slowly falling apart

[disneyspendingmoney]

I'm a dad who has custody of 2 DDS (and two dogs) with little or no help and support.

I'm slowly falling apart and don't think I can deal with all this. This last week has been difficult. Monday I had a work trip and spent most of the day worrying that I wouldn't get home for the end of after school club.

Tuesday/Wednesday my (micro)manager, micro managed. That was something I was able to park. Thursday, I discovered the DD2 had emptied the best part of a pint of chocolate milk on to her 6 day old new mattress, because I hadn't got around to getting a mattress protector.

Then Friday I had the final court session to determine child arrangements and custody. Later Friday DD1 then messed up badly (it involved a crew of doubious friends and alcohol - she's 12) which resulted in a grounding. Because she resents the grounding, she's being very stroppy and is not getting it at all.

I'm very frustrated with her because I'm not able to get it through and somehow my explainations are do bad that I messed it up even more.

On top of this I have a very toxic X who keeps on messing with my head and when she finds out about this rant, it'll be used yet again. The DDS are on a child protection plan because if my X's alcoholism (she was basically removed from and asked not to return to the family home). Yet she's now making it out to be all my fault event though yesterday social services supported me in court.

I'm tired and worn out, the cost of lawyers has skyrocketed and I'm worrying about bills etc. Christmas is just around the corner and I've been reasonable with X about contact, but our first Christmas with just the three of us won't be right and the DDS will be told so. Also I have the spy glass of social services seeing the DDS every 10 days.

I'm slowly becoming a toxic parent and I don't want that for my girls. I need to find a way to stop it. I could switch to not bothering about what DD1 gets up to but long term it's going to make things worse.

I did a parenting course which was all about modeling good behaviour and I try to do that all the time. But I suspect this morning's rant has undone any good that it may have done.

I'm worn out, tired and have to face the ongoing criticism by my ex as well as feeling like an abject failure as a parent. I'm worried something is going to crack inside me soon.

Things sound tough at the moment.

I don't really know what to say except that you will cope because you have to. You are all finding your new normal. Both DD's are testing your boundaries and you must let things slide - it will make them insecure.

Christmas will be different but you can all have a say in what your future Christmas' will be like - this is the year to start new traditions so have a chat and find out what they'd like to do.

It does get easier.

Again, I really don't know what to say here than, I completely sympathise. After a horrible few years and no let up in sight yet, I promise you, you will make things work because you have to. I often look back and think how the hell did I do that. Everyone who says they have so much admiration for me etc. All I say back is, 'it's because I have had to do it'. Impossible as it seems you get through it somehow. You won't know how right now but you do.

Best of luck

This too will pass.

Things will change and will feel better in time.

What a pp said about making new traditions together and talking about that is a great idea!

Haven't you got any parents who can help? No sympathetic ILs?

Thank you all,

Unfortunately I'm an only child, whose parents are dead.

Because if issues relating to alcoholism we became very isolated.

The ILs have never really got to see what's happened and they're rather petit people.

I'm building bridges with the DDS friends parents, but it's early days.

I dunno, I guess I'm feeling low because it's been a hectic week for me and I haven't paid enough attention to the DDS. Having had too much in my plate.

Ive got time off because of the school holidays and I'll try to reset.

What are petit people OP? Petit means small.

the IL's are very petit, vindictive people, sorry didn't proof read properly

Please accept that you are human and are allowed to feel this way.
It's hard when you feel you have shit coming at you from every angle. It really affects your state of mind, but as I said earlier it passes. I actually feel a little hypocritical writing that baring in mind there have been many times this year I have had spikes in my anxiety, unable to function wondering how I will cope. Yet here I am writing this. Me and my son have been through some awful times in his short life. I honestly sympathise as I know how hard life can feel when you feel so alone and isolated. Do your best, make time for yourself. Understand the enormity of things on your shoulders and allow yourself to understand that it all won't be fixed in a day if at all.
Enjoy your break with the kids. I truly admire you, being a man writing on here, where it is so heavily dominated by women not in the best situations with they child's ex's. You are amazing

You sound like you are a good dad OP. I get the impression from this post that you are trying your best, setting ground rules, courts, lawyers, courses etc. Dads who don't give a shit don't do all that stuff. Your DDs will thank you in the end..

Do you have friends you can talk to? I know that my friends are worth their weight in gold.

I hope that you have some good moments this Christmas too 🌟

I have a few friends I can talk to most of the blokes I know are either the stereotypes that get talk about here a lot, single with no kids or averagely married. So have no experience.

