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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How do you cope?

68 replies

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:17

I am not a single parent but I feel like one right now and I could do with some advice from those of you who have been coping alone for some time. Is anyone out there?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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tammybear · 24/08/2004 16:18

Im a single mum. Whats wrong lonelymum?

Fairyfly · 24/08/2004 16:21

What is it you are finding hard to cope with Lonelymum, sometimes it is very hard, have you support?

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:26

Dh is away a lot with work and about to start a new job that will also mean traveling. I don't mind when he leaves at 5 in the morning and isn't back until 8 or 9 in the evening, but I dread, dread, dread the nights when he is away. I am terrified of anything happening in the night (kids getting ill, house catching fire, someone breaking in, etc). I know this must sound pathetic to those of you on your own, but when I face a night on my own (like tonight) I find it ruins my whole day and I am a nervous wreck by the evening. Paranoia is just settling in and I could really do with some advice.

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Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:27

No there is no-one I can call on, unless the emergency was really dire I suppose. No wonder I am Lonelymum!

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Fairyfly · 24/08/2004 16:32

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. I was like that before i became single, it took me a while to get used to it when he left. I would sleep with a phone in my hand, constantly check the locks, i would walk around the house and look in the kids bedrooms really worrying about what i would do to protect them if something happened. It just faded with time, i got used to it, faced my fears and started to relax. I would have gone crazy otherwise. try and steer clear of frightening films, books and the news for a while.

tammybear · 24/08/2004 16:35

I still get worried on my own. Sounds really stupid but Im thinking of buying a baseball bat incase I ever need it. My dp lives in a different county to me, so it is hard being away from him. You do get use to it, as much as it sounds daunting. Keeping yourself busy helps

granarybeck · 24/08/2004 16:42

Just to assure you that you aren't alone in feeling like this see my previous thread about it, think it was called 'scared...any advice?'. i was given some really good advice. my dh used to work away a lot and i was always terrified of being on my own at night. i would get my brother to stay over but then it got so i could not realistically keep doing that.
Anyway, i am now a single parent(have been for three months) and it has made me face up to my fear somewhat. i am still scared and check locks loads of times etc. but i am getting used to it, just in that i'll realise i haven't worried about it till bedtime etc. i have found that getting a burglar alarm gave me a bit of peace of mind, do you have one? it stopped me listening out for every noise as much, as i told myself the alarm would go off if it was important. i also mentioned my worries to a neighbour one day and she was really nice and gave me her number in case anything ever happened. i would never actually phone her, but knowing i have in case of any kind of real emergency does help reassure me.
i guess i am saying i was really scared of this too, but that i do feel at least a little bit better about it now, and if i can do it, anyone can as i'm the biggest wimp going!

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:44

What about illness in the night? Realistically, that is the most likely thing to happen. I am just so hopeless if I am woken up in the night and I can't cope at all with no sleep - I have even been known to sleep during the day with a toddler awake playing next to me. My dh always used to do night time nappy changes when the kids were small and I breast fed and fell asleep with the baby in the bed with me every single night!

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lavender1 · 24/08/2004 16:47

how old are your children lonelymum?

tammybear · 24/08/2004 16:48

there was a time i feel incredibly ill and it was just me and dd in the house. I had my mum come see me during the day, but I had a night on my own with dd. Luckily dd sleeps through the night. Then I stayed at my mums the rest of the week. Do you have family around? The best way to get around that is to sleep when its naptime for the baby. How old is your child?

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:50

Granarybeck - you sound just like me. My MIL has stayed a few times but she can't make it this week and she is only ever a temporary measure because she lives most of the year in Australia!
Lavender - 8, 6, 4, and 18 months.

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lavender1 · 24/08/2004 16:50

could the children sleep in the same room as you for some of the time so you don't worry yourself about not hearing them when they wake in the night...will speak later as off to have lovely roast nosh that dh has prepared lavxxx

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 16:51

I really can't call on my family because they are not close by and my parents would think me a baby for saying I couldn't cope. I feel that way myself.

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lavender1 · 24/08/2004 16:51

crikey, no wonder you feel like this, that's a lot to contend with...must go but will speak later,...hope you're alrightx

granarybeck · 24/08/2004 16:54

i think sudden illness in the night is fairly uncommon. if they went to bed ill, you could have them in bed or if you were really worried whther you would wake and they were v i, set you alarm to check on them. i think you would wake up though if they became ill and were screaming, its that innate mum thing that knows the difference between upset and really hurt or ill crying and it would probably wake you up. if then it were me and i was on my own or at all worried i would call out doctor/ambulance for peace of mind even if it turned out to be overreacting. that any of this would happen is probably really unlikely but i have found it helpful to think just what i would do and then you realise that although it would be worrying you would cope. also when on your own try not to think about what could happen, watch tv, read whatever to keep your mind off it. is your dh contactable when he is away? if anything happened, knowing you could phone him may help. when my alarm went off in the night i phoned my then ex h in a panic as i didn't mind waking him up. (it was actually next door's car alarm!

Fairyfly · 24/08/2004 16:55

You will cope Lonelymum because you have to, and a night with no sleep maybe horrid at the time, but its no big deal.

granarybeck · 24/08/2004 16:57

another thing is to make sure you are quite tired then you will fall asleep rather than worry. sounds daft but it works!

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 17:08

Yes, I have to admit, I don't have much difficulty going to sleep unless one of the children is coughing or something. I usually go to bed almost as soon as the oldest is in bed, aalthough I watch TV or read for a bit. I would rather be asleep by 9 and get the night over and done with than spend the evening doing something and then not having enough sleep.
Thanks for your advice. I really want to have a rant about how unfair it is that my dh has taken this job that he knows will take him away from home so much thus leaving me to cope with everything alone, but I guess I am in the wrong place for that. Did any of you become lone parents because your other half wasn't pulling their weight with the family?

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tammybear · 24/08/2004 17:09

im a person who enjoys my sleep, and have lie ins when i can etc. but for the past god knows how long i have been managing with about 5 or 6 hours asleep now. i cant seem to sleep til at least 1am (the past week its been about 3am) and then Im up early again the next morning for dd. Your body gets use to the change. It seems very daunting but you will be fine. And you shouldnt worry about what your parents think if you're not coping well. The most important thing is that you get help if you need it.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 17:15

I can do that for a night or two but then I have been ill for a couple of days afterwards.

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tammybear · 24/08/2004 17:16

it'll probably get easier when your older ones are back at school so when your youngest has a nap, you can to. i find that a way of coping.

Beetroot · 24/08/2004 17:24

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Beetroot · 24/08/2004 17:25

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Original poster

Lonelymum · 24/08/2004 17:30

Funny you should say that Beetroot, as I have often thought the same thing myself, or a live in nanny. I would have to go to work fulltime to pay for either though. Still............. if dh's job situation goes on for years and ds3 goes to school in three years, I would like to go back to work and then I could spend the money as I wanted.

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lavender1 · 24/08/2004 17:31

I gather you discussed the advantages and disadvantages of him getting this job or was it that he was offered it and had to take it as a means to support his family...rant away lonelymum, you are in the right place to talk about this...there are many people who talk about everything on here and gets lots of support...please talk if it helps you, I for one am about at mo, children are doing arty stuff on dining room table so aren't going anywhere now lavxxx

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