slowly falling apart

[disneyspendingmoney]

I'm a dad who has custody of 2 DDS (and two dogs) with little or no help and support.

I'm slowly falling apart and don't think I can deal with all this. This last week has been difficult. Monday I had a work trip and spent most of the day worrying that I wouldn't get home for the end of after school club.

Tuesday/Wednesday my (micro)manager, micro managed. That was something I was able to park. Thursday, I discovered the DD2 had emptied the best part of a pint of chocolate milk on to her 6 day old new mattress, because I hadn't got around to getting a mattress protector.

Then Friday I had the final court session to determine child arrangements and custody. Later Friday DD1 then messed up badly (it involved a crew of doubious friends and alcohol - she's 12) which resulted in a grounding. Because she resents the grounding, she's being very stroppy and is not getting it at all.

I'm very frustrated with her because I'm not able to get it through and somehow my explainations are do bad that I messed it up even more.

On top of this I have a very toxic X who keeps on messing with my head and when she finds out about this rant, it'll be used yet again. The DDS are on a child protection plan because if my X's alcoholism (she was basically removed from and asked not to return to the family home). Yet she's now making it out to be all my fault event though yesterday social services supported me in court.

I'm tired and worn out, the cost of lawyers has skyrocketed and I'm worrying about bills etc. Christmas is just around the corner and I've been reasonable with X about contact, but our first Christmas with just the three of us won't be right and the DDS will be told so. Also I have the spy glass of social services seeing the DDS every 10 days.

I'm slowly becoming a toxic parent and I don't want that for my girls. I need to find a way to stop it. I could switch to not bothering about what DD1 gets up to but long term it's going to make things worse.

I did a parenting course which was all about modeling good behaviour and I try to do that all the time. But I suspect this morning's rant has undone any good that it may have done.

I'm worn out, tired and have to face the ongoing criticism by my ex as well as feeling like an abject failure as a parent. I'm worried something is going to crack inside me soon.

dd1 us having a bad evening, she's curled up on the sofa saying some really unhappy stuff.

Let's hope tomorrow's presents perk her up a bit

I know you want to fix everything for her but unfortunately you can just remind her you love her and will be there for her no matter what even if it's just for a cuddle or a talk.

You sound like you are clued up with what your DDs have gone through. Hopefully you will find that without your X in your life you can focus on them, life will be less chaotic and they will benefit from that in itself.

calmsealife
&
Nicknamesalltaken

Thank both, she's gone though a lot of CAHM's stuff and now she resents "help" and isn't into talking. She does keep a journal, which I haven't looked at because I respect her privacy.

It's not that I want to fix everything it's just I don't want her messed up further. She's acting very resentfully to her little sister. pushing shivvibg being really snarky at. Unfortunately there is a huge size difference in height and weight, so she ends up looking like a real bully and because she's seen dd2 "manhandled" a lot, I'm worrying that she's modeling some poor behaviours. Somehow don't bu6lky the little kids hasn't got through.

Finally, they both know they can ask or tell me anything and I'll listen.

So far today hasn't started well for me, I've suddenly realised how alone I am, even with two dds and two ddogs. I've started having conversations in my head with imaginary people, I'm a bit worried that they are the start of something not good.

The most human interaction I've had I've the last 5 days ( other than with the dds obvs.) has been "that's £17 59, cash or card"

I'm not doing this to be pitied, it more for me to document it in another form, than in my journal or head. And as I write this it enables me to gain a bit more clarity and understanding of myself.

I let the dds gave a sort of sleepover in the living room with Santa tracker on the TV, Two dds and two ddogs, when I went to check on them all this morning and to get the dogs for their morning walk, the CH had kicked and it was like a sauna in there, amazing the amount of heat they can generate

As the dds are asleep in the living room it will give me an opportunity to tidy their draws and put clothes away tidily. Last night I vacuumed and put toys away.

Today, for lunch we will be having a side of salmon, crispy potatoes roasted with bacon and kalettes (they will go in in the last 5 mins to get coated with roasting flavours) and a thin sliced tomato salad. All stuff they like. I'd prefer a mouth scorching ramen of some sort,, but at least they get all of their favourite part, salmon. I can't stand it, it's like mackerel made to be posh, flavourless and greasy. I know that's heresy to salmon lovers out there, but each to their own.

They will have one present each, gone are the days of deflection indulgence, no more covering up the hell that is an alcoholic partner with a crap tonne of toys.

