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Lone parents

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Original poster

Transport to dads visits?

94 replies

Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 12:35

Hi guys, merry Christmas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.

I have a quick question about arrangements for my DS to see his dad. We live about 12 miles away, and always have done, we never properly lived together. My ex hasn’t had a car for over a year so from 3 days after DS was born, I was travelling with me and baby back and forwards.

Now we have split up, I have said that on the days he sees his son, which at th moment is one day a week, he can do the travelling. I said the same about the usually once a week that ex’s parents have DS, they can do the travelling too. So far he has done it once, the second time will be tomorrow and he’s started today being quite abusive, saying I’m being unfair, and I’m nuts etc etc etc. He thinks we should be doing one journey each. I could do into details about why I don’t agree with this, BUT I’m kinda thinking it’s quite straightforward and that’s it’s really his reposnsibility?

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
Nicknamesalltaken · 25/12/2018 16:53

I think you should do one journey each for now, but as the PG progresses, and you have a new born, he should come to you/or do both. What is it? An hour for each of you? I imagine it’s going to be a fairly short term arrangement as it’s going to keep changing as you go through the different stages of babydom.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 16:55

It’s 12 miles so about 20 minutes, which is why I don’t get him complaining about it. That’s why I’m eondering if it’s so he can have a drink, as he’s wanting me to pick DS up.

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Nicknamesalltaken · 25/12/2018 17:04

I would agree to it - for now - but would want to do the taking.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 17:06

thanks very much for your advice. It helps a lot.

OP posts:
ISdads · 25/12/2018 17:16

Never met anyone in rl who drives their kids to the ex for his contact time. How about you, op? Know anyone in rl who does that?

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 17:20

ISdads - no I don’t. Which is my I’m surprised he is asking me to do it, ut when I said no he said somethings which made me feel quite bad and doubt myself which is why I thought I’d see what other people thought.

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ISdads · 25/12/2018 17:32

Mumsnet isn't always all that, erm, grounded in reality ....
I'd just look around you - if you don't see any other mums doing that for their ex, and it's a pain for you, don't do it

My personal opinion is that he is a man child and once you stop doing everything, he will not step up. That's his choice. His parents might actually be a better bet. I do know gparents who have kept up visitation after their son stopped. They did their own pick up/drop offs.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 17:39

Thank you, I agree with you. It’s just a stressful time and I’m doubting myself. Splitting up with kids involved i#nt easy is it.

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Knitwit101 · 25/12/2018 17:46

Think about what will matter most to you in the future when you have a small baby as well. I would imagine you would prefer him to come to you, spend some time with baby, take older one out for a while. So I would set that pattern now. You could drop off for now but he definitely returns ds home. As you get more pregnant he should start collecting too.
Carry on packing up the bottles for now, pick your battles.

I have 16 months between my older sons. When they were little they were really close. Now they are 11 and 12 not so much. I imagine they will come back to each other as they get older.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 18:05

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen with the new baby. I don’t really want my ex in my home, he’s quite nasty to me, and I think he will want to age the baby away, butwe will have to sort something out.

I agree with keep doing the bottles. I can have a world with him about that at a later date.

Yeah I’m sure they will, I suppose that age is quite tricky anyway isn’t it, hopefully they will get that closeness back.

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welshmercury · 25/12/2018 18:13

I think he should pick them up on his days. Make it an environmental issue as if you take there and back it’s 4 car journeys where’s if he did it only 2. Also start asking for petrol money. It’s not cheap. I can understand what you are saying about having a bit of me time
As you can’t get any errands you need to done. His kid too so if he won’t come he doesn’t see kid then that’s on him. I would drive to see my kid

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 18:19

Thanks welsh, it would still be the same amount of journeys for us. The petrol is an issue, my car is a guzzler which I really need to get rid of and I’m on SMP now which isn’t very much.

If it was the other way round, I’d drive to see him as well.

Just wish it was all easier instead of arguing and fighting about each wee thing.

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CottonTailRabbit · 25/12/2018 18:34

It takes two people to have an argument.

It is completely OK for you to make your son available for contact and nothing more. No driving. No providing everything. If he is interested in knowing his children, in caring for his children then he will sort his life out to do what's necessary.

If he's not interested then the sooner he fucks off the better. Especially as he's nasty and drinks tok much.

If he turns up stinking of drink you should refuse to let him take your son.

Tell him the rules. Do not negotiate. Do it all by email. This means very little argument. He can rant and rave at the wind as much as he likes. Not your problem unless you let it be your problem.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 18:40

Thanks rabbit. I am happy and willing to make DS available for the days his dad and grandparents have him, I’d never stop that or change times once agreed.

He is nasty, not to DS, but to me he has been controlling and nasty. The day he turned up drunk, he didn’t get DS. I had already left to go out for the day as he was 90 mins late so it was my mum who as there, but if I had been therem I’d have said no to him taking him.

