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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

2ND baby with different partners - benefits, advice and what to do if i keep it.

75 replies

tinkerbells · 08/06/2007 18:06

I am a regular on here but i have felt that i need to post under a new id and name because i dont want to get flames for what i am about to say/do.

I have started going out with a new boyfriend, I have a son who is 4.5 yrs with a previous partner. I have been on my own with him for the last yr. My ex - his father pays £333 per month for him. He doesnt pay anything else and i get normal wtc and tc with cb as normal. I work full time as a temp and have mortgage and 80% paid childcare for ds.

I think i am expected and will be doing a test in a couple of days. Things taste funny, strange things that happened before in other pregnancies (2 misscarriages) are happening again so i feel that the test would say yes.

I would love to have another baby but i have only been seeing this guy as my boyfriend for about a month. I am trying to make my head rule rather than my heart (and thinking about what ds wants/being able to support both )because i cant just decide to do this without thinking through all the things that go with it.

I need to know what would happen to the maintenance that my ex pays would it go down. The bf would not be able to support much - he also has 2 kids that he sees and pays a bit for but not alot so althought i could rely on for emotional support maybe not moneywise. I dont want to turn this into any of these.

'I cant believe that you could think about not keeping the baby'
'How stupid i have been, yes i used contraception' it failed and took ma pill.
'why has he got 2 kids already'.

Please give me some advice but i dont want this to get nasty.

thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 09/06/2007 20:18

Allgone belly - Is there anything else that i have to think about. I rememeber watching a programme that was made into a film about what being a single mother is like. The lady got her benefits cut because she didnt want to name the father or something like that. This isnt my situation but i am going in with eyes wide open.

Looney its wed. Could test on tuesday but will on wed i think.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 09/06/2007 20:46

if you are not on benefits then you don't have to be involved with the csa.if you claim income support and refuse to name the father then they can (and do) cut your money unless you have good reason not to name him (proved violence) or if you say you don't know who the father is and say it convicingly

allgonebellyup · 09/06/2007 21:01

yes you apparently would get your benefits cut by up to 40% if you refuse to name the father on your benefit forms, but if can claim you're refusing due to harrassment or violence for instance, then they let you off.

TaylorsMummy · 09/06/2007 21:04

you do have to have solid proof though.they are very tough on it.i do know people who have had their benefits cut and a couple of people who's money has been stopped completely

divastrop · 09/06/2007 21:16

you only get your benefits cut if you refuse to give details of the father without good reason if you are on income support i think.

when they work out how much maintenance your partner will have to pay,they will take what he is already paying for his other two children into consideration.

or you could say you dont know who the father is or that you only caught his first name cos they really dont give a toss IME

Original poster

tinkerbells · 09/06/2007 21:20

is this only if you get is or is this with ctc too?

I didnt know if i woul dhave to provide name and nino for ctc.

OP posts:

divastrop · 09/06/2007 21:20

i told the csa i didnt want xp contacted whn i claimed IS 7 years ago,as he had been convicted of assaulting me.i have phoned the CSA about 7 or 8 times since saying they can contact him now,and giving his details,and he still hasnt been asked for a penny of maintenance to this day.

but as you are working and getting tax credits,it wont affect you.

Original poster

tinkerbells · 09/06/2007 21:25

just got a job that i really like so dont plan to claim income support but you never know what is around the corner.

Thanks to everyone for not flaming me, i do apprecaite this.

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 09/06/2007 21:27

I cant offer you any advice because being in Ireland, the system appears to be completely different to yours plus I have'nt been in this situation before but just wanted to say the best of luck be it negative or positive. Every baby is a blessing and if it happens, im sure you'll find some way to cope. Please keep us posted. Hope you are ok. Try not to worry, I know its easier said than done but its not going to change a thing except upset you. You sound like a lovely, realistic mummy and a little baby would be lucky to get you.

Original poster

tinkerbells · 09/06/2007 21:37

wow barbie, i feel like crying now.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 10/06/2007 09:52

was thinking about this last night tinkerbells (sadly ) and why are you concerned about giving his name/NI?? if he is the father then he should be paying maintenence if you are planning on being in a relationship with him,then why should you claim full IS and him not pay maintenance? IS is there for a reason and it is abused by too many people.if you are living together as a couple,or even together as a couple and he is giving you money then you need to declare it.people who do this make me so angry.

looneytune · 10/06/2007 10:03

I must admit Tink, I was wondering what all this not naming the dad business was all about? What made you ask this mate?

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:05

i was just asking a question. I will be naming him but i like to ask questions. That's all. You know that looney.

Also maybe one factor is i wasnt married to ds dad and he has his name and i have a trouble taking him out of the country on holiday as we have different names. I would be taking full responsability if i have another and not really relying on another person.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 10/06/2007 10:07

just cos you give his name doesn't mean the child has to have his name tho does it?

your situation sounds a bit odd to me,tbh. what is your boyfriend saying about it all?

do you even know your pregnant yet??

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:07

I also said that I didnt plan to claim income support on a couple of post down.

I am trying to think of all situations. Its how i work.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:08

why does it sound odd? I understand you might think that but you have no idea what the last yr (Looney does) has done to be compared to how i used to be like.

I know i can give tax credits his name and i dont have to have his name on the birth certificate but i dont want something that i do now to land me in trouble later.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:09

also havent seen him to discuss and wont until during the week.

He doesnt think he could support another.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 10/06/2007 10:15

does he know you could be pregnant? or did he say he couldn't support another before you thought you were pregnant?

(i'm just interested - tell me to mind my own business, if you want, lol)

looneytune · 10/06/2007 10:19

Calm down Tink, I wasn't having a go. I know you like to ask questions and can understand all that, I was just totally clueless to your reasons for asking about naming the dad but that's because I've never been a lone parent and so couldn't work out what difference it makes.

I can 100% see why IF you are pg and keep it, you want to take full responsibility. You've only known your boyfriend a very short time and of course, what you've been through recently will have influenced your decision.

How do you think boyfriend would react if you were? I know he's told you he loves you and stuff so hopefully he will be supportive. I know you say he can't afford to support another but do you mind me asking a question......where does he live at the moment?

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:25

He has a room off a very main road in a not nice area at the moment.

I know you werent having a go. I totally know that. You are more likely to know why i am thinking like this because of what has happened and boy has it been a yr.

He has said that he wants more kids but next time he wants it to be with the right person that he is with for a very long time.

He know that i took the pill for it and we discussed what could happen and how he would feel. He knows how very against abortion I am (for me not for others). I dont really feel i can say what i think over the phone. I will be testing and then wil invite him up.

If i am i wont stop him seeing it but i feel that the relationship might not work long term if i am.

OP posts:

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:27

we also had a bit of a row this weekend so not really getting anywhere at the moment.

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 10/06/2007 10:31

sounds grim tbh

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:37

what sounds grim?

OP posts:

TaylorsMummy · 10/06/2007 10:38

the situation

Original poster

tinkerbells · 10/06/2007 10:40

that we had a row or that fact that we havent been together long..?

OP posts:

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