Have discovered that soon to be ex h is a bit loopy!!

[Rocklover]

It is a very long story, but the crux of the matter is that my H found out I was staying at my new BF's house last weekend when he had my daughter. Made it worse because H needed to go to London halfway through the weekend as his Dad put his Mum in hospital!! So BF gave me a lift home and I arranged with my parents to collect her as cannot drive.

Anyway to get to the point, being an idiot I had forgotten my mobile charger and had to phone H from BF's house, H rang 1471 and hell broke loose. Got several nasty texts, a horrendous phone call and my BF got a message on his phone and lots of calls from H, who wanted to tell him how awful I was.

Things have calmed down now, but it has affected my daughter badly (she is 2 1/2), which has made me feel terrible! H has decided that I have to pay £2000 back that he gave me when we split up as a (guilt) gift and since the weekend he has stopped all maintenance payments. Bearing in mind that I received nothing from the marriage apart the 2 grand and although he says he is broke, he has bought a new flat (in which he has all OUR furniture, possessions etc) and is off to Cuba for 3 weeks this year. Whilst I have to live with my parents as I cannot afford to live alone and I also work part time as I need to try and support my daughter and I and pay my parents some money.

He also wants to take my daughter abroad to a wedding in July and I am no longer happy for that to go ahead. This is such a mess, I need to see a solicitor, but am unsure what I can do.

His dad put his Mum in hospital?

Is the maintenance etc under any legally supervised arrangement?

You are right - you do need to see a solicitor, and fast.

Yes his Dad is an alcoholic and regularly beats his Mum, I have already banned him from taking DD down to their flat in London...EVER!

No I have no legal arrangement for access or money. I am getting tax credits and because I am working and living with parents my income is ok, so him not paying me will not cripple me financially, however, I am more worried about access! I told him that I didn't want him to take DD abroad as I am not happy as his Dad may show up at the wedding even though H swears blind he won't.

After Saturday's performance I don't trust him and I totally hate him for what he did. DD came back from his place filthy, in the same clothes I sent her in and with a dirty nappy. She has been sullen and very badly behaved ever since and I am worried about her.

Does your dd have a passport? if so, keep hold of it.

I have an appt, but not until 21st July as they can only take on 6 legal aid cases at a time. If I want a consultation and some action taken now, I will need to pay for it, which I am willing to do.

H has sent off for DD's passport, but it hasn't come back yet....neither has her birth certificate. I feel like a monumental idiot in letting him have her documents because I just wanted to think the best of him, my parents never trusted him.

This situation is making me feel ill all the time because his behaviour really shocked me, I just want to never see him again ever. Thank god my lovely boyfriend didn't dump me after all this crap (despite H phoning him!!), otherwise I think I would lose the plot!!!

if you claim maintenance through the CSA it will not affect tax credits

if you ring pasport agence [sorry cant spell] & tell them you nolonger want him to recieve her passport then they may send it to you think they have to send it to resident parent anyway

I know I can do that, however I have to gather myself for the inevitable shit hitting the fan. It is likely that they will take a percentage of his earnings and he will probably lose his flat (which, crap as he may be, I would not wish on him). He is already so unpredictable and he will hate me for doing this to him.

Will call the passport office for advice about the residency thing, thanks.

Very stressed and frightened of the whole situation.

Are you sure he hasn't got her passport already? You must get her birth certificate and passport asap.

Sorry - I am obviously totally misunderstanding this. Your husband got upset that you were staying at your boyfriend's and in a fit of pique telephoned him etc. Is he not just angry / upset and now has calmed down and back to normal. In the scale of upset.... prawns in curtain hems, cut up clothes , sending pizzas etc this seems fairly innocuous.

I don't really understand why this has altered your agreement to let your daughter go on holiday with him.

Sorry - I don't mean to criticise but he hasn't harmed your daughter. At most surely he's just had a moment of madness?

No it is not just because of that. His father is a wife beating alcoholic and it is a family wedding H is taking DD to so it is likely that his father will turn up EVEN if he says he won't.

Secondly, since the weekend he has STOPPED maintenance payments.

