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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

2ND baby with different partners - benefits, advice and what to do if i keep it.

75 replies

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:06

I am a regular on here but i have felt that i need to post under a new id and name because i dont want to get flames for what i am about to say/do.

I have started going out with a new boyfriend, I have a son who is 4.5 yrs with a previous partner. I have been on my own with him for the last yr. My ex - his father pays £333 per month for him. He doesnt pay anything else and i get normal wtc and tc with cb as normal. I work full time as a temp and have mortgage and 80% paid childcare for ds.

I think i am expected and will be doing a test in a couple of days. Things taste funny, strange things that happened before in other pregnancies (2 misscarriages) are happening again so i feel that the test would say yes.

I would love to have another baby but i have only been seeing this guy as my boyfriend for about a month. I am trying to make my head rule rather than my heart (and thinking about what ds wants/being able to support both )because i cant just decide to do this without thinking through all the things that go with it.

I need to know what would happen to the maintenance that my ex pays would it go down. The bf would not be able to support much - he also has 2 kids that he sees and pays a bit for but not alot so althought i could rely on for emotional support maybe not moneywise. I dont want to turn this into any of these.

'I cant believe that you could think about not keeping the baby'
'How stupid i have been, yes i used contraception' it failed and took ma pill.
'why has he got 2 kids already'.

Please give me some advice but i dont want this to get nasty.

thanks

OP posts:

CarGirl · 08/06/2007 18:08

If the maintenance is just for you ds and not for you as an ex-wife then it will be unaffected

CarGirl · 08/06/2007 18:08

should be your ds

ash6605 · 08/06/2007 18:10

TBH I think you are jumping the gun a bit-test first,then post.you may not even be pregnant.
But,yes expect those 3 questions,even you are thinking it yourself.

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:10

we were never married i just wondered if it would go down if i have a second. Hedoesnt pay for me just ds.

So it would remain the same?

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:11

yes i maybe jumping the jump but i am trying to think of everything. I am trying to be prepared because i am leaning towards if i was i would possible keep.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 08/06/2007 18:11

why are you so concerned about the maintence? if you were to get less,would you not keep the baby??

tribpot · 08/06/2007 18:12

I can't really offer much advice as I'm in the position where I could probably afford childcare for two, which would be my biggest worry as a single mum of two. I will say, though, that the morning after pill is very unreliable; I know a friend who got pregnant twice after having taken it, and the second time she was exclusively breastfeeding as well! So don't feel that you didn't at least try to be responsible about contraception, it's not your fault the MA pill isn't all it could be. (Btw, I have a theory that it actually doesn't work at all on the grounds how could you ever test it, but that's for another thread!).

Best of luck with your decision, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:12

i have a huge mortgage on my own. I am skint as it is. I have to think of if i can support another baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:13

thank you trib. I used a condom and a morning after pill but i dont feel that it has worked. I have know every time i have been pregnant.

OP posts:

MamaG · 08/06/2007 18:16

As cargirl says, if th emaintenance is for your DS and not you, it would not be affected.

c'mon guys of COURSE she's got to think of whether maintenance will be affected.

Tink I think you sound like a great mum who's standing on her own two feet to provide for her child(ren)

Best of luck.

ash6605 · 08/06/2007 18:16

my thoughts exactly TAYLORSMUMMY!

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:17

thankyou mama. I do apprecaite it.I have to think of my ds and childcare for 2 would be huge.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 08/06/2007 18:29

what does your dp say? does he want a baby with you?

lulumama · 08/06/2007 18:35

of course she is going to think of the financial implications of a second child

married people do to

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:36

He knows i have taken the pill. I am seeing him tonight and we will discuss it again then. He doesnt think he would be able to support another and i would have to support it. I know he would have a duty but I am trying to get my head around what I would want and what is best for my ds and I.

If I am, I dont think I would want to get rid of it as it is against my own views but I have to think of my ds and what immediate and long term future I could offer my son.

OP posts:

lulumama · 08/06/2007 18:37

i think you are being very sensible and realistic...but you need to make sure you are pregnant before you start tying yourself up in knots about it

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:37

I am trying to be very sensible about this as i know how bloody hard it can be to make money for one stretch.

OP posts:

lulumama · 08/06/2007 18:38

quite

i think this is a situation where you have to let your head rule your heart to a certain extent..

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:43

I know my wtc/ctc would go up with the cost of two. I wouldnt plan to live with dp at the moment but if dp wouldnt pay maintenance would the ctc gown down?

OP posts:

lulumama · 08/06/2007 18:52

i'm afraid i don;t know anything about the tax credits etc but the CAB can advise you

looneytune · 08/06/2007 19:08

Hiya Tink.

As you know I know who you are and I know how VERY against abortion you are (for yourself) and therefore how difficult this is for you and how hard it must be to even mention 'thinking about options' on here. BUT, it's very sensible that you are thinking about it - you've been through SOOOO much in the last year, you want to make sure that you do what's best for you and ds. He's already had a lot of change over the last year and only you know how you think he will be about this. I also know how much you want another baby so this must be eating away at you atm. I'd wait for the test before you get all worked up, the stuff in the pill you took could POSSIBLY have made you get these symptoms. But I also know what you mean about the same feeling when pregnant - I knew I was expecting ds when we'd only done the business a week before - it's because I'd had a m/c 3 months before and the symptoms hit me pretty much straight away.

I don't see how maintenance could go down if you do have another baby? You weren't married so presume it's all relating to ds? The cost of having him won't go down therefore the money shouldn't, however, I really don't know about this side of things.

You have enough room in your house for another baby so that's not a problem, if you need clothing, baby equipment etc then as you know, Freecycle is FAB for that. If you breastfeed then you won't need to pay for milk, if you get cloth nappies, you don't need to worry about this either. Therefore, you're main financial problem is childcare I presume? As you know I'm not a lone parent so I haven't got a clue about how much help you get with costs? Could you not go back to the line of work you were in before temping? I know there were reasons why you had to stop so only you know if this is an option.

Afraid I can't help you decide but please try not to stress too much until you do the test. Are you able to do one of those early tests now?

CarGirl · 08/06/2007 19:13

CTC does not take into consideration if you receive maintenance or not as the person paying maintenance has already paid tax on that money (or not)

Original poster

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 19:17

Thanks very much. You know too much about me!!!! You know me so well.

I have to wait a couple more days. I called the tax credit line and things dont seem as bleak as they did a couple of hours ago. I am scared shitless though.

OP posts:

looneytune · 09/06/2007 12:24

Yes, I think I know you well enough by now

What day are you doing the test?

Glad things don't look quite as bleak and try not to get too stressed. I know next week is going to be VERY HARD as it is without all this worry - look after yourself and try not to get too worked up for ds's sake

allgonebellyup · 09/06/2007 16:40

your ds's maintenance from his dad will not be affected, i receive a certain amount from my dd's dad then i had another child with new partner and it makes no difference whatsoever. HTH

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