Thanks again just some times its bloody difficult

Things sound very tough Do you have the kind of job where you could get signed off for a couple of weeks to get things in order? Things like batch cooking / buying ready meals and filling the freezer can take the pressure off. Getting a cleaner might help too if you are working long hours.

You need to ask for help from friends / social services - support for you. Make an Appt with your GP to see about medication that might help you. But most of all try to have some fun over the holidays with your girls- limit screen time if possible and do something together every day even if it's just going out for a hot chocolate or a cinema trip or baking - whatever floats their boat. You need them to see that you 3 are a team and they need to pull their weight. Your 12 yr old especially sounds like counselling might help before she goes off the rails. Don't be afraid to ask her school about support that is available too.

My 12yo is getting some form of counselling from the school but she's been lumped in with all the other kids who are in similar situations which is how she's fallen in with a difficult group.

Work is very good an understanding, social services are understaffed.

I do a lot of what you suggest, it's just this week, and the trip I took was back up to London were were are from so I felt very homesick.

I woke this morning feeling worse, a dehydration headache, I realised I'd only had a couple of coffees in the morning yesterday and my head is pounding.

Also I have to get up around 6 to give the dogs a toilet walk, with it pissing down. It's the dogs I dislike about this the most. There do not belong to me at all, my X wanted dogs (part of the madness of alcoholism, in a small urban flat of all things), said walking and looking after dogs would aid in recovery.

I've been such a gullible idiot over her alcoholism, never any intention to get dry. But it's all down to me now. I need to get these dogs rehomed, except the dds are so attached to them now.

Not only do I gave a headache this morning, my body aches and in an hour's time I have to schlep the dds to the contact center and hang around for a couple of hours.

I stopped myself from giving dd1 another telling off, she left her laptop running over night with Netflix playing. Somehow I need to get her to start taking more self care and get it through. Unfortunately, she very angry at me. And she's got my cussed independence.

You need to start taking control of your life back and deal with one thing at a time. Right now you need to try and have a clear head and concentrate on your children.

When you go to bed you take the laptop and any other technology away. If your DD is watching tv, put it on a sleep timer and take the remote away. One day and one thing at a time.

Take some paras and make sure you drink plenty of water. Take the kids to the contact centre and whilst they are there could you maybe go to a cafe or sit in the car and write a list of things you want to change?

We all have these days. You get through them. It’s really, really tough. MN is a great resource for support, keep using it.

Interesting what you say about encouraging your eldest with self-care. That’s your starting point to look after yourself better - you know to model good behaviour so start here.

Remember it’s not personal. Whatever they throw at us, we have to let it bounce off. Parenting teens is really, really hard at the best of times. But keep reinforcing the positives. It’s much like returning to the toddler years.

Do as much as you can on the internet - like buying a mattress protector. Keep a large amount of bicarbonate if soda to hand for such spillages.

I’m through the teenage years with DS1 and I can see the light now. Makes it easier for me with the others. They are Children turning into adults. It’s hard, and it’s different to how it happened to us. At 12, i’m still enforcing the no gadgets in the bedroom rule. Everything off and on charge downstairs before bedtime.

Are the children attached to the dogs? Could you find out about rehoming them?

Keep on keeping on.

The dogs story is upsetting also. Because they really are very innocent in all this. You really should look at rehoming if you feel that is your only option.
I resented my dog when things were really bad. As my ex idolised him and not our son. He would hold him like a baby and Hand feed him, yet he couldn't hold his son, change him or bath him, feed him or put him to bed! I often thought about rehoming but the reality was I couldn't. My son wasn't attached at that point. But he had been so beyond loyal to me despite my resentment I owed it to him. You are either a dog person or you are not. My dog made me a dog person because of what he did for my family. For me it was for the best I did keep him as he has played such a crucial part in rebuilding our lives and now him and my son really are the best of friends. I really am sorry you feel this way. I felt that way too. But please know they really are innocent in this situation and deserve the best outcome. If you feel you can't continue with them, please find them loving homes where they will get the lives they deserve. I talk like this as I owe alot to my dog. He has kept me sane and staved off the loneliness.

As for the technology you need to enforce a cut off. Switch off by a certain time. You are the parent. Lay down some ground rules and take back control.

It won't happen overnight but it will get better

Parenting is tough . Your children are recovering from their experience with there mum. You are the safe person to direct anger st .

Find the things that work for you as a family. Games night, we chat best over a takeaway, go bowling, movie night. Real bonding showing you care ( not suggesting for one minute your actions don’t show this )
The pp who said it is like parenting toddlers again is right except harder. Pick up in everything they do well , rebuild self esteem.
Let them know you love them even when they hate you for enforcing boundaries. Remember the boundaries while they don’t want them find security in them also.

