kids on first holiday with dad & I cant contact him

[mistressmiggins]

I hate this

ex has kids once a month (cos lives so far away)
weekend is ok - this is the first time in 18 mths that he has decided to take them away for the week

dont get me wrong, Im glad as its half term so good for DS, but I cant contact exH. Have sent him a txt asking him how kids are (my DS 5 had fever on Sat & went away even though dr advised NOT travelling) and I just want ex to let me know they are ok
YES I know they r OK, but I just want a simple response

my children are 5 & nearly 3 so obviously I miss them & am wondering about them

why cant he just reply?

aw hun I know that one - it takes a long time to shake off the fear of being told what you can and can't do . This is precisely why a court is something these bullies listen to - a court is a higher authority (which protects you and the kids' interests), higher than him iyswim - who tell HIM what he can and can't do; plus the authority of the courts is kinda male iyswim... These bullying men seem to knuckle under when the courts (ie law) tell them to behave. I'm afraid I speak from bitter experience on this one.

I was also thinking earlier that maybe he is using you to terrorise her iyswim? He's chatting away to you when she's out of earshot, and perhaps she knows full well she can't trust him, which is why she is so insecure. I know as much as I can that my ex did this with his wife (after me) ie made her feel insecure, using me.

You are best rid hun, I'm sure you realise that. It is very empowering to get a higher authority on your side that he has to obey: it sends the message that he can't do what he pleases as far as you're concerned, that the courts take very seriously protecting you and the kids. it is very satisfying.

usually I dont phone every night when they are away for weekend as I agree with not wanting to interupt all the time BUT my DS was ill when he went away, this is their first holiday with their dad in 2 years and H ignored my phone for nearly 2 days.
I think he just needs to realise that he cant play games with me.
I let him phone every other day at home during the week because I work & we're not home in time b4 bed. He can (but doesnt) phone every night at weekends. So thats 5 out of 7.
Hes happy
Im happy IF he doesnt ignore my phone again

I wont be getting court decision on access as suits us at the moment but I will be firmer on him saying I expect him to answer his phone if I call & not play silly games.

as for mediation, tried that - he just lied & twisted what was agreed in the meetings, plus intimidated me so we are going through the solicitor for money etc.

I would have thought it was for MM to say what suits her or not anniemac? Sometimes you try (and try) to reach an amicable arrangement, but that takes two, and when there is a lot of bullying and game-playing (using the kids) then you gradually whittle it down to hardcore arrangements. Yes our situation was very bad indeed but would have been an awful lot worse if I had not got everything nailed down in the courts. Eventually.

I agree with anniemac, better that you have a flexible agreement that you are both happy with than having one imposed that maybe you won't be. It really won't help anyone and will just line the solicitors' pockets, if the other thread is anything to go by, at £500 for one letter. If MM starts going down the legal route to "make" him answer his phone and give her all sorts of details about holidays etc, maybe he will retaliate by saying that her phone calls are intrusive and he will ask for them to be limited.

But although I only "know" you MM from on here, I don't really think that's your style. I think if you've managed to sort out contact between you without resorting to the Courts you'll be able to sort this out. After all, you're not being unreasonable and I suspect he knows that. What's going on here is he's trying to keep his insecure gf sweet.

Court should be the last ditch attempt to make someone see reason who is totally unreasonable and I mean totally. MM appears to talk to her X and they communicate.

Having just finished two years in court and spent thousands I can safely say it was the only thing for me and probably prevented years of bullying and intimidation from X (who was violent to both me and the kids). Only a court order would make him see sense but it has been extremely hard on the kids as they have had to undergo years of visits from outsiders. The solution in the end was one which the kids themselves wanted but the whole process has imo damaged their relationship with their father as they blame him for prolonging a process they were unhappy with and for lying and bullying along the way.

I would always have prefered a good relationship with an X but that was sadly impossible on every level.

MM what a horrible situation

so glad you know they're ok now, but just wanted to add that you should never feel sorry for the OW! she had an affair, she knew what she was getting into, and is totally insecure and irrational because she knows he'll probably do the same to her one day. And he will.

Your children are very young and it's basic human decency to regularly let you know they're ok when he takes them away from you. Especially with the illness and the little one being clingy too.

Am so on your behalf how human beings treat each other this way and think it's acceptable. You sound very strong and like a wonderful mum. I don't know how I would cope in your situation.
You're doing really well. Do agree that if you can sort it between you and keep the courts out of it then that is probably for the best. Just remember yu are in the right and don't let them take the piss anymore.