Thirdly, when we picked my daughter up on Sat she was filthy, wearing the same clothes I had dropped her off in, had a dirty nappy and has been quite distressed since then.

Fourthly leaving a message on your new BF's phone might seem innocuous, however, when the obvious intention was to split you up I think it bites the big one!! He is an adult, he should behave like one. He knew I was dating someone else already!!!

Plus he was vile to me over the phone, via texts and via email, so yes I think I have a valid reason to not let her go. As an aside, he was previously texting me crude emails asking about my sex life AND he lied about sleeping with another woman to try and make me jealous. He is not stable!

I assume his father was a wife beating alcoholic when you were together and had a child? Why have you then suddenly changed your mind about the wedding? I assume you would have known from the outset that it was a family wedding. father in law was probably going to be present and therefore should have aired your concerns when subject first arose.

Lack of child maintenance is no reason to stop contact. The issues are seperate and I think I am right in saying that any court would treat the financial aspect seperate from the contact issue.

Also the fact he was 'vile' to you does not mean that you can stop or restrict his contact with his daughter. That just isn't right.

To be honest the text and phone calls sound really pathetic to me. I would try to rise above it if you can. Believe me people give me that advice and I do know how hard it is to follow.

Now however I DO understand your concerns as you obviously feel that he is not caring for your daughter when she is with him. For THAT reason you really need to have a talk to him and tell him your concerns.

Please, Please take some advice from me before things go too far. He does have rights to see his daughter - at least one overnight a week and every other weekend. This is what a court would eventually give him if you went along this route. Don't stop him seeing your daughter if he annoys you / is vile to you/ horrible to your boyfriend.As I said YOU are better than that.
I'm not sure about him taking daughter abroad anyway. She sounds too young to go abroad without you.

At the end of the day you sound like you have moved on fine. Are getting on with your life and enjoying yourself. Try to ignore his pettiness he doesn't sound like he's in
the happy place that you are.

Best advice - get some proper legal advice. To be honest everyone on here can give you their opinions but you really should know legally where you stand.

BEST OF LUCK

Being worried about your daughters safety and happiness is paramount and perfectly acceptable.....wanting to punish him for being vile and not paying maintenance is not...just think carefully about your motives (am not judging at all not knowing your situation or you ex you must do what is best for your DD)....my (D)H was a complete and utter tosser certainly contributes nothing financially and has treated me appalingly - it has been VERY hard not to use DD to "punish" him but mostly (99% of the time) I have managed...his bloody loony exOW is already using her unborn child to punish hurt and tirment him pretty shitty really (but then she has no morals maturity or sense to start with)...good luck I know how very hard it is

if you go to CSA he wont lose his flat as they take into consideration any everyday expenses he has my friend works for csa she calculated what i would get from exp how have a very high paid job but has morgage & 2 other kids to pay for & i would get less that £150 a month that is alot less than what i get so i an extremely greatful for that & when moneys tight i jjust remember how generous he is being as he doesnt have to pay me that much

I think many people are misunderstanding me here. I do not want him to take her abroad for a week as I do not trust him, however I didn't mention anything about contact. He sees her one eveing a week and every other weekend she stays at his place (he chose this arrangement), the maintenance is not an issue in this respect, the access will continue for her best interests.

I am not some bitter and twisted woman who will punish my child for the sake of my own upset. I am not happy about her being away from home for a week with someone I don't trust in a foreign country where she will hardly know anyone and I cannot be there for her.

To be honest, I am hoping to find a way that I don't need his money, because i don't want it.

Sorry to post again, I have aired my concerns about our DD, but he just brushed it away saying she is just being a 2 yr old. He won't take any responsibility for the state she is in.

I never wanted her to go to the wedding, but I said yes because I wanted to trust him, to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, he has proved he cannot be trusted. When she was 3 months old he and his father had physical fight in the same room where she was sleeping (his Dad attacked him), this is why I do not allow him to take her to their flst in London.

I hope these posts make my position clearer.

for 1 child the CSA payments will be 15% of his net wages regardless of his living expenses, its then reduced 1/7th for every night a nrp has the child, and reduced further if there are other children in the equasion.