How do you cope?

[Lonelymum]

I am not a single parent but I feel like one right now and I could do with some advice from those of you who have been coping alone for some time. Is anyone out there?

if you worked over 16 hours, you can get up to 70% help with childcare costs. that's what im doing at the moment.

working over 16 hours?? you mean (sounds a lot to me)

can i have one/where do you get them from?

yeah you have to work over 16 hours, then you get working tax credit which will help with childcosts depending on circumstances. But depends on how much your dh is earning lonelymum.

To answer your question about whether any of us became a single mum because of DP not pulling weight Lonelymum: Yes. Partly. I realised that as I was carrying the whole financial, emotional and every other type of burden for bringing up our family, I may as well be doing it alone. Obviously, there were other factors, but that realisation was a catalyst for a re-think.

Au-pairs cost £50 a week, do 25 hours work plus 2 evenings babysitting and are available from the internet at the cost of about £30!

Stop Press! Dh has just rung to say he has another job offer. It is paying substantially more than the other job would. Just to explain: he was made redundant before Christmas and was out of work for four months so he had to take his current temporary job a long way from home for the money. Now he has had a number of job offers but only one suitable one - the one that will necessitate lots of nights away - until tonight that is! Today's new job will mean we have to move but might involve less travel. Ugg! At times like this I really hate being the little-stay-at-home, go-where-hubby-decides-to-take-the-family wife and mum.
Believe you me, even £50 a week is beyond our budget right now. We have an overdraft which I would really like to see paid off quickly. Plus, I feel a bit nervous about the idea of an au pair - did anyone see the programme about au pairs who went off with their bosses the other week?

I split up with exp for many reasons like I didnt want to be with him or love him and other reasons which I wont go in to, but one of the reasons was because I felt like a lone parent anyway. He was always working, and never did anything when he got home. He expected dinner on the table for the minute he walked in, and then would go and watch tv. He could have helped out but he choose not to. He was just very selfish, and treated me like his mum

Has your dh said whether he's going to take that job or not? He should talk to you about how you feel about it, plus cant he try to find a job more local if he's got all these job opportunities falling into his lap? About the au-pairs, if your dh is away mostly anyway, the only person they can get off with is you...

The absolute worst case scenario has just happened. Dd has started throwing up and I feel pretty awful too. Dh has just promised to come home but it will take him 3 hours. Oh my God, mumsnetters, I am feeling so helpless now. If any of you are religious, please say a prayer for me. Got to go now to be near dd (and toilet).

oh lonelymum, dont panic. i cant really say much, so im just sending you lots of hugs and hope your dd feels better. xxx

lonelymum, tammybear's right please don't panic. think how it is when this happens when you aren't on your own, i'm sure you don't panic then and you can do it just as well on your own - even if an extra pair of hands is helpful. thinking of you x

About the jobs/reasons for splitting up - my dh worked away a lot and although that was not the reason for us splitting up (an affair was), him being away so much did allow us to drift apart and not talk as much. i was always tired and perhaps resentful when he came home because it had been hard work on my own, so he'd feel bad but under pressure as he couuldn't help having to be away etc,etc. SO if there's anyway he can take the local job i'd recommend it - although i'm sure you don't need convincing of that whilst dealing with poorly children. hope they are okay soon x

Gosh did you know before your child was ill, how strange you were worried about it and it happened. Don't panic, all children are sick now and again, take deep breaths, comfort your child and then in a couple of days get your husband to take you out for dinner, or babysit, while you get a bit of well deserved freedom

yes am praying for you really as am a little religious...my friends dd had a very high temp when dh was away and we popped round while she went to the hospital....if temp does go higher please ring friend to come over/ or ask neighbour...((((((hugs))))) to you please don't panic too much lots of love lavxxxx

OK, I read this thread thinking I would be sympathetic. It is hard being a single parent, especially when you or your kids get sick. But as Fairyfly said so perfectly "You will cope Lonelymum because you have to, and a night with no sleep maybe horrid at the time, but its no big deal."

"The absolute worse case scenario has just happened." Give me a break. You have no idea what a worse case scenario looks like. I'm sorry lonelymum, I know you're having a rough time of it, but that's just being ridiculous.