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Akire · 25/12/2018 18:42

I’m going against most people but he should travel. Different if he only had bad public transport but he has his mums car so no different to you driving. Again different if you lived away but you never lived together in the first place. If he can’t make the effort to come and see them it doesn’t show very willing. Imagine if things were the other way around?

ohamIreally · 25/12/2018 19:00

I disagree that you shouldn't expect a break as a lone parent. He's also a parent and gets to have a break so why shouldn't you?
When you're a two parent family you do get a break - when you're on your own every nappy, every drink required, every bump and tantrum is down to you to deal with and it's exhausting. You can't go to the dentist or the hairdresser on your own. So yes, he should do the travelling.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/12/2018 20:30

I wouldn't think of it in terms of it being a break for you. That's not what it is about (although it is a nice bonus). Take yourself out of the equation. Contact time is about him and his children. For that reason alone he should be doing everything, providing everything on his two days.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 20:46

Rabbit, I don’t see it as a break for me foremost. It’s about him seeing his son. But the reality is I’m knackered, my baby doesn’t sleep very well and I have him 24/7. So that’s why I felt like it was a bit of a cheek to ask me to do half of the travelling on the only occasion during the week I get some time to myself.

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Starlight456 · 25/12/2018 23:00

Can I say I can only imagine how exhausted you are and ?12 weeks pregnant.

I think no point thinking short term here you will have a second baby here in about ? 6 months so you need to think. It is not normal for a baby to be separated from mum in newborn days so I would be looking at a neutral place . Can he see new baby for an hour but then take current baby out.

Maybe put that as a plan of action it may make more sense to you.

Are you going back to work soon ?

I think you have a lot on your plate but if he is abusive won’t care will enjoy making it worse.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 25/12/2018 23:05

Thanks starlight, I am exhausted. And the constant grief from my ex is making everything harder.

Yes he will be able to see the new baby for an hour or so, before taking DS away (for the day hopefully) and then maybe another short visit when dropping him off. He doesn’t agree that newborns shouldn’t be separated from mum so that in itself will likely be another row.

Once I have my scan I will speak to my work and discuss what to do, probably try and go back 16 hours a week and then go on maternity again about 8 months pregnant.

Yeah he doesn’t care, trying to guilt me into doing half the travelling proves that. He doesn’t give me much thought for being pregnant, except to demand to come to the scans.

Sorry this thread is turning into just a moan now. I’m sorry, I just feel like I need to get it out, I am so weary and frustrated with it all.

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HauntedPencil · 26/12/2018 00:31

Here is my view, as he's only having him once a week he could pick up and drop off.

If he was having him more it would be fairer to share it.

Especially as you are very tired at the moment

Starlight456 · 26/12/2018 09:44

With regards to separating the newborn tell him not up for discussion.

To be clear he has no rights or responsibilities over the new baby until he/ she is born. He has no rights to attend scans or the birth for that matter.

I would also say abusive men are not reasonable so don’t expect him to be.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 11:29

He is very unreasonable starlight, you are right. He picked ds up this morning and just grabbed his wee car seat like he was a shopping bag. Didn’t say hello or smile at him or anything. Just collecting his loot and ferrying him away. I won’t say anything, I’ll rise above it.

He has since been pestering me again about overnight stays which I have said no to. I really feel like I don’t want him at my scan next week, do you think it would look bad on me if I didn’t have him there and things went to court one day?

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Nicknamesalltaken · 26/12/2018 12:16

Whole lot harder to swoop in when there’s two babies, a double buggy and a whole load of paraphernalia that goes with them.

Maybe you should decide how you want it to be done and set your boundaries? As long as it is fair. You’re doing the parenting, you call the shots? Have you spoken to his parents at all?

I had DC2 when I wasn’t living with the DCs dad. DC2 was planned and wanted. I wouldn’t change anything because I adore both of my DSs, but I did question myself a great deal. Reading about your situation does remind me of a time of my life which was probably quite unconventional to others.

Just remember you have this man in your life for a lifetime. You shouldn’t be the only one making compromises. I wish I could give you some sound advice, but muddling through for a time is sometimes the best we can do. You’ve got so much on your plate, with little support, doing what is best for you is important.

Years later, I still do the vast majority of the parenting. XH still dips in and chooses what he does. But he lives close by and they see him when they choose now. My DCs are secure, happy teens who seem to be growing into lovely adults. Must’ve done something right.

Original poster
Cassie85 · 26/12/2018 13:03

Thanks for your advice nickname. I have no idea how to work things out when baby 2 is born. At the moment, I wouldn’t want my ex in my house. But maybe I’ll have to. How did you handle it?

His mum particularly is very nice and I think she would be a good support. We have had problems since I became pregnant with DS and his mum could see what was what.

Y3ah my life is unconventional at the moment and will be for a while. My ex is very traditional and conservative which doesn’t help matters either.

I am chuffed to bits that I have a lovely DS and another baby on the way, I don’t regret any of it at all and I’m grateful for them both.

I’m sure you have done more than ‘something’ right. Your kids sound amazing and if your dad has dipped in and out then their personalities are more than likely due to you for the most part. Thank you. It’s reassuring to know that my babies can have a good, stable future even though their parents aren’t together. I have always thought that but their dad disagrees.

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