Dd1 was in a very unhappy place last night, she still thinks that the burden of separation is her fault, she's also having a rough time at school. I guess at least I can see her pain. dd2 has adapted well, she was in a bad place at first but reaching out to her friends parents and organising lots of playdates and sleepovers has helped her get through it, I think, I hope. dunno we'll see.

I feel better for dumping that, I hope my headache and sinus ache goes soon (seriously, not alcohol related the dds would be very unhappy if I was to bring alcohol into the home) and time to crack on, in the hell that is their clothes drawers.

Anyone who stops by here, have a good Christmas and it's time to go onwards and upwards and make it the best that it can be for the two of them.

Hi, hope you have a lovely Christmas.
Have you heard of Therapeutic Parenting? It sounds like your DDs have some trauma from their past (and ongoing from contact etc) and Therapeutic Parenting could be really helpful for all of you www.naotp.com/

youaremyrain

Ta I'll take a look at that see if it's available locally

It's more of a philosophy and parenting model, good books to get you started are "therapeutic parenting in a nutshell" and the "A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting" both by Sarah Naish. There's also a fb group, you can pay a small monthly fee and join NATP as a member to access their helpline, local listening circles and discounted online and real life training.

You’re doing ok. Better than ok.

Sometimes it is lonely, but it’s better than being lonely in a relationship.

Give yourself credit for the shit you have got together- because from what you’ve said - there’s a lot of good stuff going on too. Do some self-appreciation along with that self-care.

You have had such a load of crap to deal with and you're doing so well. I'm in awe of your strength. I hope you have a calm day. Only advice I'd give is pick your battles and tell them you love them. But you know what to do it's just bloody hard. I hope things settle soon. Your lunch sounds wonderful.

By the way you can start an anonymous blog using a online stuff like WordPress. I've had a few over the years to vent and document difficult times. It's very therapeutic.

GraduationDilemma

I've got blogs on the go for other stuff, but here I'm going to get more real feedback, ranging from "stop whinging' to "nice lunch". Plus practical advice.

OP I think you are coping so well. Upset is awful, I know. It's really easy to project our current circumstances into the future and imagine all sorts of horrors.

Kids need routine and consistency. They've been through huge upheaval and are probably still navigating their paths. You are their anchor, their constant. You can give a child no greater gift.

I wish you and your girls a calm, respectful and steady Christmas. The rest will take care of itself. X

Take it one hour at a time. It sounds tough.

It sounds to me like you are doing your best. No parents are perfect and we all mess up or go through times when we think we are shit. I don't have any practical advice except to say hang in there, be kind to yourself and keep doing your best. I'm cheering you on

apintofharpandapacketofdates
OhioOhioOhio
HolyandWild

Thank you that's very kind.

I'm pretty much fuming at the moment, I caved in and said yes to my X coming round for Christmas.

Stinks of booze, slightly slurry and a slight glaze to the eyes, obviously had a big binge yesterday. Probably a top up on the way here. I can't say anything because I know what the kick off outcome will be. Like a fucking idiot I said yes, mainly for the dds. So right now the fool has decided to cut the dds hair. WTF, What the fucking fuck, I say anything right now she'll kick off. She knows that I'm now caught between a rock and a hard place. I've broken the contact order because presently it should only be at a contact center until February, then it gets reviewed with an eye to it taking place in the community. But then she took an undertaking with the court not to booze before seeing the kids, short if a blood test right now or a breathalyser (which obviously I have got to but), how the fuck do I proceed it, with out a fight erupting.

Fucking Christmas, and the fucking soppy family bullshit that goes with it.

Why am I such a fucking soft touch,

And she had my portion of Christmas lunch and didn't eat it, not that I'm that fussed about the actual food, just the fuckibg principle.

But the primary thing is is that the dds are "safe" as can be exoected, and they are happy to see X

2 hours 10 minutes to go

well my dad to difficult day came to an end, the DDS have perked up which is really good.

My X was ok, sort of. I could see(smell) that's she'd been doing some heavy drinking the day before, that stale alcohol ketone smell was there, the bleary eyes, and puffiness that comes from a hangover. Just as she had an hour or so to go I ended up messaging a good friend about my feelings. It's not normally something I would do, because Christmas day and all that (this is where I dump my soul) and described the above.