Praying for you is a bit odd, is there more to this? It just sounds like a normal family day, sorry if you are really worried about your child and i don't know the details

Kate, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?

Kate, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?

No moomina, I don't.

Kate has had the worst case scenario imaginable. She knows what she's talking about.

There's lots of worst case scenarios all over the world happening right now, that doesn't mean we can't be sympathetic when someone's going through a really rough time.

I can't be of help, Lonelymum, except to say that I've been there. Dh worked away during the week for 8 months last year only it felt like an eternity. Every night alone I would feel completely paranoid and terrified of someone breaking in, or ds1 being ill... but mostly of someone breaking in. Every little noise at night freaked me out. I had a doorstop wedged under my bedroom door at night to delay intruders, had every worst case scenario rehearsed in my brain. I made every excuse possible to let ds1 sleep in my bed, even though I knew it meant neither of us slept well, just so I knew he was close by and safe.

During that time we got a rodent infestation - the noise at night is horrendous - maybe it was only mice, but it sounded big like rats under the floorboards - never saw them as we moved too soon (the cow who fleeced us for our house would have had to deal with them ... ha! Another story).

Then one night ds1 started reacting badly to the Hib booster he'd had - he got a really bad cough and could hardly breathe, but by the time I phoned the out-of-hours doctor he'd be sitting in my bed playing happily. I phoned 3 times that night, and talked myself out of a homevisit every time because ds1 seemed better each time by the time he called back. In the end, I caved and phoned dh and got him to drive back in the middle of the night because I just couldn't deal anymore.

That sounds like I'm a complete flake. Hell, I probably am. But also looking back, it's amazing what I did cope with as well, considering I've never had much confidence in either myself as a human being or as a parent. I have the utmost respect for every single parent as a result - I do not know how they do it day in day out. At least I knew that eventually we would move and be reunited. I also feel that I became a lot stronger from the experience and my children have a better, more confident Mummy as a result.

Hang on in there, love. I'm thinking of you.

Lonelymum, i read your post and had to double check as i thought it was one i had once posted, sounded so so like me.
I think kate it sounds like kate is being harsh and it's probably upset you (as it would me). I have realised though that my biggest worry (the kids getting sick) is not so scary to a lot of people but to me it's bad. In general i am anxious about things and maybe a bit depressed, could this be the case for you?
When my dh worked away i took prozac and couldn't believe how it no longer bothered me in the slightest being on my own but i stopped because i didn't feel it was good for the long term. Dh has since had to make arrangements at work to be home evry night as it was spoiling all my days worrying about it. I don't think panicking about illness etc so much is really the norm, do you worry when your dh is there?
I hope your dd is o.k, try to stay calm, he will be back in 3 hours and i don't think she will come to any harm by then. good luck and hugs to you both.

I've spent a lot of time on my own with my four children (quite often in the Throwing Up/Asthma Attack mode!) and believe me, Lonelymum, you'll survive the experience. Try some Rescue Remedy to calm your nerves and try making plans for emergencies. As dh always says, worse things happen at sea.

can i just say some of us who are on our own (really on our own) 24/7 and do have to deal with all the things that have been described, illness, noises in the night,loneliness,and the rest, may think that lonelymums fears are not quite so traumatic as our own experiences, but never the less upsetting for her.

i do feel for you lonelymum as it hard very hard coping on your own, but for some of us this also comes with a lot of pain and hurt(kate and the girls) and the occasional night on your own while you still have a husband seems a little less to cope with than some of us.

what i try to do is just make sure i am really tired before i go to bed.

why not try to have some contingency plans just in case any of these scenarios happen, fire alarms and escape ladders, intruder alarm, first aid book all these things can put your mind at rest.

some people are just a little undiplomatic re: how clean do you leave your self-catering cottage thread...where my cleaning techniques were in question and laughed at!! (for no reason just the way some people address things) but I do think that people ought to think before they blurt things out when they can see that someone is obviously distressed (lonelymum) in this case;...hope you have a peaceful and uninterrupted nights sleep wherever you can lonelymum...lavxxx (night night)