought that the least he could do is be responsible for travel on the day he sees your child. Sadly I'm 6 years in and I do half the travel as its just not worth the agro - and my child's dad only sees him every third weekend. Its ridiculous really. Either stand your ground now or do half the facilitating and make your peace with it.

Yeah pic, I’m trying where possible to start the way I mean to go on. The whole time before we split up, I done all the travelling. Ex never bought a car as he didn’t need do, I done all the running about, and now he doesn’t have one and expects me to do the same.

I need to do the same with the bottles carry on and try and get things organised but there’s so much Agro and it’s baby’s first Christmas so I’m trying to get one thing sorted at a time .

I’m also pregnant and as the pregnancy progresses, I definately won’t be travelling back and forward and that would cause rows then if I done it and then stopped.

What’s easier and safer for your son? I’d pick my battles, bottles etc are far more of a pain in the arse than dropping him off (but not picking him up, one way is fair).

You have to facilitate (which means making your son available).

What you DON’T have to do is bloody spoon feed it to him, especially when it sounds like he makes minimal effort. Take it from a Mum 11 years down the line, it makes a rod for your back and doesn’t benefit your child.

So, OP, I wish you and your boy a lovely, stress free Christmas.

If he wants to see his boy, he’ll find a way. Not your problem.

So you drive?

How does tne length of trip compare for public transport v car?

I think generally shorter trip, in car seat, is best for the child.

He doesn’t come on public transport. He uses his mums car.

You have a 5 month old and your pregnant?

If it’s such a big deal get an order put in place.

Seriously though, pick your battles. It’s not a long journey. Doing one way is fair, why should he do all the travelling? He hasn’t moved away, you’ve never lived together?

Yes, I have a 5 month old and I’m pregnant. Why?

Gin, I know what you’re saying about picking battles. You’re totally right.

OP, how far into your second pregnancy are you? And is it to the same guy?

You are going to have an awful lot on your plate here.

I have my first scan on Monday. Yep, me dad, both babies were planned, just didn’t expect this to happen. Yeah I’m going to have my hands full 🙈😂. It’ll be worth it though. Even though it’s not ideal, I’m really happy about being pregnant, my ex is too.

• same dad

I wonder if maybe - as a temporary measure - you have to do away with the notion of anybtime being your own? Things will change as your pregnancy progresses and the second baby comes. I had two within 14 months - in some ways it’s easier as you have two babies, toddler/baby combo is harder IME.

If it’s the same dad, things will change again I imagine, and he’ll have to take more responsibility.

Ahh, sorry, crossed posts.

He needs to take more responsibility. Simple as.

Yeah nickname it’s same dad and he will want to be involved with baby 2 as well which is what I want. I know he doesn’t owe me anything, but if he said that despite him thinking it’s unfair, he would do the pick ups and drop offs and let me have a rest, especially when being pregnant, it would mean a lot. But I don’t think we are going to be able to have that kind of relationship.

Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s something I can do for the short term, say until he gets a car, but after a certain amount of time, I’m going to stop. That might be a bit more compromising.

Yeah a few people have said that having two babies can be easier. A big factor for me was my age, I’d like to have a few children and I’m mid30s now. I didn’t foresee getting pregnant so quickly but wanted to give myself plenty time.

A lot of people have also said that babies with a small age gap can sometimes grow up to be a lot closer. What are your little ones like?

It's pretty simple though- if he won't do the journey, you get no break. I would have thought 50/50 one picks up one drops off would be reasonable. If you don't want to facilitate that, then you'll probably have to accept that he won't be involved at all.

Your child going to their dads isn’t to give you a break. It is for the child to see their dad. I think one way each is perfectly reasonable. My ex and I have done that for years and we travel further than 12 miles. It shows cooperation between parents. In your shoes I would continue making the bottles as then I would know they are done properly and my child has food. Once they are weaned it obviously stops so not very long at all. You are going to find it tough having two babies and limited support. Again in your shoes I would have waited until the baby is a little older but then we are all different. You are certainly not going to be getting any rest days as I think dad will find it very hard looking after two babies.

Not so little - 17 and 16 now. Completely different personalities. When they were little I had two of everything - two high chairs, double buggy. It couldn’t have been awful because I had DC3 quickly. I had four babies in 5.5 years. But, I was a SAHM and immersed myself in it. XH was around, but worked away a lot. It’s hard graft, very physical, but that’s all it is. They went to bed at the same time, napped at the same time. I had a routine, and am someone who is very organised. It’s all completely do-able. But not easy.

Simple - he says he will do it. Just that I’m ‘expecting him and his parents to chase me’ to get DS. And that I’m being unfair by not doing it. He will still do it if I sy I’m not, I just wondered what other people thought about it and what other peoples experiences are.

My parents weren’t together and my dad always picked up and dropped off. Other split parents I know are the same so I am just going from my experience but wanted to know if other people don’t things differently. I don’t want to be unfair, I really don’t.

My experience wit this guy is the more you do for him, the more he comes to expect which is why I’m trying to get him to sort out his own stuff a bit. But hearing others opinions helps a lot, even if they’re not the same as mine. :-)