I also mentioned the blotchiness, my mate pointed out that the ketone smell and blotchiness is a bit of a bad sign and need to think about a difficult future for the dds. I should feel sad, I sort of feel a little bit sad, but too much unhappiness has happened. Another thing, it was obvious that she wanted some affection. The dds were affectionate, which I'm pleased about as dd1 was really down. But, it's not something I can do. I'll try my best to be amicable as long as our interactions are when she's sober, but otherwise that part of me has gone.

I do feel for people who are alone on Christmas day, for years before we met, most of my Christmases were by myself, I really enjoyed them, cups of tea, steaks, and TV
but back then I had noone who had to rely on me . This morning I was particularly feeling it, so I can empathize.

So now we can go back to a semblance of a normal routine

dad to difficult

should be

sad to difficult

Why can't MN enable a 10 minute edit window? Does anyone know? it's a piece of piss to code

It’s so hard with an ex that drinks. My ex was a massive drinker, I could never leave the kids with him, I found it very stressful indeed because they wanted to go. I haven’t got any answers except make sure you have support. Can you go to Al anon? Any chance of doing more flexible hours at work? Get an au pair? Anything that can make your life easier and give you another adult to help.

Squeegle

I do all of what you suggested (except aupair don't have the room), it's just event days like today when you process the enormity of it all and it makes it feel extra tough

I still find it hard now (they’re 16 and 14 now), mainly as my DS has adhd and is a handful. But also I still have a lot of anger (which I think I suppress) with my ex. I am so angry that I got left juggling everything. I am having CBT to help. You just have to do everything you can to survive day to day. I am working 4 days as the 5 days was sending me insane. 🤪

Good luck, OP. From what you have written, it's early days but the kids are already benefiting from the safe haven you have created with your home. There's going to be unhappiness - but it's like the poison coming out of the wound; when it's out in the open, you have the chance to deal with it. As you said, the self harming has stopped and DD2 is coming out of her shell.

It's worth thinking about a WiFi gadget that automatically cuts off at a prearranged time - it will limit Netflix and all night internet binges (and focus the mind about homework). I also have an agreement in our house that all phones (including mine and DH) are away from the dinner table and left to charge downstairs at night. Again, it helps with the wind down routine and self care for everyone.

Finally, it may be worth contacting Gingerbread as they specifically support single parents and you will find other dad's in the same position as you are. Please keep posting on here though, if you find it useful. We are all rooting for you.

Squeegle, TheABC

thanks both of you, I'm finding the anger is lessening and I do feel compassion for my X given the situation her alcoholism has got her into. I've undergone CBT myself, several times also I have a family and carers if alcoholics addicts support group that I attend.

I've got screen time rules in place and they both know I can nuke the internet at a click of a button, I must admit dd1 had a bit of a strop when I explained that using wireshark I can intercepted all traffic to and from her devices and write a script to grab key words and phrases. So we're have detent now over using the internet, I won't do anything unless I have a suspicion she is doing something I don't agree with. In the main she's very clued up on internet safety.

well everybody appears to have woken up in positive moods, which is good. I went to bed before the dds last night and they did a good job of shutting down the living room.

It's actually quite easy, all they have to do is shout "Alexa livingroom bedtime" and it switches off all the lights, TV, Xbox, laptop, puts the bathroom night light on. BTE they don't have TV and stuff in their room.

Maybe, next year I'll take apart the microwave, slow cooker and rice cooker and smarten them up a bit with a pi 0 and Arduinos, then I can meals cooked when we get home from work & after-school clubs.

They didn't really talk about X after she left, in trying really hard not to do toxic parenting so basically don't talk much to them about the ongoing fuck up that their parents are going through. Sometimes it slips out, mostly I check myself in time.

Overall Boxing day is turning out to be better.

Dd1 isn't in a good place, something happened that's really put get down in the dumps. She's really snarking at dd2, all dd2 wants is to cheer up dd1 and play with her.

For the second night, we have one of dd1's friends staying. This girl is in a shit place too. Step Dad walked out, mum working night shifts, grandmother a pisshead, older brother caning it on weed.

I guess dd1 doesn't want the mate around, but she/we are in a difficult place. Also dd1's other mate is an arch manipulator and proxy bully. She likes to message dd1 with snarky bits of shit, like "so and so says this about you"

I know dd1 is in a bad place, all I get from her is dunno, nothing or "I don't care".