Also remember you are human and will not get it right all the time . Self care is important

I have admit the day, I found the chocolate milk spilt on the mattress I was going to explode, I hadn't realised dd2 had taken it into her bed. Do I took a walk and went to pick her up at school. Still fuming., bumped into the principle and told her all about it and realised the farce of it all and started laughing.

It was like today finding a half eaten carton of ice-cream in the recycling, one of them had filled the rule all cardboard packaging in the recycling, but I don't think I'd ever explained that it had to be empty and rinsed out, my bad not theirs.

It's just surprising that over the last few years of dealing with difficult alcoholism in my partner, just how much I haven't noticed about the dds personal and emotional growth, that and having to go to work, it gets in the way of everything.

Thanks again

This evening had been very good, we all sat in the living room, the dds watching stuff on YouTube on the TV. I was enjoying myself repairing one of the dogs harnesses.

I bit later I made dd1 fall about laughing as I was telling her about the dog sleeping curled up by the side of my head it's butt facing mine and the effect that a midnight dog fart in the face can have.

Then after the dogs bedtime toilet walk dd1 was in a bit of a mood she went to bed. Then dd2 told me that dd1 was crying. So I went to give her a cuddle. It transpired that during contact today something was said by my X that triggered trauma.

Often while in drink my X would rant at dd1 that she was the cause of her drinking.

I'm furious.

When I was a kid I had really unpleasant parents, both alcoholics and my step father had schizophrenia as well. One day my mother while drunk told me of the abortion she was planning to have, I was about 12 at the time same age as dd1. During her drunken rant she said. "I don't want this child, I should have got rid of you too"

That was the moment I shut her out of my life. 12 years old I was done with them. Two years later I upped and left for good. Walked away, that was a tough time

This evening has brought back painful memories, watching dd1 curl up and cry and trying to hold her, I can feel her heart harden.

she goes to therapy, I'll talk to them too. I just hope I can find a way to help her.

I've just done the nearest I can to crying too

This morning was bad I could see how unhappy she is, I gave her a cuddle and tried to say something soothing but I'm a bit shit at this stuff.

There is going to be more contact over the next couple of days obviously.

I've been pretty crap at this over the last few years constantly firefighting the insanity of alcoholism and the effects it causes on the children.

I should have ended it all two years ago, taken the dds and run from this

anyway it is what it is.

The thing is and this is what I don't know how to explain.

is that dd1 didn't get the brunt of the drunken manhandling at all, she was able to fight back. we spent a lot of time getting between X and dd2 and protecting her.

What I would want from my own shitty parents was an an acknowledgement and a sincere I now understand what I did wrong.

dd1 is unlikely to get that, the social services report said she X had a superficial understanding.

big sigh. I guess all I can do is to keep being there for dd1 and just hope for the best

You need to be strong for the DC's, and stop the pity party. Life sucks at times, other times less so. The absolute constant they have is you, and the fact you are on here worrying about everything shows you care and are doing your best. Your the parent that stayed. When they grow up they will fully appreciate that. So stop being so hard on yourself. Parenting is tough. You sound like a great parent who has gone through a lot, start thinking of the positives to this new life. Literally stop worrying about spilt milk.

I didn't mean that to sound harsh BTW. It's just, you can help the DC's just by being there. Already you are easing any anxiety they have. Give it time.

I guess I'm trying to work out how to empathise with DD1 find ways to help her get through this. Also I want to keep things stable not go from one extreme emotion to another.

My take is the past is the past, but is something to learn from one major positive is that I can now focus on their well-being without the rollercoaster that their lives have been. Another positive dd2 has come out of her shell and is starting to thrive (well that's what the school welfare teacher said). dd1 I think has stopped self harming, no more cuts in arms and hands. Some how I'm going to have to sneak a look at her legs as she was cutting there too but at least she talking to me about it now.

Another positive a sober Christmas. with no fucked up drunk craziness going on

So today's contact went well I think. DD1 started doing some stuff that I know winds X up and X behaved accordingly. So I took X to one side and explained gently, to let it be. Don't rise to it, just ignore it.

Let's hope on future contact days it happens.

I think dd1 is behaving that way to keep on justifying her inner anger, to keep the situation going as it were. Please don't get me wrong here none of the blame should be put into dd1 at all she's trying to navigate the way she feels. She's curled up in bed being quiet right now, supper will be ready soon , something she likes so when it's done I hope she comes through.

Dd2 on the other hand is pretty ok right now, happily playing Xbox.

This is rich coming from me , as the parents we can be in control of ourselves.

Your doing the best you can and things will take time. Your eldest is also at an awkward age going into teenage years with hormones and periods starting. What is their mother like when they do have contact?